Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 4
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deathtocapslockMoody: As I was saying, Number 12 Grimmauld Place.
Harry: There’s a Number 12 here? I only see 11 and 13.
[Sure enough, Number 12 magically appears.]
Harry: It looks…decrepit.
Moody: Yes, but we’ve been making do with what we can get.
Harry: The lock has a snake on it. Are you sure this isn’t an evil Slytherin’s house?
Lupin: All will make sense once you get inside.
[Harry enters the house with Moody, who lifts the Disillusionment charm before lighting the room]
Harry: I don’t like this place—it’s musty and there’s too many snake motifs.
[But just then, Mrs. Weasley appeared!]
Mrs. Weasley: Harry! [Hugs Harry] I’m so glad to see you!
Harry: Oh, joy! Mrs. Weasley is here! Now she’s going to direct me to Ron and all my questions will be answered to my satisfaction!
Mrs. Weasley: Harry, I’m about to engage in a plot-important meeting with these men here. Be a dear and stay in your room.
Harry: How am I supposed to go to sleep when I’ve just been whisked away from my evil abusive relatives and fallen into the arms of friends?
Mrs. Weasley: Well, at let me show you to your room. Just do us a favor and stay away from the plot-relevant conversation we’re about to have.
Harry: But this plot directly concerns me!
Mrs. Weasley: If you’ve got a problem with that you can capslock about it to my son.
[Mrs. Weasley leads Harry to his bedroom, past a number of stuffed house elf heads.]
Harry: Well this house just got even creepier than it already was!
[Mrs. Weasley drops off Harry in a dingy bedroom where he finds Ron and Hermione!]
Hermione: Harry! You’ve finally made it! Oh, before you ask, the lack of information we’ve been giving you wasn’t our fault. Dumbledore made us swear not to tell you. Yes, that Dumbledore.
Harry: Hermione, am I going to be expelled?
Hermione: Legally they shouldn’t be able to, but the Ministry’s so corrupt that who really knows?
Ron: I hope I’m not interrupting anything?
Harry: Wow, Ron—you’re really growing up. You’re so much taller and more awkward-looking than you used to be!
Ron: Any chance I’ll become cooler once I get through puberty?
Harry: I wouldn’t count on it.
Ron: Well, at least I’ll be fun at beach parties. In London. [Sighs] Anyway, Harry, I’d like to politely request that you put down that crazy owl of yours at once.
Harry: Put down my dear Hedwig?! Don’t say such cruel things—she will die at the most appropriately dramatic moment, thank you very much!
Ron: But she nearly pecked me to death!
Harry: Well maybe if you had written me those stupid letters like I said I wouldn’t have had to make her do that!
Ron: It’s not like we kept them from you on purpose—Dumbledore made us! He insisted it was for your safety!
Harry: My safety?! I was the one who was attacked by Dementors!
Ron: Look, it’s not our fault the person we’d sent to tail you turned out to be a miserable incompetent--!
Harry: You mean you knew about this scheme and you didn’t tell me?!
Ron: We told you before, we wanted to tell you but Dumbledore made us keep you in the dark! He was the one who didn’t want you to know any of this stuff!
Harry: Oh, but it’s perfectly okay for the two of you to know everything? I’m such a delicate flower that I can’t handle it, but you two can?!
Ron: But we don’t know everything either!
Harry: YEAH, WELL I DESERVE TO KNOW MORE! I’M THE GUY ON WHICH THIS WHOLE STUPID PLOT HINGES SO WHY AM I THE LAST TO KNOW?!
Ron: Oh, no—he’s going off the deep end.
Harry: DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT I’VE BEEN STUCK AT THE HOUSE OF MY HORRIBLE ABUSIVE AUNT AND UNCLE NOT KNOWING ANYTHING, AND HOW MUCH PAIN HAS BEEN ALLOWED TO FESTER IN MY SOUL?!
Hermione: It’s begun.
Harry: DAMMIT, I’LL CAPSLOCK AT YOU IF I WANT! CAPSLOCKING IS THE ONLY WAY I HAVE OF RELIEVING THIS TORTURED PAIN INSIDE OF ME!
Ron: Don’t you think you’re overreacting just a little?
Harry: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW?! MY LIFE SUCKS WAY MORE THAN YOURS DOES, ALWAYS HAS, AND ALWAYS WILL! IT’S NOT FAAAAAAIR THAT THE TWO OF YOU GET TO SPEND ALL THIS TIME TOGETHER AND I WAS JUST BROUGHT HERE NOW!
Hermione: Okay, we get the idea! How long is it going to take before it sinks in that none of this is our fault and that we’re not the ones you should be capslocking at?!
Harry: THEN WHO!?
Ron: The…Order of the Phoenix, perhaps?
Harry: Come to think of it, just who are they and what kind of place is this? Tell the truth or else!
Hermione: The Order of the Phoenix is an organization formed by Dumbledore to fight Voldemort. This place is its headquarters.
Harry: And just who all is in this Order of the Phoenix?
Hermione: We don’t know for sure, but we have a rough idea.
Ron: Thanks primarily to some inventions by Gred and Forge which they call Extendable Ears. Too bad my mother made them put them away….
Hermione: That said, we do know that they’ve been doing things like monitor known Death Eaters and stalk you. Or something. They talk about “guard duty” a lot….
Harry: And you two? You haven’t been having great sex without me?
Hermione: Oh, no—we’ve just been cleaning!
Harry: Cleaning? Do you, like, have to wear a costume?
Ron: No….
Harry: Aww…it’d cheer me up so much to see the two of you in French maid dresses….
Ron: Even me?
Harry: Yes, even you.
[Just then, Fred and George appear out of nowhere!]
George: I see the Hero of Capslocking has arrived.
Harry: It’s not my fault I have such a tortured soul that it leads me to capslock.
Fred: By the way, we can apparate now, so we’ve been finding all sorts of new ways to piss off our mother and little brother like the jackasses we are! Oh, and trying to spy on our mother with Extendable Ears!
[Right at that moment, Ginny comes on the scene.]
Ginny: Harry! Can I screw you—ah, I mean, hug you?
Harry: Maybe some other time.
Ginny: Oh, whatever. Fred, George, it looks like your Extendable Ear plans have been foiled—our mother has enchanted the door to keep any interference out. I’ve been throwing dung bombs at it forever now, and they haven’t even made an impression.
Fred: Aww, and this was proving to be a juicy meeting—with Snape!
Harry: Oh my god, Snape is in the building! And he’s, like, having a normal conversation with people I like!
George: Yes, but good luck trying to learn anything about what exactly he’s talking about.
Harry: Oh, no! Does this mean I have to accept that Snape isn’t actually pure evil?
Hermione: Well, yes. We knew the day would come, didn’t we?
Ron: Doesn’t mean we have to like it….
Ginny: Well, at least Bill, the cool older brother, doesn’t like him.
Fred: Oh, yeah—that’s another development to keep track of. Fleur is working in England now and she’s made Bill her friend with benefits. Because that’s what French women do, don’t you know?
George: Charlie, meanwhile, is trying to drum up support for our cause in Romania. It’s best not to think about why the Romanian wizards would have any reason to care about us when we basically treat Hungary, the country to their west, as the last bastion of civilization.*
Harry: So, what about Percy? Has he been giving you trouble lately?
Ron: Trouble ain’t the half of it! He’s deserted our family and accepted a promotion from Fudge! Because he’s an ambitious little snot!
Harry: Wow! What a traitor!
Fred: Especially since the Ministry adopted the position that Dumbledore is mad, and so are you. They won’t let it go, either, even though you’re the main character and that everything you say is right by definition!
Harry: The indignity!
Hermione: And to make matters worse, the Daily Prophet people believed Rita Skeeter and are copying her example of slandering your good name in every other paper! As if you actually reveled in your celebrity status!
Harry: Yeah, as if! Anyone can see how tortured I am by this constant fame and attention and how much I’d rather be a normal person!
Hermione: Oh, by the way, they still haven’t reported the Dementors’ attacking you.
Harry: Scum! Scum of the earth, I say!
[Mrs. Weasley comes up to see them]
Mrs. Weasley: Dinner’s ready! By the way, someone left dung bombs by the door I specifically warded against eavesdroppers. That wouldn’t have been one of you kids, would it?
Ginny: Not at all! It was Crookshanks! Yeah, that’s right!
Mrs. Weasley: [Dryly] Really? I thought it might be Kreacher. Well, clean yourselves up and come eat. [Leaves]
Harry: Kreacher? Who’s that?
Ron: He’s the house elf who lives in this place. Just don’t make eye contact with him.
Hermione: Well that’s not very nice.
Ron: It’s not my fault he’s a slimy racist!
Hermione: Maybe it’s not his fault either?
Ron: Something tells me we’re due for a loooooong bout of trouble with this elf.
[They go out the door…]
Ron: It may still be possible to catch the tail end of their conversation with some Extendable Ears.
[But when they try to use them, they don’t learn anything of import.]
Fred: Oh, well—better timing next time.
[Just as everyone’s heading through the hall to the kitchen, Tonks knocks over something with a loud CRASH!]
Tonks: Ehehe…sorry.
[And then a pair of suspicious curtains flies open to reveal a screaming portrait!]
Portrait: I HATE MUDBLOODS FOR THEY ARE SCUM! ALSO I’M EVIL! DID I MENTION I’M EVIL AND BIGOTED AND THINK MUDBLOODS ARE FILTH AND SCUM AND ALL THAT?!
Sirius: Here, let me handle this! [Covers the portrait]
Harry: Wow! Look at that—so brave! No evil portrait will ever stand in his way! …I may have a new memory to practice my patronus to.
Sirius: The spectre of my mother haunts me even in death. Well, time for dinner!
*No, this is never actually stated in the book. According to my mother, this was the prevailing mentality that existed in old-fashioned novels like Dracula, so I decided it would be in-character for the British wizards.
Harry: There’s a Number 12 here? I only see 11 and 13.
[Sure enough, Number 12 magically appears.]
Harry: It looks…decrepit.
Moody: Yes, but we’ve been making do with what we can get.
Harry: The lock has a snake on it. Are you sure this isn’t an evil Slytherin’s house?
Lupin: All will make sense once you get inside.
[Harry enters the house with Moody, who lifts the Disillusionment charm before lighting the room]
Harry: I don’t like this place—it’s musty and there’s too many snake motifs.
[But just then, Mrs. Weasley appeared!]
Mrs. Weasley: Harry! [Hugs Harry] I’m so glad to see you!
Harry: Oh, joy! Mrs. Weasley is here! Now she’s going to direct me to Ron and all my questions will be answered to my satisfaction!
Mrs. Weasley: Harry, I’m about to engage in a plot-important meeting with these men here. Be a dear and stay in your room.
Harry: How am I supposed to go to sleep when I’ve just been whisked away from my evil abusive relatives and fallen into the arms of friends?
Mrs. Weasley: Well, at let me show you to your room. Just do us a favor and stay away from the plot-relevant conversation we’re about to have.
Harry: But this plot directly concerns me!
Mrs. Weasley: If you’ve got a problem with that you can capslock about it to my son.
[Mrs. Weasley leads Harry to his bedroom, past a number of stuffed house elf heads.]
Harry: Well this house just got even creepier than it already was!
[Mrs. Weasley drops off Harry in a dingy bedroom where he finds Ron and Hermione!]
Hermione: Harry! You’ve finally made it! Oh, before you ask, the lack of information we’ve been giving you wasn’t our fault. Dumbledore made us swear not to tell you. Yes, that Dumbledore.
Harry: Hermione, am I going to be expelled?
Hermione: Legally they shouldn’t be able to, but the Ministry’s so corrupt that who really knows?
Ron: I hope I’m not interrupting anything?
Harry: Wow, Ron—you’re really growing up. You’re so much taller and more awkward-looking than you used to be!
Ron: Any chance I’ll become cooler once I get through puberty?
Harry: I wouldn’t count on it.
Ron: Well, at least I’ll be fun at beach parties. In London. [Sighs] Anyway, Harry, I’d like to politely request that you put down that crazy owl of yours at once.
Harry: Put down my dear Hedwig?! Don’t say such cruel things—she will die at the most appropriately dramatic moment, thank you very much!
Ron: But she nearly pecked me to death!
Harry: Well maybe if you had written me those stupid letters like I said I wouldn’t have had to make her do that!
Ron: It’s not like we kept them from you on purpose—Dumbledore made us! He insisted it was for your safety!
Harry: My safety?! I was the one who was attacked by Dementors!
Ron: Look, it’s not our fault the person we’d sent to tail you turned out to be a miserable incompetent--!
Harry: You mean you knew about this scheme and you didn’t tell me?!
Ron: We told you before, we wanted to tell you but Dumbledore made us keep you in the dark! He was the one who didn’t want you to know any of this stuff!
Harry: Oh, but it’s perfectly okay for the two of you to know everything? I’m such a delicate flower that I can’t handle it, but you two can?!
Ron: But we don’t know everything either!
Harry: YEAH, WELL I DESERVE TO KNOW MORE! I’M THE GUY ON WHICH THIS WHOLE STUPID PLOT HINGES SO WHY AM I THE LAST TO KNOW?!
Ron: Oh, no—he’s going off the deep end.
Harry: DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT I’VE BEEN STUCK AT THE HOUSE OF MY HORRIBLE ABUSIVE AUNT AND UNCLE NOT KNOWING ANYTHING, AND HOW MUCH PAIN HAS BEEN ALLOWED TO FESTER IN MY SOUL?!
Hermione: It’s begun.
Harry: DAMMIT, I’LL CAPSLOCK AT YOU IF I WANT! CAPSLOCKING IS THE ONLY WAY I HAVE OF RELIEVING THIS TORTURED PAIN INSIDE OF ME!
Ron: Don’t you think you’re overreacting just a little?
Harry: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW?! MY LIFE SUCKS WAY MORE THAN YOURS DOES, ALWAYS HAS, AND ALWAYS WILL! IT’S NOT FAAAAAAIR THAT THE TWO OF YOU GET TO SPEND ALL THIS TIME TOGETHER AND I WAS JUST BROUGHT HERE NOW!
Hermione: Okay, we get the idea! How long is it going to take before it sinks in that none of this is our fault and that we’re not the ones you should be capslocking at?!
Harry: THEN WHO!?
Ron: The…Order of the Phoenix, perhaps?
Harry: Come to think of it, just who are they and what kind of place is this? Tell the truth or else!
Hermione: The Order of the Phoenix is an organization formed by Dumbledore to fight Voldemort. This place is its headquarters.
Harry: And just who all is in this Order of the Phoenix?
Hermione: We don’t know for sure, but we have a rough idea.
Ron: Thanks primarily to some inventions by Gred and Forge which they call Extendable Ears. Too bad my mother made them put them away….
Hermione: That said, we do know that they’ve been doing things like monitor known Death Eaters and stalk you. Or something. They talk about “guard duty” a lot….
Harry: And you two? You haven’t been having great sex without me?
Hermione: Oh, no—we’ve just been cleaning!
Harry: Cleaning? Do you, like, have to wear a costume?
Ron: No….
Harry: Aww…it’d cheer me up so much to see the two of you in French maid dresses….
Ron: Even me?
Harry: Yes, even you.
[Just then, Fred and George appear out of nowhere!]
George: I see the Hero of Capslocking has arrived.
Harry: It’s not my fault I have such a tortured soul that it leads me to capslock.
Fred: By the way, we can apparate now, so we’ve been finding all sorts of new ways to piss off our mother and little brother like the jackasses we are! Oh, and trying to spy on our mother with Extendable Ears!
[Right at that moment, Ginny comes on the scene.]
Ginny: Harry! Can I screw you—ah, I mean, hug you?
Harry: Maybe some other time.
Ginny: Oh, whatever. Fred, George, it looks like your Extendable Ear plans have been foiled—our mother has enchanted the door to keep any interference out. I’ve been throwing dung bombs at it forever now, and they haven’t even made an impression.
Fred: Aww, and this was proving to be a juicy meeting—with Snape!
Harry: Oh my god, Snape is in the building! And he’s, like, having a normal conversation with people I like!
George: Yes, but good luck trying to learn anything about what exactly he’s talking about.
Harry: Oh, no! Does this mean I have to accept that Snape isn’t actually pure evil?
Hermione: Well, yes. We knew the day would come, didn’t we?
Ron: Doesn’t mean we have to like it….
Ginny: Well, at least Bill, the cool older brother, doesn’t like him.
Fred: Oh, yeah—that’s another development to keep track of. Fleur is working in England now and she’s made Bill her friend with benefits. Because that’s what French women do, don’t you know?
George: Charlie, meanwhile, is trying to drum up support for our cause in Romania. It’s best not to think about why the Romanian wizards would have any reason to care about us when we basically treat Hungary, the country to their west, as the last bastion of civilization.*
Harry: So, what about Percy? Has he been giving you trouble lately?
Ron: Trouble ain’t the half of it! He’s deserted our family and accepted a promotion from Fudge! Because he’s an ambitious little snot!
Harry: Wow! What a traitor!
Fred: Especially since the Ministry adopted the position that Dumbledore is mad, and so are you. They won’t let it go, either, even though you’re the main character and that everything you say is right by definition!
Harry: The indignity!
Hermione: And to make matters worse, the Daily Prophet people believed Rita Skeeter and are copying her example of slandering your good name in every other paper! As if you actually reveled in your celebrity status!
Harry: Yeah, as if! Anyone can see how tortured I am by this constant fame and attention and how much I’d rather be a normal person!
Hermione: Oh, by the way, they still haven’t reported the Dementors’ attacking you.
Harry: Scum! Scum of the earth, I say!
[Mrs. Weasley comes up to see them]
Mrs. Weasley: Dinner’s ready! By the way, someone left dung bombs by the door I specifically warded against eavesdroppers. That wouldn’t have been one of you kids, would it?
Ginny: Not at all! It was Crookshanks! Yeah, that’s right!
Mrs. Weasley: [Dryly] Really? I thought it might be Kreacher. Well, clean yourselves up and come eat. [Leaves]
Harry: Kreacher? Who’s that?
Ron: He’s the house elf who lives in this place. Just don’t make eye contact with him.
Hermione: Well that’s not very nice.
Ron: It’s not my fault he’s a slimy racist!
Hermione: Maybe it’s not his fault either?
Ron: Something tells me we’re due for a loooooong bout of trouble with this elf.
[They go out the door…]
Ron: It may still be possible to catch the tail end of their conversation with some Extendable Ears.
[But when they try to use them, they don’t learn anything of import.]
Fred: Oh, well—better timing next time.
[Just as everyone’s heading through the hall to the kitchen, Tonks knocks over something with a loud CRASH!]
Tonks: Ehehe…sorry.
[And then a pair of suspicious curtains flies open to reveal a screaming portrait!]
Portrait: I HATE MUDBLOODS FOR THEY ARE SCUM! ALSO I’M EVIL! DID I MENTION I’M EVIL AND BIGOTED AND THINK MUDBLOODS ARE FILTH AND SCUM AND ALL THAT?!
Sirius: Here, let me handle this! [Covers the portrait]
Harry: Wow! Look at that—so brave! No evil portrait will ever stand in his way! …I may have a new memory to practice my patronus to.
Sirius: The spectre of my mother haunts me even in death. Well, time for dinner!
*No, this is never actually stated in the book. According to my mother, this was the prevailing mentality that existed in old-fashioned novels like Dracula, so I decided it would be in-character for the British wizards.
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