Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 17

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Harry enters the Chamber of Secrets proper to find Ginny unconscious at the feet of the statue of Slytherin.]

Harry: Ginny! Oh, please don’t be dead! Who ever will I marry if you die now?!

Tom Riddle: Aha! I have you now my pretty!

Harry: Oh, hello, Tom Riddle! Are you here to help me save Ginny?!

Tom Riddle: ...You really think I’m here to help?

Harry: Sure! You seemed perfectly nice in your diary... well, except for that bit about framing Hagrid but.... Wow, you’re really, really hot too! Can I make out with you?!

Tom Riddle: *Flashes a dude-ur-so-retarded look* Don’t you get it?! I’m the bad guy! The Heir of Slytherin!

Harry: What? But you went to school....

Tom Riddle: Fifty years ago!

Harry: Then... who opened the Chamber this time?!

Tom Riddle: Jenny over there, of course!

Harry: WHAT?! But why would poor, innocent little Ginny do something like that?!

Tom Riddle: The diary, of course. She poured out her very heart and soul into the pages of my diary, and so it was simple for me to put mine into hers as well. I possessed her, and got her to strangle roosters, write threatening messages on the wall, set the Basilisk on the woobies up in the castle and- yes- open the Chamber of Secrets!

Harry: You bastard!

Tom Riddle: Yeah, but anyway, it was all part of my plan- to have revenge on you for foiling Voldemort!

Harry: How do you know about that?

Tom Riddle: *Rolls eyes* Because I am Voldemort. Or rather, his sixteen-year-old self.

Harry: LOLWHUT

Tom Riddle: Don’t you know that my name, “Tom Marvolo Riddle,” is “I am Lord Voldemort” anagramatized?! Here, I’ll show you. [He uses his magic wand to write “Tom Marvolo Riddle,” which he then rearranges to form “I Am Lord Voldemort.”]

Harry: Okay, I’m confused. You’re so hot now, but the last time I saw you last year you were ugly as sin.

Tom Riddle: Because beauty equals goodness, don’t you know? If someone is evil they must be ugly deep down. Now can I continue with my long-winded exposition speech?

Harry: You’re supposed to give a long-winded exposition speech?!

Tom Riddle: Yeah, one for every book. Well, sort of.

Harry: You can’t be serious!

Tom Riddle: Sorry to disappoint you. Maybe if I continue this long enough Jenny will be dead before you can even make a move!

Harry: NOOOOOOOO!!

Tom Riddle: Oh, fine then! Answer me this, Harry- how could you defeat me when you were just a baby?!

Harry: Because my mother, oh, who was Muggle-born, by the way, kthnx, died to save me.

Tom Riddle: Oh, that makes sense. By the way, you and I are a lot alike. I mean, except for the fact that I was basically born evil and you were born good. We’re totally similar, really, honest! So similar that you’re inherently morally superior to me just by existing! Ah, well, I’m still the greatest wizard in the world.

Harry: Noooo, you’re not the greatest wizard in the world! Only Dumbledore can be the greatest wizard in the world!

Tom Riddle: Ah, I see he brainwashed you to serve him faithfully.

Harry: *Fingers in ears* I belieeeeeeeeeeve in the poooooooweeeeeer of Dumbledooooooooore!

Tom Riddle: Oh, brother....

[Just then, Fawkes comes in with the Sorting Hat!]

Fawkes: Right answer, Harry!

Tom Riddle: Alright, I guess it’s time for the main event. HEY BASILISK! IT’S LUNCH TIME!!

[Tom Riddle wants to battle!]

[Tom Riddle sent out Basilisk!]

Harry: Fawkes! I choose you!

[The enemy’s Basilisk uses Glare!]

[It doesn’t affect Fawkes!]

[Fawkes uses Fury Attack! He gouges out the Basilisk’s eyes!]

Harry: Nice going, Fawkes!

Tom Riddle: Okay, this is boring! Basilisk, ignore the stupid bird and kill Harry already!

Basilisk: But... but... I wanna show off my Poison Fang technique!

Tom Riddle: Oh, shut up and do as you’re told! What do you think this is, some kind of Japanese Muggle video game?!

[So, the Basilisk goes after Harry now.]

Harry: Well, this isn’t good- but, I still have... the Sorting Hat! Oh, please let there be something good inside!

[Just then, the Sword of Gryffindor falls out!]

Harry: Yippee! Now I can slay giant snakes in style!

[The Basilisk lunges for Harry, but Harry jumps out of the way just in time and stabs the Basilisk through the face.]

Harry: Allow me to pierce you with my manly Gryffindor fighting spirit!

[Unfortunately, Harry gets one of the Basilisk’s fangs caught in his arm.]

Tom Riddle: Aha! Now you’re dead! Have fun with Jenny in hell!

[But Fawkes flies down and cries over Harry, healing him.]

Tom Riddle: Aww, dammit! You appeared to be dead!

Harry: Eat this! [He wrenches the fang out of his arm and stabs the diary. Tom Riddle dies.] Well, that was strangely simple!

Ginny: Hey! I’m awake now!

Harry: Good! Let’s get out of here!

[So Harry and Ginny link back up with Ron and Lockhart as Fawkes leads them out of the tunnel.]

Ron: Oh, Harry? Lockhart’s in really bad shape! His memory’s gone, and I’m virtually certain we’ll get to see in a few books how he never, ever recovers!

Lockhart: Hello. Who are you? Who am I? Who is me?

Ron: See?

Harry: Well, the asshole deserved it!

[Anyway, then Fawkes flies everyone out of the Chamber and back to Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom.]

Moaning Myrtle: Oh, hello. You’re still alive? How did you manage that?

Harry: Main characters tend to be phenomenally lucky, and I’m training to be a Gary Stu so it goes double for me!

Moaning Myrtle: *Sigh* Well, go on, then. I didn’t really think you’d share my toilet anyway....

Ron: I think she likes you....

[So they all go to Professor McGonagall’s office to see her and Dumbledore.]