Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 8
Aug. 19th, 2011 12:47 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockHarry: Wow, Loopin’s classes are the best! I can’t believe anyone would have anything bad to say about him!
Draco: Yes, but he’s very badly dressed. I have a hard time believing that’s coincidence.
[Unfortunately, Harry hates just about every other class with a passion.]
Harry: Snape is so meeeeeeean to us since that whole incident with the Boggart! And Trevolry is a stupid hack who keeps claiming I’m going to die- it’s only silly girly girls like Lavender and Parvati who like her anyway. And Care of Magical Creatures is so booooring now that we’re studying stupid Flobberworms instead of dangerous Hippogriffs!
[Soon enough, however, Quidditch season begins.]*
Wood: Sooo, yeah... herp derp we’re the best Quidditch team in the world, and I’m leaving this year so we’d better win, derp.... Oh, and Harry, you’ve won every single match since you signed up- good for you. But we’ve still never been able to win!
Fred: Don’t worry- this year will be different, I can tell!
[So practices go on as usual. One night, as Harry returns from practice...]
Ron: So, our first Hogsmeade trip is coming up around Halloween!
Harry: Speak for yourself- I can’t go.
Hermione: Yeah, well... there’s always next time.
Ron: Oh, fuck that, Harry- Black isn’t coming to Hogsmeade, you ought to at least ask McGonagall....
Harry: Nah, why do that? If I really want to go I’ll just sneak in under my Invisibility Cloak!
Ron: Point taken.... So, you wanna copy my star chart?
Hermione: Oh, for Pete’s sake- am I the only one who believes in academic honesty?!
Ron: Well, there is Percy, but nobody likes him....
Hermione: God dammit! It’s like there’s nobody in this school who’s a good student who isn’t a neurotic weirdo whom nobody likes! Or a Ravenclaw, but who cares about them anyway!
Harry: Anti-intellectualism is a beautiful thing.
[Suddenly, Crookshanks attacks the bag Scabbers is in]
Crookshanks: RAWR!
Ron: Oh, no, you don’t!
[The bag rips open and Scabbers runs away, Crookshanks following him.]
Ron: What in the hell does you cat have against my rat, anyway?!
Hermione: Well, cats do kinda chase rats, you know.
Ron: I believe you mean mice? And anyway, it’s not my fault you can’t keep your cat under control!
Hermione: You say that now, but I’ll bet I’ll end up validated in the end.
[So, the next day in Transfiguration...]
Lavender: Oh, woe is me! My baby rabbit died! And it’s the sixteenth of October!
Parvati: I feel your pain, Lavender. Let’s be simpering girly girls together!
Lavender: You know, I’ll bet this was what Professor Trelawney was talking about when she said something bad would happen on October 16! Aha!
Hermione: No, that can’t be. Do we even know if the rabbit died today? And you can’t have been dreading it all that much if you’re so surprised now....
Ron: Ah, Hermione, as cold-hearted and thoughtless as ever, I see?!
Lavender: Hey, you’re right. Maybe you should dump her and date me for awhile?
Ron: Eh, she’s not my girlfriend. Maybe in a couple books...?
McGonagall: Alright, so, yeah, if you still have your permission slips, get them to me before Halloween or I can’t send you to Hogsmeade.
Neville: Ah, I think I’ve lost mine.
McGonagall: Don’t worry, your memory is so poor that your grandmother sent yours to me personally.
Neville: Gee, thanks....
[At the end of class, Harry goes to appeal to Professor McGonagall.]
Harry: Listen, you think you could give me permission to go to Hogsmeade just this once?
McGonagall: No, I can’t give you permission- you need a permission slip signed by your parents or guardians.
Harry: But... but... my guardians are abusive! I still have scars from the time they stuck me on the...!
McGonagall: Spare me, please. I’m sorry, but that’s my final word.
Harry: You’re mean! *Cries*
[Later...]
Harry: Oh, woe is me! I can’t go to Hogsmeade! My life is coming apart at the seams!
Ron: Come on, it’s Halloween! You could always go to the feast like you did the first two years.
Harry: But... but... I’ll be less of a wizard if I miss out even once!
Percy: You know, it’s just a little town with a couple of shops and a Shrieking Shack. Nothing all that special really. Honestly, don’t you have anything else you could be doing?
Harry: But... but... why does everything have to be out of reach of poor, shameful, miserable Harry Potter?!
Percy: But you could always play solitary games or do homework or decorate the dorm for Halloween....
Harry: Go away, Percy! No one likes you!
Percy: Honestly, you’re as bad as my brothers!
[On Halloween, Harry sees his friends off at breakfast.]
Ron: Don’t worry, we’ll bring you sweets. That’ll cheer you up!
Harry: Allow me to nobly decline. I shall deny myself the delights of Hogsmeade so I look more heroically miserable.
Draco: So, Harry, I heard you’re not going to Hogsmeade. You must be scared of the Dementors!
Harry: I’m not going to Hogsmeade because my horrible abusive Muggle guardians won’t let me! You wanna know about the time they poisoned me several times in succession, taking me to a hospital after each one only to poison me again?!
Draco: Wow, you’ve got serious issues!
[After breakfast, Harry goes back to his room.]
Colin: Oh, hi Harry!
Harry: Great, my number one annoying fanboy returns!
Colin: Harry, you wanna come join me and my friends?!
Harry: Ah, no thank you, you creep me out. I’ll just be in the library.
[But on the way to the library, Harry runs into Filch.]
Filch: Oh, it’s you.
Harry: Oh, ah... hello, Mr. Norris!
Filch: My name’s Filch you moron! Now then, why aren’t you in Hogsmeade?
Harry: I... I was just heading to the library....
Filch: A likely story. I know your type- always sneaking around. Now get back to your room!
Harry: No! [Runs up to the Owlery]
Lupin: Oh Harry! It’s you! What a coincidence- I was just looking for you!
Harry: Great, great! So... what do you want with me?
Lupin: Oh, just something I want to speak to you about in private. Come with me.
[Harry goes to Lupin’s office, which has a Grindylow in it.]
Harry: You know, I just thought of something. I already take Care of Magical Creatures- why is it that you’ve shown us so many magical animals in class?
Lupin: Ah... frankly, I’ve never been able to figure that out myself. But, anyway, it’s about the Boggart. I didn’t want you to face the boggart because I thought it would turn into Volfemort. We can’t have that, can we?
Harry: Well, no. But, then I remembered the Dementors and so I thought....
Lupin: Aah, most infinitely wise and virtuous Harry- so good to know that what you fear the most is fear itself!
[Just then Snape comes in, handing Lupin a potion.]
Lupin: Aah, my potion! Thanks. Do I get a lava cookie with it, too?
Snape: I’m sorry, it appears we’ve crossed over into a different story.
Lupin: You know you make the best lava cookies!
Snape: Flattery will get you nowhere!
Lupin: Don’t make any volcanoes explode on the way out!
Snape: Wouldn’t dream of it! [Leaves]
Harry: Wow, why did Snape brew you a potion? Is he trying to poison you?
Lupin: No, I really do need this potion- trust me on this.
Harry: But why?
Lupin: All will be revealed in time....
[Later that day, Harry, Ron, and Hermione meet up to go down to the feast.]
Ron: Well, they have a joke shop... a sweets shop... a few pubs selling Butterbeer....
Hermione: And they have a huge Post Office, too.
Harry: Yeah, well, while all that was going on I ran into Lupin, and Snape gave him a potion.
Ron: Snape was trying to poison Lupin, I just know it!
Hermione: But that doesn’t even make sense- why would he do that in front of Harry? And why would Lupin agree to drink the potion?
Harry: Well, this is Snape we’re talking about- if Voldemort can’t be subtle about his evil neither can Snape.
[The ghosts also provide entertainment, including reenactments of their own deaths]
Nearly Headless Nick: Eat this, Monty Python!
[After the feast is over, the Gryffindors return to their door only to find that the Fat Lady is gone and her portrait is destroyed!]
Peeves: It’s Sirius Black who’s behind this- she wouldn’t let him in so he attacked.
Dumbledore: ORLY?[Life goes on at Hogwarts]
*The following conversation actually takes place after a discourse about the rules of Quidditch. Quite frankly, Rowling takes “Previously on Harry Potter” too far even at this stage (don’t know if or when she ever lets up). You would think that after a certain point she would just assume that everyone had read the first several books and knew what was going on, so she could plunge into the action.
Draco: Yes, but he’s very badly dressed. I have a hard time believing that’s coincidence.
[Unfortunately, Harry hates just about every other class with a passion.]
Harry: Snape is so meeeeeeean to us since that whole incident with the Boggart! And Trevolry is a stupid hack who keeps claiming I’m going to die- it’s only silly girly girls like Lavender and Parvati who like her anyway. And Care of Magical Creatures is so booooring now that we’re studying stupid Flobberworms instead of dangerous Hippogriffs!
[Soon enough, however, Quidditch season begins.]*
Wood: Sooo, yeah... herp derp we’re the best Quidditch team in the world, and I’m leaving this year so we’d better win, derp.... Oh, and Harry, you’ve won every single match since you signed up- good for you. But we’ve still never been able to win!
Fred: Don’t worry- this year will be different, I can tell!
[So practices go on as usual. One night, as Harry returns from practice...]
Ron: So, our first Hogsmeade trip is coming up around Halloween!
Harry: Speak for yourself- I can’t go.
Hermione: Yeah, well... there’s always next time.
Ron: Oh, fuck that, Harry- Black isn’t coming to Hogsmeade, you ought to at least ask McGonagall....
Harry: Nah, why do that? If I really want to go I’ll just sneak in under my Invisibility Cloak!
Ron: Point taken.... So, you wanna copy my star chart?
Hermione: Oh, for Pete’s sake- am I the only one who believes in academic honesty?!
Ron: Well, there is Percy, but nobody likes him....
Hermione: God dammit! It’s like there’s nobody in this school who’s a good student who isn’t a neurotic weirdo whom nobody likes! Or a Ravenclaw, but who cares about them anyway!
Harry: Anti-intellectualism is a beautiful thing.
[Suddenly, Crookshanks attacks the bag Scabbers is in]
Crookshanks: RAWR!
Ron: Oh, no, you don’t!
[The bag rips open and Scabbers runs away, Crookshanks following him.]
Ron: What in the hell does you cat have against my rat, anyway?!
Hermione: Well, cats do kinda chase rats, you know.
Ron: I believe you mean mice? And anyway, it’s not my fault you can’t keep your cat under control!
Hermione: You say that now, but I’ll bet I’ll end up validated in the end.
[So, the next day in Transfiguration...]
Lavender: Oh, woe is me! My baby rabbit died! And it’s the sixteenth of October!
Parvati: I feel your pain, Lavender. Let’s be simpering girly girls together!
Lavender: You know, I’ll bet this was what Professor Trelawney was talking about when she said something bad would happen on October 16! Aha!
Hermione: No, that can’t be. Do we even know if the rabbit died today? And you can’t have been dreading it all that much if you’re so surprised now....
Ron: Ah, Hermione, as cold-hearted and thoughtless as ever, I see?!
Lavender: Hey, you’re right. Maybe you should dump her and date me for awhile?
Ron: Eh, she’s not my girlfriend. Maybe in a couple books...?
McGonagall: Alright, so, yeah, if you still have your permission slips, get them to me before Halloween or I can’t send you to Hogsmeade.
Neville: Ah, I think I’ve lost mine.
McGonagall: Don’t worry, your memory is so poor that your grandmother sent yours to me personally.
Neville: Gee, thanks....
[At the end of class, Harry goes to appeal to Professor McGonagall.]
Harry: Listen, you think you could give me permission to go to Hogsmeade just this once?
McGonagall: No, I can’t give you permission- you need a permission slip signed by your parents or guardians.
Harry: But... but... my guardians are abusive! I still have scars from the time they stuck me on the...!
McGonagall: Spare me, please. I’m sorry, but that’s my final word.
Harry: You’re mean! *Cries*
[Later...]
Harry: Oh, woe is me! I can’t go to Hogsmeade! My life is coming apart at the seams!
Ron: Come on, it’s Halloween! You could always go to the feast like you did the first two years.
Harry: But... but... I’ll be less of a wizard if I miss out even once!
Percy: You know, it’s just a little town with a couple of shops and a Shrieking Shack. Nothing all that special really. Honestly, don’t you have anything else you could be doing?
Harry: But... but... why does everything have to be out of reach of poor, shameful, miserable Harry Potter?!
Percy: But you could always play solitary games or do homework or decorate the dorm for Halloween....
Harry: Go away, Percy! No one likes you!
Percy: Honestly, you’re as bad as my brothers!
[On Halloween, Harry sees his friends off at breakfast.]
Ron: Don’t worry, we’ll bring you sweets. That’ll cheer you up!
Harry: Allow me to nobly decline. I shall deny myself the delights of Hogsmeade so I look more heroically miserable.
Draco: So, Harry, I heard you’re not going to Hogsmeade. You must be scared of the Dementors!
Harry: I’m not going to Hogsmeade because my horrible abusive Muggle guardians won’t let me! You wanna know about the time they poisoned me several times in succession, taking me to a hospital after each one only to poison me again?!
Draco: Wow, you’ve got serious issues!
[After breakfast, Harry goes back to his room.]
Colin: Oh, hi Harry!
Harry: Great, my number one annoying fanboy returns!
Colin: Harry, you wanna come join me and my friends?!
Harry: Ah, no thank you, you creep me out. I’ll just be in the library.
[But on the way to the library, Harry runs into Filch.]
Filch: Oh, it’s you.
Harry: Oh, ah... hello, Mr. Norris!
Filch: My name’s Filch you moron! Now then, why aren’t you in Hogsmeade?
Harry: I... I was just heading to the library....
Filch: A likely story. I know your type- always sneaking around. Now get back to your room!
Harry: No! [Runs up to the Owlery]
Lupin: Oh Harry! It’s you! What a coincidence- I was just looking for you!
Harry: Great, great! So... what do you want with me?
Lupin: Oh, just something I want to speak to you about in private. Come with me.
[Harry goes to Lupin’s office, which has a Grindylow in it.]
Harry: You know, I just thought of something. I already take Care of Magical Creatures- why is it that you’ve shown us so many magical animals in class?
Lupin: Ah... frankly, I’ve never been able to figure that out myself. But, anyway, it’s about the Boggart. I didn’t want you to face the boggart because I thought it would turn into Volfemort. We can’t have that, can we?
Harry: Well, no. But, then I remembered the Dementors and so I thought....
Lupin: Aah, most infinitely wise and virtuous Harry- so good to know that what you fear the most is fear itself!
[Just then Snape comes in, handing Lupin a potion.]
Lupin: Aah, my potion! Thanks. Do I get a lava cookie with it, too?
Snape: I’m sorry, it appears we’ve crossed over into a different story.
Lupin: You know you make the best lava cookies!
Snape: Flattery will get you nowhere!
Lupin: Don’t make any volcanoes explode on the way out!
Snape: Wouldn’t dream of it! [Leaves]
Harry: Wow, why did Snape brew you a potion? Is he trying to poison you?
Lupin: No, I really do need this potion- trust me on this.
Harry: But why?
Lupin: All will be revealed in time....
[Later that day, Harry, Ron, and Hermione meet up to go down to the feast.]
Ron: Well, they have a joke shop... a sweets shop... a few pubs selling Butterbeer....
Hermione: And they have a huge Post Office, too.
Harry: Yeah, well, while all that was going on I ran into Lupin, and Snape gave him a potion.
Ron: Snape was trying to poison Lupin, I just know it!
Hermione: But that doesn’t even make sense- why would he do that in front of Harry? And why would Lupin agree to drink the potion?
Harry: Well, this is Snape we’re talking about- if Voldemort can’t be subtle about his evil neither can Snape.
[The ghosts also provide entertainment, including reenactments of their own deaths]
Nearly Headless Nick: Eat this, Monty Python!
[After the feast is over, the Gryffindors return to their door only to find that the Fat Lady is gone and her portrait is destroyed!]
Peeves: It’s Sirius Black who’s behind this- she wouldn’t let him in so he attacked.
Dumbledore: ORLY?[Life goes on at Hogwarts]
*The following conversation actually takes place after a discourse about the rules of Quidditch. Quite frankly, Rowling takes “Previously on Harry Potter” too far even at this stage (don’t know if or when she ever lets up). You would think that after a certain point she would just assume that everyone had read the first several books and knew what was going on, so she could plunge into the action.
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