deathtocapslock | HP Abridged! GOF Chapter 6 (Reply)

[The next morning, the entire Weasley clan (and Harry and Hermione!) gets up early to head out. Downstairs, Harry notices that Mr. Weasley is wearing Muggle clothing.]

Mr. Weasley: So, Harry--do I look like a Muggle to you?

Harry: Ah, sure you do! After all, you look no worse than one!

George: Oh, by the way, Bill and Charlie and Percy must have Apparated! Pay attention to that, it’s a plot device that is really difficult, except not, except it is if you’re Harry. Or something.

Mrs. Weasley: And it may or may not be something all Wizards can do, with or without a license.

George: Which totally explains why Percy, who’s just been licensed, has been Apparating around the house just to show he can.

Fred: Isn’t magic just so delightfully confusing and inconsistent?!

[Before the group leaves, Mrs. Weasley finds more Ton-Tongue Toffees in Fred and George’s pockets, and confiscates them.]

Mrs. Weasley: Don’t you go using those on anyone Harry likes!

[So Harry, along with Mr. Weasley, Hermione, and all the Weasley kids who can’t Apparate, sets out for the Quidditch World Cup.]

Harry: So, pray tell, Mr. Weasley--just how on Earth are we going to get to this Quidditch World Cup?

Mr. Weasley: We’re going to use a handy-dandy device called a Portkey. Portkeys can get people anywhere and back once. Oh, and did I mention that a Portkey can look like anything, as long as it’s not likely that anyone other than the user will pick it up?

Harry: Golly! Something so versatile is bound to be a plot point at least once!

[The group climbs a hill to reach the Portkey, where they run into one Amos Diggory!]

Amos: So, my name is Amos Diggory, and my son, in case you’ve forgotten, is Cedric Diggory, the one accomplished Hufflepuff in the entire series!

Cedric: Like, hello, ladies;D [Strikes a sexy pose]

Harry: Wow...he’s beautiful! @-@

PREVIOUSLY ON HARRY POTTER:

[Cedric Diggory was an accomplished Quidditch player.]

Hufflepuffs: Finally, someone to be proud of!

[Unfortunately, he happened to play against Harry!]

Harry: Victory is mine!!

[However, owing to a stroke of ~~good~~ ~~bad~~ ~~good~~ Demented luck, Harry was thrown off his broom halfway through the match.]

Harry: Damn you Dementors! If it weren’t for you that victory would have been miiiiiiiiiineeeeee!

[Cedric was made a celebrity!]

Cedric: It’s good to get some limelight once in awhile.

[But... he failed to win the Quidditch World Cup. And now, the Gryffindors... plot... their... REVENGE! *lightning flash/thunder clap*]

Harry: Youuuuu’ll pay for thiiis, Cedric Diggory!

Cedric: Buuuut, back to the story!

Amos: So, Arthur, since I am an ignoramus in true Wizarding tradition, are all those kids yours?

Arthur: No, only the ones with red hair.

Amos: Durrhurr....

Harry: And I’m Harry Potter!

Amos: Crap, should’ve seen that one coming! So good to get to know you, Harry. Ced, weren’t you the only person who’s ever beaten Harry Potter in Quidditch?

Cedric: That I am, though I take no pride in the fact. He fell off his broom, see.

Amos: Well, to all intents and purposes it looks like you still had the upper hand.

Cedric: Father, what are you saying!? You know what happens to people who dislike or sneer at Harry Potter!

Harry: [Creepy and dark] Amos Diggory is a bad man! He’s a REALLY bad man!

Everyone else: [Facefault in terror] AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Arthur: Soooo, are you expecting anyone else here?

Amos: Nope!

Arthur: Let’s go!

Amos: Let’s go!

[They grab a Portkey which turns out to be a discarded boot, and hop on over to the Quidditch World Cup stadium!]