Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 11

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Harry returns to Hogwarts.]

Harry: Enter angst mode! Oh, I cannot for the life of me believe that my parents’ best friend betrayed them to their death, the heartless bastard! [He takes out a picture of his parents’ wedding.] Wow, everyone sure does look happy. That must be Sirius Black standing beside the man and woman who look like me. Wow, Sirius still does look hot in this picture. I guess he just went ugly in Azkaban to show his true evilness. Kinda like Voldemort! After all, it’s not like the Dementors could do that to him- since they can’t make him faint like me since he obviously hasn’t suffered as much as I have, he must be totally fine around them! It’s not fair! Oh, and by the way, that Peter Pettigrew person is a lot like Navel. I hope Navel doesn’t get killed. Because I’m just compassionate like that, you know?!

[The next day he goes down to breakfast to speak to Ron and Hermione.]

Hermione: Look, Harry, we know that conversation we overheard from the teachers upset you, but do the smart thing and don’t go looking for Black, okay?

Harry: Amazing reverse psychology you’ve got, you know.

Ron: That’s not the point.

Harry: It’s not my fault that every time a Dementor strikes I have to relive the memory of my parents dying horribly, and faint! And even if Black does go to Azkaban it won’t do any good because the Dementors don’t affect him. Unlike me. So, basically, I have to go looking for him.

Ron: You want to kill Black yourself?

Harry: Maybe, maybe not. I guess it’d be good practice for later, sort of…. Anyway, Malfoy said if I was a true Gryffindor, I would chase after him.

Ron: And thus begins the long tradition of your obsessing over Malfoy when you could be listening to your friends.

Hermione: Realistically, Harry, going looking for Black will probably play into his hands.

Ron: Maybe it’d cheer you up if we went to Hagrid’s hut?

Harry: Yeah, that sounds like a great idea! I can ask him how come he never told me about Sirius Black!

Ron: Here we go again…. Maybe we should just stay inside and play some good wholesome games?

Harry: As a true Gryffindor, I have to refuse and go visit Hagrid.

[So they go visit Hagrid.]

Hagrid: Hey, I’ve got wonderful news! The Ministry of Magic doesn’t think I should be held responsible for Buckbeak’s little problem!

Ron: Well, that’s good….

Hagrid: Regrettably, they want Buckbeak to stand trial, and if he’s found guilty he’ll be put down.

Ron: That’s a problem, but hey, if we’re on your side I’m sure he’ll be fine!

Hagrid: It’s just so stupid- I don’t know why they hate giant powerful creatures that cause neurological damage to little boys they attack!

Hermione: Especially since given what you usually bring in, Buckbeak really isn’t all that bad by comparison!

Hagrid: Oh, by the way, just in case you ever had any thoughts that just maybe they have a point about how dangerous Buckbeak is, the only reason why they want to put him down is because Lucius Malfoy is controlling them!

Harry: That bastard! Maybe Dumbledore can pull something out of his ass to help you?

Hagrid: No, Dumbledore’s too busy and not omnipotent. Oh, wait….

Hermione: You know, I’m sure people have let Hippogriffs off in past cases. I’ll look them up.

Hagrid: That’s very good of you. It’s such a shame no one likes my classes. I can’t imagine why- I just killed off all the Flobberworms!

Ron: Well, that’s a relief, anyway….

Hagrid: Incidentally, those Dementors really are a piece of work, no? I still have to travel past them sometimes, and it reminds me of Azkaban. I suffered while I was in there, not that any of you care.

Hermione: Surely the Dementors realized you were innocent?

Hagrid: You must understand that Dementors are creatures of pure evil and will torture the innocent just as readily as the deserving.

[After the talk, Harry, Ron, and Hermione look for ways to help Hagrid.]

Harry: This means I can’t brood about Sirius anymore, but whatever….

[Then Christmas comes.]

Ron: So, I got a bunch of maroon articles of clothing. What about you?

Harry: I got bright-red clothes and candy. From your mother.

Ron: I never would’ve guessed….

Harry: Ooh, look! It’s a Firebolt!

Ron: No way!

Harry: Wow, I just received the coolest and rarest broom in the entire world! I’m so glad my old broom got smashed to pieces so I could get this more-awesome one! It’s good to be me!

Ron: But who did it come from?

Harry: Ah… I don’t know! It doesn’t say anywhere!

Ron: Hey, maybe it was Dumbledore!

Harry: But that doesn’t make much sense. He can’t just go buying his students random stuff, especially not if it’s so expensive.

Ron: That would be logical. But logic is not particularly Dumbledore’s strong suit. Nor is it ours. Maybe he just said that so Malfoy doesn’t think it was favoritism.

Harry: Like Malfoy would be surprised if it was.

Ron: Maybe it was Lupin!

Harry: You really think he has that kind of money?

Ron: Anything’s possible.

[Just then Hermione enters.]

Hermione: Wow, that’s quite a broom. Harry, who sent it to you?

Harry: I don’t know.

Hermione: Alright, first of all, if someone sends you anonymous magical gifts that’s bad. Honestly, how long have you had to figure this out?

Crookshanks: RAWR!! [Jumps on Ron.]

Ron: Hermione, will you get that thing out of here?!

Harry: That’s odd- my Sneakoscope’s going off. And Scabbers, he looks even worse than he did last time. This is bad.

Ron: Well… maybe this doesn’t actually mean he’s about to die after all. Hey, you never know!

[When the Trio goes to lunch, all the teachers are there.]

Dumbledore: Hey, Snapey want a cracker?

Snape: Oh, fine. You’ll just harangue me until I open it anyway…. [He opens it to reveal a witches’ hat with a stuffed vulture on it.] Gee, thanks….

Trelawney: Hello, I was compelled by my Divination powers to join you. So, where is Lupin?

Dumbledore: He’s sick.

McGonagall: Aha! I knew you weren’t a real Seer! If you were a real Seer you would have known already that he was ill!

Trelawney: Ah, well… I can’t just go making predictions left, right, and center; if I did that people would be uncomfortable!

McGonagall: You kind of do, only they’re usually wrong.

Trelawney: Hmph! I’ll show you! Professor Lupin will not be with us for much longer!

Dumbledore: We shall see. But he doesn’t appear to be in bad health, does he. Oh, hello random First-Year. Please, allow me to look generous by offering you food! [He offers a First-Year boy random food.]

[Later, McGonagall comes to confiscate Harry’s broom.]

Harry: But why?! You're so meeeeeeeeean!!!

McGonagall: It must be checked for jinxes. I promise you we’ll give it back when we’re done, rest assured.

Harry: But it’s my broom! *Cries*

Ron: Hermione, this was all your idea, wasn’t it.

Hermione: Gee, you think?! Apparently I’m the only one with any idea that Sirius Black might have sent that to Harry to trap him!

Comments

[danajsparks.livejournal.com]

Harry is such a spoiled brat.

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

/Trelawney: Hmph! I’ll show you! Professor Lupin will not be with us for much longer!

Dumbledore: We shall see. But he doesn’t appear to be in bad health, does he.
--

And it's not like there is a curse on the Defense position that guarantees he will be gone at the end of the year.

Poor Trelawney!

[condwiramurs.livejournal.com]

Hey, Snapey want a cracker?

ROFL I need to quote that everywhere. >D