Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 4
Aug. 15th, 2011 11:18 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[Harry spends most of his time hanging out at the Leaky Cauldron and around Diagon Alley.]
Harry: As if I would ever go into the Muggle world when Wizard shops are so much more interesting just by being magical! There’s even an ice-cream store that gives me free sundaes every half-hour! Clearly the Wizarding World treats you nicely and Muggles treat you like crap!
[One day, he comes across a shiny new broom.]
Random Wizard: So... that’s a Firebolt, the most epically awesome broom in the world! Professional Quidditch players use them- if they can afford them, that is!
Harry: Wow, cool! I wonder if I’ll get one by the end of the year! Only the best for me, after all! Gee, it’s a shame I already have a perfectly good broom, isn’t it?
[Harry wanders into the bookstore to discover a book with a black dog on the cover.]
Harry: That looks exactly like the dog I saw earlier on the cover! And it’s a book about Death! Okay, now I’m scared!
[It takes awhile for him to pull his eyes away and buy his actual spellbooks.]
[One day, Harry runs into Ron and Hermione.]
Ron: So, Dad said you blew up your aunt!
Harry: Well, yeah....
Hermione: I’m surprised you weren’t expelled.
Harry: It’s part of my universal fame, clearly.
Ron: For sure. I know I never would have gotten away with things like that. Oh, by the way, my family’s staying at the Leaky Cauldron, along with Hermione.
Harry: Cheers! [He notices all of Hermione’s books.] Ah... you sure do have an awful lot!
Hermione: Yeah, well... I’m taking all the electives.
Ron: Including Muggle Studies?
Hermione: Sure, why not?!
Ron: But WHY?!
Hermione: I heard it’s loads of fun- you spend most of your time watching a movie.
Harry: Well... I guess that’s a motive...? Listen, Hermione, you’re not going to drive yourself insane from all the hard work and stress you’ll be under, are you?
Hermione: Ah... maybe? *Cheesy smile* Anyway I have some money left over so I thought I’d go buy a pet!
Ron: Speaking of which... [Pulls out Scabbers] Scabbers is looking mysteriously weak and sick. I wonder if that’s going to be somehow important?
[So they go to the pet shop.]
Ron: Ah... listen, Ms. Shopkeeper, could you look at my rat?
Shopkeeper: Sure thing. What sort of magical powers does he have?
Ron: Ah... none that I know of, really....
Shopkeeper: Well, how old is he?
Ron: He used to belong to my much-older brother.
Shopkeeper: He’s been alive for awhile, then? Well, maybe he’s just getting old- he’s just an ordinary rat, after all. Maybe you’d like a nice new one?
Ron: Ah... no, I don’t think so.
[Just then, a cat springs at Ron]
Hermione: No, don’t! [Retrieves cat]
Ron: That’s... that’s your pet?!
Hermione: Ah... yeah. Believe it!
Ron: He seems kinda... dangerous.
Hermione: Nonsense, when am I ever wrong about anything?
Ron: He’s going to kill my pet rat!
Hermione: Not if he stays in my dorm!
[Once they get back to the Leaky Cauldron they run into Mr. Weasley]
Harry: So, any luck catching Sirius Black?
Mr. Weasley: Nope, none. If only we had a little boy who could catch him for us.
[Just then, the rest of the Weasleys enter.]
Percy: Oh... hello....
All except Percy: Hello, Harry! *Tackleglomp*
Percy: So, anyway, I’ve been made Head Boy, not that any of you care!
Fred: Honestly, Percy, when will you learn that subscribing to law and order will get you nowhere in life? You ought to lighten up!
Percy: Why should I listen to you? You tried to lock me in a pyramid!
George: It was just practice for when we throw slimy Slytherins in Vanishing Cabinets a couple years down the road!
[Harry and Hermione eat dinner with the Weasleys, and the discussion turns serious.]
Mr. Weasley: So, the Ministry is providing cars to get us to school.
Percy: Really? Why would they do that?
Mr. Weasley: Why do you think?
George: To celebrate you becoming Head Boy?
Ron: A favor since you no longer have a car?
Mrs. Weasley: To conceal our weird luggage from Muggles?
Harry: Because Sirius Black is on the loose and will target us?
Mr. Weasley: Alas and alack, Harry Potter is right.
[Later that night...]
Percy: I lost my Head Boy badge!
Ron: I lost Scabbers’ tonic!
Harry: I’ll get them- you probably left them at the bar.
[As Harry goes down the hallway he overhears a conversation between Mr. and Mrs. Weasley.]
Mr. Weasley: *Loudly* You know, it’s a good thing Harry isn’t around so we can talk about this very important information!
Mrs. Weasley: I know, right?! He’d be terrified if he knew just how bad the situation really is!
Mr. Weasley: Oh, but don’t you think he ought to know at least why he isn’t safe? So he doesn’t do anything stupid?!
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, but Harry will be perfectly safe at Hogwarts! Gee, I’m so glad there’s no earthly way Harry could be eavesdropping at this point in time!
Mr. Weasley: Not if Black is clever enough to escape Azkaban and is targeting Harry!
Mrs. Weasley: But Dumbledore is stronger and he’ll protect Harry! I’m sure of it! Never mind the fact that students face near-death experiences at Hogwarts all the time!
Mr. Weasley: You know... Harry could be listening in on us right now! Why couldn’t it be like in the movie where I just pull him aside without this meaningless scene!?
Mrs. Weasley: I dunno. So, how about them Azkaban guards?!
Mr. Weasley: Oh, they’re scaaaary, aren’t they? I wish we didn’t need to use them on a school full of children!
[Eventually the conversation ends and Harry goes into the bar, where he finds Scabbers’ tonic.]
Fred and George: Hello, Harry! Look- we’ve bewitched Percy’s Head Boy badge to say Bighead Boy! Aren’t we clever?!
Harry: Sure, why not?!
[He climbs into bed that night feeling worried.]
Harry: You know, I’m not really all that scared of Black- I’m sure Dumbledore will protect me. No, my biggest concern is that I can’t go to Hogsmeade. I really wish I could risk my life by going out in the open with a mass murderer on the loose- I need to work that Gryffindor courage somehow, don’t I?! Oh, well, I guess I can sneak there illegally.... But... there was that dog, which the book said was an omen of death. Oh, well- I am the main character. I can’t die this early in the series!
Harry: As if I would ever go into the Muggle world when Wizard shops are so much more interesting just by being magical! There’s even an ice-cream store that gives me free sundaes every half-hour! Clearly the Wizarding World treats you nicely and Muggles treat you like crap!
[One day, he comes across a shiny new broom.]
Random Wizard: So... that’s a Firebolt, the most epically awesome broom in the world! Professional Quidditch players use them- if they can afford them, that is!
Harry: Wow, cool! I wonder if I’ll get one by the end of the year! Only the best for me, after all! Gee, it’s a shame I already have a perfectly good broom, isn’t it?
[Harry wanders into the bookstore to discover a book with a black dog on the cover.]
Harry: That looks exactly like the dog I saw earlier on the cover! And it’s a book about Death! Okay, now I’m scared!
[It takes awhile for him to pull his eyes away and buy his actual spellbooks.]
[One day, Harry runs into Ron and Hermione.]
Ron: So, Dad said you blew up your aunt!
Harry: Well, yeah....
Hermione: I’m surprised you weren’t expelled.
Harry: It’s part of my universal fame, clearly.
Ron: For sure. I know I never would have gotten away with things like that. Oh, by the way, my family’s staying at the Leaky Cauldron, along with Hermione.
Harry: Cheers! [He notices all of Hermione’s books.] Ah... you sure do have an awful lot!
Hermione: Yeah, well... I’m taking all the electives.
Ron: Including Muggle Studies?
Hermione: Sure, why not?!
Ron: But WHY?!
Hermione: I heard it’s loads of fun- you spend most of your time watching a movie.
Harry: Well... I guess that’s a motive...? Listen, Hermione, you’re not going to drive yourself insane from all the hard work and stress you’ll be under, are you?
Hermione: Ah... maybe? *Cheesy smile* Anyway I have some money left over so I thought I’d go buy a pet!
Ron: Speaking of which... [Pulls out Scabbers] Scabbers is looking mysteriously weak and sick. I wonder if that’s going to be somehow important?
[So they go to the pet shop.]
Ron: Ah... listen, Ms. Shopkeeper, could you look at my rat?
Shopkeeper: Sure thing. What sort of magical powers does he have?
Ron: Ah... none that I know of, really....
Shopkeeper: Well, how old is he?
Ron: He used to belong to my much-older brother.
Shopkeeper: He’s been alive for awhile, then? Well, maybe he’s just getting old- he’s just an ordinary rat, after all. Maybe you’d like a nice new one?
Ron: Ah... no, I don’t think so.
[Just then, a cat springs at Ron]
Hermione: No, don’t! [Retrieves cat]
Ron: That’s... that’s your pet?!
Hermione: Ah... yeah. Believe it!
Ron: He seems kinda... dangerous.
Hermione: Nonsense, when am I ever wrong about anything?
Ron: He’s going to kill my pet rat!
Hermione: Not if he stays in my dorm!
[Once they get back to the Leaky Cauldron they run into Mr. Weasley]
Harry: So, any luck catching Sirius Black?
Mr. Weasley: Nope, none. If only we had a little boy who could catch him for us.
[Just then, the rest of the Weasleys enter.]
Percy: Oh... hello....
All except Percy: Hello, Harry! *Tackleglomp*
Percy: So, anyway, I’ve been made Head Boy, not that any of you care!
Fred: Honestly, Percy, when will you learn that subscribing to law and order will get you nowhere in life? You ought to lighten up!
Percy: Why should I listen to you? You tried to lock me in a pyramid!
George: It was just practice for when we throw slimy Slytherins in Vanishing Cabinets a couple years down the road!
[Harry and Hermione eat dinner with the Weasleys, and the discussion turns serious.]
Mr. Weasley: So, the Ministry is providing cars to get us to school.
Percy: Really? Why would they do that?
Mr. Weasley: Why do you think?
George: To celebrate you becoming Head Boy?
Ron: A favor since you no longer have a car?
Mrs. Weasley: To conceal our weird luggage from Muggles?
Harry: Because Sirius Black is on the loose and will target us?
Mr. Weasley: Alas and alack, Harry Potter is right.
[Later that night...]
Percy: I lost my Head Boy badge!
Ron: I lost Scabbers’ tonic!
Harry: I’ll get them- you probably left them at the bar.
[As Harry goes down the hallway he overhears a conversation between Mr. and Mrs. Weasley.]
Mr. Weasley: *Loudly* You know, it’s a good thing Harry isn’t around so we can talk about this very important information!
Mrs. Weasley: I know, right?! He’d be terrified if he knew just how bad the situation really is!
Mr. Weasley: Oh, but don’t you think he ought to know at least why he isn’t safe? So he doesn’t do anything stupid?!
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, but Harry will be perfectly safe at Hogwarts! Gee, I’m so glad there’s no earthly way Harry could be eavesdropping at this point in time!
Mr. Weasley: Not if Black is clever enough to escape Azkaban and is targeting Harry!
Mrs. Weasley: But Dumbledore is stronger and he’ll protect Harry! I’m sure of it! Never mind the fact that students face near-death experiences at Hogwarts all the time!
Mr. Weasley: You know... Harry could be listening in on us right now! Why couldn’t it be like in the movie where I just pull him aside without this meaningless scene!?
Mrs. Weasley: I dunno. So, how about them Azkaban guards?!
Mr. Weasley: Oh, they’re scaaaary, aren’t they? I wish we didn’t need to use them on a school full of children!
[Eventually the conversation ends and Harry goes into the bar, where he finds Scabbers’ tonic.]
Fred and George: Hello, Harry! Look- we’ve bewitched Percy’s Head Boy badge to say Bighead Boy! Aren’t we clever?!
Harry: Sure, why not?!
[He climbs into bed that night feeling worried.]
Harry: You know, I’m not really all that scared of Black- I’m sure Dumbledore will protect me. No, my biggest concern is that I can’t go to Hogsmeade. I really wish I could risk my life by going out in the open with a mass murderer on the loose- I need to work that Gryffindor courage somehow, don’t I?! Oh, well, I guess I can sneak there illegally.... But... there was that dog, which the book said was an omen of death. Oh, well- I am the main character. I can’t die this early in the series!
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