Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 4
Jul. 16th, 2011 04:37 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
deathtocapslockLockhart, yo!
[Life goes on in The Burrow, and soon the students find themselves getting new reading lists.]
Harry: Look at these strange books we’re supposed to read. Hamlet, King Lear, Othello, Henry V, and All’s Well that Ends Well? What kind of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is this?!
Fred: It wouldn’t be a Muggle, now would it...?
George: I heard that these Muggle plays are expensive. Mother, will we have any trouble paying for them?
Mrs. Weasley: Nope- we always have enough money for whatsoever we need, unless the plot demands it. But we will have to buy Ron and Ginny lots of hand-me-downs.
Ginny: By the way, Harry, I’m starting school this year!
Harry: Oh... that’s... nice.... [to self] Great, my first fangirl. I hope she doesn’t ask for my babies....
Percy: Hey, look, everyone! Our comically beat-up owl has brought us a letter from Hermione!
Ron: Oh, wonderful! [Reads letter] Apparently she’ll be in London with her parents at around the same time we are!
Harry: Great, we’ll run into her then. That makes things easy!
[Harry spends some time later hanging out with Ron, Fred, and George.]
Fred: So, I’m starting to think Percy is planning to do something plot-related. He’s spent all this time up in his room.
George: He’s a genius who has twelve Ordinary Wizarding Level exams. But we’re hoping he doesn’t become Head Boy because only losers actually care about enforcing authority. And now he doesn’t even seem interested in school.
Harry: Wow, I wonder if he could possibly come up with something plot-related to do?
[Anyway, the next day they all go to Diagon Alley after breakfast, and Harry gets his first taste of Floo powder.]
Harry: What makes you think I know how that works? I’ve been raised by Muggles!
Fred: That’s alright, I’ll go first and show you. [Grabs some powder and steps into the fireplace.] Diagon Alley! [He drops his powder into the fire and away he goes.]
Mrs. Weasley: Alright, Harry, it’s your turn- just make sure that you say where you want to go very clearly, so you don’t get lost.
Harry: Diagonally! [Throws powder in fire]
[Harry, of course, gets lost and ends up in a completely unfamiliar neighborhood crawling with nasty-looking men and women.]
Harry: Oh, no, I must’ve entered the red-light district of Diagon Alley.
[Just then, Malfoy walks into the shop Harry landed in.]
Draco:... everyone loves Harry because he’s so famous for something he didn’t even do and a scar! It’s not fair!
Lucius: Yes but if you don’t at least pretend to like him, chances are you’ll end up beaten-up, humiliated, or possibly even killed!
Mr. Borgin: Oh, hello there! What can I do for you in my Shop o’ Evil?
Lucius: Oh, I just wanted to sell some incriminating stuff incase the Mystery of Magic gets too Muggle-friendly. Just, you know, so I don’t look like a genocidal racist.
Draco: Hey, Dad, can I buy an old human hand?!
Mr. Borgin: Oh, goody, you’ll finally buy something!
Lucius: You don’t deserve any presents, Draco- after all, your grades aren’t up to scratch.
Draco: It’s not my fault! All the teachers favor Gryffindors like that Hermione! I never stood a chance! *Cries*
Harry: Yay, Draco is unhappy! His arguments can in no way possibly be sound, because he is a slimy Slytherin and his father is a genocidal racist!
Lucius: Okay, well... listen, stop by my manor tomorrow to pick up my stuff. Good day to you! [He and Draco leave the store.]
Mr. Borgin: *Sigh*
[Harry leaves the store, gets lost, but thankfully is saved by Hagrid!]
Hagrid: Oh, hello, there, Harry! What are you doing here?!
Harry: Oh, I got lost in a Floo accident. What about you?
Hagrid: I was looking for flesh-eating slug repellant. Apparently they’re ruining the school cabbages.
Harry: Wait... why would flesh-eating slugs be eating cabbage?
Hagrid: Hey, orders from the top!
Harry: I’m supposed to be living with the Weasleys but I got separated from them.
Hagrid: Well, it’s good to know you’ve finally reclaimed your rightful place and moved away from those Muggles, because, y’know, they’re just too damn busy being abusive. And Muggles.
Hermione: Harry, it’s you!
[So Harry reunites with the Weasleys and they all go to Gringotts together.]
Mr. Weasley: [to Hermione’s parents] So, you’re Muggles, right?
Mr. Granger: Oh, will you stop calling us that? It sounds like a racial slur!
Mr. Weasley: What are you talking about? There’s no way a good Gryffindor such as myself could possibly be racist!
Mr. Granger: Whatever....
[Anyway, they all go into Flourish and Blotts together, and find none other than Gilderoy Lockhart giving an interview.]
Hermione: ZOMG! Gilderoy Lockhart is giving an interview!
Ron: OMG, Gilderoy Lockhart is giving an interview. That can’t be good....
Percy: Yeah... I’ll just be over here reading my books about all the great careers former prefects have had.
Ron: You would because you’re an ambitious toady.
Percy: You’ll pay for this when I have a career and you’re still riding on the coattails of Harry Potter the Chosen One.
Ron: Eew, you’re a closet Slytherin!
Percy: Oh, shut up!
Lockhart: My famous person sense is tingling- aah! Harry Potter is here! [Eyes Harry] Why don’t you just come and pose for a picture with me?!
Harry: I... I don’t even know you....
Lockhart: I am Gilderoy Lockhart, the most talented, brainless wizard in all of England! You love me, you just don’t know it yet!
[So Harry stands for photographs with Lockhart.]
Lockhart: Oh, by the way, I’ll be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts this year. It will involve swordplay and golden butterflies.
Harry: [sarcastic] Oh, lucky me....
[Along the way out of the store, Harry runs into Draco again!]
Draco: So, you’re so famous that even an arrogant prick like Lockhart wants to put you on the front page, huh?
Harry: I didn’t do it on purpose! *Cry*
Ginny: Draco, as sure as I will someday marry Harry Potter, you suck!
Draco: What the hell?!
Harry: Don’t ask....
Draco: Yeah, well... I’ll bet you Weasleys can’t even afford all those books!
Ron: I AM NOT POOR!! [He goes in to attack Draco, but Harry and Hermione restrain him.]
[Just then, Mr. Weasley runs into Lucius Malfoy.]
Lucius: So, anyway, Arthur, it looks as though you have been mildly polite to those Muggles over there- therefore you are a disgrace to wizardry.
Mr. Weasley: Allow me to set an awful example for my children by attacking you physically and causing a scene! [Jumps on Lucius.]
Hagrid: Oh, no, I must stop this before my poor, innocent Weasley friend gets injured! [Pulls the men apart.] Honestly, Arthur, you should know by now that the Malfoys are vermin and aren’t worth getting into a fight with. Just kick them discreetly if they offend you.
[After that’s over and done with the Grangers say good-bye to the Weasleys and Harry, and depart for the Muggle side of the street.]
Mrs. Weasley: [Cheerfully] So, who wants to Floo Powder their way home first?!
Harry: Oh, no....
[Life goes on in The Burrow, and soon the students find themselves getting new reading lists.]
Harry: Look at these strange books we’re supposed to read. Hamlet, King Lear, Othello, Henry V, and All’s Well that Ends Well? What kind of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is this?!
Fred: It wouldn’t be a Muggle, now would it...?
George: I heard that these Muggle plays are expensive. Mother, will we have any trouble paying for them?
Mrs. Weasley: Nope- we always have enough money for whatsoever we need, unless the plot demands it. But we will have to buy Ron and Ginny lots of hand-me-downs.
Ginny: By the way, Harry, I’m starting school this year!
Harry: Oh... that’s... nice.... [to self] Great, my first fangirl. I hope she doesn’t ask for my babies....
Percy: Hey, look, everyone! Our comically beat-up owl has brought us a letter from Hermione!
Ron: Oh, wonderful! [Reads letter] Apparently she’ll be in London with her parents at around the same time we are!
Harry: Great, we’ll run into her then. That makes things easy!
[Harry spends some time later hanging out with Ron, Fred, and George.]
Fred: So, I’m starting to think Percy is planning to do something plot-related. He’s spent all this time up in his room.
George: He’s a genius who has twelve Ordinary Wizarding Level exams. But we’re hoping he doesn’t become Head Boy because only losers actually care about enforcing authority. And now he doesn’t even seem interested in school.
Harry: Wow, I wonder if he could possibly come up with something plot-related to do?
[Anyway, the next day they all go to Diagon Alley after breakfast, and Harry gets his first taste of Floo powder.]
Harry: What makes you think I know how that works? I’ve been raised by Muggles!
Fred: That’s alright, I’ll go first and show you. [Grabs some powder and steps into the fireplace.] Diagon Alley! [He drops his powder into the fire and away he goes.]
Mrs. Weasley: Alright, Harry, it’s your turn- just make sure that you say where you want to go very clearly, so you don’t get lost.
Harry: Diagonally! [Throws powder in fire]
[Harry, of course, gets lost and ends up in a completely unfamiliar neighborhood crawling with nasty-looking men and women.]
Harry: Oh, no, I must’ve entered the red-light district of Diagon Alley.
[Just then, Malfoy walks into the shop Harry landed in.]
Draco:... everyone loves Harry because he’s so famous for something he didn’t even do and a scar! It’s not fair!
Lucius: Yes but if you don’t at least pretend to like him, chances are you’ll end up beaten-up, humiliated, or possibly even killed!
Mr. Borgin: Oh, hello there! What can I do for you in my Shop o’ Evil?
Lucius: Oh, I just wanted to sell some incriminating stuff incase the Mystery of Magic gets too Muggle-friendly. Just, you know, so I don’t look like a genocidal racist.
Draco: Hey, Dad, can I buy an old human hand?!
Mr. Borgin: Oh, goody, you’ll finally buy something!
Lucius: You don’t deserve any presents, Draco- after all, your grades aren’t up to scratch.
Draco: It’s not my fault! All the teachers favor Gryffindors like that Hermione! I never stood a chance! *Cries*
Harry: Yay, Draco is unhappy! His arguments can in no way possibly be sound, because he is a slimy Slytherin and his father is a genocidal racist!
Lucius: Okay, well... listen, stop by my manor tomorrow to pick up my stuff. Good day to you! [He and Draco leave the store.]
Mr. Borgin: *Sigh*
[Harry leaves the store, gets lost, but thankfully is saved by Hagrid!]
Hagrid: Oh, hello, there, Harry! What are you doing here?!
Harry: Oh, I got lost in a Floo accident. What about you?
Hagrid: I was looking for flesh-eating slug repellant. Apparently they’re ruining the school cabbages.
Harry: Wait... why would flesh-eating slugs be eating cabbage?
Hagrid: Hey, orders from the top!
Harry: I’m supposed to be living with the Weasleys but I got separated from them.
Hagrid: Well, it’s good to know you’ve finally reclaimed your rightful place and moved away from those Muggles, because, y’know, they’re just too damn busy being abusive. And Muggles.
Hermione: Harry, it’s you!
[So Harry reunites with the Weasleys and they all go to Gringotts together.]
Mr. Weasley: [to Hermione’s parents] So, you’re Muggles, right?
Mr. Granger: Oh, will you stop calling us that? It sounds like a racial slur!
Mr. Weasley: What are you talking about? There’s no way a good Gryffindor such as myself could possibly be racist!
Mr. Granger: Whatever....
[Anyway, they all go into Flourish and Blotts together, and find none other than Gilderoy Lockhart giving an interview.]
Hermione: ZOMG! Gilderoy Lockhart is giving an interview!
Ron: OMG, Gilderoy Lockhart is giving an interview. That can’t be good....
Percy: Yeah... I’ll just be over here reading my books about all the great careers former prefects have had.
Ron: You would because you’re an ambitious toady.
Percy: You’ll pay for this when I have a career and you’re still riding on the coattails of Harry Potter the Chosen One.
Ron: Eew, you’re a closet Slytherin!
Percy: Oh, shut up!
Lockhart: My famous person sense is tingling- aah! Harry Potter is here! [Eyes Harry] Why don’t you just come and pose for a picture with me?!
Harry: I... I don’t even know you....
Lockhart: I am Gilderoy Lockhart, the most talented, brainless wizard in all of England! You love me, you just don’t know it yet!
[So Harry stands for photographs with Lockhart.]
Lockhart: Oh, by the way, I’ll be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts this year. It will involve swordplay and golden butterflies.
Harry: [sarcastic] Oh, lucky me....
[Along the way out of the store, Harry runs into Draco again!]
Draco: So, you’re so famous that even an arrogant prick like Lockhart wants to put you on the front page, huh?
Harry: I didn’t do it on purpose! *Cry*
Ginny: Draco, as sure as I will someday marry Harry Potter, you suck!
Draco: What the hell?!
Harry: Don’t ask....
Draco: Yeah, well... I’ll bet you Weasleys can’t even afford all those books!
Ron: I AM NOT POOR!! [He goes in to attack Draco, but Harry and Hermione restrain him.]
[Just then, Mr. Weasley runs into Lucius Malfoy.]
Lucius: So, anyway, Arthur, it looks as though you have been mildly polite to those Muggles over there- therefore you are a disgrace to wizardry.
Mr. Weasley: Allow me to set an awful example for my children by attacking you physically and causing a scene! [Jumps on Lucius.]
Hagrid: Oh, no, I must stop this before my poor, innocent Weasley friend gets injured! [Pulls the men apart.] Honestly, Arthur, you should know by now that the Malfoys are vermin and aren’t worth getting into a fight with. Just kick them discreetly if they offend you.
[After that’s over and done with the Grangers say good-bye to the Weasleys and Harry, and depart for the Muggle side of the street.]
Mrs. Weasley: [Cheerfully] So, who wants to Floo Powder their way home first?!
Harry: Oh, no....
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