Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 4

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Harry: Yippee! I’m going to stay at a friend’s house! I’m going to stay at a friend’s house!

[The Dursleys, as is to be expected, are very worried about having to greet Harry’s wizard friends.]

Vernon: This is because we’re utterly terrified of magic, but because I need to sound like a small-minded douche, I’m going to insist it’s just because they don’t dress properly.

Dudley: Never mind the fact that I was attacked the last time I was greeted by a wizard.

[Harry starts to get very worried when the Weasleys arrive late. However, in due time, they appear behind the fireplace.]

Mr. Weasley: Hello, I hope you don’t mind that we just set up a  magical portal to your home without your knowledge or consent!

Dursleys: OMGWTF?!

Harry: Oh, they tried to get here by Floo Powder. They do that.

Mr. Weasley: You know, since these people are just stinking Muggles, rather than wait for dear Harry Potter to rescue us I think I’ll just blow a hole in this fireplace to get ourselves out! [Mr. Weasley does so, and the Weasleys all tumble into the room.]

Petunia: You are aware you just damaged our property, right? I’ll sue you!

Mr. Weasley: Gee, I’m sorry! I’ll fix it by magic before I leave.

Petunia: *Facepalm*

Mr. Weasley: So, how does all this fancy equipment run, anyway?

Vernon: On electricity, of course!

Mr. Weasley: What is this fancy Muggle word? How do I say it?

Petunia: Are you trying to look like a complete moron?

Mr. Weasley: Correction: I am a complete moron!

[Dudley comes into the room to investigate.]

Mr. Weasley: Oh, hello there. You must be Dudley. Allow me to speak kindly to you for your own good, you poor simple child.

[Just then, Fred and George come in with Harry’s things. Fred lets something slip out of his pocket.]

Dudley: Wow, you have candy?! Allow me to demonstrate my borderline-mental disability by eating strange food from dangerous people! [Takes candy] OM NOM NOM!

[Just then, Dudley’s tongue becomes giant and begins choking him.]

Harry: Yippee! My starving, moronic evil cousin is being tormented by magic!*

Vernon: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SON YOU MONSTERS?!

Mr. Weasley: …Hey, you’re not even supposed to be speaking Capslock here. That’s a waste of a valuable resource.

Petunia: Just do something already!

Mr. Weasley: Alright fine. [He fixes Dudley’s tongue before leaving with Harry.]

Dudley: Magical people are fucking assholes!

*This was in the book. Is it me or does Harry seem kind-of sadistic? I mean, I get that Dudley’s abused him for years, but I’m pretty sure a hero in a children’s storybook shouldn’t think anyone’s almost choking to death is fun.