Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 11

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[The next day, as everyone’s raring to leave for Hogwarts, Arthur Weasley gets a message from Mr. Amos Diggory]

Mr. Weasley: Whoops, time to converse with his head as it appears in our fireplace. Remember this technique; it’ll be important later.

Mr. Diggory: So, anyway, some Muggles got wind of exploding dustbins. It was Mad-Eye Moody’s doing because he’s paranoid, and now we have to somehow get him off!

Mr. Weasley: Whoops, time for me to go to the Ministry and acquit my old friend!

Mr. Diggory: Oh, by the way, Moody’s starting a New Job today. I wonder what it is....

Fred: Mummy, I heard Mad-Eye Moody was a crazy person.

Mrs. Weasley: He’s a crazy person alright but he’s our crazy person and we love him.

Charlie: In fact, he’s Dumbledore’s friend so that must mean he’s a good guy!

Harry: Just who is this Moody person anyway?

Charlie: An extremely paranoid Dark-Wizard catcher, or Auror. He’s got tons of enemies, but he’s mysterious so I couldn’t tell you how or why.

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, and Mr. Weasley hired Muggle taxi drivers to take us to King’s Cross.  There’s no way this could create problems, either for them or for us, right?!

Taxi driver: How are we supposed to load up a pet owl, anyway?

Charlie: Oh, by the way, I’m going to have a role in the plot later!

Ron: Really?! How?!

Charlie: Can’t say, of course--classified. Oooh, can you feel the mystery?

Bill: Like Charlie says, there will be epic shit happening at Hogwarts this year--but I can’t tell you about it, oh no, you have to figure it out for yourselves! [Wags finger]

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: *Crossveins*

[So they board the train.]

Draco: So, anyway, I wanted to go to Durmstrang. I could actually learn the Dark Arts there and, and not be surrounded by Mudbloods! Yeah! But my mother insisted I go here instead! Did I mention my dear old dad actually knows the Headmaster there?!

Hermione: Oh, look, Draco wishes he had gone to the evil Dark Arts school Durmstrang, where they study the Dark Arts and shit.

Harry: Where is this school, anyway?

Hermione: Probably up north.

Ron: That means Draco could have fallen to his death off a glacier! Boo, why couldn’t he have gone there instead?!

[Neville walks by]

Ron: Oh, hi Navel!

Neville: My  name is not Navel!

Ron: Whatever! Did you catch the Quidditch World Cup?

Neville: No, we couldn’t afford tickets.

Ron: That sucks. I was in the Top Box because my father’s connected.

Neville: Well aren’t you special.

Draco: Indeed.

Neville: EEP! [Runs away]

Draco: Oh, look, Ron--you’ve got girly dress robes!

Ron: Oh, boo!

Draco: So are you going to enter the super-special-awesome tournament that’s happening this year?!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: What tournament?!

Draco: *Facepalm* Oh, whatever. If your parents want to shelter you like that that’s their problem.

Ron: My parents would have told me everything! They probably just didn’t know because they’re too noble to climb high enough on the social ladder to know these things!

[It’s raining hard when they get to Hogwarts.]

Hagrid: Oh, hello Harry. I’m just praying the first-years and I don’t drown!

Hermione: Like, how encouraging....