Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 16
Aug. 5th, 2011 12:12 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock Alright, it’s Chamber of Secrets time!!
McGonagall: Oh, by the way, you still have exams.
Harry: Hmph, I’ll use my Gary Stu magic to cancel exams by the time this story is up so I can to looking for the Chamber of Secrets.
Ron: Anyway, there’s still the issue of my bad wand. I don’t know how I could take a practical exam with a wand that won’t even do what I tell it to!
[Anyway, one morning at breakfast McGonagall announces that the Mandrakes are ready for use.]
Ron: Oh, good, that means Hermione’ll be able to give us all the answers without our needing to do any more work!
Ginny: Oh, ah, hi there. Listen... I have something important to say but... I can’t say it!
Ron: Oh, come on Ginny, we believe in you! Is it anything to do with the Chamber of Secrets?!
Ginny: Oh, no! It’s Percy! Gotta go! [Runs away]
Percy: Oh, hello there.
Ron: Hmph, Ginny was about to tell us something important before you walked in!
Percy: I’m quite sure it wasn’t all that important.
Ron: But what if it was?
Percy: I know what it was.
Ron: Then what was it?
Percy: That’s none of your beeswax!
[Anyway, Harry and Ron make a detour later to visit the Hospital Wing.]
Harry: Hey, look. Hermione has something in her hand. [Takes it out of her hand to read] It says... the Basilisk is the most feared creature of all. Anyone who looks straight into its eyes suffers instant death... spiders flee before it... it flees before roosters. AHA! The creature in the Chamber of Secrets is a Basilisk!
Ron: Hey, look, Hermione’s written “Pipes” on the paper.
Harry: Oh, so it’s using the plumbing! And you know what else? I’ll bet all the Petrified people saw the Basilisk’s reflection!
Ron: You know... I wonder if the Chamber of Secrets might be in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom!
Harry: Yes!
Ron: We’d better get to Professor McGonagall fast!
[So they go over to the staff room, to find all the teachers looking very frightened.]
McGonagall: It’s Jenny Weasley! She’s been taken into the Chamber of Secrets!
Teachers: Oh, no!
Lockhart: Oh, hi, sorry I’m late. What’s going on?
McGonagall: Listen, Lockhart, we know what an incompetent you’ve always been, and now to pay for your crimes you must go to the Chamber of Secrets and face the Basilisk alone.
Lockhart: Ah... I may be a moron but even I know that’s counterproductive.
McGonagall: Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll end up taking Harry Potter with you. He’s a Gary Stu, you know, so he’ll clean up any messes you make.
Lockhart: You’re mean! *Runs out the door crying*
Harry: We’d better follow him. It’s our only chance to save Ginny.
[They go to find Lockhart in his office, packing.]
Lockhart: Don’t bother me, I’m trying to run away!
Harry: But you can’t do that! We heard you were going to take on the Basilisk so we decided to help.
Lockhart: I’m not going to take on the Basilisk!
Harry: But you did so much in your books!
Lockhart: Those were all lies, lies! I had to get someone to buy my books so I wrote about them as if I’d done whatever I was describing and then I mind-raped anyone who knew the truth. I’m rather like JKR in that respect, really. I’m a slave to whatever will sell. The irony!
Harry: Yeah, whatever. Let’s go down to the Chamber of Secrets and put a stop to all this nonsense.
Lockhart: Not if I can help it! Memory Charm, I choose you!
Harry: Expelliarmus!
[Lockharts wand goes flying out of his hand]
Ron: Alright, now we can do this the easy way or the hard way.
Lockhart: Alright, you’ve won. Might as well get this over with.
[So the three of them go down to Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom and find her sitting on a toilet waiting for them.]
Moaning Myrtle: Alright, what is it this time?
Harry: Listen, I just wanted to ask you if you remember how you died.
Moaning Myrtle: Oh, I remember how I died alright. I was just hiding out in here from the jerkassy kids who were teasing me- hold that thought- and then I noticed there was a boy speaking some strange language so I went to tell him to get out of the girls’ bathroom and... I just sorta... died I guess. The last thing I remember is a pair of big yellow eyes. [Points to sink]
Harry: Hey, look, there’s a snake on the tap. Alright, Parselmouth- go!
[The snake opens a secret passageway, and Harry and Ron start to go in.]
Lockhart: Alright, thanks guys, I’ll just be on my way....
Harry: Oh, no you don’t. It’s time for you to atone for your sins, for you have displeased the great Harry Potter. Go first!
Lockhart: You son of a bitch.... [Slides down pipe]
[Harry and Ron follow Lockhart, and soon they’re in the tunnel that leads to the Chamber.]
Lockhart: Alright, enough is enough. I shall now mind-rape you two for making me put up with all your hero crap. Gimme that want, boy! [He grabs Ron’s wand and tries to cast a spell, but it backfires on him.]
Harry: Alright, Ron, I’m going ahead. You stay here. Leave if I’m not back in an hour.
Ron: You can count on me, Harry!
Harry: Alright, on I go....
[He inches along and uses Parselmouth to open his way into the Chamber of Secrets proper.]
McGonagall: Oh, by the way, you still have exams.
Harry: Hmph, I’ll use my Gary Stu magic to cancel exams by the time this story is up so I can to looking for the Chamber of Secrets.
Ron: Anyway, there’s still the issue of my bad wand. I don’t know how I could take a practical exam with a wand that won’t even do what I tell it to!
[Anyway, one morning at breakfast McGonagall announces that the Mandrakes are ready for use.]
Ron: Oh, good, that means Hermione’ll be able to give us all the answers without our needing to do any more work!
Ginny: Oh, ah, hi there. Listen... I have something important to say but... I can’t say it!
Ron: Oh, come on Ginny, we believe in you! Is it anything to do with the Chamber of Secrets?!
Ginny: Oh, no! It’s Percy! Gotta go! [Runs away]
Percy: Oh, hello there.
Ron: Hmph, Ginny was about to tell us something important before you walked in!
Percy: I’m quite sure it wasn’t all that important.
Ron: But what if it was?
Percy: I know what it was.
Ron: Then what was it?
Percy: That’s none of your beeswax!
[Anyway, Harry and Ron make a detour later to visit the Hospital Wing.]
Harry: Hey, look. Hermione has something in her hand. [Takes it out of her hand to read] It says... the Basilisk is the most feared creature of all. Anyone who looks straight into its eyes suffers instant death... spiders flee before it... it flees before roosters. AHA! The creature in the Chamber of Secrets is a Basilisk!
Ron: Hey, look, Hermione’s written “Pipes” on the paper.
Harry: Oh, so it’s using the plumbing! And you know what else? I’ll bet all the Petrified people saw the Basilisk’s reflection!
Ron: You know... I wonder if the Chamber of Secrets might be in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom!
Harry: Yes!
Ron: We’d better get to Professor McGonagall fast!
[So they go over to the staff room, to find all the teachers looking very frightened.]
McGonagall: It’s Jenny Weasley! She’s been taken into the Chamber of Secrets!
Teachers: Oh, no!
Lockhart: Oh, hi, sorry I’m late. What’s going on?
McGonagall: Listen, Lockhart, we know what an incompetent you’ve always been, and now to pay for your crimes you must go to the Chamber of Secrets and face the Basilisk alone.
Lockhart: Ah... I may be a moron but even I know that’s counterproductive.
McGonagall: Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll end up taking Harry Potter with you. He’s a Gary Stu, you know, so he’ll clean up any messes you make.
Lockhart: You’re mean! *Runs out the door crying*
Harry: We’d better follow him. It’s our only chance to save Ginny.
[They go to find Lockhart in his office, packing.]
Lockhart: Don’t bother me, I’m trying to run away!
Harry: But you can’t do that! We heard you were going to take on the Basilisk so we decided to help.
Lockhart: I’m not going to take on the Basilisk!
Harry: But you did so much in your books!
Lockhart: Those were all lies, lies! I had to get someone to buy my books so I wrote about them as if I’d done whatever I was describing and then I mind-raped anyone who knew the truth. I’m rather like JKR in that respect, really. I’m a slave to whatever will sell. The irony!
Harry: Yeah, whatever. Let’s go down to the Chamber of Secrets and put a stop to all this nonsense.
Lockhart: Not if I can help it! Memory Charm, I choose you!
Harry: Expelliarmus!
[Lockharts wand goes flying out of his hand]
Ron: Alright, now we can do this the easy way or the hard way.
Lockhart: Alright, you’ve won. Might as well get this over with.
[So the three of them go down to Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom and find her sitting on a toilet waiting for them.]
Moaning Myrtle: Alright, what is it this time?
Harry: Listen, I just wanted to ask you if you remember how you died.
Moaning Myrtle: Oh, I remember how I died alright. I was just hiding out in here from the jerkassy kids who were teasing me- hold that thought- and then I noticed there was a boy speaking some strange language so I went to tell him to get out of the girls’ bathroom and... I just sorta... died I guess. The last thing I remember is a pair of big yellow eyes. [Points to sink]
Harry: Hey, look, there’s a snake on the tap. Alright, Parselmouth- go!
[The snake opens a secret passageway, and Harry and Ron start to go in.]
Lockhart: Alright, thanks guys, I’ll just be on my way....
Harry: Oh, no you don’t. It’s time for you to atone for your sins, for you have displeased the great Harry Potter. Go first!
Lockhart: You son of a bitch.... [Slides down pipe]
[Harry and Ron follow Lockhart, and soon they’re in the tunnel that leads to the Chamber.]
Lockhart: Alright, enough is enough. I shall now mind-rape you two for making me put up with all your hero crap. Gimme that want, boy! [He grabs Ron’s wand and tries to cast a spell, but it backfires on him.]
Harry: Alright, Ron, I’m going ahead. You stay here. Leave if I’m not back in an hour.
Ron: You can count on me, Harry!
Harry: Alright, on I go....
[He inches along and uses Parselmouth to open his way into the Chamber of Secrets proper.]
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no subject
Date: 2011-08-07 07:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-07 10:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-07 11:04 pm (UTC)It's awfully convenient that the rockfall is no longer a problem by the time Harry's finished with Riddle and the basilisk, but considering that Ginny could have been and was alive but in danger, every minute counted.