Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 8

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[So, Harry is skulking around after Quidditch practice one miserable rainy day, when he bumps into Nearly Headless Nick.]

Harry: You look troubled.

Nick: Oh... it’s not important to you... I’m just remembering my glory days with Monty Python.... But nobody laughs at my jokes anymore- they say I’ve lost my touch! *Cries*

Harry: Oh, that’s a shame....

[Just then, Harry sees Mrs. Norris the cat wandering around.]

Harry: Oh, no! It’s Filch! I’d better get out of here before Mr. Norris catches me! [he runs away but Filch catches him.]

Filch: Alright, Harry, you’ll pay for tracking mud inside the castle! Come with me!

[Filch takes Harry to his office.]

Harry: I’m so sorry, Mr. Norris...

Filch: MY NAME’S FILCH YOU NUMBSKULL!! And it’s not my fault I’m the one who has to clean the castle even though I’ve got no magical ability!

Peeves: Hey, Mr. Norris! Look at me, I’m off to cause trouble again!

Filch: Whoops, brb, gotta chase Peeves! [Runs out.]

Harry: Hey, look, Mr. Norris has a bunch of books about simple magical spells. Gee, he really must be bad with magic if he needs an instruction manual....

Filch: Guess what, I’m back! I put Peeves in a vanishing cabinet, by the way; keep that in mind for later. By the way, what were you looking at just now?

Harry: Oh, nothing! *Innocent smile*

Filch: Yeah, right, you’ll look for any excuse to cause trouble. Isn’t it shameful that I can’t do magic in a society where everything you can do is contingent upon your magical ability? [Dramatic pose] Forced to clean a magical castle top to bottom every day! Oh, woe is me! And I’m the only one who can’t use magic to clean it! [Straightens up] You’re not going to tell anyone about this, are you?

Harry: No. I’m too ashamed....

Filch: Very well, you may go.

Nick: So, I sent Peeves in to act as a distraction.

Harry: Wow, thanks, Nick, you’re the best!

Nick: Say, Harry, how would you and your friends like to come to my Deathday Party?!

Harry: Ah... sure....

[Harry relays the news to Ron and Hermione.]

Hermione: That sounds cool- I’ve never been to a Deathday Party.

Ron: You’d think it’d be dead depressing!

Hermione: Well... people still host wakes, don’t they?

Fred and George: Look what we found! [Hold up a salamander]

George: Watch as we cruelly stuff fireworks down its throat!

[They do thus, and the lizard flies across the room like a balloon.]

Percy: You can’t do that!

Fred: We just did!

Percy: Damn you....

[On Halloween night, Harry, Ron, and Hermione go to Nick’s Deathday Party.]

Harry: You know, I’m beginning to regret having to miss the Halloween feast....

Hermione: Well, you said you would go to the Deathday Party.

Harry: Yeah, yeah, I know....

[They go to the party, which, as one might expect, includes eerie candles, rotting food, and ghosts everywhere.]

Nick: Oh, so glad you could come!

Peeves: Allow me to introduce you to Moaning Myrtle! She’s going to be important later! [Peeves is dragging a female ghost who looks roughly thirty-five years old, with girlish pigtails.]

Moaning Myrtle: Stop making fun of me!

Hermione: Oh, no....

Moaning Myrtle: Hmph! Stop making fun of me! [Runs away]

Peeves: Don’t worry, Moaning Myrtle still likes you. She’s always like that!

[Anyway Harry, Ron, and Hermione eventually slip away, but as they’re heading back to the Great Hall...]

Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Ron: What is it, Harry?

Harry: I heard that creepy voice I told you about again!

Ron: What?!

Harry: Yeah! Listen!

Voice: Tra la la... tra la la... evil is the life for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Harry: AAAAH! IT’S GONNA KILL ME!!!!!!

Ron: i don’t hear anything.

Harry: I think it’s heading upward- come quickly!

[He, Ron, and Hermione chase the voice up several flights of stairs.]

Voice: Blooooooooooooooooooodddddddddd....

Harry: The voice is going to kill someone!

[The three of them continue to run until they find writing on the wall: MY SNAKE IS BIGGER THAN YOURS, O ENEMIES OF THE HEIR.]

Harry: AAAAAHH!!! Look, it’s Mr. Norris’s cat! And it’s not moving! It’s just... hanging there!!!

[So, anyway, the students and staff leave the Great Hall and all come to see what Harry, Ron, and Hermione are looking at.]

Draco: Aha! See...?! That’s... gonna... kill... people... I don’t like! Yeah! Mudblood! Mudblood, Mudblood, Mudblood! Aren’t I a racist creep?!

Snape: [Facepalm] He is such a ham....

Incidentally, looking back, a lot of the twists and turns in this book were actually fairly scary and suspenseful- even now. The later books, eh, not so much....