Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 9
Jul. 21st, 2011 09:51 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[When last we left our heroes, they were still staring at the writing on the wall.]
Filch: Harry! You killed my cat, didn’t you?!
Harry: I did not!
Dumbledore: Relax, Harry didn’t do it. Listen, come with me to Lockhart’s office, three main characters. Oh, and Mr. Norris, too.
Filch: Why you....
[But they all go with Lockhart to his office, taking the cat with them.]
Lockhart: She was probably killed by a curse, see, and of course, seeing as I know everything there is to know about countercurses, I could have easily saved her except that I didn’t. Oh, well....
Dumbledore: Ah... I don’t think she’s dead.
Filch: She looks pretty dead to me. Aah, Mrs. Norris, you were my only friend in this world.... *Cries*
Dumbledore: Aah, but seeing as I am the great Dumbledore, I have the facts. And the facts are, she’s not dead. She’s Petrified.
Lockhart: Aha! Petrified! And, of course, being the great Gilderoy Lockhart, I knew she had been Petrified all along!
Filch: Yeah, whatever. Harry Petrified my cat as punishment for being a Squib! *Cries*
Dumbledore: Alright, now you’re jumping to conclusions.
Snape: Alright, my two cents: while it could easily be that Harry and Ron were just in the right place at the wrong time, I have to admit that the circumstances are suspicious. Why weren’t you three at dinner?
Harry: We were at a Deathday Party.
Lockhart: [to self] Great, unlike in the movie I can’t just say he was signing autographs with me. I look utterly evil through and through!
Snape: Alright, then, why didn’t you come to the Great Hall afterward?
Harry: Because.... [to self] Somehow against all logic I think that they will think I’m crazy if I tell them the truth, and so the only thing to do is... lie! [to Snape] Oh, we were just going to bed!
Ron: We weren’t hungry for dinner! [His stomach growls.]
Snape: Right, then.... I think I’ll just come out and say it: you’re lying!
Harry: *Cries*
Dumbledore: Be that as it may, I will have to be the voice of reason for once and claim that really, we can’t prove Harry has done anything wrong. As such, nothing shall be done until we get more information.
Filch: But what about my cat?!
Dumbledore: Don’t worry, we’ll be able to fix her using some of those Mandrakes from earlier.
Lockhart: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! I wanna make a Mandrake draught!
Snape: *Facepalm* Excuse me, but I am the Potions master here!
Lockhart: I’ve had my fun....
[Dumbledore dismisses Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who all go up to their rooms.]
Harry: So, do you think I should have told the truth?
Ron: Nah, they might still think you’re crazy. But, on the other hand... that creepy writing... enemies of the heir... that sounds very familiar. We might want to ask about that.
Harry: Incidentally, Filch said something about being a Squib. What’s that?
Ron: Eh, it’s someone with Wizarding parents but no magical talent. See, most Wizards are born with the innate ability to cast any magic they choose. If Filch needs to get extra help, he’s almost certainly a Squib. He is patently jealous of our magical talents, which is why he’s mean to us. Not that he deserves help, of course- no, mocking and ridicule are the best ways to deal with someone like him!
[The next days progress without incident, though Filch makes things more difficult than usual for the students in his grief. Eventually, in History of Magic class, Hermione sees a chance to get information on the Heir of Slytherin.]
Hermione: Professor Binns, sir? Could you tell us anything about the Heir of Slytherin?
Professor Binns: Oh, sure! Kiddies, this’ll be the fun history class! Not to say I believe in this Chamber of Secrets business, of course but... hey, you’ll like this. So, as you know Bob Hogwarts had four founders: Godric Gryffindor the god, Helga Hufflepuff the completely unimportant, Rowena Ravenclaw the sharp-witted generic, and Salazar Slytherin the evil racist. Now, even though the castle was established at a time when Muggles were persecuting witches and wizards, it was Slytherin who eventually decided that Muggle-born children should not be admitted to the school, for fear that they were untrustworthy. He didn’t convince the others, though, so he left. To where, nobody knows. But the juicy part is that according to legend Slytherin built a secret chamber in Hogwarts called the, well, Chamber of Secrets. He sealed it, with the intention that his heir would one day open it and use a dark monster inside (but one which he could control) to let loose on any Muggle-borns studying at the school.
Students: Ooooooooh...
Binns: Now, naturally, the school has been searched many times, and no such chamber has been found. Alright, can we get back to the lesson now?!
[And the lesson goes on where he left off last.]
Ron: Well, naturally it’s all Slytherin’s fault. No shocker there.
Harry: You’re making me feel just great about the fact that the Hat would have put me in Slytherin. I always thought that was supposed to be some sort of moral test I passed!
Ron and Hermione: It was.
Colin: Hey, Harry, did you know that people are starting to thing you’re the Heir of Slytherin?
Harry: Oh, woe is me! I’m so very outcast.
Ron: Wait... what evidence do they have for thinking that way again?!
Harry: I guess there’s Filch, but come on! I didn’t do that!
[Just then they come across another written message on the wall: THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED]
Hermione: Oh, look, spiders.
[She indicates a long train of spiders, all heading toward the woods.]
Ron: WAAAAAAH! I hate spiders!
Hermione: But why?
Ron: Because my sadistic older brother turned my teddy bear into one! *Cries*
Hermione: Sorry I asked.... Anyway, there’s a girls’ bathroom in here. I think the water that was on the floor yesterday came from there. Let’s take a look inside.
Ron: Are we allowed to do that?
Hermione: Oh, nobody’s going to care. Moaning Myrtle lives in here, just FYI, so try not to upset her.
Moaning Myrtle: What are two boys doing in a girls’ bathroom, anyway?
Hermione: They’re friends of mine.
Moaning Myrtle: Sure, like that gives them an excuse.
Hermione: Hey, have you seen anything strange here lately?
Moaning Myrtle: Nope, I’ve just been my usual miserable self lately.
Hermione: There was an attack of something outside of here on Halloween.
Moaning Myrtle: Whu- I didn’t see anything. I was too busy trying to kill myself before I realized that I’m already dead!
Ron: Gee... is she serious?
Moaning Myrtle: UGH- BRB, crying! [Disappears]
[As the three of them leave they run into Percy.]
Percy: What were you two boys doing in a girls’ bathroom, you perverts?!
Ron: We were just looking around.
Percy: Yeah... you can’t go hanging around here, it’s too suspicious. And Ginny isn’t taking any of this well- you ought to think of her.
Ron: Hmph, I love my little sister more than you ever could because you’re ambitious Percy and I’m good, virtuous Ron! Now GTFO!
Percy: Oh, very nice, talking to your own older brother and Prefect like that! Five points from Gryffindor! [Strides away]
[Later that night, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are discussing the Heir of Slytherin again.]
Ron: It could be Malfoy!
Hermione: That’s your answer to everything, isn’t it.
Ron: Hey, why not? He does hate Muggle-borns.
Harry: Okay, but how can we prove it’s him?
Hermione: Well... there is a way... but it’s difficult...
Ron and Harry: Awwwww...
Hermione: And dangerous...
Ron and Harry: OOOOOOOH!
Hermione: Alright, alright. We’d need to get inside Slytherin common room. The best way to do that would be to make a special potion that can transform us temporarily into Slytherins. Too bad the book’s in the Restricted Section!
Harry: Oh, well. Where there’s a will, there’s a way!
Filch: Harry! You killed my cat, didn’t you?!
Harry: I did not!
Dumbledore: Relax, Harry didn’t do it. Listen, come with me to Lockhart’s office, three main characters. Oh, and Mr. Norris, too.
Filch: Why you....
[But they all go with Lockhart to his office, taking the cat with them.]
Lockhart: She was probably killed by a curse, see, and of course, seeing as I know everything there is to know about countercurses, I could have easily saved her except that I didn’t. Oh, well....
Dumbledore: Ah... I don’t think she’s dead.
Filch: She looks pretty dead to me. Aah, Mrs. Norris, you were my only friend in this world.... *Cries*
Dumbledore: Aah, but seeing as I am the great Dumbledore, I have the facts. And the facts are, she’s not dead. She’s Petrified.
Lockhart: Aha! Petrified! And, of course, being the great Gilderoy Lockhart, I knew she had been Petrified all along!
Filch: Yeah, whatever. Harry Petrified my cat as punishment for being a Squib! *Cries*
Dumbledore: Alright, now you’re jumping to conclusions.
Snape: Alright, my two cents: while it could easily be that Harry and Ron were just in the right place at the wrong time, I have to admit that the circumstances are suspicious. Why weren’t you three at dinner?
Harry: We were at a Deathday Party.
Lockhart: [to self] Great, unlike in the movie I can’t just say he was signing autographs with me. I look utterly evil through and through!
Snape: Alright, then, why didn’t you come to the Great Hall afterward?
Harry: Because.... [to self] Somehow against all logic I think that they will think I’m crazy if I tell them the truth, and so the only thing to do is... lie! [to Snape] Oh, we were just going to bed!
Ron: We weren’t hungry for dinner! [His stomach growls.]
Snape: Right, then.... I think I’ll just come out and say it: you’re lying!
Harry: *Cries*
Dumbledore: Be that as it may, I will have to be the voice of reason for once and claim that really, we can’t prove Harry has done anything wrong. As such, nothing shall be done until we get more information.
Filch: But what about my cat?!
Dumbledore: Don’t worry, we’ll be able to fix her using some of those Mandrakes from earlier.
Lockhart: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! I wanna make a Mandrake draught!
Snape: *Facepalm* Excuse me, but I am the Potions master here!
Lockhart: I’ve had my fun....
[Dumbledore dismisses Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who all go up to their rooms.]
Harry: So, do you think I should have told the truth?
Ron: Nah, they might still think you’re crazy. But, on the other hand... that creepy writing... enemies of the heir... that sounds very familiar. We might want to ask about that.
Harry: Incidentally, Filch said something about being a Squib. What’s that?
Ron: Eh, it’s someone with Wizarding parents but no magical talent. See, most Wizards are born with the innate ability to cast any magic they choose. If Filch needs to get extra help, he’s almost certainly a Squib. He is patently jealous of our magical talents, which is why he’s mean to us. Not that he deserves help, of course- no, mocking and ridicule are the best ways to deal with someone like him!
[The next days progress without incident, though Filch makes things more difficult than usual for the students in his grief. Eventually, in History of Magic class, Hermione sees a chance to get information on the Heir of Slytherin.]
Hermione: Professor Binns, sir? Could you tell us anything about the Heir of Slytherin?
Professor Binns: Oh, sure! Kiddies, this’ll be the fun history class! Not to say I believe in this Chamber of Secrets business, of course but... hey, you’ll like this. So, as you know Bob Hogwarts had four founders: Godric Gryffindor the god, Helga Hufflepuff the completely unimportant, Rowena Ravenclaw the sharp-witted generic, and Salazar Slytherin the evil racist. Now, even though the castle was established at a time when Muggles were persecuting witches and wizards, it was Slytherin who eventually decided that Muggle-born children should not be admitted to the school, for fear that they were untrustworthy. He didn’t convince the others, though, so he left. To where, nobody knows. But the juicy part is that according to legend Slytherin built a secret chamber in Hogwarts called the, well, Chamber of Secrets. He sealed it, with the intention that his heir would one day open it and use a dark monster inside (but one which he could control) to let loose on any Muggle-borns studying at the school.
Students: Ooooooooh...
Binns: Now, naturally, the school has been searched many times, and no such chamber has been found. Alright, can we get back to the lesson now?!
[And the lesson goes on where he left off last.]
Ron: Well, naturally it’s all Slytherin’s fault. No shocker there.
Harry: You’re making me feel just great about the fact that the Hat would have put me in Slytherin. I always thought that was supposed to be some sort of moral test I passed!
Ron and Hermione: It was.
Colin: Hey, Harry, did you know that people are starting to thing you’re the Heir of Slytherin?
Harry: Oh, woe is me! I’m so very outcast.
Ron: Wait... what evidence do they have for thinking that way again?!
Harry: I guess there’s Filch, but come on! I didn’t do that!
[Just then they come across another written message on the wall: THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED]
Hermione: Oh, look, spiders.
[She indicates a long train of spiders, all heading toward the woods.]
Ron: WAAAAAAH! I hate spiders!
Hermione: But why?
Ron: Because my sadistic older brother turned my teddy bear into one! *Cries*
Hermione: Sorry I asked.... Anyway, there’s a girls’ bathroom in here. I think the water that was on the floor yesterday came from there. Let’s take a look inside.
Ron: Are we allowed to do that?
Hermione: Oh, nobody’s going to care. Moaning Myrtle lives in here, just FYI, so try not to upset her.
Moaning Myrtle: What are two boys doing in a girls’ bathroom, anyway?
Hermione: They’re friends of mine.
Moaning Myrtle: Sure, like that gives them an excuse.
Hermione: Hey, have you seen anything strange here lately?
Moaning Myrtle: Nope, I’ve just been my usual miserable self lately.
Hermione: There was an attack of something outside of here on Halloween.
Moaning Myrtle: Whu- I didn’t see anything. I was too busy trying to kill myself before I realized that I’m already dead!
Ron: Gee... is she serious?
Moaning Myrtle: UGH- BRB, crying! [Disappears]
[As the three of them leave they run into Percy.]
Percy: What were you two boys doing in a girls’ bathroom, you perverts?!
Ron: We were just looking around.
Percy: Yeah... you can’t go hanging around here, it’s too suspicious. And Ginny isn’t taking any of this well- you ought to think of her.
Ron: Hmph, I love my little sister more than you ever could because you’re ambitious Percy and I’m good, virtuous Ron! Now GTFO!
Percy: Oh, very nice, talking to your own older brother and Prefect like that! Five points from Gryffindor! [Strides away]
[Later that night, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are discussing the Heir of Slytherin again.]
Ron: It could be Malfoy!
Hermione: That’s your answer to everything, isn’t it.
Ron: Hey, why not? He does hate Muggle-borns.
Harry: Okay, but how can we prove it’s him?
Hermione: Well... there is a way... but it’s difficult...
Ron and Harry: Awwwww...
Hermione: And dangerous...
Ron and Harry: OOOOOOOH!
Hermione: Alright, alright. We’d need to get inside Slytherin common room. The best way to do that would be to make a special potion that can transform us temporarily into Slytherins. Too bad the book’s in the Restricted Section!
Harry: Oh, well. Where there’s a will, there’s a way!
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