Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 18
Aug. 7th, 2011 05:06 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockLast chapter, guys!
[When the group gets to McGonagall’s office they see not only McGonagall herself but also Mrs. Weasley and Dumbledore.]
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, Ginny! I’m so glad you’re safe! Harry, you can marry her anytime!
Harry: So... here are all the things I collected from the Chamber. [Displays the sword, the diary, and the Sorting Hat to Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore.]
Dumbledore: Hey, Harry, I don’t suppose you’ve figured out how Voldemort managed to possess Ginny when he’s currently nowhere in England.
Harry: It was his diary. I think he’s living in it somehow.
Dumbledore: Ah, yes... well... good to know. This’ll be important later, hint hint.
Mrs. Weasley: You were possessed?! You poor girl! You should have brought that diary straight to me- I told you not to fool around with just any magical object!
Ginny: But... but... I was mind-raped!
Dumbledore: She’s got a point there- mind rape: never the victim’s fault. [secretly to Harry] After all, she’s a Gryffindor, nothing we do is ever our fault. [to Mrs. Weasley] Why don’t you take your daughter to the hospital wing to get treatment?
[Ginny leaves with her parents and Dumbledore turns his attention to Harry and Ron.]
Dumbledore: So, for saving the school, you will both receive awards even though you broke rules. Oh, but Lockhart is here too. What’s the deal with him?
Lockhart: Who, me? I don’t remember anything.
Dumbledore: Aha! I know it! You’ve finally gotten your comeuppance.
Lockhart: Wow, I must’ve been a really terrible person before, mustn’t I?
Harry: Well, sort of. But you were a good actor.
Dumbledore: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Ron, Lockhart, leave me and Harry alone- I have a matter to discuss with him in private.
[Ron and Lockhart leave.]
Dumbledore: Just for the record, Fawkes came to you because you supported me in the chamber. That’s the way it works. For that I commend you.
Harry: Oh, good. But anyway, I remember Tom Riddle saying that I was like him.
Dumbledore: Well, yes and no. See, unlike him, you were born good. He was born evil.Therefore, there is no chance of your ever becoming like him.
Harry: But... but... the Sorting Hat said I’d be okay in Slytherin.
Dumbledore: Yes, but yet it put you in Gryffindor. Now why is that?
Harry: Because I asked it to.
Dumbledore: Yes, quite. And as such, you proved that you were not actually as pure evil as any real Slytherin, and thus could very well be a true Gryffindor. For only a Gryffindor can wield the Sword of Gryffindor.
Harry: But what about my ability to talk to snakes?
Dumbledore: Oh, that’s just because Dumbledore transferred his powers to you when he attacked you- you totally weren’t born to talk to evil slimy snakes or anything like that.
Harry: Oh, thanks, I feel so much better.
Dumbledore: So, we’re going to have another feast in your honor- go, enjoy!
[But just then, Lucius Malfoy enters the room, followed by Dobby.]
Lucius: [to Dumbledore] So, you’re back in school. I would like to know the meaning of this!
Dumbledore: Well, I am the only wizard Voldemort ever wanted to cross. They thought I should come back to take care of the Chamber of Secrets. And anyway, I’m sure you threatened them in the first place to make them want to suspend me- after all, it’s not as if I don’t take my job as Headmaster to the only wizarding school in Britain seriously, oh, no, what could have given you that idea?!
Lucius: Well, it’s good to see that’s settled, anyway.
Dumbledore: Oh, and by the way, I have a sneaking suspicion you gave Ginny Weasley Voldemort’s diary to discredit Arthur.
Lucius: It is the evil-bastard thing I would do, yes.
Harry: Aha! I know it! You slipped it to her in Flourish and Blotts!
Lucius: Why, yes I did. Aren’t I so very evil?
Harry: Hey, I’ve just got an... idea.... [He stuffs a sock into the diary and hands it to Lucius.] Hey Lucian, I’ve got something for you!
Lucius: Eh, it’s a sock. [He throws the sock away and Dobby catches it.]
Dobby: 0.o I’m free! Hooray!
Lucius: Ugh, loopholes!
Harry: I thrive on loopholes, Lucian- the more the merrier!
Lucius: Allow me to curse you for somehow freeing my slave!
Dobby: You shall not harm Harry Potter! [Attacks Lucius with magic]
Lucius: God damn you! I’ll get you for this! [Runs away.]
Dobby: Alright, I, Dobby the plot device, will now take my leave. [Disappears]
Harry: I don’t hope to see you again!
[Harry goes to the feast after that, and has a great time.]
McGonagall: Oh, by the way, as a school treat exams are cancelled.
Hermione: Boo, hoo. How I wish this place felt like a real school....
[On the train home...]
Harry: So, Ginny, what were you going to tell us about Percy?
Ginny: Oh, not much. Just that he has a girlfriend!
Fred: ORLY?
Ginny: YA RLY! That Ravenclaw Prefect Penelope Clearwater! Once I saw them... they were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest! Oh, so... you’re not going to tell anyone about this, are you?
Fred: Ginny, we’re too ashamed!
George: Agreed!
Harry: Alright, Ron, I’m going to give you a telephone number. Could you please call me once in awhile over the summer?
Ron: Ah... sure....
Hermione: Won’t your aunt and uncle be proud of you for everything you’ve done?
Harry: Nope- it’ll be abuse, abuse, abuse for poor, miserable, martyred Harry until next year, mark my words!
[And with that they arrive at the station to go home.]
END OF BOOK #2!!
[When the group gets to McGonagall’s office they see not only McGonagall herself but also Mrs. Weasley and Dumbledore.]
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, Ginny! I’m so glad you’re safe! Harry, you can marry her anytime!
Harry: So... here are all the things I collected from the Chamber. [Displays the sword, the diary, and the Sorting Hat to Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore.]
Dumbledore: Hey, Harry, I don’t suppose you’ve figured out how Voldemort managed to possess Ginny when he’s currently nowhere in England.
Harry: It was his diary. I think he’s living in it somehow.
Dumbledore: Ah, yes... well... good to know. This’ll be important later, hint hint.
Mrs. Weasley: You were possessed?! You poor girl! You should have brought that diary straight to me- I told you not to fool around with just any magical object!
Ginny: But... but... I was mind-raped!
Dumbledore: She’s got a point there- mind rape: never the victim’s fault. [secretly to Harry] After all, she’s a Gryffindor, nothing we do is ever our fault. [to Mrs. Weasley] Why don’t you take your daughter to the hospital wing to get treatment?
[Ginny leaves with her parents and Dumbledore turns his attention to Harry and Ron.]
Dumbledore: So, for saving the school, you will both receive awards even though you broke rules. Oh, but Lockhart is here too. What’s the deal with him?
Lockhart: Who, me? I don’t remember anything.
Dumbledore: Aha! I know it! You’ve finally gotten your comeuppance.
Lockhart: Wow, I must’ve been a really terrible person before, mustn’t I?
Harry: Well, sort of. But you were a good actor.
Dumbledore: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Ron, Lockhart, leave me and Harry alone- I have a matter to discuss with him in private.
[Ron and Lockhart leave.]
Dumbledore: Just for the record, Fawkes came to you because you supported me in the chamber. That’s the way it works. For that I commend you.
Harry: Oh, good. But anyway, I remember Tom Riddle saying that I was like him.
Dumbledore: Well, yes and no. See, unlike him, you were born good. He was born evil.Therefore, there is no chance of your ever becoming like him.
Harry: But... but... the Sorting Hat said I’d be okay in Slytherin.
Dumbledore: Yes, but yet it put you in Gryffindor. Now why is that?
Harry: Because I asked it to.
Dumbledore: Yes, quite. And as such, you proved that you were not actually as pure evil as any real Slytherin, and thus could very well be a true Gryffindor. For only a Gryffindor can wield the Sword of Gryffindor.
Harry: But what about my ability to talk to snakes?
Dumbledore: Oh, that’s just because Dumbledore transferred his powers to you when he attacked you- you totally weren’t born to talk to evil slimy snakes or anything like that.
Harry: Oh, thanks, I feel so much better.
Dumbledore: So, we’re going to have another feast in your honor- go, enjoy!
[But just then, Lucius Malfoy enters the room, followed by Dobby.]
Lucius: [to Dumbledore] So, you’re back in school. I would like to know the meaning of this!
Dumbledore: Well, I am the only wizard Voldemort ever wanted to cross. They thought I should come back to take care of the Chamber of Secrets. And anyway, I’m sure you threatened them in the first place to make them want to suspend me- after all, it’s not as if I don’t take my job as Headmaster to the only wizarding school in Britain seriously, oh, no, what could have given you that idea?!
Lucius: Well, it’s good to see that’s settled, anyway.
Dumbledore: Oh, and by the way, I have a sneaking suspicion you gave Ginny Weasley Voldemort’s diary to discredit Arthur.
Lucius: It is the evil-bastard thing I would do, yes.
Harry: Aha! I know it! You slipped it to her in Flourish and Blotts!
Lucius: Why, yes I did. Aren’t I so very evil?
Harry: Hey, I’ve just got an... idea.... [He stuffs a sock into the diary and hands it to Lucius.] Hey Lucian, I’ve got something for you!
Lucius: Eh, it’s a sock. [He throws the sock away and Dobby catches it.]
Dobby: 0.o I’m free! Hooray!
Lucius: Ugh, loopholes!
Harry: I thrive on loopholes, Lucian- the more the merrier!
Lucius: Allow me to curse you for somehow freeing my slave!
Dobby: You shall not harm Harry Potter! [Attacks Lucius with magic]
Lucius: God damn you! I’ll get you for this! [Runs away.]
Dobby: Alright, I, Dobby the plot device, will now take my leave. [Disappears]
Harry: I don’t hope to see you again!
[Harry goes to the feast after that, and has a great time.]
McGonagall: Oh, by the way, as a school treat exams are cancelled.
Hermione: Boo, hoo. How I wish this place felt like a real school....
[On the train home...]
Harry: So, Ginny, what were you going to tell us about Percy?
Ginny: Oh, not much. Just that he has a girlfriend!
Fred: ORLY?
Ginny: YA RLY! That Ravenclaw Prefect Penelope Clearwater! Once I saw them... they were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest! Oh, so... you’re not going to tell anyone about this, are you?
Fred: Ginny, we’re too ashamed!
George: Agreed!
Harry: Alright, Ron, I’m going to give you a telephone number. Could you please call me once in awhile over the summer?
Ron: Ah... sure....
Hermione: Won’t your aunt and uncle be proud of you for everything you’ve done?
Harry: Nope- it’ll be abuse, abuse, abuse for poor, miserable, martyred Harry until next year, mark my words!
[And with that they arrive at the station to go home.]
END OF BOOK #2!!
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