deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 26 (Reply)

THE [drumroll] SECOND TASK!!

[The next day in class, Harry speaks to Ron and Hermione about what he'd seen last night.]

Harry: Thank goodness nobody's listening to us because they're all shooting things violently around the room with Banishing Charms.

Flitwick: Help! Navel Longbottom's got meeeeeeeee! [Flies across the room]

Neville: My name is not Navel! [Cries] Why does Professor Flitwick hate me?!

Ron: So you think Snape's in trouble with Moody, then?

Harry: Yeah, probably. Surely this could in no way mean that Moody is acting strange or out of place.

Ron: Maybe Snape put your name in the Goblet of Fire?

Harry: That could be!

Hermione: But why would Snape want to do that? He saved your life once!

Harry: That was an anomaly! No doubt since he's being mean to me he REALLY wants me dead this time!

Hermione: Yeah, well, Dumbledore trusts Snape. And I know we can trust Dumbledore, because Dumbledore introduced us to our personal friends Lupin and Hagrid. I can think of no way in which that might show that Dumbledore's judgement is suspect!

Ron: Nonsense; Snape is evil.

Hermione: How do you know?

Ron: Because Moody searched his office!

Hermione: What makes you think Moody was in the right to do that?

Ron: Because we like Moody and not Snape! So there!

Hermione: Whatever. Harry, if Crouch is sick, then just how did he get into the school at night if he couldn't even be at our dance?

Ron: Clearly you're just upset about the TOTALLY JUSTIFIED way Crouch treats his House-Elf. I can think of no other reason why you don't trust Crouch!

Hermione: Oh, yeah? Well I could say the same thing about you and Snape.

Harry: To be fair, if Moody doesn't trust Snape I want to see all the gory details; maybe I can actually prove that he's a bad man!

[The Second Task, meanwhile, draws ever nearer.]

Harry: Maybe I could summon an aqualung from a nearby Muggle town?

Hermione: Harry, since when have you shown any interest in totally-inferior Muggle devices, anyway?

Harry: Oh, boo hiss! Now I actually have to go to the LIBRARY again, and RESEARCH! Why is my life so haaaaaaaard?

[Harry and his friends do their research, but turn up no results.]

Harry: Oh, but it's not like I can actually question Dumbledore's decision to let me compete in a tournament like this when I've never learned how to do any spells to help me breath underwater!

[Meanwhile, Harry gets a letter from Sirius asking to visit him in Hogsmeade.]

[In Care of Magical Creatures, meanwhile, Hagrid is teaching the students more about Unicorns.]

Hagrid: So today I've brought you some cute little golden baby Unicorns. Don't ask what happened to their mother or anything, thought!

Harry: Gee, Hagrid—I'm sure nervous about the second task coming up! Could you give me an injection of self-confidence?

Hagrid: Oh, sure! Harry, you're going to win—I know you will. You're Just That Awesome, after all, and everyone knows it!

[Harry later gets back to researching but still turns up nothing.]

Hermione: I'm certainly not going to question Dumbledore's judgement in giving us a task that requires a spell that can't even be found in any of these books!

Harry: Maybe I should have been a watery Animagus....

Hermione: You? The Gryffindoriest of all Gryffindors? A water Animagus?! Besides, it takes far too long to register to become one!

[Just then, Fred Weasley appears out of nowhere!]

Fred: Ron! Hermione! Professor McGonagall wants to speak to you! Now come leave Harry alone so he can angst by himself!

Ron and Hermione: Yes, Fred-who-is-not-with-George-for-some-reason!

Fred: Thanks for reminding me of how little personality I have!

[They stride away, leaving Harry to his own devices.]

Harry: Oh, woe is me! I must now valiantly return to my room to cram-study for the task that's TOMORROW! And hope that a Deus ex Machina comes to help me out!

[Harry returns to his room, where he drifts into and out of sleep several times. Eventually, he wakes up to see Dobby!]

Dobby: Harry, it's me! Your most useful plot device!

Harry: Oh, Dobby! It's you!

Dobby: I've brought you something—you'll need to eat this before you go in the lake. [He produces Gillyweed, which he hands to Harry] Now hurry—the task starts in ten minutes!

Harry: Thank you so much, Dobby! You are the greatest plot device!

Dobby: Oh, by the way, the Merpeople are holding Ron hostage!

Harry: WHAT?!

[Harry mad-dashes out to the lake to do his task and save Ron!]

Percy: Oh, Harry! You're finally here! I'd love to two-dimensionally reprimand you for being late, but unfortunately none of your adoring fans will let me do that so just go take your place!

[Bagman blows the whistle and Harry jumps in with the other champions, eating the Gillyweed as he does so. Harry grows gills!]

Harry: Noww I really can be like Eridan Ampora! All I need is a hipster cape, a feww rings, a seahorse friend, and a genocide complex! Fuck, I'vve evven copied his wway of speaking!

[Harry tries to navigate the lake, fighting some Grindylows along the way. Eventually he spots Moaning Myrtle.]

Moaning Myrtle: They're that way! [Points] Oh, but I won't come with you; you can figure the rest out myself. I'm sure if I helped you any more blatantly it'd be cheating.

Harry: I havve the best plot-device friends evver! Wwoohoo!

[Eventually he comes upon the merpeople, and sees Ron, as well as Hermione, Cho, and Fleur's little sister, tied to a statue in the center of their community.]

Merpeople: Eridan Ampora?!

Harry: No I'm Harry Potter you idiots!

Harry: Oh, but howw shall I free them? Oh, maybe I'll just take one of the mermen's tridents.... [He finds a merman with a spear.] Mr. Merman, can I borroww your spear so I can free my friend?

Merman: No this is mine.

Harry: But I'm Eridan... I mean, Harry Potter! I deservve all the help I can get!

Merman: Forget it. I don't lend my weapons to trolls!

Harry: But I'm not a troll! I'm the main character; honest!

Merman: Whatever--this trident is still mine; not yours!

[But Harry finds a sharp rock, which he uses to free Ron.]

Harry: Yay! Oh, but wwhat about the others? Since the other champions are incompetent and havven't gotten theirs yet, because they're thick as bricks and not as awwesome as me, then I wwill do the honor of rescuing the others too, so I look even better! [He reaches for Hermione only to be pulled away by the merpeople.]

Random mermaid: Idiot—you take your own and get out!

[But just then, Cedric appears and frees Cho. Krum comes by momentarily, halfway-transfigured into a shark.]

Harry: Oh, but wwhere is Fleur? Since she's so delicate and female, she's clearly gotten held up permanently! I must therefore savve her hostage from certain death as wwell!

Merpeople: Not this shit again! [They block Harry, but Harry pulls out his wand.]

Harry: Let me get her right noww or I'll coat you in my swweet magic from my massivve wwand!

Merpeople: Damn! Don't hurt us, Mr. Troll!

Harry: I'm not a troll! I'm Harry Potter, the awwesomest wwizard ever!

Merpeople: Whatever! Don't attack us with your wand!

Harry: That's better. Wwe wwizards are still better than you since wwe can do magic—don't forget that!

Merman: Get back to Homestuck!

[But Harry takes the little girl as well as Ron and away he goes. Ron and the girl wake up soon after breaking the surface.]

Ron: Harry, that was incredible! But you didn't rescue that inferior French girl too, did you?

Harry: But I couldn't just let her die!

Ron: Silly—there's no reason to think we'd have died! After all, Dumbledore told us we were safe, and I have no reason to doubt that Dumbledore takes our safety seriously!

Merpeople: You completely broke the rules of the task for no good reason, and impersonated a Homestuck troll, but let's cheer for you anyway!

[They go to the tent with Madame Pomfrey and the others...]

Fleur: Oh, Harry, thank you so much for saving my sister! I was menaced by these Grindylows and there was no way I could have ever gotten past them, seeing as I'm so delicate and female and all...!

Hermione: Harry, you've actually done something for yourself for once!

Harry: [to self] Need I mention that actually it was Dobby who gave me the magic Eridan Ampora-fying plant and Moaning Myrtle who pointed me in the direction of the merpeople and who indeed was the only reason I figured out the egg in the first place?

Krum: Hermione, need I remind you that I was the one who cared about you enough to go looking for you in the first place?

Hermione: Go away, Foreigner! Nobody likes you!

Krum: Need I mention that you have a water beetle in your hair? I wonder what that could possibly mean...?

Harry: Oh, shut up, you! Whyyyyy did I take that riddle seriously?! Of COURSE Dumbledore would never let anyone drown! I'm such an iiiiiidiooooooot!

[Meanwhile, Dumbledore converses with the Mer-chieftaness and the other judges.]

Bagman: So, once again, Fleur is last because she's a stupid girl; and Harry ties with Cedric for first!

Ron: See Harry? Your heroics got you glory again!

Harry: Yeah, you're right! Hooray! Being a hero is awesome when you get showered with praise like this!

Krum: But I did okay too... right Hermione?

Hermione: That's nice, Foreigner. We don't care. Harry rules!

Krum: Fuck you! Why didn't I get my own series?

Bagman: So, the third task is at the end of June; until then, bye!

[And they all go back to the castle in high spirits.]

EXTRAS:

[Later that night, in Harry's dorm...]

Harry: I must thank Dobby for his plot-device weed. Even when partially transformed into a Homestuck troll I still looked better than the other competitors under the water!

Neville: I could've told you that! I read the book! [Produces a book on plants.]

Harry: You know something, all the merpeople down in the lake thought I was Eridan Ampora.

Neville: So... this means you've finally come around to how much it sucks when nobody knows who you are or what your name is?

Harry: ...LOLNOPE! Sorry, Navel; can't say I sympathize.

Neville: I hate you so much.