PS Chapter Two

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*Nearly ten years have passed since Harry was discovered on the doorstep (several hours after the kid was actually left there). In all that time you’ve all probably forgotten that you already know the kid’s secret so let’s start the book again. Who is this young boy living in a cupboard? Why do strange things happen around him? What is his secret?

*The Dursleys fill the house with signs that they love their ugly child. It’s embarrassing to watch them try to overcompensate for not being able to love the way Lily could.

*Harry immediately begins displaying his super powers by accurately remembering riding on a flying motorbike before he would have been old enough to name and understand the concept of motorbike. If pressed he could probably tells us the make and model.

*Aww, right here on page two. The first time Harry wakes up and pulls on used socks.

*Harry can’t imagine why Dudley wants a racing bike. Fat kids riding bicycles? Fat kids spend all their time eating chips and watching telly—everyone knows that. It’s so absurd—Dudley must be a Wizard!

*Dudley rarely catches Harry because although he doesn’t look it, Harry’s very fast. In case you were thinking that his wearing glasses suggested he might be ::shudder:: unathletic.

*Harry has a thin face and is very skinny with knobbly knees. Just like many supermodels at that age.

*His glasses have Sellotape on them from all the times Dudley has punched him in the nose. Wait, I though Dudley was too fat and Harry too much like greased lightning to be caught and punched?

*It’s the Law of Bullies in the Potterverse. When they’re ineffective they create victims. When they’re effective they’re not bullies.

*The only thing Harry likes about his appearance is his scar. But don’t worry, everyone else likes everything about his appearance. Dishiest boy in school, girls!

*Petunia tells Harry the scar came from a car accident. I would have told him the scar came from when some old guy left him lying outside on the ground in the middle of the night for hours and he got molested by a raccoon.

*Vernon proves himself a jerk by yelling at Harry to comb his hair, which just grows all over the place whether it’s cut or not. So the fact that Harry actually didn’t comb his hair is irrelevant. Stop yelling at the ten-year-old boy to comb his hair!

*Dudley’s blond hair lays flat on his fat head. Blond hair is evil that way.

*But is it impossibly sleek blond hair that shines in the sun during Quidditch matches? I think not! H/D draws first blood!

*Harry often said Dudley looked like a pig in a wig, by which he meant that Dudley’s moral character was quite flawed.

*Harry begins wolfing down his bacon—which he can do, being so skinny and all. All the fat from the bacon goes straight to Dudley’s thighs.

*Petunia quickly and nervously acts to head off one of Dudley’s tantrums by offering him more presents. I am strangely reminded of Hermione trying to deal with Harry in OotP.

*Mrs Figg’s broken her leg so can’t take Harry. Does Wizard medicine not work on Squibs so they can’t fix it for her? Or are there just no Wizard doctors who will treat Squibs?

*Harry hates going to Mrs Figg’s house. Understandably. He’s got no friends and she’s the only person who seems to try to be friendly to him, but dude, she’s a loser!

*Does the house smell like cabbage for some magical reason? Doesn’t the Weasleys’ QWC tent smell a bit cabbagy?

*Harry knows he should feel sorry that the poor lady up the street who’s nice but boring broke her leg, but it’s really hard. This is why Harry’s the Chosen One. People like Draco Malfoy might have to resort to Occlumency to repress compassion, but Harry’s so full of love he doesn’t have any to suppress.

*The Dursleys often talk about Harry like he isn’t there. Actually, that’s pretty standard for most children, I’d think.

*A real family who hated Harry really would leave him alone for hours at a time. The Dursleys are more like a parody of all the things you hate about your parents—they make him have a babysitter just so he can’t watch TV and not because they’re responsible.

*Dudley’s friend Piers Polkiss arrives, looking like a rat. Well, we know which house these two would be Sorted, don’t we?

*The Dursleys couldn’t think of anything else to do for Harry but bring him. No teenaged girls in the neighborhood who want to make a few quid? Oh, I guess they’re not allowed in the house either. Don’t want them having sex on the plastic coated couches etc.

*Uncle Vernon doesn’t believe Harry. No one ever does! Get used to that theme.

*Funny that Petunia only shaved Harry’s head that one time. You’d think he’d have grown up with crew cuts. Except she apparently doesn’t like to look at the scar that reminds her of the night her sister was killed and she got roped into service for the WW. Thanks, Dumbledore!

*Dudley is not only fat but has bad taste in clothes. Harry’s own bad clothes are forced upon him. Petunia interestingly did *not* punish Harry for shrinking Dudley’s sweater, even though she must have known he did it by magic. (And somehow while completely ignoring Harry, Petunia helps him to dress…)

*I love the way Harry’s home is so dreadful and yet everything else is dreadful too. Like, it’s not like he’s found something to like in school or developed a nice relationship with Mrs Figg. The Muggle world just sucks and nothing less than a four poster velvet curtained bed in a castle will do!

*Uncle Vernon complains as he drives. He likes to complain about things. Gee, having a hard life. Wonder what that’s like.

*Oh wow. Harry’s first trip to the zoo. So many animals to look like the people he hates!

*Dudley and Piers like snakes—not a good sign. Of course, good snakes like Harry.

*The snake raises its head and winks at Harry. Harry is shocked. Not because the snake seemed to communicate with him, but at the fact that the snake has eyelids.

*It’s very cool that Harry’s actually showing his special Parseltongue power and we don’t know it. You never forget your first extra special power that makes you even more special than you previously thought.

*Harry seems to first understand what the snake is saying just from a look, not hissing. It’s not actually speaking to him in snake.

*I hope everyone realizes that far more exciting than a boy speaking snake, this snake can apparently speak and read English. It understands that it comes from Brazil because it says so on its sign, but that the sign also indicates it was bred in the zoo.

*Like Harry, the snake knows it belongs somewhere else but was bred in a cage. Get it? Get it? You sure? Okay, going on.

*Harry was sure the snake just snapped playfully at the boy’s ankles as it passed. No doubt snapping with its boa constrictor fangs that could slash them until they bled rivers of blood.

*The snake slithers outside, free, and is promptly run over by a car. RIP Brazilian snake.

*Harry sits in the cupboard later wishing he had a watch. The watch-envy is strong in this one. Dudley’s got a gold one, Ron gets one later, Harry wears a broken one at one point.

*Meanwhile, random wizards have actually been coming up to Harry on the street for years. Great plan, Dumbledore. Kid’s as protected as a supermarket pennysaver.

*This would be a good time to go out and make myself a pop tart. I’ll come back when the hero has been caught up on plot stuff the audience has already been told…

*At school, Harry has no one. But just because everyone’s afraid of the fat kid and his friends. Harry’s unnaturally unpopular. Sort of like those poor girls who get called fat when they’re healthy looking.





Idiot Picture
So have all these wizards just decided not to speak to Harry even though they know who and where he is? Do the Death Eaters all just assume some other Death Eater is taking care of him?

Designated Hero
Vernon is the one who likes to complain and takes out his anger on other people, and this is how we know he’s the bad guy. CAPSLOCK!Harry just has a lot to be upset about.

Ken and Andrew’s Rule of Plot Holes
No, really, how is Harry so protected here? Couldn’t any one of these Wizards have stabbed him in the supermarket and then Disapparated?

Final score: 3