Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 11
Dec. 9th, 2013 02:12 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[They approach the castle]
Ginny: By the way, I’ve seen Professor Grubbly-Plank but no Hagrid. What do you suppose happened to him? Do you think he left?
Luna: I sure hope so. He’s a terrible teacher.
Harry: How dare you insult the great Hagrid on my watch!
Ron: Yeah!
Ginny: Yeah, what they said!
Hermione: Well, actually, Luna has a point—
Harry: How dare you take her side instead of mine!
Hermione: Sorry….
Luna: No, really. He doesn’t teach us anything—all he does is show us dangerous animals that try to kill us. We Ravenclaws do not approve.
Ron: Nobody likes you Ravenclaws! We Gryffindors do approve so that’s all that matters!
Luna: Oh, brother….
[As they approach Hogwarts Harry keeps a weather eye out for Hagrid’s hut.]
Harry: Hagrid’s hut is completely dark? What could this meeeeeean?
[They enter the Great Hall…]
Harry: Everyone’s staring at me and whispering about me behind my back! Why do they hate me so much?! What did I ever do to them!? [Cries]
[Harry sits down with Ron and Hermione]
Harry: I don’t see Hagrid at the staff table.
Ron: This is bad. Where could he be?
Hermione: Maybe he did something so stupid he ended up dead!
Harry: Don’t joke about that! Maybe…maybe he’s on a mission from Dumbledore. Yeah, that’s right. Dumbledore said he would be doing something.
Ron: Yeah…that must be it.
Hermione: By the way, who’s that evil-looking lady? [Points to Professor Umbridge]
Harry: Oh shit—it’s Doris Rumbridge!
Hermione: Who?
Harry: She’s…in the Ministry of Magic somehow. She was at my hearing, where she acted really creepy.
Hermione: So I guess she’s going to be a new villain we have to face.
Harry: something like that, probably.
[Shortly afterward, the first-years enter, followed by McGonagall and the Sorting Hat.]
Sorting Hat: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I shall sing a song to you about the importance of unity and maintaining the good names of the houses this school’s founders worked so hard to create. After all, a…school divided cannot stand.*
Hermione: Why is the Sorting Hat quoting an American muggle?
Harry: I’m guessing it’s to cheapen the message he sends, which will be forgotten by the end of the last book anyway.
Ron: No, but seriously, I don’t think the Sorting Hat’s ever given us advice before.
Nearly Headless Nick: Well, if the situation is dire, the hat sometimes will give advice.
[The first-years are sorted…]
Dumbledore: Alright, I’m going to skip the speech this year and let you start eating right away. Because I’m such a nice headmaster.
Harry: I’ll say you are! [Swoons]
Hermione: So…anyway, Nick, what were you saying about the hat?
Nick: What I just said. If the situation is dire, and the school is in danger, the hat will tell the students to unite and be strong.
Ron: But…how can the hat know the school’s in danger? It’s a hat?
Nick: Thank you for resisting the urge to talk with food in your mouth.
Ron: I’m not a complete slob, you know. [Winks]
Nick: It probably picks up some news from Dumbledore, seeing as it lives in his office.
Harry: But…why would the hat ask us to be friends? Doesn’t it understand that the reality of the situation is that each of the houses hates the other one? Like, how am I supposed to be friends with Draco Malfoy? He’s pure evil!
Nick: You’re thinking too black-and-white. We ghosts get along with one another. I get along with the Bloody Baron.
Ron: You’re scared of the Bloody Baron.
Nick: I am not scared! Hmph!
Harry: I’m just gonna eat my treacle tart and ignore you….
[After the meal is over…]
Dumbledore: Alright, so I’m just going to give you one final speech and say that the forests are out of bounds…unless you’re Harry Potter and friends…and also we have two new teachers. Professor Grubbly-Plank will be teaching Care of Magical Creatures until further notice, and Dolores Umbridge will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts.
Umbridge: Thank you, Dumbledore—now if you don’t mind I’ll be speaking.
Dumbledore: …You will?
Harry: HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY ANGEL WHEN HE’S TRYING TO SPEAK!
Umbridge: [to Harry] Nobody asked you! [to audience] Alright, my name is Dolores Umbridge. Make fun of my name at your peril! [Shifty eyes] Ahem, anyway, I’m looking forward to the opportunity to torture—ah, I mean, meet you all.
Harry: She sounds girlish and stupid, interrupts Dumbledore, and intends to give a boring speech. I can already tell she’s going to be evil.
Umbridge: I came to this school with one simple goal: to be eviler and more girlish than anyone else this school has ever seen—oops, I mean, I’m here to encourage progress, but not progress for its own sake. Instead I will bore you all to death and then kill you all—I mean, I’ll be encouraging the evolution of our curriculum for the greater good of all, and when I’m done I’ll torture Harry Potter just to—ah, I mean, I’ll prune practices which ought to be prohibited by throwing anyone who opposes me into Azkaban for no real—I mean, I’ll seize control over this school with an iron fist, and—no, no, that’s not what I meant to say…. [Looks over crowd] Is…is anyone still paying attention? [Pause] They’ve…they’ve all fallen asleep, or started chatting with their friends. Why do they always do that? Oh, well—I think I’ll sing a song.
[insert “When You’re Evil” video]
Hermione: Are you serious? What, are you trying to make yourself look eviler than Voldemort?
Umbridge: [to self] Oh, no—she’s discovered my secret! [to crowd] Ah…who wants to hear about my exploits in the famous movie Shakespeare in Love? [Pause] No? You children are no fun! [Sits down]
Hermione: So…how many of you were actually paying attention?
Harry: It wasn’t being said by my perfect man Dumbledore so I lost interest.
Hermione: Did you at least pick up on the fact that she was evil and meddlesome?
Harry: I could tell she was evil from the moment I first laid eyes on her—I didn’t need a boring old speech to tell me that!
Hermione: Oh, by the way, Ron, we need to help the first-years find the common room.
Ron: Sounds good to me. HEY ALL YOU MIDGET FIRST YEAR BABIES! COME TO US AND WE’LL SHOW YOU WHERE TO GO!
Hermione: Wow…tactless much? First years! Come to us!
Ron: But they do look very small. Oh no! I’m getting old!
Harry: They’re…they’re all staring at me and whispering about me! WAAAAAH! Everyone hates me because of what I went through last year! Why can’t they see that I’m the one who suffered as a result?!
[Harry exist the Great Hall and goes to the portrait outside Gryffindor tower, but he doesn’t remember the password.]
Neville: I know it, I know it! It’s Mimbulus mimbletonia!
Fat Lady: Congratulations, Navel—you’ve done something right for once!
Neville: My name is not Navel! ARGH!
[They enter the common room, where they run into Dean and Seamus.]
Harry: So, how was your holiday?
Dean: Mine was fine, but Seamus’s wasn’t.
Harry: Why not?
Dean: You can ask him yourself.
Seamus: Well…it’s because my mother didn’t want me to come back to Hogwarts, because she's scared of you and thinks Dumbledore’s crazy! There, I said it!
Harry: HOW DARE SHE?! THAT BITCH HATES ME FOR NO REASON AT ALL! NONE I TELL YOU!
Seamus: So…what exactly did happen to you in that graveyard anyway?
Harry: IF YOU HAVE TO ASK YOU DON’T DESERVE TO KNOW! JUST SWALLOW EVERYTHING THE DAILY PROPHET SAYS ABOUT ME LIKE THAT BITCH MOTHER OF YOURS!
Seamus: Harry, you’re not supposed to be capslocking in this scene….
Harry: I’LL CAPSLOCK IF I WANT TO!
Seamus: Also, don’t call my mother names!
Harry: I’ll stop calling her names when she stops calling me a liar!
Seamus: But she doesn’t even have any evidence that it happened any other way!
Harry: But I’m the main character! Isn’t that good enough for her?!
Ron: Oh, hello, Harry. What’s going on?
Harry: Ron, Ron! Seamus’s mother is a nasty old bitch who thinks I’m lying about Voldemort coming back!
Ron: But Seamus’s mother is a nice lady. We met her and we liked her.
Harry: That was last book!
Seamus: I can’t deal with this anymore. I’ll ask Professor McGonagall if I can have a different room so I don’t have to sleep near Harry anymore.
Ron: Hey! Be nice to Harry! He’s a very troubled man!
Seamus: Exactly! You can’t tell me you believe him!
Ron: Of course I do! For I am his most trusted friend! [to Harry] You…don’t like Hermione or Luna more than me, do you?
Harry: Of course not, my pet.
Seamus: You’re both insane.
Ron: I’m a prefect! If you insult either of us one more time I’ll put you in detention!
Seamus: Whatever…. [Leaves]
Harry: WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME SO MUCH?!
Dean: I don’t hate you. My parents don’t get the Daily Prophet to begin with so they don’t have any reason to think anything bad about you.
Neville: And my grandmother believes you and Dumbledore absolutely!
Harry: She…she does? [Cries joyful tears]
Neville: Absolutely!
Harry: Ooooooh, Naaaaaveeeeeeeel! [Hugs Neville dramatically]
Neville: My name is Neville, you idiot, and also I expect more screen time for this!
[That night, Harry falls into a troubled sleep]
Harry: If Seamus, whom I had always gotten along with, thinks I’m an insane liar, I can only imagine how much harder it’ll get once I have to interact with my enemies too. I envision some dark days ahead.
*I'm sorry--it was way too easy!
Ginny: By the way, I’ve seen Professor Grubbly-Plank but no Hagrid. What do you suppose happened to him? Do you think he left?
Luna: I sure hope so. He’s a terrible teacher.
Harry: How dare you insult the great Hagrid on my watch!
Ron: Yeah!
Ginny: Yeah, what they said!
Hermione: Well, actually, Luna has a point—
Harry: How dare you take her side instead of mine!
Hermione: Sorry….
Luna: No, really. He doesn’t teach us anything—all he does is show us dangerous animals that try to kill us. We Ravenclaws do not approve.
Ron: Nobody likes you Ravenclaws! We Gryffindors do approve so that’s all that matters!
Luna: Oh, brother….
[As they approach Hogwarts Harry keeps a weather eye out for Hagrid’s hut.]
Harry: Hagrid’s hut is completely dark? What could this meeeeeean?
[They enter the Great Hall…]
Harry: Everyone’s staring at me and whispering about me behind my back! Why do they hate me so much?! What did I ever do to them!? [Cries]
[Harry sits down with Ron and Hermione]
Harry: I don’t see Hagrid at the staff table.
Ron: This is bad. Where could he be?
Hermione: Maybe he did something so stupid he ended up dead!
Harry: Don’t joke about that! Maybe…maybe he’s on a mission from Dumbledore. Yeah, that’s right. Dumbledore said he would be doing something.
Ron: Yeah…that must be it.
Hermione: By the way, who’s that evil-looking lady? [Points to Professor Umbridge]
Harry: Oh shit—it’s Doris Rumbridge!
Hermione: Who?
Harry: She’s…in the Ministry of Magic somehow. She was at my hearing, where she acted really creepy.
Hermione: So I guess she’s going to be a new villain we have to face.
Harry: something like that, probably.
[Shortly afterward, the first-years enter, followed by McGonagall and the Sorting Hat.]
Sorting Hat: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I shall sing a song to you about the importance of unity and maintaining the good names of the houses this school’s founders worked so hard to create. After all, a…school divided cannot stand.*
Hermione: Why is the Sorting Hat quoting an American muggle?
Harry: I’m guessing it’s to cheapen the message he sends, which will be forgotten by the end of the last book anyway.
Ron: No, but seriously, I don’t think the Sorting Hat’s ever given us advice before.
Nearly Headless Nick: Well, if the situation is dire, the hat sometimes will give advice.
[The first-years are sorted…]
Dumbledore: Alright, I’m going to skip the speech this year and let you start eating right away. Because I’m such a nice headmaster.
Harry: I’ll say you are! [Swoons]
Hermione: So…anyway, Nick, what were you saying about the hat?
Nick: What I just said. If the situation is dire, and the school is in danger, the hat will tell the students to unite and be strong.
Ron: But…how can the hat know the school’s in danger? It’s a hat?
Nick: Thank you for resisting the urge to talk with food in your mouth.
Ron: I’m not a complete slob, you know. [Winks]
Nick: It probably picks up some news from Dumbledore, seeing as it lives in his office.
Harry: But…why would the hat ask us to be friends? Doesn’t it understand that the reality of the situation is that each of the houses hates the other one? Like, how am I supposed to be friends with Draco Malfoy? He’s pure evil!
Nick: You’re thinking too black-and-white. We ghosts get along with one another. I get along with the Bloody Baron.
Ron: You’re scared of the Bloody Baron.
Nick: I am not scared! Hmph!
Harry: I’m just gonna eat my treacle tart and ignore you….
[After the meal is over…]
Dumbledore: Alright, so I’m just going to give you one final speech and say that the forests are out of bounds…unless you’re Harry Potter and friends…and also we have two new teachers. Professor Grubbly-Plank will be teaching Care of Magical Creatures until further notice, and Dolores Umbridge will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts.
Umbridge: Thank you, Dumbledore—now if you don’t mind I’ll be speaking.
Dumbledore: …You will?
Harry: HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY ANGEL WHEN HE’S TRYING TO SPEAK!
Umbridge: [to Harry] Nobody asked you! [to audience] Alright, my name is Dolores Umbridge. Make fun of my name at your peril! [Shifty eyes] Ahem, anyway, I’m looking forward to the opportunity to torture—ah, I mean, meet you all.
Harry: She sounds girlish and stupid, interrupts Dumbledore, and intends to give a boring speech. I can already tell she’s going to be evil.
Umbridge: I came to this school with one simple goal: to be eviler and more girlish than anyone else this school has ever seen—oops, I mean, I’m here to encourage progress, but not progress for its own sake. Instead I will bore you all to death and then kill you all—I mean, I’ll be encouraging the evolution of our curriculum for the greater good of all, and when I’m done I’ll torture Harry Potter just to—ah, I mean, I’ll prune practices which ought to be prohibited by throwing anyone who opposes me into Azkaban for no real—I mean, I’ll seize control over this school with an iron fist, and—no, no, that’s not what I meant to say…. [Looks over crowd] Is…is anyone still paying attention? [Pause] They’ve…they’ve all fallen asleep, or started chatting with their friends. Why do they always do that? Oh, well—I think I’ll sing a song.
[insert “When You’re Evil” video]
Hermione: Are you serious? What, are you trying to make yourself look eviler than Voldemort?
Umbridge: [to self] Oh, no—she’s discovered my secret! [to crowd] Ah…who wants to hear about my exploits in the famous movie Shakespeare in Love? [Pause] No? You children are no fun! [Sits down]
Hermione: So…how many of you were actually paying attention?
Harry: It wasn’t being said by my perfect man Dumbledore so I lost interest.
Hermione: Did you at least pick up on the fact that she was evil and meddlesome?
Harry: I could tell she was evil from the moment I first laid eyes on her—I didn’t need a boring old speech to tell me that!
Hermione: Oh, by the way, Ron, we need to help the first-years find the common room.
Ron: Sounds good to me. HEY ALL YOU MIDGET FIRST YEAR BABIES! COME TO US AND WE’LL SHOW YOU WHERE TO GO!
Hermione: Wow…tactless much? First years! Come to us!
Ron: But they do look very small. Oh no! I’m getting old!
Harry: They’re…they’re all staring at me and whispering about me! WAAAAAH! Everyone hates me because of what I went through last year! Why can’t they see that I’m the one who suffered as a result?!
[Harry exist the Great Hall and goes to the portrait outside Gryffindor tower, but he doesn’t remember the password.]
Neville: I know it, I know it! It’s Mimbulus mimbletonia!
Fat Lady: Congratulations, Navel—you’ve done something right for once!
Neville: My name is not Navel! ARGH!
[They enter the common room, where they run into Dean and Seamus.]
Harry: So, how was your holiday?
Dean: Mine was fine, but Seamus’s wasn’t.
Harry: Why not?
Dean: You can ask him yourself.
Seamus: Well…it’s because my mother didn’t want me to come back to Hogwarts, because she's scared of you and thinks Dumbledore’s crazy! There, I said it!
Harry: HOW DARE SHE?! THAT BITCH HATES ME FOR NO REASON AT ALL! NONE I TELL YOU!
Seamus: So…what exactly did happen to you in that graveyard anyway?
Harry: IF YOU HAVE TO ASK YOU DON’T DESERVE TO KNOW! JUST SWALLOW EVERYTHING THE DAILY PROPHET SAYS ABOUT ME LIKE THAT BITCH MOTHER OF YOURS!
Seamus: Harry, you’re not supposed to be capslocking in this scene….
Harry: I’LL CAPSLOCK IF I WANT TO!
Seamus: Also, don’t call my mother names!
Harry: I’ll stop calling her names when she stops calling me a liar!
Seamus: But she doesn’t even have any evidence that it happened any other way!
Harry: But I’m the main character! Isn’t that good enough for her?!
Ron: Oh, hello, Harry. What’s going on?
Harry: Ron, Ron! Seamus’s mother is a nasty old bitch who thinks I’m lying about Voldemort coming back!
Ron: But Seamus’s mother is a nice lady. We met her and we liked her.
Harry: That was last book!
Seamus: I can’t deal with this anymore. I’ll ask Professor McGonagall if I can have a different room so I don’t have to sleep near Harry anymore.
Ron: Hey! Be nice to Harry! He’s a very troubled man!
Seamus: Exactly! You can’t tell me you believe him!
Ron: Of course I do! For I am his most trusted friend! [to Harry] You…don’t like Hermione or Luna more than me, do you?
Harry: Of course not, my pet.
Seamus: You’re both insane.
Ron: I’m a prefect! If you insult either of us one more time I’ll put you in detention!
Seamus: Whatever…. [Leaves]
Harry: WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME SO MUCH?!
Dean: I don’t hate you. My parents don’t get the Daily Prophet to begin with so they don’t have any reason to think anything bad about you.
Neville: And my grandmother believes you and Dumbledore absolutely!
Harry: She…she does? [Cries joyful tears]
Neville: Absolutely!
Harry: Ooooooh, Naaaaaveeeeeeeel! [Hugs Neville dramatically]
Neville: My name is Neville, you idiot, and also I expect more screen time for this!
[That night, Harry falls into a troubled sleep]
Harry: If Seamus, whom I had always gotten along with, thinks I’m an insane liar, I can only imagine how much harder it’ll get once I have to interact with my enemies too. I envision some dark days ahead.
*I'm sorry--it was way too easy!
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no subject
Date: 2013-12-10 03:29 am (UTC)Speak for yourself Ron. Ron and Harry like Hagrid, Harry intimidates Hermione into not criticizing him and Ginny is sucking up to Harry. I think the rest of Gryffindor probably dreads Hagrid's class.
/Seamus: Well…it’s because my mother didn’t want me to come back to Hogwarts, because she's scared of you and thinks Dumbledore’s crazy! There, I said it!
Harry: HOW DARE SHE?! THAT BITCH HATES ME FOR NO REASON AT ALL! NONE I TELL YOU!
Seamus: So…what exactly did happen to you in that graveyard anyway?
Harry: IF YOU HAVE TO ASK YOU DON’T DESERVE TO KNOW! JUST SWALLOW EVERYTHING THE DAILY PROPHET SAYS ABOUT ME LIKE THAT BITCH MOTHER OF YOURS!
Seamus: Harry, you’re not supposed to be capslocking in this scene….
Harry: I’LL CAPSLOCK IF I WANT TO!
Seamus: Also, don’t call my mother names!
Harry: I’ll stop calling her names when she stops calling me a liar!
Seamus: But she doesn’t even have any evidence that it happened any other way!
Harry: But I’m the main character! Isn’t that good enough for her?!/
Now how can Seamus think Harry is a liar, dangerous and violent? Seamus asked what would seem like a normal question and rather than explain, Harry just insults his mother. In my experience it is untrustworthy people who go on the attack when you dare to question them. You're not helping your case Harry. Of course he learned from Dumbledore - IF YOU HAVE TO ASK YOU DON’T DESERVE TO KNOW! (Great attitude for someone in charge of school)
I remember seeing the argument being made that the Hats song was for Dumbledore's benefit.
no subject
Date: 2013-12-13 01:22 am (UTC)One of my favorite parts of this Abridged series is the way you make obvious--and funny--Harry's drama king attitudes and behavior.
After all, a…school divided cannot stand.*
Hermione: Why is the Sorting Hat quoting an American muggle?
Actually, Lincoln was quoting the Bible when he said, "A house divided against itself cannot stand." (Mark 3:25) People tend to forget that.
Umbridge: I came to this school with one simple goal: to be eviler and more girlish than anyone else this school has ever seen
You know, Taylor Swift is ultra-girlish and loves kitties, too. Wouldn't it have been great if, instead of making Umbridge short and ugly, she'd been tall and gorgeous? She could have been just as evil, but subtle about it. All the boys would love her and want to do everything she asks, while all the girls would hate her and be jealous. The girls would insist she was evil, but the boys would say the girls were just jealous and ignore them. There could have been messages about the importance of not judging people by their looks, or your hormonal reaction to them, or being taken in by their seeming goodness. Of course, that last one treads a little too closely to certain Headmasters--but this being Rowling, she wouldn't see the irony, anyway.
Harry: I could tell she was evil from the moment I first laid eyes on her—I didn’t need a boring old speech to tell me that!
Sings: "I knew you were evil when you walked in."
Seamus: Harry, you’re not supposed to be capslocking in this scene….
Harry: I’LL CAPSLOCK IF I WANT TO!
Sings: It's my book, and I'll capslock if I want to,
Capslock if I want to,
Capslock if I want to,
You'd capslock, too, if it happened to you.
no subject
Date: 2013-12-19 03:11 pm (UTC)You know - that was unfortunately what hooked me on the books and had me sending them to my niece. Don't judge by looks. First Sev is NOT the villain at the end of bk1. And then good looking Malfoy comes out as the bad guy behind bk2. Of course Harry never suspected him, but.... And then later in the series, I've never been convinced what he actually knew the diary would do.
As for judging by hormonal reaction - I think JKR meant that one to be learned from Lockhart.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-12 08:58 pm (UTC)Would Malfoy have sent his son to Hogwarts if he knew the diary would mean a Basilisk would be set free into the school? I don't think so.