Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 14

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[The first week of terms passes...]

Harry: Maybe I can send Sirius a letter? [Grabs quill and parchment] “My dear dogfather, how are things? Our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is the nurse from Shakespeare in Love, except evil for no clear reason. By the way, I'm suffering deeply from this pain in my soul and also my you-know-where. Please comfort me and stroke my ego. Also, our new Care of Magical Magic creatures teacher sucks, if you know what I mean. Best, Harry.”

[As Harry wanders to the owlery he comes across Filch's cat.]

Harry: It's Mr. Norris's cat! What do you want?!

Mrs. Norris: I'm onto you!

Harry: Oh, scram! I'm well within my rights to send mail in broad daylight!

Mrs. Norris: Whatever.... [Leaves]

[Harry goes to the owlery...]

Harry: Hedwig! I have a letter for you to deliver to Sirius!

[He sends off the letter just as Cho enters!]

Cho: Oh, hello Harry!

Harry: Hello there! What are you doing here?

Cho: Oh, I'm just sending a letter to my mother for her birthday.

Harry: Oh, good—you have parents. That means that you haven't suffered nearly as much as me and thus I can project all of my own problems and insecurities onto you!

Cho: …Anyway, have you played much Quidditch lately?

Harry: NO I HAVEN'T THAT MEANIE UMBRIDGE HAS BEEN FORCING ME TO DO DETENTION! [Sobs]

Cho: Well, if it's any consolation, I think it was very brave of you to stand up to her.

Harry: Oh wow! A hot girl just complimented me! That makes everything better!

[But just then Filch enters]

Harry: Mr. Norris! What are you doing here?!

Filch: First of all, my name is Filch. Second of all, I heard you just placed an order of dungbombs.

Harry: What? I did no such thing! What even gave you that idea?!

Filch: Because you're a troublemaker, that's why. Now hand over your letter.

Harry: I already sent my letter!

Filch: How do I know you're not just hiding it somewhere?

Cho: I saw him send the letter.

Filch: You are less horrible to me than Harry and his mates; therefore I trust you. I will take my leave now, but if I see any dungbombs around here anywhere I'll know who to blame! [Leaves]

Harry: Wow, thank you for standing up for me! You truly are an angel!

Cho: Well...thank you.... [Sends letter] Listen, I should get going. Maybe we'll meet up later. [to self] And I can get more screen time.

Harry: Yeah, definitely!

[Harry and Cho part ways]

Harry: Wow, this is amazing! A hot girl told me I was brave, and stood up for me against Mr. Norris? Can this day get any better?!

[He goes to breakfast]

Hermione: By the way, in Sirius-related news, the Daily Prophet thinks he's hiding in London!

Harry: Oh, no! They're onto him! It must be that bastard Lucius Malfoy's fault! [Looks over the newspaper] Oh, wow! Sturgis Podmore has been arrested and sentenced to Azkaban for trying to break into the Ministry of Magic!

Ron: That's not good! He's an Order member!

Hermione: Keep your voice down! ...Anyway, he tried to break into the Ministry of Magic, did he? What reason could he have for wanting to do such a thing?

Harry: I don't know about that, but I do remember that he was that Order member who was supposed to see us off at King's Cross and didn't.

Ron: It's very strange.... Maybe the bad guys lured him to the Ministry somehow?

Harry: Oh Ron, you and your silly inferior conspiracy theories!

Hermione: Actually...Ron may have a point.

Ron: Yay! You're defending me for once! I knew I made the right choice by resolving to marry you one day!

Hermione: Don't remind me.... Anyway, let's get back to our homework!

Ron: Harry, will you help me practice for Quidditch later?

Harry: Okay.

[They practice Quidditch for awhile, and after lunch they go on to official practice.]

Ron: Oh, no! The Slytherins are here, and they're going to laugh at me!

Harry: Just ignore them.

Ron: Like you have any room to talk?!

Pansy Parkinson: Angelina, Angelina! I hate your hair style! It's ugly!

Angelina: Shut up, whore! Nobody likes you!

Pansy Parkinson: Fine, be that way!

[They start to practice]

Slytherins: Gryffindors are losers! Gryffindors are losers!

Ron: How dare you! [Catches a quaffle and throws it into Katie's face]

Katie: I'm bleeding! Help me!

[The practice continues, and Ron lets the quaffle in several times]

Angelina: Alright, that's enough for today—I think poor Katie's about to die of blood loss.

[They return to the common room...]

Hermione: So, did Ron actually succeed in saving the quaffle ever?

Harry: Oh yes, some of the time.

Hermione: Color me surprised....

Ron: But not nearly often enough! [Cries]

[Later that weekend, as they're doing homework, they get a letter from Percy!]

Ron: Let's see.... It says that Percy is relieved that I've become a prefect rather than following Fred and George's footsteps—we'll see about that—and... ah... oh, and he's satisfied with his job at the Ministry and wants me to stop seeing you, Harry, because he believes the Ministry's claims that you're crazy and a bad influence!

Harry: The nerve of him!

Ron: And to make matters worse...

Harry: How? How could he possibly get any worse?

Ron: Well... he said something positive about Umbridge!

Harry: [Gasp] He didn't!

Ron: Yes he did.

Harry: That bastard! He should be excommunicated from my social circle!

Ron: Consider him excommunicated by me. [Throws letter in fire]

Harry: You're the best!

Hermione: By the way, I've overheard your conversation and I feel so sorry for you I think I'll even look over and correct your essays!

Ron: Wow, thank you!

Hermione: But just this once.

Ron: You keep telling yourself that but I know it isn't true.

Harry: Wow, this is so horrible. This is the second person I used to know and get along with who's turned on me and believes the Ministry's every lie. And he has the gall to praise Umbridge while he's at it! Oh, where is Sirius? He's the only person who could truly understand my pain anymore!

Hermione: So here's a conclusion you can add to your essay, Ron.

Ron: Wow, you wrote that much? You are so magnanimous!

Hermione: I sure am, to put up with you. Oh, by the way, Harry, for some reason you wrote about Jupiter's moon Europa being covered in mice, when the correct answer is ice--

Harry: Shut up, you two! Don't intrude on my self-pity party!

[But just then, Sirius appears in the fire!]

Hermione: What are you doing? It's dangerous!

Sirius: This was the only way. The alternative would be speaking to Harry in code, and anyone can break a code.

Hermione: So you decided to show your head in our fireplace?

Sirius: There's no time to explain myself. Harry, you said your scar hurt again?

Harry: Yes it did! I think Dumbledore said it hurts when Voldemort feels strong emotions or something?

Sirius: Could be, but there's no reason to think you're in special danger right now.

Harry: But...I should tell you that it hurt especially badly when I faced Umbridge a few days ago.

Sirius: Umbridge? I know of her. Lupin hates her because she passed anti-werewolf legislation because she's racist against part-humans. I tell you this just in case she wasn't already evil enough. But in any case, she can't be the cause of your pain because she isn't a Death Eater.

Ron: You mean...someone as evil as her could actually not be a Death Eater?

Sirius: Yeah. The world isn't divided into good people and Death Eaters.

Ron: Wow! You learn something new every day!

Sirius: Don't worry—by the last book even the author will have forgotten this simple fact. So, anyway, has Umbridge been training you into an army to kill any part-humans you encounter on sight?

Harry: Actually, she hasn't been letting us use magic at all.

Sirius: As I suspected—she doesn't want you to be trained in combat.

Harry: Combat? What combat?

Sirius: Combat that could overthrow the Ministry of Magic. They think that's what Dumbledore wants.

Harry: How dare they spread such filthy lies about my future husband!

Sirius: ...Anyway, I haven't been seeing the Order around that much because they're out doing Order stuff and I'm stuck at home with that racist stick-in-the-mud Kreacher.

Hermione: Why must you speak so ill of poor Kreacher? You're the only family he has!

Sirius: Because I can.

Harry: Let's change the subject. Have you got any news from Hagrid?

Sirius: No. He was supposed to be back by now—but Dumbledore isn't worried so we think he's okay!

Hermione: But why hasn't he come back?

Sirius: That's classified. Just have faith that he's okay.... Listen, maybe I can meet you in Hogsmeade again? Disguised as a dog?

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: NO!

Harry: The Daily Prophet says it knows where you are!

Sirius: Does it? They don't have a clue--

Harry: No, this time I think it's for real! That bastard Lucius Malfoy knows!

Sirius: Fine, fine. I won't meet you after all. You're no fun! [Leaves]