Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 28
Oct. 1st, 2012 03:28 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockThought I'd post another one of these, since I haven't for awhile :)
[So, Harry, Ron, and Hermione send a letter to Percy inquiring about Mr. Crouch. They then go to visit Dobby.]
Dobby: Oh, thank you so much for these socks!
Harry: It's the least I can do, after you gave me that Gillyweed. I rocked the Eridan Ampora look!
Dobby: I suppose Eridan Ampora jokes were inevitable, here....
Ron: Hey House Elves, could you get us some extra food to send to our super-special-awesome friend?!
House Elves: Sure, gladly!
Harry: ...You just stole my thing I was supposed to think of!
Ron: Eridan Ampora!
Harry: Oh, shut up!
Hermione: Dobby, I just thought of something—wherever could Winky be?
Dobby: She's by the fireplace getting drunk, is where she is!
Hermione: Oh, no! This is horrible! Why ever would she do that?
Dobby: Do I really have to say it...? Because Mr. Crouch abandoned her.
Winky: Oh, woe is meeeeeee! My old master doesn't looooooove me anymooooooooore!
Harry: I had an idea! Hey Winky, do you know where Mr. Crouch might be right now? He hasn't been coming to the tournament!
Winky: He hasn't come to the tournament?
Harry: No. Could he be sick?
Winky: I wouldn't doubt it! How ever will he get by without me to take care of him!? Woe is me! [Cries]
Hermione: To be fair, we don't exactly know that he's stick.
Winky: Oh, did I mention that he told me all his deepest, darkest secrets too?
Harry: Ooh! What kind of secrets?
Winky: I'm not telling you! That's why they're secret!
Dobby: ...Winky, you do know who you're talking to, right?
Winky: I know but I don't care! Nobody's getting my master's secrets—least of all the main characters!
House Elves: Oh, will you come off it?
Hermione: But why won't you people cheer her up when she's visibly distraught?
House Elves: Because there's work to be done—there's no reason for her to be upset when there's work to do!
Hermione: ...What?
House Elves: If we're given work... then there's no time for us to be upset! No unfortunate implications there, oh no!
[The House Elves hand Harry and co. their food and then shoo them away.]
Ron: Stupid elves! And here I was hoping we'd get more information!
Hermione: Or more food, huh?
Ron: Not this shit again! I have a proper grasp on the situation, you know!
Hermione: Not enough to realize how oppressed those HOUSE ELVES are!
[The next day...]
Hermione: Oh, look! Someone sent me a Howler because of Rita Skeeter's attempts to slander me! [Cries]
[But not just one Howler—dozens of them!]
Hermione: It's not fair! How could anyone believe that stupid article!? [Cries]
[One of them contains a poison that makes Hermione's hand swell up.]
Hermione: Oh, no! Now I must go to the hospital wing! [Cries] Why is everyone so meeeean to me?!
[Harry and Ron go to Care of Magical Creatures]
Hagrid: So, today we'll be having some fun with Nifflers!
Ron: Gesundheit!
[Hagrid gives each student a Niffler.]
Hagrid: So, these ridiculously cute creatures love shiny things!
[Sure enough, one of them tries to bite Pansy Parkinson's watch.]
Pansy: My watch! [Cries]
Hagrid: But, we're going to have some fun with them. I've buried Leprechaun gold and you are going to use your Nifflers to search for it. There'll be a FABULOUS PRIZE for whoever gets the most gold!
Ron: Wow! This is a dream come true!
[The Nifflers burrow in search of gold. Ron's gets the most.]
Ron: Hooray! Now I get all this extra gold!
Hagrid: Oh, by the way, Leprechaun gold disappears in just a few hours!
[Hagrid gives Ron some chocolate, and they all go home.]
Ron: Oh, boo-hiss! Harry, I paid you back at the Quidditch World Cup using Leprechaun gold!
Harry: So? I didn't even notice!
Ron: Of course you wouldn't notice, because you actually HAVE MONEY! Me, I'm just so POOR! [Cries]
Hermione: Well, that's what happens when you have no ambition and the only family member who actually tries to have a real career is treated as an honorary Slytherin!
Ron: Oh, fuck you!
Hermione: Besides, what about me? Isn't it just HORRIBLE what that Skeeter woman's done to me? Just wait till I get my hands on her—she! Will! Paaaaaaaaaaaay!
[But Hermione continues to receive hate mail.]
Hermione: I still don't get how she got all this information. I mean, she isn't even allowed on the grounds.
Harry: Well, call it a hunch—I wonder if she doesn't have you... BUGGED!
Ron: Bugged, huh? What does that mean?
Harry: Oh, she might be using hidden wires, microphones....
Hermione: That's impossible—electronics don't work inside Hogwarts. No, I'll wager she's using illegal magic. And once I find out how she does it... she's gonna regret the day she ever messed with THE Hermione Granger! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!
Ron: I think you're overdoing this.
Hermione: Hey, it's all in the name of getting back at an evil slanderer, isn't it?
Ron: Well, I suppose so.
[When Easter comes along, Hermione's easter egg is smaller than Harry's and Ron's!]
Hermione: Ron, does your mother by any chance read the magazine that Rita Skeeter writes for?
Ron: Well yes, but... that doesn't even make sense! My mother doesn't believe Rita Skeeter when she writes bad stuff about my father!
Hermione: Fuck!
Ron: Well, anyway, Percy is showing what a meanie he is by not being sympathetic to our plight and being annoyed that we think something's up with Crouch. [Displays Percy's letter]
Harry: Typical Percy! [Sighs]
[Then one day, Harry is called down to the Quidditch field to get briefed on the third and final challenge of the Triwizard Cup!]
Cedric: Hello Harry!
Harry: Suck my balls, you sparkly emo vampire boy!
Cedric: Oh, will you come off it?! I'm not a vampire and I don't want to be one any more than you want me to be one!
Harry: Hmph!
Cedric: So, anyway... what do you think the first challenge will be? Do you think we'll have to find some sort of treasure?
Harry: Oh, that's easy! I'll just grab Hagrid and he'll give me a Niffler and I'll win without any effort! Just like I always do!
Cedric: Very funny! You do realize that nothing that obvious is going to happen.
Harry: I can dream, can't I?
[So they go outside to see that the Quidditch field has been remade into a maze!]
Bagman: So, as you can see, this will be your third challenge. The goal is to get through the maze to find the trophy. Whoever reaches the trophy first, wins! Got all that?
Fleur: So... is that all there is to it? With my luck, I doubt I could even get that right....
Bagman: Well, there will be obstacles.
Fleur: I knew it! No doubt I'll have to be rescued from them by famous Harry Potter—again!
Bagman: Yeah. The people who were in the lead in the last competition go first, and then everyone else enters. I know that sounds like it's stacking the deck, but trust me—you will all find ways to get ahead! Well, that's all I've got for right now. Bye-bye! [He leaves the champions alone.]
Krum: Harry, can I ask you something?
Harry: ...Sure, what is it?
Krum: Are you dating Hermione?
Harry: Hey! You're not supposed to be able to pronounce her name! You're a stupid foreigner!
Krum: ...It's not that hard to pronounce. Anyway, are you going to answer the question or not?
Harry: Of course I'm not dating her! She's destined to be married to Ron Weasley!
Krum: Any chance of my getting fanfiction written about me where I do end up with Hermione?
Harry: Well quite frankly Draco has a better chance of getting her in fanfiction than you do.
Krum: Fuck! Being a minor character in this thing sucks!
Harry: Remember—only Gryffindors or Slytherins matter, and Slytherins are evil!
Krum: I hate you so much! [to self] Wait... being mean to him won't get me more screentime! Oops! [to Harry] Ah... I mean... you're great at flying on a broomstick! Yes, you are! Very much so! I mean it, and I'm an international Quidditch star!
Harry: Wow! I'm getting complimented on my flying abilities by an international Quidditch star! I really am the greatest!
[But just then, the two of them come across none other than Mr. Crouch!]
Crouch: [to thin air] ...Weatherby! Weatherby, free the Nogtails! Yes, do it now!
Harry: Mr. Crouch, what are you saying?
Crouch: ...Hedges of DOOM!
Krum: Well he's gone mad!
Harry: MR. CROUCH!
Crouch: [turns to look at Harry] Oh... a person! Will you take me to Dumbledore, Person?
Harry: Sure, of course. Krum, be a dear and watch Crouch for me?
Crouch: My son is bad tofu!
Krum: ...Sure, I see how it is! Just leave me while you run off! And of course the camera will pan to you because you're the hero, and I'll be stuck here wet-nursing a crazy person!
Crouch: My son! My son! A clue, a clue! My son!
[Harry runs to see Dumbledore, but can't get into his office.]
Snape: I thought you'd be running around here. Just what are you up to?
Harry: I have to warn Dumbledore—Crouch is in the forest and he's crazy!
Snape: Crouch? In the forest? And crazy? But why?
Harry: How in the hell should I know, dammit?! Just take me to see Dumbledore before he vaporizes with the sheer force of his craziness!
Snape: That's too bad! Dumbledore's busy!
Harry: He's never too busy for me, HARRY MOTHERFUCKING POTTER!
Snape: Rehashing old badass monikers, truly the highest form of wit.
Harry: THIS ISN'T FUNNY, DAMMIT!
Snape: Oh, will you stop capslocking?!
Dumbledore: O HAI THAR!
Harry: Oh, Dumbledore! Thank heavens you've answered the call of capslock! Listen, listen! Crouch is out in the forest and he's crazy and he needs your help now!
Dumbledore: Then help him I shall. Lead the way, Monsieur Potter!
[Harry turns to walk away.]
Dumbledore: [to Snape] Take that! [Flips Snape the bird]
Snape: The things I put up with!*
[Harry and Dumbledore run outside to find Krum unconscious and Crouch gone. Dumbledore revives Krum.]
Dumbledore: Krum! What happened?
Krum: I was attacked by that crazy person I was with—Harry!
Harry: How was I supposed to know he would attack you? [Cries]
[Just then, Hagrid and Moody arrive!]
Dumbledore: Hagrid, can you get Karkaroff for me?
Hagrid: Sure thing, Dumbledore! [Leaves]
Moody: I'll go find Crouch for you! [Leaves]
Dumbledore: Good man.
[In due time, Hagrid returns with Karkaroff]
Karkaroff: Just what happened here?
Krum: I was attacked by Mr. Crouch! He's crazy!
Karkaroff: What? Okay, Dumbledore, this is your fault, isn't it? You and all the English people at this thing are trying to play favorites and get me discredited?
Dumbledore: Oh, whatever would give you that idea?
Karkaroff: Why else would someone from the English Ministry of Magic attack my student?
Hagrid: How dare you suggest that Dumbledore and we Brits are anything other than noble?! Take that! [Grabs Karkaroff by the neck and picks him up]
Dumbledore: Hagrid, put him down! How would it look for me if you killed someone else on my property?
Hagrid: Whoops, didn't think about that! [Releases Karkaroff] You got off easy this time, Foreigner!
Dumbledore: Hagrid, why don't you take Harry back up to the school. And Harry, leave this plot thread dangling for tonight—you can always investigate further tomorrow morning.
Harry: Of course!
[Hagrid goes up to the castle with Harry.]
Hagrid: I still don't know why you allowed yourself to wander alone with a foreigner like Krum. He could have hexed you!
Harry: What, you think he would hex me just because he's a foreigner?
Hagrid: Sure, why not? After all, Hogwarts exemplifies everything good and true and righteous in the Wizarding World; if these people were truly good, they would already be going to Hogwarts!
Harry: Well that makes sense....
Hagrid: You better believe it!
[So Harry says good-bye to Hagrid and makes his way back to his room, where Harry and Hermione are waiting for him.]
*A/N: Is it me or is this scene entirely pointless? It seems like it exists only to bluntly force the point that Snape is mean and that Harry would rather relay a message to Dumbledore than deal with him.
[So, Harry, Ron, and Hermione send a letter to Percy inquiring about Mr. Crouch. They then go to visit Dobby.]
Dobby: Oh, thank you so much for these socks!
Harry: It's the least I can do, after you gave me that Gillyweed. I rocked the Eridan Ampora look!
Dobby: I suppose Eridan Ampora jokes were inevitable, here....
Ron: Hey House Elves, could you get us some extra food to send to our super-special-awesome friend?!
House Elves: Sure, gladly!
Harry: ...You just stole my thing I was supposed to think of!
Ron: Eridan Ampora!
Harry: Oh, shut up!
Hermione: Dobby, I just thought of something—wherever could Winky be?
Dobby: She's by the fireplace getting drunk, is where she is!
Hermione: Oh, no! This is horrible! Why ever would she do that?
Dobby: Do I really have to say it...? Because Mr. Crouch abandoned her.
Winky: Oh, woe is meeeeeee! My old master doesn't looooooove me anymooooooooore!
Harry: I had an idea! Hey Winky, do you know where Mr. Crouch might be right now? He hasn't been coming to the tournament!
Winky: He hasn't come to the tournament?
Harry: No. Could he be sick?
Winky: I wouldn't doubt it! How ever will he get by without me to take care of him!? Woe is me! [Cries]
Hermione: To be fair, we don't exactly know that he's stick.
Winky: Oh, did I mention that he told me all his deepest, darkest secrets too?
Harry: Ooh! What kind of secrets?
Winky: I'm not telling you! That's why they're secret!
Dobby: ...Winky, you do know who you're talking to, right?
Winky: I know but I don't care! Nobody's getting my master's secrets—least of all the main characters!
House Elves: Oh, will you come off it?
Hermione: But why won't you people cheer her up when she's visibly distraught?
House Elves: Because there's work to be done—there's no reason for her to be upset when there's work to do!
Hermione: ...What?
House Elves: If we're given work... then there's no time for us to be upset! No unfortunate implications there, oh no!
[The House Elves hand Harry and co. their food and then shoo them away.]
Ron: Stupid elves! And here I was hoping we'd get more information!
Hermione: Or more food, huh?
Ron: Not this shit again! I have a proper grasp on the situation, you know!
Hermione: Not enough to realize how oppressed those HOUSE ELVES are!
[The next day...]
Hermione: Oh, look! Someone sent me a Howler because of Rita Skeeter's attempts to slander me! [Cries]
[But not just one Howler—dozens of them!]
Hermione: It's not fair! How could anyone believe that stupid article!? [Cries]
[One of them contains a poison that makes Hermione's hand swell up.]
Hermione: Oh, no! Now I must go to the hospital wing! [Cries] Why is everyone so meeeean to me?!
[Harry and Ron go to Care of Magical Creatures]
Hagrid: So, today we'll be having some fun with Nifflers!
Ron: Gesundheit!
[Hagrid gives each student a Niffler.]
Hagrid: So, these ridiculously cute creatures love shiny things!
[Sure enough, one of them tries to bite Pansy Parkinson's watch.]
Pansy: My watch! [Cries]
Hagrid: But, we're going to have some fun with them. I've buried Leprechaun gold and you are going to use your Nifflers to search for it. There'll be a FABULOUS PRIZE for whoever gets the most gold!
Ron: Wow! This is a dream come true!
[The Nifflers burrow in search of gold. Ron's gets the most.]
Ron: Hooray! Now I get all this extra gold!
Hagrid: Oh, by the way, Leprechaun gold disappears in just a few hours!
[Hagrid gives Ron some chocolate, and they all go home.]
Ron: Oh, boo-hiss! Harry, I paid you back at the Quidditch World Cup using Leprechaun gold!
Harry: So? I didn't even notice!
Ron: Of course you wouldn't notice, because you actually HAVE MONEY! Me, I'm just so POOR! [Cries]
Hermione: Well, that's what happens when you have no ambition and the only family member who actually tries to have a real career is treated as an honorary Slytherin!
Ron: Oh, fuck you!
Hermione: Besides, what about me? Isn't it just HORRIBLE what that Skeeter woman's done to me? Just wait till I get my hands on her—she! Will! Paaaaaaaaaaaay!
[But Hermione continues to receive hate mail.]
Hermione: I still don't get how she got all this information. I mean, she isn't even allowed on the grounds.
Harry: Well, call it a hunch—I wonder if she doesn't have you... BUGGED!
Ron: Bugged, huh? What does that mean?
Harry: Oh, she might be using hidden wires, microphones....
Hermione: That's impossible—electronics don't work inside Hogwarts. No, I'll wager she's using illegal magic. And once I find out how she does it... she's gonna regret the day she ever messed with THE Hermione Granger! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!
Ron: I think you're overdoing this.
Hermione: Hey, it's all in the name of getting back at an evil slanderer, isn't it?
Ron: Well, I suppose so.
[When Easter comes along, Hermione's easter egg is smaller than Harry's and Ron's!]
Hermione: Ron, does your mother by any chance read the magazine that Rita Skeeter writes for?
Ron: Well yes, but... that doesn't even make sense! My mother doesn't believe Rita Skeeter when she writes bad stuff about my father!
Hermione: Fuck!
Ron: Well, anyway, Percy is showing what a meanie he is by not being sympathetic to our plight and being annoyed that we think something's up with Crouch. [Displays Percy's letter]
Harry: Typical Percy! [Sighs]
[Then one day, Harry is called down to the Quidditch field to get briefed on the third and final challenge of the Triwizard Cup!]
Cedric: Hello Harry!
Harry: Suck my balls, you sparkly emo vampire boy!
Cedric: Oh, will you come off it?! I'm not a vampire and I don't want to be one any more than you want me to be one!
Harry: Hmph!
Cedric: So, anyway... what do you think the first challenge will be? Do you think we'll have to find some sort of treasure?
Harry: Oh, that's easy! I'll just grab Hagrid and he'll give me a Niffler and I'll win without any effort! Just like I always do!
Cedric: Very funny! You do realize that nothing that obvious is going to happen.
Harry: I can dream, can't I?
[So they go outside to see that the Quidditch field has been remade into a maze!]
Bagman: So, as you can see, this will be your third challenge. The goal is to get through the maze to find the trophy. Whoever reaches the trophy first, wins! Got all that?
Fleur: So... is that all there is to it? With my luck, I doubt I could even get that right....
Bagman: Well, there will be obstacles.
Fleur: I knew it! No doubt I'll have to be rescued from them by famous Harry Potter—again!
Bagman: Yeah. The people who were in the lead in the last competition go first, and then everyone else enters. I know that sounds like it's stacking the deck, but trust me—you will all find ways to get ahead! Well, that's all I've got for right now. Bye-bye! [He leaves the champions alone.]
Krum: Harry, can I ask you something?
Harry: ...Sure, what is it?
Krum: Are you dating Hermione?
Harry: Hey! You're not supposed to be able to pronounce her name! You're a stupid foreigner!
Krum: ...It's not that hard to pronounce. Anyway, are you going to answer the question or not?
Harry: Of course I'm not dating her! She's destined to be married to Ron Weasley!
Krum: Any chance of my getting fanfiction written about me where I do end up with Hermione?
Harry: Well quite frankly Draco has a better chance of getting her in fanfiction than you do.
Krum: Fuck! Being a minor character in this thing sucks!
Harry: Remember—only Gryffindors or Slytherins matter, and Slytherins are evil!
Krum: I hate you so much! [to self] Wait... being mean to him won't get me more screentime! Oops! [to Harry] Ah... I mean... you're great at flying on a broomstick! Yes, you are! Very much so! I mean it, and I'm an international Quidditch star!
Harry: Wow! I'm getting complimented on my flying abilities by an international Quidditch star! I really am the greatest!
[But just then, the two of them come across none other than Mr. Crouch!]
Crouch: [to thin air] ...Weatherby! Weatherby, free the Nogtails! Yes, do it now!
Harry: Mr. Crouch, what are you saying?
Crouch: ...Hedges of DOOM!
Krum: Well he's gone mad!
Harry: MR. CROUCH!
Crouch: [turns to look at Harry] Oh... a person! Will you take me to Dumbledore, Person?
Harry: Sure, of course. Krum, be a dear and watch Crouch for me?
Crouch: My son is bad tofu!
Krum: ...Sure, I see how it is! Just leave me while you run off! And of course the camera will pan to you because you're the hero, and I'll be stuck here wet-nursing a crazy person!
Crouch: My son! My son! A clue, a clue! My son!
[Harry runs to see Dumbledore, but can't get into his office.]
Snape: I thought you'd be running around here. Just what are you up to?
Harry: I have to warn Dumbledore—Crouch is in the forest and he's crazy!
Snape: Crouch? In the forest? And crazy? But why?
Harry: How in the hell should I know, dammit?! Just take me to see Dumbledore before he vaporizes with the sheer force of his craziness!
Snape: That's too bad! Dumbledore's busy!
Harry: He's never too busy for me, HARRY MOTHERFUCKING POTTER!
Snape: Rehashing old badass monikers, truly the highest form of wit.
Harry: THIS ISN'T FUNNY, DAMMIT!
Snape: Oh, will you stop capslocking?!
Dumbledore: O HAI THAR!
Harry: Oh, Dumbledore! Thank heavens you've answered the call of capslock! Listen, listen! Crouch is out in the forest and he's crazy and he needs your help now!
Dumbledore: Then help him I shall. Lead the way, Monsieur Potter!
[Harry turns to walk away.]
Dumbledore: [to Snape] Take that! [Flips Snape the bird]
Snape: The things I put up with!*
[Harry and Dumbledore run outside to find Krum unconscious and Crouch gone. Dumbledore revives Krum.]
Dumbledore: Krum! What happened?
Krum: I was attacked by that crazy person I was with—Harry!
Harry: How was I supposed to know he would attack you? [Cries]
[Just then, Hagrid and Moody arrive!]
Dumbledore: Hagrid, can you get Karkaroff for me?
Hagrid: Sure thing, Dumbledore! [Leaves]
Moody: I'll go find Crouch for you! [Leaves]
Dumbledore: Good man.
[In due time, Hagrid returns with Karkaroff]
Karkaroff: Just what happened here?
Krum: I was attacked by Mr. Crouch! He's crazy!
Karkaroff: What? Okay, Dumbledore, this is your fault, isn't it? You and all the English people at this thing are trying to play favorites and get me discredited?
Dumbledore: Oh, whatever would give you that idea?
Karkaroff: Why else would someone from the English Ministry of Magic attack my student?
Hagrid: How dare you suggest that Dumbledore and we Brits are anything other than noble?! Take that! [Grabs Karkaroff by the neck and picks him up]
Dumbledore: Hagrid, put him down! How would it look for me if you killed someone else on my property?
Hagrid: Whoops, didn't think about that! [Releases Karkaroff] You got off easy this time, Foreigner!
Dumbledore: Hagrid, why don't you take Harry back up to the school. And Harry, leave this plot thread dangling for tonight—you can always investigate further tomorrow morning.
Harry: Of course!
[Hagrid goes up to the castle with Harry.]
Hagrid: I still don't know why you allowed yourself to wander alone with a foreigner like Krum. He could have hexed you!
Harry: What, you think he would hex me just because he's a foreigner?
Hagrid: Sure, why not? After all, Hogwarts exemplifies everything good and true and righteous in the Wizarding World; if these people were truly good, they would already be going to Hogwarts!
Harry: Well that makes sense....
Hagrid: You better believe it!
[So Harry says good-bye to Hagrid and makes his way back to his room, where Harry and Hermione are waiting for him.]
*A/N: Is it me or is this scene entirely pointless? It seems like it exists only to bluntly force the point that Snape is mean and that Harry would rather relay a message to Dumbledore than deal with him.
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Date: 2012-10-01 10:12 pm (UTC)ROFLMAO!
And yeah, I agree wrt to your author's note.
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Date: 2012-10-03 12:09 am (UTC)(no subject)
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