Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 7

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Later that week, Draco returns to class in the middle of Potions.]

Draco: Oh, woe is me! The injury! It buuuuuuurns! Aren’t I such a victim?!

Pansy: Sure, okay....

Everyone else: 0.o

Draco: Hmph, it works when Harry tries it....

Snape: Alright, that’s enough theatrics for right now- I’m trying to teach a lesson here.

Harry: Hmph! If that’d been me, he would’ve given me detention! He totally favors his students above all others! It’s not like the other teachers do that, after all! Oh, wait....

Draco: Hey, Professor? I can’t really use a knife, see. Could you get the heroes to cut up my stuff?

Snape: Alright, allow me to be a jackass by assigning the heroes who clearly hate you to do your work. Ron, cut daisy roots; Harry, skin a Shrivelfig.

Ron: Allow us to do your work sloppily while we do our work neatly. It’s your own fault you’re not working, after all.

Draco: No faaaaaair!

Snape: I’ll have none of that- why don’t you two boys trade your work with Malfoy?

Ron: That’s not faaaaaair!

Snape: Attention to detail, my friends!

Draco: Oh, by the way, I’m exaggerating my injury to get Hagrid sacked. Not that he doesn’t deserve it, though....

Ron: How’s about I give you a real injury, huh?

Draco: What makes you think this isn’t a real injury? Anyway, my father is complaining and we’re hopeful he’ll actually be able to force Dumbledore to let Hagrid go!

[Meanwhile, Neville is as awkward in Potions as ever.]

Snape: Aha! Navel, potion! You’re doing it wrong! And you brought your toad to class, too! Do you have any idea what sorts of trouble your toad could cause in a Potions classroom?!

Neville: Gee, I’m sorry....

Snape: Maybe I’ll teach you a lesson by feeding that potion to your little toad and seeing what happens, huh? You have till the end of class to change my mind.

Neville: Oh, no! Hermione, save my toad for me!

Hermione: Alright, alright, I’ll fix your potion. Now, what you have to do is this....

[Meanwhile, Harry is talking with Seamus.]

Seamus: So... there was a Muggle woman who saw Sirius Black. Of course she called the Muggle police, who were completely useless and couldn’t do anything- by the time the Wizards got involved he was gone.

Draco: You know, Harry, I’d just like to hypocritically call you a coward for not chasing after Sirius like a real man would do. Damn you, Harry, even I know what your House is known for better than you do!

Snape: Alright, now, you should all be finished with your potions so I’m going to test Navel’s on his toad!

Gryffindors: Oh, what a meanie! He’s going to kill Navel’s pet!

Slytherins: Is he serious...?

[Snape takes Trevor and feeds him potion. Trevor turns into a tadpole.]

Snape: So... yeah, it worked.... Not that any of you Gryffindors will care about this but... [Grabs an antidote and restores Trevor.] So... there. Navel, don’t you ever let me catch you bringing your pets to class again!

Neville: Why me...?

[Defense Against the Dark Arts is in the afternoon.]

Lupin: Alright, Gryffindors, I’ve got a special treat for you. Please, come with me to the staff room!

[They go to the staff room, where Snape is.]

Snape: You bastard! It’s you!

Lupin: Right you are!

Snape: I’m leaving! You just do whatever you want while I go off to scheme!

Lupin: Well, now that that’s over.... There’s a Boggart in that wardrobe over there. *Points* I’m going to take it out and show each of you, and it will transform into whatever each of you most fears. And yes, you will deal with it right in front of the entire class.

Students: D:

Lupin: Don’t worry, there’s a simple way to deal with a Boggart: just force it to assume a shape you find amusing. The way you do that is by saying ‘Riddikuklus.’ Now, then, Navel, maybe you should be the first person to demonstrate.

Neville: But why...? I’ll get scared to death!

Lupin: Don’t worry. Now, what do you fear most in the world?!

Neville: [to self] Is he serious? [to Lupin] Ah... Snape! Yeah, that’s it, Snape!

Lupin: A wise choice. Now, then, let’s think about this: Navel, you have a grandmother, right?

Neville: Ah, yeah... but... I don’t want the Boggart to turn into her either- that would be worse!

Lupin: Alright, don’t worry- it won’t. What clothes does she wear?

Neville: Why, she wears heels and stockings every day.

Lupin: Alright, now we’re onto something. Neville, when you say ‘Riddikulus,’ I want you to imagine Snape in heels and stockings. And just like that... he’ll be in heels and stockings! Wanna give it a go?

Neville: Ah... do I have a choice?

Lupin: But thou must!

Neville: Okay, okay. I’m sure I’ll thank you later when I become the real hero of this story....

[Lupin opens the wardrobe, and the Boggart appears in the guise of Snape.

Boggart: Snape, Snape, Seve-rus Snape....

Neville: R-riddikulus!

[the Boggart suddenly starts wearing a getup that includes heels and stockings.]



Lupin: See, that wasn’t so bad, was it? Now, who’s next?

[After that, the students go up one by one, and all their Boggarts are silly, childish things that are easy to make fun of. The only one who doesn’t get a shot at it is Harry.]

Lupin: Alright, everyone, twenty points to Gryffindor for that special lesson! Harry, congratulations for being ever so noble as to not bother us with your very real, Woobiefying terror.

Harry: *Sigh* I wish everyone could’ve seen my Dementor, so they knew how much better I was than them to have a serious fear....

Seamus: Oh, by the way, I was the banshee. Irish people must be scared of banshees above all else, right?

Lavender: Hey, did anyone notice that Lupin was scared of a silvery orb that looked like a crystal ball?

Harry: Wow, I wonder what that means!