deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 12 (Reply)

So, because I REALLY want to get another one of these out here...here you go!

(If it helps, I'm quite proud of how this one turned out!)

[The students enter the school, only to find that Peeves is dropping water balloons on them!]

Professor McGonagall: Peeves, this is improper conduct! It's bad enough that they got rained on outside!

Peeves: The fact that they got rained on outside just means they're already wet!

Hermione: Well this is distracting....

[They enter the Great Hall...]

Colin Creevey: Hello, Harry! Remember me from two books ago!? I was your creepy fanboy!

Harry: Don't remind me! So, what's doing?

Colin: Ah, well, my brother's starting school this year.

Harry: Oh, good, another little boy I can show camaraderie to and then conveniently forget about until you guys die in the last book.

Colin: Like, how encouraging!

Harry: He will be in Gryffindor right? Just to warn you, I probably won't even give him the time of day if he isn't a Gryffindor.

Colin: Well...families go into the same houses, right?

Hermione: Well, Parvati Patil's sister is in Ravenclaw—though she's Indian so that might explain it.

Colin: Boo hiss! I might not have a Gryffindor brother after all!

Harry: Who is Parvati Patil again?

Hermione: Your future date! [Sniggers]

Harry: [Perturbed] Let's change the subject! Hermione, did you hear who the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was going to be?

Hermione: Haven't got a clue.

Harry: Hermione, do you think Snape hates me more this year than last year since we helped Sirius escape?

Hermione: [Headtable]

[The first-years enter...]

Dennis Creevey: I fell in the lake and was saved by a Giant Squid! Aren't I so awesome?

Harry: Well that's the right sort of attitude for a Gryffindor to have, so I guess you're alright!

Dennis: Oh, good. I now have Harry Potter's stamp of approval.

Colin: Why do I get the feeling that's more than I ever had?

[The first-years get sorted. One of them ends up in Slytherin fairly early on.]

Fred and George: [to Slytherin first-year] You'll never amount to anything!

Slytherin first-year: [Cries]

[Dennis gets sorted into Gryffindor]

Dennis: Now Harry Potter will like me better! Maybe I'll actually get my own scene!

Colin: Don't push your luck; I tried using Potter's influence to get screentime and all that happened to me was that I was attacked by an evil snake!

Dennis: [Sulks]

Nearly Headless Nick: So, did you hear that Peeves was harassing the House Elves in the kitchen earlier?

Hermione: [Comically spits out drink] OMG! There are House Elves at Hogwarts?!

Nearly Headless Nick: Well...yeah. It seems pure whimsy is no longer good enough to produce this much food for everyone.

Hermione: Butbutbut...that means Hogwarts has SLAVES working for it! [Bursts into tears]

Nearly Headless Nick: Well, if that's what you want to call it. Thank goodness the House Elves' only dream is to do totally thankless work.

Hermione: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!! You know, I'm not eating anymore!

Ron: Hermione, don't you want a nice big mouthful of my spotted dick* for dessert?

Hermione: Eeeyoooooo!

[After everyone except Hermione has finished the food, Albus Dumbledore speaks!]

Dumbledore: So, yeah, blah blah Mr. Filch is a stupid little rule-upholder, don't know what his problem is.... Oh, yeah, there will be no Quidditch Cup this year!

Just about everyone: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dumbledore: However...we will have an even better contest this year!

Everyone: LOLWHUT?!

Harry: Oh, boy! I'll bet this'll be another TOTALLY UNWANTED OMG chance for me to show how superior I am at everything!

[However, before Dumbledore can explain, a shriveled and battered old man with a bizarre magic eye enters the Great Hall, complete with an entourage of dramatic lightning.]

Dumbledore: Oh, yes, this is Mad-Eye Moody, and he'll be your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher this year.

Moody: Yeah... don't mind me, I'm just gonna drink from this flask of mine.... [He drinks from his flask and his robe hikes up to reveal a wooden leg]

Hermione: Wow, this man is creepy!

Ron: My father mentioned him a couple chapters ago, if memory serves. Aah, he always delivers on the foreshadowing front. [Smiles fondly]

Dumbledore: That's nice, Moody, but I really must get back to my exposition. So, as I was saying, the most exciting plot device in the history of FOREVER is going to come to Hogwarts! It is... THE TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT!

Fred: ZOMG YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS PROFESSOR!

George: Wow, for once you actually said something without my copying you. I never knew the day would come!

Fred: I know, isn't it rad?

George: I feel like there's been too much capslock there.

Fred: Well, why not? It's only going to get worse from here.

Professor McGonagall: With all due respect, Dumbledore, I think the conversation's just been derailed by a student.

Dumbledore: Yes, yes—I am aware of that! So, as I was saying, the Triwizard Tournament will be hosted here THIS VERY YEAR! Now, for all you who should know about this already, please excuse me for my massive infodump, that I may get Muggleborns and the terminally-sheltered Harry and Co. up to speed.

Purebloods: Well, this is going to take forever.

Dumbledore: So, anyway, this tournament has been going on for SEVEN HUNDRED YEARS!! between our school and two other inferior schools who think they're as good as us: Beauxbatons and Durmstrang. This tournament used to happen once every five years, with one competitor from each school, but there were so many fatalities it was eventually called off.

Hermione: F-f-f-fatalities?! [Shudders]

Harry: Wow! I wanna be in this tournament so I can be “the boy who lived” a second time!

Hermione: You could still die you know!

Harry: Relax, I'm the main character. I can't die with there still being three books to go.

Hermione: You're hopeless!

Dumbledore: But did you know, that this one super-special-awesome time we're going to try to reinstate the tournament and just see what happens? Oh, and we'll totally be keeping you guys safe of course, why would you think otherwise?!

Harry: [to Hermione] See? You worry too much!

Dumbledore: Anyway, anyway, the other schools will arrive around Halloween, at which point we will select who will represent our schools. Using, you're gonna love this, an IMPARTIAL JUDGE!

Hermione: They're real?! 0.o

Dumbledore: And the winner gets to represent their school as well as getting BIG MONEY!

Fred: Wow! I want some of that money! Time for my Gryffindor courage to shine!

George: Fred! It's like you're another person separate from me! Is this character development?!

Fred: Eh, I'm pretty sure by the next book we'll go back to being each other's undefined shadows again, actually. And when I say “next book,” I mean at the very latest.

George: Oh, boo! And here I hoped we were maturing apart.

Dumbledore: Oh, by the way, you have to be at least seventeen to enter the tournament.

Fred and George: Boo!

Harry: Oh, golly! Will this be the one plot device I don't get a personal hand in?

Dumbledore: And yes, this will be magically enforced! [to self] The other schools will kill me if I don't hold up just this one rule....

Dumbledore: Oh, yeah. Be nice to our foreign guests. After all, they're just inherently childlike; they can't help that they're inferior to us of the noble and most ancient school of Hogwarts. Well, that's all—good night, everyone!

[The students depart for their rooms]

Fred: So, George, let's use an aging potion to make ourselves look old enough to enter!

George: Sounds good to me. I can see no way this will backfire on us!

Ron: Well, you have fun with that! I for one know by limits!

Harry: Yeah, Ron—can't give you a chance at my glory, after all!

Ron: Don't remind me!

Neville: Oh, woe is me! Had I been old enough my gran would've forced me to enter for sure! [Cries]

Harry: Well... just be glad you're not of age then, Navel.

Neville: My name is NOT NAVEL! [Cries harder]

Hermione: Hey look, the fire in our dorms is lit! It's those HOUSE ELVES again! See that? Isn't it AWFUL how oppressed those House Elves are?! The way they light our fires?!

Ron: Something tells me she's not going to stop this any time soon....

[Harry and Ron climb into bed]

Harry: Oh, Ron—I'll bet the reason our beds are so warm is because a HOUSE ELF warms them up for us!

Ron: Well...sure. Why not?

Harry: [to self] Aah, to get past the judge! To participate in this, the mother of all plot devices.... To win and get money and fame—well, more than I already have—and girls! Yes, or maybe a girl.... Maybe Cho. Cho—the living, breathing proof that I'm not gay! [Wistful sigh] Oh well, time to fall asleep to end a chapter! Wheeeeeee!

*A/N: Yeah...apparently there's a dessert with that name!