Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 22

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[It all starts one day in Transfiguration class]

McGonagall: So, I have an extremely important announcement to make: as part of our Triwizard Tournament we will be holding a Yule Ball for all those fourth year and above.

Harry and Ron: LOLWHUT

Lavender: Oh, how wonderful! @-@

McGonagall: So, although the ball is mainly for recreation I expect you to behave yourselves. I know we're the best school ever and the other schools only wish they were as good as us... but we still have an image to uphold! By the way, Harry Potter simply must have a dance partner, since he's a champion and therefore must represent the school. It's tradition!

Harry: Oh, fuck! Why can't I just fight another dragon!? At least then I wouldn't have to actually acknowledge any of the other people at my school!

[So he wanders down the hallways hoping to find a suitable girl...]

Harry: You know, there are actually quite a lot of girls at Hogwarts! I had no idea they even existed outside of Hermione and Ginny!

Ron: Trust me, Harry, I know all about the ladies!

Harry: You do?

Ron: ...Well, no. But I wish I did.

Harry: I wish I could impress Cho.

Ron: Honestly, Harry, the way things are going you could probably get a date on demand. I'm sure the ladies love you now that you've proved your manhood by fighting a dragon.

[Sure enough, girls do want to date Harry.]

Harry: Oh, but none of them are CHO! And I'm sure they're vapid and shallow things which only want to date me because I'm Champion! If only Cho were dating me—she'd see me for who I am! Why is my life so haaaaaaaard?

Ron: Well... I could offer you up my little sister....

Harry: Okay that's just creepy.

[Later, they go see Hagrid.]

Hagrid: So, Rita Skeeter said very little about my magical creatures, and for that I was disappointed. Harry, she seemed to want me to say bad things about you.

Harry: Oh, but of course as a proper little fan you have nothing bad to say. Why didn't she interview Snape, I wonder?

Hagrid: Anyway, you're opening the Yule Ball, right?

Harry: Well... yes... but I don't have a date yet! [Cries]

[In classes, the teachers are taking the upcoming holiday differently.]

Flitwick: Since you don't care about school by now anyway, let's just play games!

Students: Yay!

Binns: Today we study Goblin rebellions.

Harry: I hate history!

Binns: You know, those who forget the past...

Harry: Fuck you! I'm the hero! Anything I really need to know I'll just learn through osmosis!

McGonagall and Moody: We still have work for you!

Harry: Yeah, but you're awesome so it's okay!

Snape: By the way, you have a test on the last day of classes

Ron: BOOOOOOOOOO! EEEEVIIIIIL!

Snape: What? Would you rather have one on your first day back from break?

Hermione: And you never do the work anyway.

Ron: Who needs work when you've got Exploding Snap, the cards that are much cooler than Muggle cards because they explode?!

Hermione: Oh, brother!

Fred: So, anyway, who are you going to the ball with?

Ron: Who are YOU going to the ball with?

Fred: I'm glad you asked! I'm going with Angelina!

Ron: you actually asked her out?!

Fred: Not yet, but I will! Hey Angelina, you want to come to the ball with me?

Angelina: Oh, sure! It's not like anyone else could afford me more screen time!

Fred: See? Pussy on demand!

Ron: Fuck, Harry, we'd better step up our game or we'll end up dating trolls!

Hermione: You know, trolls may be ugly on the surface and yet still have beautiful souls.

Ron: Hermione, you of all people should know that the defining characteristic of trolls is that they're jerkasses!

Hermione: Well, if you consider that Harry is Eridan Ampora, what does that say about his prospects for getting a date?

Harry: I thought I was Nepeta....

Hermione: Oh, never mind!

[Harry goes to see Cho after his Potions exam, which he fails because he leaves out the key ingredient.]

Harry: but Potions is HAAAAAARD anyway!

[He finds Cho leaving her class with some friends.]

Harry: Cho....

Cho: Yes, what is it?

Friends: Don't do it, Cho! He's Eridan Ampora!

Harry: That's NEPETA to you!

Cho: If it helps, I'm as confused by the weird crossovers as you are. So what can I do for you?

Harry: ChoIloveyouwillyouhavesexwithme?

Cho: ...WHAT?

Harry: Ah, sorry. I was just wondering, ah, if you'd want to go to the ball with me?

Cho: Well... unfortunately I already have a date.

Harry: Oh, wonderful! Who?!

Cho: Ah, Cedric. Why?

Harry: You actually LIKE that sparkly freak?! Don't do it, Cho; he's an abusive stalker vampire!

Cho: ...what are you talking about?

Harry: And to make matters worse... he's a HUFFLEPUFF!

Cho: Yeah, well I'm a Ravenclaw. We can be window dressing together.

Harry: Fuck!

Cho: O...kay.... [Leaves]

[He returns to his common room utterly defeated.]

Harry: Cedric sucks! Fuck him!

Ron: So you don't have a partner either?

Harry: No!

Ginny: Actually... he kinda asked Fleur out, you know.

Harry: Why would you do such a thing? You really want to date a French girl?

Ron: It was a reflex action, okay?! She used her evil Veela powers on me! I wish she'd just stop having hair and stuff! [Cries] And she was chatting up Cedric....

Harry: Figures she'd be a gold-digging bitch like that. Cedric's going with Cho anyway. She told me so I know it's so.

Ron: Whatever. Let's talk about how pathetic Navel is that he can't get a date. Not even from Hermione.

Harry: Yeah, that's a great idea! Poor Navel, Hermione's the only one nice enough to take pity on him. But not enough to actually date a loser like that!

Ginny: But I'm going with Navel!

Ron and Harry: LOLWHUT?!

Ginny: Well, he asked me, and I figured, it was my only chance to go since I'm otherwise too young!

[But just then, Hermione enters.]

Hermione: Did you two get turned down?

Ginny: Unfortunately, yes.

Hermione: That's what you two get for only chasing girls who are pretty.

Ron: Wow, Hermione—you might just be a girl, with the way you're acting!

Hermione: Oh, very nice! Be sexist now! Why do I envision the two of you growing up to be Nice Guys?

Ron: So... will you go to the ball with us, then?

Hermione: No, I have a date!

Ron: You're lying!

Hermione: I'm not!

Ginny: No, she really isn't. Trust me on this.

[Ginny and Hermione disperse, but just then, Harry spots Parvati coming into the common room.]

Harry: Fuck, now I actually have to date a girly girl! Oh, the horror! But, better that than nothing. It allows me to look racially sensitive, too, since she's Indian. Hey Parvati! [Strides up to her.]

Parvati: Oh, hello Harry Potter. Come to give me some screen time?

Harry: Well... yeah. You wanna go to the ball with me?

Parvati: Hell yeah! [To self] Better be extra nice to him if I want the most screen time possible.

Harry: Great, great. Listen, you know of anyone who could go with Ron?

Parvati: Well... there's my sister Padma. She's in Ravenclaw.

Harry: A girly girl from Ravenclaw, huh? Well, it's better than letting my bestest bro go dateless. Sure, why not?

Parvati: Great.

Harry: Great.

Comments

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Cho: Yeah, well I'm a Ravenclaw. We can be window dressing together./

*snorts*

At least when Cho was with Cedric, she was still portrayed as a good person. She starts dating Harry in OotP and all of a sudden, she becomes the “human hosepipe.”

/Harry: Figures she'd be a gold-digging bitch like that./

Meanwhile, Harry and Ron not wanting to go with anybody less than pretty isn’t shallow at all.

/Why do I envision the two of you growing up to be Nice Guys?/

And she ends up being a Nice Girl in HBP with the whole Cormac-Hermione-Ron-Lavender fiasco.

[charlottehywd.livejournal.com]

Ron: Well... I could offer you up my little sister....

Harry: Okay that's just creepy.

This may explain part of why I don't really buy the Harry/Ginny pairing... ew.