deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 22

[Harry and Hermione run back to the Hospital Wing at once, so they won’t get in trouble for being out of bed. Shortly after Dumbledore lets them back in, Snape appears with Fudge.]

Snape: I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY LET A MAN WHOM WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO THINK IS A CONVICTED CRIMINAL ESCAPE! NO DOUBT HARRY POTTER THE GARY STU ORCHESTRATED THIS!!!

Madame Pomfrey: Oh, please- it’s bad enough with Harry capslocking all over the place- I don’t need it from you too!*

Dumbledore: Not to mention, Harry and Hermione were safe in bed the entire time, right Madame Pomfrey?

Madame Pomfrey: Yes, I can attest to that.

Dumbledore: See? I don’t know how you expect them to be in two places at once.

Snape: BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT’S NOT LIKE “IT’S MAGIC” IS A PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING ELSE, EH?!

Dumbledore: Whatever, I’m right, you’re wrong, so GTFO.

[Snape leaves, muttering darkly.]

Fudge: Oh, woe is me. I shall surely be disgraced for doing this. But, I will remove the Dementors from the school, since even I am astounded that they nearly sucked out the soul of an innocent boy.

[Dumbledore and Fudge then leave, and Ron wakes up soon afterward.]

[The next day, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are hanging out when Hagrid shows up.]

Hagrid: You know, although I have no idea how it happened, Buckbeak is now safe! I’m happy! But, anyway, Lupin’s going to resign because Snape outed him as a Werewolf to the Slytherins.

Harry: That bastard! I’ll go have a word with Lupin straightaway!

Ron: I don’t know if that’s going to do much good.

Harry: Hey, it’s worth a shot!

[He goes to see Lupin.]

Harry: So I heard Snape forced your resignation. Is that true? Please tell me it isn’t true!

Lupin: Alas and alack, it is. Dumbledore, of course, managed to convince Fudge that I wasn’t in league with Sirius, but Snape was so angry that Sirius hadn’t been punished that he let slip that I was a Werewolf. Can you believe the nerve of him? I mean it’s not like I put anyone in danger!

Harry: Amen to that. Snape is so mean and spiteful. No doubt this had entirely to do with spiting you and removing a good teacher and had nothing to do with safety anyway.

Lupin: Just remember, I’m popular enough to be a major character so you’ll see me again regardless. You’re so much like your father- I’m so proud of you.

[Just then, Dumbledore comes in.]

Dumbledore: Lupin, it’s time for you to get going.

Lupin: Aye aye, o mighty Dumbledore. [He leaves.]

Dumbledore: So, Harry, you did a good deed last night.

Harry: Oh, what does it matter if Peter got away?!

Dumbledore: Allow me to be a genuine moral guide once and say that if you hadn’t done what you did Sirius might have had to suffer for a crime that he did not commit. Enjoy this moment of thinking that heroics involves something other than either dying or killing your enemies while you can.

Harry: Well, anyway, I remember Professor Trelawney acting very strange and saying that the servant of Voldemort was coming.

Dumbledore: Well, what do you know? She actually made a real prediction! She’s only done that once before, hint hint.

Harry: Why do you offer her to us as our teacher, if she can’t even make predictions?

Dumbledore: Only so that you can make fun of her with no guilt attached, I promise.

Harry: But, anyway, does that mean I’m to blame for allowing him to return to Voldemort?

Dumbledore: Harry, you are never to blame for anything. He was going to return sooner or later for the sake of the plot- and in Peter’s case, you may one day be glad that you saved his life because now he owes you a life debt.

Harry: Not this shit again.

Dumbledore: What? Life debts- important plot devices that allow you to be rewarded for doing something not unreasonably violent simply because you’re the hero. Oh, by the way, I know all about your Patronus, and will leave you with the notion that your dead parents will never truly leave you, but will return to you so often that by the time the series is over you’ll be begging them to shove off and leave you alone.

[And with that, Dumbledore leaves Harry to himself.]

[Gryffindor wins the House Championship for the third year in a row.]

Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs: Great, now we have to cheer for them again just because the hero’s in it.

Professor Sprout: And my house is still in last place.

[On the train home, Harry finds himself in possession of a cute little owl, carrying a letter from Sirius.]

Harry: It says here that Sirius sent me that Firebolt! Wow, Hermione! You were right all along about that- but still not about needing it to be checked for jinxes. Oh, and Ron, you can keep the owl, since Sirius blames himself for your no longer having a rat.

Ron: Wow, I get a cool pet now! It’s a shame my owl’s still smaller and weaker than anyone else’s, though.

[And with that, everyone heads home for the holidays.]

END OF BOOK 3

*I can’t believe how much capslock there is in this book alone! Seriously, that is an AMATEUR FANFIC mistake!