Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 9
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deathtocapslockDumbledore: Well, since you kids obviously can’t get into the dorm you’ll have to sleep in the Great Hall. Better get the other students too, so we can search the castle.
[The students all go to sleep in the sleeping bags Dumbledore provides.]
Harry: The big question is, how did Black get in?
Ravenclaw: Could he have Apparated?
Hufflepuff: Could he have disguised himself as something else?
Dean: Could he have hijacked a submarine and snuck in under the moat?
Hermione: Ah... you are all forgetting that there are enchantments specifically designed to prevent this sort of thing. Not to mention the Dementors.... It just doesn’t make any sense.
Percy: Alright, kiddies, since I’m the Head Boy and a Gryffindor I call the shots in here. I say, we turn the lights off now- so you’d best be quiet. [to self] Incidentally you’d think that since I have such an important position I should be getting bigger parts. If only Lawful really was good....
[He turns the lights off.]
[In due time, the teachers reconvene with Dumbledore.]
Snape: Professor, I really don’t see how Black could have gotten in without outside help....
Dumbledore: Severus, Severus, Severus, you’re too quiet! You’d best talk really, really loudly so Harry Potter can hear you!
Snape: Okay, whatever you say.... I THINK LOOPIN IS BEHIND THIS!!!!
Dumbledore: But why, just why, would Lupin do such a thing?! No, I have my doubts! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get the Dementors and tell them we’re finished searching and they can go home!
Percy: Ah, allow me to sound dangerously ignorant by asking why the Dementors didn’t help with the search?
Dumbledore: You want them to suck the souls out of all the little children in the castle?!
Percy: N-no! Sorry I asked!
[After that incident, business resumes as usual, with the main difference that people now talk about Sirius Black nonstop.]
Hannah Abbot: I think he can turn into a giant shark!
Harry: Eh, you may be nearer right than you think....
[The Gryffindors now have to answer to Sir Cadogan to enter their tower.]
Sir Cadogan: Why does nobody get my passwords? I make them easy- words like Chekhov, Cervantes, Shakespeare, Romance, Fanservice, Jabootu....
Seamus: He keeps stumping us with stupid Muggle turns of phrase....
Percy: But he was the only one for the job....
[Even though Harry is a known target, he is still allowed to play Quidditch.]
McGonagall: Well, at least we’ll win the match. Everyone knows that’s what really matters, right?
Wood: Alright, we’re not playing Slytherin this time- there’s been a change of plans. Instead, we play Hufflepuff!
Team: So why aren’t we playing Slytherin?
Wood: Well, they say the Seeker injured his arm.... I got no idea what that’s all about....
Harry: Oh, it’s just that stupid little slimeball Malfoy who’s pretending to have an injury because he’s a coward....
Wood: Yes, but, there’s no way we can get enough proof to make a case. So, we’re going to change tactics to play Hufflepuff now! Now as I’m sure you all know, their Seeker is a star.
Angelina: I heard he spends his off hours moonlighting in crappy-ass Vampire movies.
Fred: Regardless, this is Hufflepuff we’re talking about right? Since when are they ever good at anything? They’re as Red Shirt-ish on the Quidditch pitch as they are in a battle.
Wood: Yeah, whatever. We’ve still got to win, or I’ll flog you all to within an inch of your life!
Fred: He’s not kidding....
[Anyway, the week of the Quidditch match it rains hard.]
Draco: You know, we could easily win in this weather, what with us being the water house and all....
Harry: Oh, shut up....
[One day Harry enters Defense Against the Dark Arts to find Snape teaching!]
Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! He’s gonna kill me!!!!
Snape: As melodramatic as ever, I see. Listen, just take your seat.
Harry: Where is Lupin?! What have you done to Lupin?! You poisoned him, didn’t you?!
Snape: I did not! Will you stop jumping to conclusions?!
Harry: *Sigh* I can’t win.... [Sits down.]
Snape: Actually, it’s me who can’t win. But I digress! So, Lupin hasn’t bothered to tell me what you were teaching in class....
Hermione: Well, we did magical creatures like Boggarts, Red Caps, and Grindylows.
Snape: Oh, come on, that’s first-year stuff.
Dean: BOOOOOOOOOO! How dare you bad-mouth Lupin?!
Snape: Oh, for the love of Lava Cookies! Will you shut up and let me teach?! So... today we study werewolves. Remember that- it’s important.
Hermione: But we’re not SUPPOSED to do that yet- we’re supposed to study something else....
Snape: Excuse me, but who is the teacher here?! Now, please turn to... PAGE THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FOUR!!!
Students: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Hermione: Not the dreaded... Page three hundred and ninety-four!
Snape: Yes, the dreaded PAGE THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FOUR!
[So the students open their books.]
Snape: Alright, took you long enough. So, how can you tell the difference between a werewolf and a true wolf?
Students: Ah....
Parvati: YOU’RE MEAN! Why can’t you see that we haven’t covered that yet?!
Snape: Well, you should have! This is Dumbledore’s fault- I’ll have to have a word with him that Loopin is an incompetent teacher....
Hermione: But... but... he’s not! Look, I can tell you everything!
Snape: There you go again, being a know-it-all whom nobody likes. You know, you can’t save the entire class on your own.
Hermione: YOU ARE MEAN! *Cries*
Gryffindors: GET OUT OF THE ROOM, MEANIE! WE WANT LUPIN! WE WANT LUPIN!
Snape: *Facepalm* Ugh, why couldn’t I have taken a less stressful job? Like chasing a legendary continent-shifter and commanding hoardes of eco-terrorists from the base of a volcano?
Ron: Great, you insult us for not knowing and then you insult the one person who does know?! You have no right to ask us questions!
Snape: That’s it! You’re getting a detention!
[For the rest of the class, Snape grades their work with Lupin while they take notes on werewolves.]
Snape: By the way, for some reason I think Kappas are from Mongolia. Maybe I really shouldn’t be teaching this class?
[Eventually the class ends.]
Snape: Oh, yeah, I want an essay about recognizing werewolves by Monday, and Ron, stay with me so I can give you a detention.
[As they leave class, Harry and Hermione discuss Snape.]
Harry: I just don’t get it, Snape’s never been this way about the other Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers. He must have something against Lupin personally. But what?
Hermione: Your guess is as good as mine.
Harry: Eh, probably he’s just got it in for Lupin because he can’t stand the thought of a teacher I actually like.
[Ron catches up a little while later.]
Ron: Oh, woe is me! Snape is making me clean without magic! Why can’t I have been given a dangerous detention-like going into the Forbidden Forest where there are Dementors?! Gee, I wish Black could have broken into Snape’s office and killed him!
[The next day, Harry wakes up early for the Quidditch match.]
Harry: Remind me why any of this is actually fun?
Crookshanks: Search for Scabbers... search for Scabbers....
Harry: Oh, it’s you. Listen, get out of here and go find some mice to catch. [Drags Crookshanks outside.]
[Harry then goes out to play.]
Harry: Oh, crap! It’s so rainy I can barely see in front of my nose! And my glasses keep fogging up....
Hermione: Not to worry! [She puts a spell on Harry’s glasses to keep the rain off.]
Harry: Thank you, my future servant! [Rides up into the sky.]
[Just as Harry is flying after the Snitch...]
Harry: Hey, there’s a black dog down there.... Oh, no! Dementors!
Dementor: We have you now, my pretty!
Dementor: I CAN HAZ SOULZ
Harry: AAAAAH! *Faints*
[He later wakes up in the Hospital Wing.]
Fred: Oh, by the way, we lost the game!
Harry: Oh, no! We actually lost a match that I was playing in! Oh, well, I’m sure I would have won if only it hadn’t been for those evil Dementors....
[Ron and Hermione visit later.]
Harry: Hello! So... where’s my broom?
Hermione: Well, it kinda hit the Whomping Willow, which bashed it into splinters....
Harry: Oh, no! That’s no good! If only there was a better, faster broom that I could get to replace it with!
[The students all go to sleep in the sleeping bags Dumbledore provides.]
Harry: The big question is, how did Black get in?
Ravenclaw: Could he have Apparated?
Hufflepuff: Could he have disguised himself as something else?
Dean: Could he have hijacked a submarine and snuck in under the moat?
Hermione: Ah... you are all forgetting that there are enchantments specifically designed to prevent this sort of thing. Not to mention the Dementors.... It just doesn’t make any sense.
Percy: Alright, kiddies, since I’m the Head Boy and a Gryffindor I call the shots in here. I say, we turn the lights off now- so you’d best be quiet. [to self] Incidentally you’d think that since I have such an important position I should be getting bigger parts. If only Lawful really was good....
[He turns the lights off.]
[In due time, the teachers reconvene with Dumbledore.]
Snape: Professor, I really don’t see how Black could have gotten in without outside help....
Dumbledore: Severus, Severus, Severus, you’re too quiet! You’d best talk really, really loudly so Harry Potter can hear you!
Snape: Okay, whatever you say.... I THINK LOOPIN IS BEHIND THIS!!!!
Dumbledore: But why, just why, would Lupin do such a thing?! No, I have my doubts! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get the Dementors and tell them we’re finished searching and they can go home!
Percy: Ah, allow me to sound dangerously ignorant by asking why the Dementors didn’t help with the search?
Dumbledore: You want them to suck the souls out of all the little children in the castle?!
Percy: N-no! Sorry I asked!
[After that incident, business resumes as usual, with the main difference that people now talk about Sirius Black nonstop.]
Hannah Abbot: I think he can turn into a giant shark!
Harry: Eh, you may be nearer right than you think....
[The Gryffindors now have to answer to Sir Cadogan to enter their tower.]
Sir Cadogan: Why does nobody get my passwords? I make them easy- words like Chekhov, Cervantes, Shakespeare, Romance, Fanservice, Jabootu....
Seamus: He keeps stumping us with stupid Muggle turns of phrase....
Percy: But he was the only one for the job....
[Even though Harry is a known target, he is still allowed to play Quidditch.]
McGonagall: Well, at least we’ll win the match. Everyone knows that’s what really matters, right?
Wood: Alright, we’re not playing Slytherin this time- there’s been a change of plans. Instead, we play Hufflepuff!
Team: So why aren’t we playing Slytherin?
Wood: Well, they say the Seeker injured his arm.... I got no idea what that’s all about....
Harry: Oh, it’s just that stupid little slimeball Malfoy who’s pretending to have an injury because he’s a coward....
Wood: Yes, but, there’s no way we can get enough proof to make a case. So, we’re going to change tactics to play Hufflepuff now! Now as I’m sure you all know, their Seeker is a star.
Angelina: I heard he spends his off hours moonlighting in crappy-ass Vampire movies.
Fred: Regardless, this is Hufflepuff we’re talking about right? Since when are they ever good at anything? They’re as Red Shirt-ish on the Quidditch pitch as they are in a battle.
Wood: Yeah, whatever. We’ve still got to win, or I’ll flog you all to within an inch of your life!
Fred: He’s not kidding....
[Anyway, the week of the Quidditch match it rains hard.]
Draco: You know, we could easily win in this weather, what with us being the water house and all....
Harry: Oh, shut up....
[One day Harry enters Defense Against the Dark Arts to find Snape teaching!]
Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! He’s gonna kill me!!!!
Snape: As melodramatic as ever, I see. Listen, just take your seat.
Harry: Where is Lupin?! What have you done to Lupin?! You poisoned him, didn’t you?!
Snape: I did not! Will you stop jumping to conclusions?!
Harry: *Sigh* I can’t win.... [Sits down.]
Snape: Actually, it’s me who can’t win. But I digress! So, Lupin hasn’t bothered to tell me what you were teaching in class....
Hermione: Well, we did magical creatures like Boggarts, Red Caps, and Grindylows.
Snape: Oh, come on, that’s first-year stuff.
Dean: BOOOOOOOOOO! How dare you bad-mouth Lupin?!
Snape: Oh, for the love of Lava Cookies! Will you shut up and let me teach?! So... today we study werewolves. Remember that- it’s important.
Hermione: But we’re not SUPPOSED to do that yet- we’re supposed to study something else....
Snape: Excuse me, but who is the teacher here?! Now, please turn to... PAGE THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FOUR!!!
Students: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Hermione: Not the dreaded... Page three hundred and ninety-four!
Snape: Yes, the dreaded PAGE THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FOUR!
[So the students open their books.]
Snape: Alright, took you long enough. So, how can you tell the difference between a werewolf and a true wolf?
Students: Ah....
Parvati: YOU’RE MEAN! Why can’t you see that we haven’t covered that yet?!
Snape: Well, you should have! This is Dumbledore’s fault- I’ll have to have a word with him that Loopin is an incompetent teacher....
Hermione: But... but... he’s not! Look, I can tell you everything!
Snape: There you go again, being a know-it-all whom nobody likes. You know, you can’t save the entire class on your own.
Hermione: YOU ARE MEAN! *Cries*
Gryffindors: GET OUT OF THE ROOM, MEANIE! WE WANT LUPIN! WE WANT LUPIN!
Snape: *Facepalm* Ugh, why couldn’t I have taken a less stressful job? Like chasing a legendary continent-shifter and commanding hoardes of eco-terrorists from the base of a volcano?
Ron: Great, you insult us for not knowing and then you insult the one person who does know?! You have no right to ask us questions!
Snape: That’s it! You’re getting a detention!
[For the rest of the class, Snape grades their work with Lupin while they take notes on werewolves.]
Snape: By the way, for some reason I think Kappas are from Mongolia. Maybe I really shouldn’t be teaching this class?
[Eventually the class ends.]
Snape: Oh, yeah, I want an essay about recognizing werewolves by Monday, and Ron, stay with me so I can give you a detention.
[As they leave class, Harry and Hermione discuss Snape.]
Harry: I just don’t get it, Snape’s never been this way about the other Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers. He must have something against Lupin personally. But what?
Hermione: Your guess is as good as mine.
Harry: Eh, probably he’s just got it in for Lupin because he can’t stand the thought of a teacher I actually like.
[Ron catches up a little while later.]
Ron: Oh, woe is me! Snape is making me clean without magic! Why can’t I have been given a dangerous detention-like going into the Forbidden Forest where there are Dementors?! Gee, I wish Black could have broken into Snape’s office and killed him!
[The next day, Harry wakes up early for the Quidditch match.]
Harry: Remind me why any of this is actually fun?
Crookshanks: Search for Scabbers... search for Scabbers....
Harry: Oh, it’s you. Listen, get out of here and go find some mice to catch. [Drags Crookshanks outside.]
[Harry then goes out to play.]
Harry: Oh, crap! It’s so rainy I can barely see in front of my nose! And my glasses keep fogging up....
Hermione: Not to worry! [She puts a spell on Harry’s glasses to keep the rain off.]
Harry: Thank you, my future servant! [Rides up into the sky.]
[Just as Harry is flying after the Snitch...]
Harry: Hey, there’s a black dog down there.... Oh, no! Dementors!
Dementor: We have you now, my pretty!
Dementor: I CAN HAZ SOULZ
Harry: AAAAAH! *Faints*
[He later wakes up in the Hospital Wing.]
Fred: Oh, by the way, we lost the game!
Harry: Oh, no! We actually lost a match that I was playing in! Oh, well, I’m sure I would have won if only it hadn’t been for those evil Dementors....
[Ron and Hermione visit later.]
Harry: Hello! So... where’s my broom?
Hermione: Well, it kinda hit the Whomping Willow, which bashed it into splinters....
Harry: Oh, no! That’s no good! If only there was a better, faster broom that I could get to replace it with!
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