deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 8 (Reply)

[That night everyone enters the specially-made stadium to watch the Quidditch World Cup!]

Mr. Weasley: I’m so glad we kept those pesky Muggles away with magic that convinces them they have important meetings anytime they get close! Oh, did I mention we get the best seats in the house because I’m just that awesome?

[They go up to their seats at the very top of the stadium.]

Harry: Wow, this is so much more glorious than a boring Muggle world cup! Not like I know what one of those is like since I don’t care about anything that’s not magical but whatever!

[As Harry is looking around he spots a strange House Elf]

Harry: Dobby, is that you?

Winky: My name is Winky, thanks, and I’m a girl. Did you know that Dobby is a disgrace to his species because he wants to get paid for his work rather than just being a virtuous slave like the rest of us? Oh, our desires are so conflicting!

Harry: Well, he should be allowed to do what he wants as well, don’t you think? By the way, what are you doing up here?

Winky: I’m saving my master Crouch a seat. Not that I want to of course, since I’m scared of heights, but this is all okay because I’m saving a seat for my master and doing what I am told. So yay!

[Harry gets bored with talking to Winky and decides to use his binoculars.]

Harry: Wow, with this instant-replay feature I can make a random dude pick his nose as much as I want!*

Hermione: And... how old are you supposed to be again? Anyway, it looks like the teams are going to display mascots from their exotic lands.

[But before that happens, everyone else files in, including Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge and the Minister of Magic from Bulgaria.]

Fudge: Allow me to insult the Bulgarians in front of their Minister because I have no earthly reason to believe he can understand English. Nope, not a single reason! After all, it’s not like his language is obscure enough outside of his own country that he must know at least one or two other languages just to participate on an international stage!

Bulgarian Minister of Magic: *Facepalm*

[In fact, Lucius Malfoy comes in too, with his family.]

Harry: I noticed that Draco’s mother is actually rather pretty. This must mean she isn’t as pure evil as the others.**

Lucius: Arthur, you must have had to sell your whole farm to afford those tickets because you are a poor noob.

Mr. Weasley: Aah, but you must have bribed your way into those seats, which is completely different from my accepting seats as a bribe.

Lucius: Actually, I just donated to charity to get them.

Mr. Weasley: I hate you so much right now....

Lucius: Oh, just in case you forgot how much of a racist asshole I am, I’m going to glare contemptuously at Hermione just because she has no magical parents.

Hermione: You’re mean! *Sulks*

Bagman: Alright, now that the important people have all been introduced.... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WELCOME YOU TO THE QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP!

[Before the match can start the teams bring out their mascots. In Bulgaria’s case, the mascots are Veela.]

Harry: Wow, they’re impossibly beautiful! Why, for them I could jump off a cliff or actually support those funny foreigners who brought them here!

Hermione: Don’t even think about it!

[Next the Irish team brings out, what else, Leprechauns! They perform arial displays and throw gold at the audience.]

Ron: Ooh! Gimme some of that gold! In case you forgot that I was poor and need money badly!

[After the enchanted animals do their thing, the match begins.]

Harry: Wow! This is even cooler than Quidditch at my school! These people actually have techniques used to play Quidditch which I never even knew existed! It’s almost enough to make the Chasers more interesting than the Seeker!

[Of course, soon enough the Irish Seeker crashes when Krum leads him astray.]

Harry: It says here that that’s a technique called a Wronski Feint. Wow, I wish I could do a Wronski Feint. Never mind that I probably discovered it by accident just playing against Cho, because I’m Just That Awesome!

[As the game goes on, it looks like Ireland is going to win.]

Leprechauns: In your face, you pathetic ethnic stereotypes! Not that we aren’t stereotyped, but there you go!

Veela: Oh yeah? Watch while we hypnotize everyone to ensure that our team wins!

[It takes awhile to calm the Veela down again, but when the Leprechauns continue to taunt them the Veela turn into ugly birds and start freaking out.]

Mr. Weasley: Gee, I wonder if letting these hostile magical mascots on the pitch to watch the game was actually a bad idea?

[Meanwhile, Ireland scores again, Krum gets hit with a Bludger, and catches the Snitch when the Irish Seeker crashes again.]

Bagman: AND THE FINAL SCORE IS... IRELAND 170, BULGARIA 160! Oh crap, that means Krum caught the Snitch but Ireland won! I lost my bet!

Bulgarian Minister of Magic: Well, we are funny foreigners....

Fudge: I didn’t know you could speak English!

Bulgarian Minister of Magic: Of course I can speak English! Did you really think, with my native language being so obscure, that I wouldn’t learn English to communicate internationally?

Fudge: Well this is awkward....

[The Bulgarians and Irish come out to shake the Ministers’ hands in turn, and then Ireland receives the Cup, the players taking no notice of the fact that their Seeker probably has brain damage.]

*A/N: This was actually in the book, and is just as stupid as it sounds!

**A/N: Incidentally, anyone notice that in this series, good women who are young are always pretty, but pretty men other than Harry are almost always bad or don’t make a good impression on him (I’m thinking of Cedric and Krum here)?