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Nov. 17th, 2006 07:52 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
ellecain.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
deathtocapslockUm, I figured I'd give this a shot, so here goes:
*And we kick off with Vernon Dursley roaring across the breakfast table at Harry. Yeah, just so you know, the Dursley's are quivering with fear of Harry's magical skillz turning them into fruitbats.
*Oh, and he's got bits of fried egg dangling from his moustache which is a clear indication of evil. As if the Chosen One would ever have parsley stuck between his teeth!
*Oh no, here we go again with the look-how-fat-Dudley-is jokes. Yep, all the usual trademarks -"massive", "bottom drooping over chair", etc. Hold on tight folks, we're still on the first page. Lots more to come.
*And Vernon unleashes the THE FORCE OF THE CAPSLOCK against Harry. Now I'm getting images of the two of them fighting it out for the CAPSLOCK POWER O' DOOM in Book 7. Previous winners of the trophy include Molly Weasley and Severus Snape.
*Ah, yes, forgot to mention, he sprayed spit all over the house. Bet he and Snape have a lot to talk about at those Spitters Anonymous meetings.
*Oh, and in case you missed it, all that thundering on behalf of his family when they're terrified of being turned into bats, is totally not brave at all.
*Uh, oh. Brace yourselves, for the Dreaded Exposition!
*Harry, misses everything about Hogwarts, except Snape. Yeah, Snape: the guy who saved his miserable arse only six months ago.
*What did the Dursleys care if Harry lost his place in the house Quidditch team because he hadn't practised all summer?
Oh, please, as if the Chosen One would have to suffer the indignity of tryouts!
*And the unbiased narrator tells us that Muggles are those with not a drop of magical blood in their veins
Wow, two books in and the prejudice is already leaking through. Remember kids, Harry is the Champion Defender of Muggle Rights!
*Harry looked nothing like the rest of the family
He resembled this other guy called Gary Stu.
*And the award of Greatest Dark Wizard of All Time goes to...Voldemort! Sorry Grindelwald, maybe next year.
*The Dursley's have ignored Harry's birthday completely. Wonder if this has something to do with that pig's tail their son got last year?
*Vernon Dursley cares about his business and the big order he might get. Caring about money, how depraved! Harry,because despite the fact that he has a pile of gold, is above such sordid things.
*Of course, since Harry has a small fortune to spend as he likes, he doesn't feel too excited about the Dursleys' financial gain.
*Harry should learn from Dudley. "We had a write an essay about our hero, Professor Dumbledore and I wrote about you". It would have got him far in OOtP.
*Harry enjoys muttering nonsense words and watching Dudley tear out of the room.
ZOMG, Bully!Harry came out of thin air in OOtP I tell ya! It was just the stress! He's not really a bully!
*He'd almost be glad of a sight of his arch-enemy Draco Malfoy just to make sure it hadn't all been a dream
At this point,H/D shippers die of collective squee. H/D OTP!!!1!
*FYI, Voldemort is still terrifying, still cunning, still determined to regain power. Remember Voldemort? The formless wisp that got pelted with snowballs while hiding under some guy's turban?
*Even now, Harry keeps waking up drenched in cold sweat dreaming of Voldie's mad red eyes. Wait a minute, that sounds like he's actually scared! Flash forward to HBP, when Harry's on all-systems-go mode hunting him down. THe fact that he can't do squat against Snape is of no importance, since he's not afraid of either of them.
*So you've finally learned the days of the week
Harry's Razor Sharp Wit strikes again!
*Dudley hitches up his trousers. What, because he's fat, he's too dumb to buy clothes that actually fit him?
*And Harry threatens to set the hedge on fire as a "moment of fun". Aww, he's just full of the power of love all right.
*And Harry gets the Cinderella Package of Manual Labour, complete with spreading manure on flowerbeds.
*Whipped Cream and Sugared Violets? Ugh, is that even a real dish? And is it just me or does that sound revoltingly sweet? (displays ignorance of Western desserts)
*Petunia wears a pink cocktail dress. She is thus cast beyond the point of redemption alongwith the likes of Pansy Parkinson.
*Harry closed the door and turned to collapse on his bed. The trouble was, Draco Malfoy someone was already sitting on it.
plz don't lynch me, it's my first time
*And we kick off with Vernon Dursley roaring across the breakfast table at Harry. Yeah, just so you know, the Dursley's are quivering with fear of Harry's magical skillz turning them into fruitbats.
*Oh, and he's got bits of fried egg dangling from his moustache which is a clear indication of evil. As if the Chosen One would ever have parsley stuck between his teeth!
*Oh no, here we go again with the look-how-fat-Dudley-is jokes. Yep, all the usual trademarks -"massive", "bottom drooping over chair", etc. Hold on tight folks, we're still on the first page. Lots more to come.
*And Vernon unleashes the THE FORCE OF THE CAPSLOCK against Harry. Now I'm getting images of the two of them fighting it out for the CAPSLOCK POWER O' DOOM in Book 7. Previous winners of the trophy include Molly Weasley and Severus Snape.
*Ah, yes, forgot to mention, he sprayed spit all over the house. Bet he and Snape have a lot to talk about at those Spitters Anonymous meetings.
*Oh, and in case you missed it, all that thundering on behalf of his family when they're terrified of being turned into bats, is totally not brave at all.
*Uh, oh. Brace yourselves, for the Dreaded Exposition!
*Harry, misses everything about Hogwarts, except Snape. Yeah, Snape: the guy who saved his miserable arse only six months ago.
*What did the Dursleys care if Harry lost his place in the house Quidditch team because he hadn't practised all summer?
Oh, please, as if the Chosen One would have to suffer the indignity of tryouts!
*And the unbiased narrator tells us that Muggles are those with not a drop of magical blood in their veins
Wow, two books in and the prejudice is already leaking through. Remember kids, Harry is the Champion Defender of Muggle Rights!
*Harry looked nothing like the rest of the family
He resembled this other guy called Gary Stu.
*And the award of Greatest Dark Wizard of All Time goes to...Voldemort! Sorry Grindelwald, maybe next year.
*The Dursley's have ignored Harry's birthday completely. Wonder if this has something to do with that pig's tail their son got last year?
*Vernon Dursley cares about his business and the big order he might get. Caring about money, how depraved! Harry,
*Of course, since Harry has a small fortune to spend as he likes, he doesn't feel too excited about the Dursleys' financial gain.
*Harry should learn from Dudley. "We had a write an essay about our hero, Professor Dumbledore and I wrote about you". It would have got him far in OOtP.
*Harry enjoys muttering nonsense words and watching Dudley tear out of the room.
ZOMG, Bully!Harry came out of thin air in OOtP I tell ya! It was just the stress! He's not really a bully!
*He'd almost be glad of a sight of his arch-enemy Draco Malfoy just to make sure it hadn't all been a dream
At this point,H/D shippers die of collective squee. H/D OTP!!!1!
*FYI, Voldemort is still terrifying, still cunning, still determined to regain power. Remember Voldemort? The formless wisp that got pelted with snowballs while hiding under some guy's turban?
*Even now, Harry keeps waking up drenched in cold sweat dreaming of Voldie's mad red eyes. Wait a minute, that sounds like he's actually scared! Flash forward to HBP, when Harry's on all-systems-go mode hunting him down. THe fact that he can't do squat against Snape is of no importance, since he's not afraid of either of them.
*So you've finally learned the days of the week
Harry's Razor Sharp Wit strikes again!
*Dudley hitches up his trousers. What, because he's fat, he's too dumb to buy clothes that actually fit him?
*And Harry threatens to set the hedge on fire as a "moment of fun". Aww, he's just full of the power of love all right.
*And Harry gets the Cinderella Package of Manual Labour, complete with spreading manure on flowerbeds.
*Whipped Cream and Sugared Violets? Ugh, is that even a real dish? And is it just me or does that sound revoltingly sweet? (displays ignorance of Western desserts)
*Petunia wears a pink cocktail dress. She is thus cast beyond the point of redemption alongwith the likes of Pansy Parkinson.
*Harry closed the door and turned to collapse on his bed. The trouble was,
plz don't lynch me, it's my first time
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