deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 10 (Reply)

I'm really sorry I haven't put anything new out in so long. Since I'm on break, here's another chapter—the one where we meet Luna, to be precise!

[The next day, everyone rushes to get ready for the trip to school!]

Fred and George: Let's just bewitch our trunks to fly so we don't have to carry them!

[They bewitch the trunks, and one of them flies into Ginny.]

Ginny: I'll get you for thiiiiiiis!

Mrs. Weasley: NOT MY DAUGHTER YOU BASTARDS!

Fred: Oh, save it for the seventh installment.

George: Totally. Especially since we're your children too.

Hermione: Oh, by the way, Harry, Mad-Eye Moody is freaking out because your guard is one short.

Harry: I have to have a guard?!

Hermione: You seem surprised.

Harry: But...but...I thought Voldemort was far, far away from anyplace he could hurt me! [Cries] Why does everyone treat me like I'm some fragile flower?!

Hermione: Well you do tend to act like it.

Harry: Shut up—I do not!

Hermione: Whatever....

Mrs. Weasley: IT'S TIME TO GO, PEOPLE! DON'T WANT TO MISS THE TRAIN!

Hermione: Coming!

[Hermione dashes out of the room, with Harry behind her.]

[Downstairs, Harry sees Sirius in his dog form.]

Harry: Yay! My dogfather's going to come with us!

Mrs. Weasley: No, he's not coming with us because it's dangerous.

Sirius: Oh, pretty please with sugar and cherries on top? [Wags tail]

Mrs. Weasley: Wagging your tail? What's next, are you going to give me puppy dog eyes?

Sirius: [Makes puppy dog eyes]

Mrs. Weasley: No! I didn't mean that!

Sirius: [Makes harder puppy dog eyes] I'm just going to keep doing this until you say yes.

Mrs. Weasley: Okay, you win. But if you get yourself discovered and killed, don't blame me.

[They walk to King's Cross station...]

Lee Jordan: Harry, you have such a beautiful dog! Where did you get it from?

Harry: You mean you don't know? This here's a plot-relevant dog!

Lee Jordan: Any chance I'll be in on this plot?

Harry: No.

Lee Jordan: Come on! I'm just itching for my own subplot!

Harry: You're just like all those other people who act nice to me just so they can get screen time. Go publish news reports about how awesome I am, or something. Or...you're a trickster like Fred and George, right? Go find a quirky way of making sure I don't get expelled by the horrible, oppressive system that will no doubt await me wherever I go.

Lee Jordan: You're no fun....

[Everyone reconvenes and says their goodbyes...]

Moody: By the way, don't write anything in a letter that could even be remotely construed as suspicious. That's asking to get carted off to Azkaban and tortured!

Tonks: Well...it was great getting to know all of you, anyway.

[They board the train, and Sirius watches as Harry leaves]

Ron: By the way, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Hermione and I have to go to the prefect's compartment to screw—ah, I mean, report to the Head Boy and Girl. And now, you're...you're...leaving me?! [Cries]

Hermione: Harry, we'll try to come back to you when we can. I don't think we need to be there the entire trip.

Harry: But...but...don't leave me! I don't wanna be aloooooone! [Weeps buckets]

Ron: It's not like I'd do it if I didn't have to! Honest! I'm only doing it because the establishment's making me!

Harry: [Cheers up at once] That's the Ron I know and love! Well, come back to me when you can.

Ginny: In any case, you have me! Your future wife!

[Harry and Ginny search for a compartment, and come across Neville, who's doing the same thing.]

Harry: Hello Navel.

Neville: My name is not Navel! Gah!

Harry: Whatever. Have you found a compartment?

Neville: Well, no...but...by the way, any chance I'll actually become an important character one of these days?

Harry: Well...if you have an insane amount of luck....

Ginny: Why don't you sit with my friend, Loony Lovegood?

Neville: Who?

Ginny: Loony Lovegood, my friend the inferior Ravenclaw. Here, I'll introduce you two!

[She leads Harry and Neville to a compartment where a strange blonde girl is seated, reading a magazine upside-down.]

Luna: Hello. I'm Luna Lovegood, JKR's failed attempt at writing a hipster. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Harry Potter. [to Neville] Who are you?

Neville: N-nobody's ever asked me for my name before! I'm totally shocked!

Ginny: He's Navel Longbottom.

Neville: My name is NEVILLE, it isn't NAVEL!

Ginny: It isn't Navel after all? But that's what my brother calls you all the time!

Neville: Your brother is an asshole and a moron!

Luna: It's nice to meet you, Neville.

Neville: You...you actually said my name correctly! [Faints from happiness]

Luna: And they call me weird. [Resumes reading magazine]

[Later, Neville shows the others his birthday present.]

Neville: This is a special kind of plant called a Mimbulus mimbletonia. Just in case you'd forgotten how much I loved plants.

Harry: But...it's so ugly and gross!

Neville: But it can do so many tricks! Watch this! [He prods the plant, and it shoots foul-smelling goo everywhere]

Harry: What kind of trick is that?!

Neville: Just the sort of thing you see everywhere at Hogwarts.

[Just then, Cho Chang knocks on the door!]

Harry: Gee, thanks Navel—you've just made me look bad in front of my lady love!

Neville: My name is not Navel! And you and I both know that since she's an inferior Ravenclaw your love will never last!

Luna: I'm right here!

Cho: What's happening here? Is everything alright?

Harry: Oh, yes! Everything's fine! I'm just perfecting my wizard manhood by soaking myself in disgusting juice! I meant to do it, really!

Cho: Well...you do that, then.... [Leaves]

Ginny: Have you seriously forgotten Scourgify? Here, allow me! [Cleans cabin] See, was that so hard?

Harry: Well you are looking at two of the most useless wizards who ever lived.

Neville: Hey, who are you calling useless?!

Harry: Well you are!

Neville: You say that now, but one day, my time will come.

[Sometime later, after the food trolley comes by, Ron and Hermione reemerge and join their friends.]

Ron: By the way, Draco Malfoy is a Slytherin prefect now!

Hermione: Him and Pansy Parkinson. I guess because she's the only female Slytherin whose name we can remember.

Ron: By the way, the Hufflepuffs have Ernie Macmillan and Hannah Abbot...no doubt because they're the only ones whose names we remember too....

Harry: At least that jerk Justin Finch-Fletchley didn't get it! He was so meeeeean to me back in Book 2!

Hermione: For the record, the Ravenclaw prefects are Anthony Goldstein and Padma Patil, because all Jews and Indians are nerds, I guess....

Luna: Oh, Padma Patil! Ron, didn't you go to the dance with her?

Ron: Well, yes.... She turned out to be so boring and temperamental, though.

Luna: She says the exact same thing about you, you know.

Ron: It's all her fault! She just didn't realize how awesome I was! [Cries]

Luna: If it helps, I never really liked dancing either. I'd rather collect plot devices and read offbeat magazines. Which are also plot devices.

Harry: Ooh! We have a useful one here! Luna, will you be my friend?

Luna: I'll be your friend if you don't mind my creeping on you every so often. Because, y'know, I'm just socially awkward like that.

Harry: I'll do anything for the friendship of someone with access to so many plot devices! I'll tolerate any deed, no matter how perverse!

Everyone else: …

Ron: Let's change the subject. Now that I'm a prefect I can punish people for misbehaving! I think I'll go misuse my authority to make Crabbe's and Goyle's lives a living hell!

Hermione: You can't do that.

Ron: I can, and I will. Anyway, Malfoy will be doing the exact same thing. I'd be a damned fool not to.

Harry: By the way, Luna, since we are now friends, care to let me borrow your magazine?

Luna: Sure, sure! Anything for a new convert to the Quibbler way! [Hands over her magazine]

Harry: This magazine is filled with crazy conspiracy theories. It seems to think Cornelius Fudge has baked goblins in pies for no reason, and that Sirius is actually a singer named Stubby Boardman.

Hermione: And crazy conspiracy theories are all they are. Ignore them—they disregard the Logics and Facts thus they're worthless.

Luna: My father edits that magazine!

Hermione: ...Did I say the magazine was worthless? I meant...ah...it's worthy entertainment! That is to say, worth its weight in gold!

Luna: Gimme a break, I've come across so many others like you that I know what you're trying to do. [Retrieves magazine from Harry]

[Just then, Draco Malfoy comes on the scene!]

Draco: So, I'm a prefect now, which means I can punish people. Bet you wish YOU could punish people, Harry Potter!

Harry: I will never envy you, for you are an asshole and I am a hero!

Draco: Not even if you consider that your friend Ron Weasley is in a position of power and you aren't?

Harry: WHY IS MY LIFE SO UNFAIR—ah, I mean, I've made my peace with it. I've...totally accepted it with good grace for he is my bestest best friend.

Hermione: Draco, get out of here!

Draco: Oh, Harry, I'll be DOGGING your footsteps for the entire rest of the year! And of course by dogging I mean I know all about--!

Hermione: [Stands up] That's it! Get out right now or I'll bake you in a pie!

Draco: Aaaaah! [Runs away, with Crabbe and Goyle close behind]

Goyle: Wow, she's scary!

Harry: By the way, didn't Draco call an awful lot of attention to the word “dogging?” I wonder what this could mean?

Hermione: I'm sure it's nothing. He was just being a jerk, like he always is.

Harry: Oh, don't be so nonchalant! He knows all about Sirius, and he and his father are going to have him killed!

Luna: And you think I'm the one with the crazy conspiracy theories?

[In due course, they arrive at Hogwarts.]

Luna: Harry, why don't I carry that little owl, so you don't have to work as hard?

Harry: I would love it if you'd do that! Thank you, my friend.

[Upon disembarking, Harry immediately notices that something is afoot.]

Harry: Something's very wrong! Where's Hagrid? I don't see him anywhere! Why isn't he helping the first-years?!

Professor Grubbly-Plank: First-years, follow me! Why I'm in charge of you I have no idea, as I'm only the substitute teacher for Care of Magical Creatures; but I feel like there's some rather unfortunate implications here.

Ginny: I don't know where Hagrid is, but keep walking so you don't block the door!

Harry: Crap, there I was, paralyzed my my fear for my friend's safety.

[They walk to the carriages, which Harry now sees are pulled by great skeletal horses with bat wings.]

Harry: AAAAAAAH! THOSE HORSES SCARE MEEEEEE!

Ron: Incidentally, Harry, have you seen Pigwidgeon anywhere?

Harry: Oh, I gave him to Luna, our new friend.

Ron: And you did it without even asking my permission, seeing as he's my owl?

Harry: So? I'm the main character—my decisions are always the right ones!

Ron: Except when they're not!

Hermione: Harry, Ron! Did you know that Draco is using his badge as an excuse to bully first-years and make sure he gets the best carriage?

Harry: That slimeball! Does he not have a modicum of decency?

Hermione: If I had to guess, I would say, no. He's a stereotype through and through.

Harry: By the way, what do you make of those big, evil-looking horses?

Ron: What big, evil-looking horses?

Harry: You mean...you don't see them?!

Ron: See what?

Harry: AAAAAAUGH NOW I'M SEEING THINGS?! WHY MUST ALL HARDSHIPS BE VISITED ON ME?!

[Just then, Luna appears with Pigwidgeon]

Harry: Luna, Luna! Am I going crazy? I see giant skeletal horses pulling this carriage that none of my friends can see!

Luna: Oh, those horses? Yeah, I see them too!

Harry: Luna, I can already tell I'll be proud to call you my friend!