Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 5
Aug. 16th, 2011 11:35 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock [Harry and the rest of the gang go to King’s Cross the next day.]
Percy: If you’ll excuse me, I’ll just get out of your contemptuous hair and go off to chat with my girlfriend Penelope! [Skips off] Tra-la-la, tra-la-laaaaaaa....
Mrs. Weasley: Oy vey....*
Mr. Weasley: So... ah... Harry... I have top-secret matters to discuss with you.
Harry: Honestly, I can guess what they are- I overheard you talking about top secret stuff last night with Mrs. Weasley.
Mr. Weasley: Oh... okay. Yeah, I guess I figured.... Anyway, just... promise me that you won’t go looking for Black, alright?
Harry: But Mr. Weasley, sir, why would I go looking for someone who tried to kill me?
Mrs. Weasley: AAAAAaarthuuuuuuur, Haaaaaaaaarryyyy! Mach shnel!! The train is leaving!
Harry: Alright, I’m coming!
[Harry catches up with Ron and Hermione on the train, but the only open compartment is one in the far back, which has a sickly-looking man sleeping in it.]
Harry: Ron, I didn’t know you were Jewish!
Ron: I didn’t know either!
Harry: Who is that? [Indicates man]
Hermione: He’s Professor Loopin, or something. I saw his name on a suitcase. No doubt he’ll be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts.
Harry: So, I have some Important Business to discuss with you. Ron, your parents think Black is coming after me!
Ron: Color me shocked- you’re famous Harry Potter after all!
Hermione: Yeah, well... let’s just hope someone’s out there making sure he stays away from us!
[Just then, Harry’s Sneakoscope starts whistling.]
Harry: Does that mean I’m in danger?
Ron: Maybe not- it’s pretty cheap and stuff.
Hermione: So, how about that Hogsmeade trip? I hear it’s one of the only non-Muggle settlements in Britain?
Ron: Yeah, and they’ve got a candy store too!
Harry: You have fun with that! *Sulks*
Hermione: Why, you can’t go?
Harry: Nope! My hideously abusive guardians wouldn’t sign a stinking permission slip!
Ron: Well, you could always sneak out!
Harry: I... maybe....
Hermione: But that’s not safe! Not with Black around!
Ron: Oh, please, like that’s ever stopped us before!
[After awhile, Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle come to the cabinet.]
Draco: Hello! Just coming to give you your RDA of twerping around!
Harry: Watch your step- there’s a teacher here! *Indicates Lupin*
Draco: Aw, crap! Maybe some other time then! [He, Crabbe, and Goyle leave.]
[A short time afterward the train comes to a halt and all the lights go out.]
Harry: What’s happening?
Ron: I have no idea- but it looks like there’s something moving outside!
Neville: Hey, you mind if I stay with the heroes for now, thus reducing my chances of suffering horribly?
Harry: Naw, go ahead.
Ginny: Hi, everyone! I’m scared! May I stay with the heroes and reduce my chances of suffering horribly?
Harry: Sure thing, my future wife.
Lupin: Heroic entrance time! Lumos! *Turns on his wand light* Alright, now I’ll just see if I can’t do something about all this....
[But then a Dementor starts to enter the compartment!]
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
[Harry convulses in fear and faints]
Harry: Whut... what just happened?
Ron: Loopin over there just chased away the creature. You’re alright.
Lupin: Here you are, kids! Have some chocolate!
Harry: What was that thing?
Lupin: That was a Dementor- one of the Azkaban guards. They induce clinical depression, and sometimes worse. Don’t worry, though- all a clinical depression needs is a little chocolate and you’ll be right as rain! [He leaves to speak to the driver]
Harry: Are you sure about that...?
Hermione: So, are you sure you’re alright? Because you just sort of fainted. But Lupin shot a gushing silvery thing from his giant wand and made the Dementor go away. And that is not a euphemism for anything.
Ron: I felt like I would never be cheerful again.
Harry: Did any of you faint?
Ron: Ah... no.... Come on, Harry, as if any of us could possibly be as faint-worthy as you. The more Woobie points you rack up, the better!
[Anyway, they then arrive at the school without another incident.]
Malfoy: So, Harry, did you actually faint on the train?
Harry: Oh, shove it, Malfoy! You’ll pay for this in a couple of books when you get physically ill over causing harm and I torture people without due comment!
Lupin: Please, go away, Slytherin.
Malfoy: Hmph! *Runs away*
McGonagall: Harry, Hermione, I need to speak to you!
[Harry and Hermione follow McGonagall to her office.]
McGonagall: So, Harry, I’ve heard news that you had a fainting spell on the train.
Harry: Well... yeah....
[Just then, Madame Pomfrey enters.]
Madame Pomfrey: So, what is it that these two have gotten up to?
McGonagall: From what I understand, Harry had a fainting spell when he saw a Dementor. Poor Harry. You know, he might actually be psychologically fragile and need special care, you ever think of that?
Madame Pomfrey: Dumbledore will never listen.
McGonagall: Yeah, but... what else can we do?
Harry: Listen, that’s really not necessary. I’m fine- the more your hero suffers, the better he’ll look by the end of the day!
McGonagall: Well, I’m glad you feel that way.
Harry: Hey, it’s Gryffindor courage!
McGonagall: Great. Now go on while I speak to your friend, here. [Indicates Hermione.]
[Harry returns to the Great Hall, followed by Hermione.]
Harry: Looks like we’ve missed the sorting.
Dumbledore: Alright, speechytiem!!
Students: @-@
Dumbledore: Alright so... as you know, Bobs, our castle is now being guarded by the evil Dementors of Azkaban. Dementors are vicious, dangerous creatures, and so you’d best not give them any reason to harm you. I’m sure their search of the train has taught you that. But, anyway, we have two new teachers at our school this year: Remus Lupin, for Defense Against the Dark Arts, and, here’s the kicker, Rubeus Hagrid for Care of Magical Creatures.
Ron: Hey, look. Snape doesn’t look like he likes Lupin at all!
Harry: Wow, he looks evil even for Snape! I wonder what this means....
[After the feast is over Harry, Ron, and Hermione talk to Hagrid.]
Harry: I’m so happy you’re a teacher now. You’ll give us all good grades, right?!
Hagrid: Eh, maybe. Hey, listen, the funniest thing. Professor Kettleburn wanted to retire in order to enjoy time with his remaining limbs, and so Dumbledore assigned me the job right away. Isn’t that nice of him?
Harry: Yeah, sure.
[Later on they all return to their dormitories to go to bed.]
*Note: I am Jewish!
Percy: If you’ll excuse me, I’ll just get out of your contemptuous hair and go off to chat with my girlfriend Penelope! [Skips off] Tra-la-la, tra-la-laaaaaaa....
Mrs. Weasley: Oy vey....*
Mr. Weasley: So... ah... Harry... I have top-secret matters to discuss with you.
Harry: Honestly, I can guess what they are- I overheard you talking about top secret stuff last night with Mrs. Weasley.
Mr. Weasley: Oh... okay. Yeah, I guess I figured.... Anyway, just... promise me that you won’t go looking for Black, alright?
Harry: But Mr. Weasley, sir, why would I go looking for someone who tried to kill me?
Mrs. Weasley: AAAAAaarthuuuuuuur, Haaaaaaaaarryyyy! Mach shnel!! The train is leaving!
Harry: Alright, I’m coming!
[Harry catches up with Ron and Hermione on the train, but the only open compartment is one in the far back, which has a sickly-looking man sleeping in it.]
Harry: Ron, I didn’t know you were Jewish!
Ron: I didn’t know either!
Harry: Who is that? [Indicates man]
Hermione: He’s Professor Loopin, or something. I saw his name on a suitcase. No doubt he’ll be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts.
Harry: So, I have some Important Business to discuss with you. Ron, your parents think Black is coming after me!
Ron: Color me shocked- you’re famous Harry Potter after all!
Hermione: Yeah, well... let’s just hope someone’s out there making sure he stays away from us!
[Just then, Harry’s Sneakoscope starts whistling.]
Harry: Does that mean I’m in danger?
Ron: Maybe not- it’s pretty cheap and stuff.
Hermione: So, how about that Hogsmeade trip? I hear it’s one of the only non-Muggle settlements in Britain?
Ron: Yeah, and they’ve got a candy store too!
Harry: You have fun with that! *Sulks*
Hermione: Why, you can’t go?
Harry: Nope! My hideously abusive guardians wouldn’t sign a stinking permission slip!
Ron: Well, you could always sneak out!
Harry: I... maybe....
Hermione: But that’s not safe! Not with Black around!
Ron: Oh, please, like that’s ever stopped us before!
[After awhile, Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle come to the cabinet.]
Draco: Hello! Just coming to give you your RDA of twerping around!
Harry: Watch your step- there’s a teacher here! *Indicates Lupin*
Draco: Aw, crap! Maybe some other time then! [He, Crabbe, and Goyle leave.]
[A short time afterward the train comes to a halt and all the lights go out.]
Harry: What’s happening?
Ron: I have no idea- but it looks like there’s something moving outside!
Neville: Hey, you mind if I stay with the heroes for now, thus reducing my chances of suffering horribly?
Harry: Naw, go ahead.
Ginny: Hi, everyone! I’m scared! May I stay with the heroes and reduce my chances of suffering horribly?
Harry: Sure thing, my future wife.
Lupin: Heroic entrance time! Lumos! *Turns on his wand light* Alright, now I’ll just see if I can’t do something about all this....
[But then a Dementor starts to enter the compartment!]
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
[Harry convulses in fear and faints]
Harry: Whut... what just happened?
Ron: Loopin over there just chased away the creature. You’re alright.
Lupin: Here you are, kids! Have some chocolate!
Harry: What was that thing?
Lupin: That was a Dementor- one of the Azkaban guards. They induce clinical depression, and sometimes worse. Don’t worry, though- all a clinical depression needs is a little chocolate and you’ll be right as rain! [He leaves to speak to the driver]
Harry: Are you sure about that...?
Hermione: So, are you sure you’re alright? Because you just sort of fainted. But Lupin shot a gushing silvery thing from his giant wand and made the Dementor go away. And that is not a euphemism for anything.
Ron: I felt like I would never be cheerful again.
Harry: Did any of you faint?
Ron: Ah... no.... Come on, Harry, as if any of us could possibly be as faint-worthy as you. The more Woobie points you rack up, the better!
[Anyway, they then arrive at the school without another incident.]
Malfoy: So, Harry, did you actually faint on the train?
Harry: Oh, shove it, Malfoy! You’ll pay for this in a couple of books when you get physically ill over causing harm and I torture people without due comment!
Lupin: Please, go away, Slytherin.
Malfoy: Hmph! *Runs away*
McGonagall: Harry, Hermione, I need to speak to you!
[Harry and Hermione follow McGonagall to her office.]
McGonagall: So, Harry, I’ve heard news that you had a fainting spell on the train.
Harry: Well... yeah....
[Just then, Madame Pomfrey enters.]
Madame Pomfrey: So, what is it that these two have gotten up to?
McGonagall: From what I understand, Harry had a fainting spell when he saw a Dementor. Poor Harry. You know, he might actually be psychologically fragile and need special care, you ever think of that?
Madame Pomfrey: Dumbledore will never listen.
McGonagall: Yeah, but... what else can we do?
Harry: Listen, that’s really not necessary. I’m fine- the more your hero suffers, the better he’ll look by the end of the day!
McGonagall: Well, I’m glad you feel that way.
Harry: Hey, it’s Gryffindor courage!
McGonagall: Great. Now go on while I speak to your friend, here. [Indicates Hermione.]
[Harry returns to the Great Hall, followed by Hermione.]
Harry: Looks like we’ve missed the sorting.
Dumbledore: Alright, speechytiem!!
Students: @-@
Dumbledore: Alright so... as you know, Bobs, our castle is now being guarded by the evil Dementors of Azkaban. Dementors are vicious, dangerous creatures, and so you’d best not give them any reason to harm you. I’m sure their search of the train has taught you that. But, anyway, we have two new teachers at our school this year: Remus Lupin, for Defense Against the Dark Arts, and, here’s the kicker, Rubeus Hagrid for Care of Magical Creatures.
Ron: Hey, look. Snape doesn’t look like he likes Lupin at all!
Harry: Wow, he looks evil even for Snape! I wonder what this means....
[After the feast is over Harry, Ron, and Hermione talk to Hagrid.]
Harry: I’m so happy you’re a teacher now. You’ll give us all good grades, right?!
Hagrid: Eh, maybe. Hey, listen, the funniest thing. Professor Kettleburn wanted to retire in order to enjoy time with his remaining limbs, and so Dumbledore assigned me the job right away. Isn’t that nice of him?
Harry: Yeah, sure.
[Later on they all return to their dormitories to go to bed.]
*Note: I am Jewish!
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no subject
Date: 2011-08-17 03:27 pm (UTC)Not even Ginny, who was just possessed by a murderous psychopath *last year.*
/Dementors are vicious, dangerous creatures, and so you’d best not give them any reason to harm you./
That seems to be the mentality of this whole book. “If a dangerous creature hurts you, it’s because you brought it on yourself,” not “We should have kept a better eye on that monster and should have taken precautions and kept it far away from you so that it wouldn’t hurt you.”
no subject
Date: 2011-08-17 04:48 pm (UTC)Someone should invent the magical equivalent of an electronic fence to keep Dementors corralled. Maybe part of the Ministry's bargain with them is that anyone who gets too close without adequate protection is fair game?