Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 15
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deathtocapslock[The next day, an ominous newspaper article arrives at breakfast.]
Hermione: You'll want to have a look at this—it's talking all about Umbridge.
Harry: Oh, good! Maybe we'll finally get an explanation for this madness!
Hermione: It says here that the Ministry of Magic appointed her to teach us, by passing a decree saying they had the right. Oh, good—Dumbledore is innocent of forcing this horrible teacher on us after all!
Harry: I knew my darling was innocent! I just knew he'd never offer us an evil psychopath like that for a teacher willingly.
Hermione: Don't get too excited—it gets worse. Apparently Umbridge is going to be inspecting the other classes and teachers in the school, and weeding out anyone who doesn't perform to her liking!
Harry: Oh, no! This is terrible!
Ron: Well look on the bright side—at least Professor McGonagall won't be a target....
Hermione: And do you know how I know all this? Percy! He's the one explaining all this in the paper!
Ron: That monster!
Harry: Ron, why is your brother so mean to me?
Ron: Because...the plot says so?
[They go to History of Magic, and then Potions...]
Snape: I was very disappointed with your essays from last week—several of you got D's, which is a failing grade.
Harry: Oh, crap! That includes me! I'm so ashamed!
Draco: Ha ha, Harry Potter got a D on his essay!
Harry: Nobody asked you! [Cries]
[After lessons, they go to lunch...]
Hermione: Incidentally, why don't the two of you tell me your grades so I can gloat about how much better mine was?
Ron: I got a P. That's pretty bad, huh? Oh, well—at least it's better than D.
Harry: [Cries]
Fred: Aww, did you two fail? Cheer up, Harry—now you can tell any girl you've got a huge-assed D and you won't be lying!
Harry: That's supposed to make me feel better?!
Hermione: You know, despite the fact that I've been receiving these grades for five years now I could never be sure what they were or what they meant. Why don't you remind me?*
George: Well, O's the highest grade, and that means “Outstanding,” then there's E, for “Exceeds Expectations,” A for “Acceptable,” and those are the three passing grades.
Ron: The failing grades are P, which stands for “Poor,” and D, which stands for “Dreadful.”
George: And there's one grade lower. T, for “Troll.” I think their logic is that if you fail that hard you must be doing it on purpose to torment the teachers.
Hermione: Well...anyway...have you had an inspected lesson yet?
George: Yes, Umbridge was in Charms.
Harry: Did she traumatize all of you the way she delights in doing to me?
Fred: Actually, no. She just took some notes and left. She didn't bother Professor Flitwick much at all, and he didn't do anything that seemed to bother her.
Ron: Well, maybe these inspections won't be so bad after all...?
Harry: After what she did to me? I can be sure they will.
Ron: Speaking of, we have class with Umbridge today don't we?
Harry: Oh, no. I can feel my short, sweet life coming to an end. Good-bye, cruel world!
[But first, they go to Divination]
Umbridge: Hello!
Harry: Oh, shit! Umbridge is here!
Umbridge: I'm here and I'm ready to torment—I mean, evaluate Professor Trevolry here.
Professor Trelawney: It's Professor Trelawney, thank you! Ahem, anyway, let's split into pairs and continue interpreting dreams, yes?
[The students obey]
Ron: So, what should we say, in case Umbridge comes to interview us?
Harry: Tell her we're analyzing a dream in which Sirius makes Snape his bitch.
Ron: You're really going with that?
Harry: At least it'd be funny!
Umbridge: So, how long have you been teaching?
Professor Trelawney: I've been teaching for sixteen years.
Umbridge: Okay.... Are you by any chance the descendant of a famous seer?
Professor Trelawney: Why yes I am!
Umbridge: Well, then you wouldn't mind predicting something for me?
Professor Trelawney: You think I can just predict something on demand? Do you know how fortune-telling works?!
Umbridge: Fine then, if you won't predict for me I'll have you taken away—I mean, I'll sell the rights to your most treasured children's book to Hollywood!
Trelawney: NOOOOO! Anything but that! Alright...how's this? I predict that you will become the most hated character in the fandom, and everyone will think you're more repulsive than the goddamned central antagonist himself!
Umbridge: How dare you! I do a splendid job of burying my evil under a profound, grandmotherly sort of charisma! I do not inspire hate!
Trelawney: Oh, no... this won't end well....
Harry: Wow, Umbridge is so horrible she actually has me feeling sorry for Professor Trelawney! It's like she's so evil she distorts reality!
Trelawney: You there! Harry Potter! Let me interpret your dreams!
Harry: Fine, fine....
Trelawney: [Reads off Harry's dream diary] You will be the blandest and most passive protagonist of your genre, whom everyone will be expected to root for simply because you are brave and have tricked them into buying cowardice as the ultimate mortal sin.
Harry: You're mean! [Cries]
[They go to Defense Against the Dark Arts...]
Umbridge: Alright, today we'll continue reading your books. If reading is not the way you learn best that's simply too bad—I'm here to torment you, not educate you. Wait...did I just say that out loud? Oops....
Hermione: Professor Umbridge, Professor Umbridge!
Umbridge: Yes, what is it, you that the cat dragged in?
Hermione: I've already read the entire book!
Umbridge: Alright, then you can tell me all about what Slinkhard says about counterjinxes?
Hermione: He says that “counterjinx” is just a euphemism for jinxes. I don't know why he thinks they need to be discussed with a euphemism—jinxes are awesome already!
Umbridge: Nobody asked you! [Sulks] Kids these days. Don't they know that the teacher is always right?
Harry: The teacher is always right?! What the hell?!
Hermione: Harry, you idiot! This time she'll kill you!
Umbridge: As I was saying, your previous teachers were obviously inferior to me because they actually allowed you to have an opinion. Well...maybe Professor Quirrell was okay....
Harry: How dare you say something positive about Professor Quirrell! He had Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!
Umbridge: And how dare you talk back to me! I sentence you to another week's worth of detentions, and this time I'll have you draw a kitty face after your lines just so your hand gets cut up to an even greater extent than it already--! [Pauses] Did...did I just say that in front of a room full of students? Ugh—I have to get better at concealing my truly evil nature. Maybe Professor Trevolrey was right about me after all?
[Later, Harry's cornered by Angelina again]
Angelina: How dare you miss practice AGAIN! If you keep it up I'll destroy your mind and turn you into an obedient doll just to get you to stop getting in trouble!
Harry: Don't you think that's going a bit far?
Angelina: Hardly! If you can't put quidditch at the center of your universe you don't deserve to play!
Harry: But my position doesn't even require any real skill!
Angelina: Like I care! If you use that as an excuse everyone else might realize how useless your position is too!
Professor McGonagall: Alright, you've shouted at each other enough. I may have to take some points off.
Harry: It's not my fault! Umbridge put me in detention again!
McGonagall: Harry, what are we going to do with you? If you keep causing trouble for her she's just going to torture you more. Just give up already.
Harry: Why should I have to take any of this from her? [Cries]
McGonagall: Because the plot says so. Maybe if I take points off from you as well, you'll behave yourself?
Harry: Why is everyone so meeeeean to me?! [Bursts into tears]
Ron: It's okay—I'll still be nice to you.
Hermione: Oh, come on—it's not that she's mean, it's that she doesn't want you to get on Umbridge's bad side. Is that really much of a surprise to you?
Harry: But I'm morally right.
Hermione: Being morally right won't matter if she tortures you to death.
Harry: What? It'll matter in every sense possible! In this series you get brownie points just for being brave! Besides, I'm the main character and there's still two books left! What would they call the last two, Navel Longbottom and the...whatever?
Neville: FOR THE LAST TIME MY NAME IS NEVILLE!
Hermione: ...Okay, you have a point there.
[They go to Transfiguration later and find Umbridge there]
Ron: Hmph, Professor McGonagall won't take any of her crap—that much I know!
McGonagall: Alright, today we'll be vanishing mice.
Umbridge: By the way, Professor—you do know I'll be inspecting you today, right?
McGonagall: Of course—why else would you be here? Anyway, earlier we tried vanishing snails, but this week we'll move up to mice, which are vertebrates and hence more complicated and difficult to vanish--
Umbridge: By the way, I'm right here. I'm inspecting you. Did you know that?
McGonagall: Of course I did. I'm not stupid.
Umbridge: ...Do I not intimidate you even in the least bit?
McGonagall: No. Now be quiet so I can teach my students, or else.
Umbridge: Hmph!
[The students practice vanishing their mice for the remainder of their class]
Umbridge: I'll give you lower marks on your inspection for ignoring me!
McGonagall: By all means. I am under no obligation to cater to your sadistic whims.
[Umbridge is also at Care of Magical Creatures]
Harry: AAAGH! She's everywhere!
Umbridge: So, Professor Grubbly-Plank, you're a substitute teacher, correct?
Grubbly-Plank: Yes I am. I'm standing in for Hagrid.
Umbridge: Well would you mind telling me why Hagrid isn't back yet?
Grubbly-Plank: You're acting as if I know anything. Dumbledore just sent me a letter one day giving me the position until further notice.
[Umbridge goes around asking the students questions, and they give positive responses.]
Umbridge: Well, this particular professor seems to be doing okay, and I can't find any fault in her. But I wonder, what was the OTHER professor like?
Draco: He was horrible! I was attacked by a Hippogriff in his class and he didn't even bat an eye!
Umbridge: Oh, really?
Draco: Yes, really!
Harry: Draco you scum! You'll pay for this!
Umbridge: Nobody asked your opinion! Just for that I think I'll give you an extra night of detention.
Harry: Bring it on!
Umbridge: You'll have to write lines with your left hand.
Harry: So?
Umbridge: And I'll extend the detention by five minutes for every line I can't read.
Harry: That'll just make me even more of a beautiful martyr and give me more sexy scars. Bring it on, I say!
Umbridge: And I'll perform a dramatic reading of The Draco Trilogy while you're at it!
Harry: You evil monster!
[After detention, Harry returns to the common room to find Ron and Hermione waiting for him.]
Hermione: I've prepared some healing goo from Murtlap tentacles for you.
Harry: Wow, thanks! I wonder if this will become a plot point?
Ron: So...now are you going to complain?
Harry: As if!
Ron: Seriously, there is no shame in telling Professor McGonagall that you're being tortured!
Harry: But I don't want to get Professor McGonagall in trouble! What if she complains and gets kicked out?!
Hermione: Are we really at that level yet?
Harry: I suspect we're getting closer all the time.
Hermione: Well...we should do something.
Harry: Do something? Like what?
Hermione: Well, if Umbridge isn't going to teach us how to cast defensive spells we should do it ourselves.
Ron: You mean...we'd have to do extra work and stuff?
Hermione: Well yes, but it'd be worth it if we could fight.
Ron: Even if it cuts into homework time?
Hermione: Absolutely! This is far more important than mere homework!
Ron: ...Wow, I can't believe this is what it's come to!
Harry: But who will be our teacher?
Hermione: You will.
Harry: Hermione, you might want to work on your sense of humor. Now, come, tell me who our teacher will be.
Hermione: Oh I wasn't joking. I was serious.
Harry: ...You...you honestly expect me to teach you lessons?!
Hermione: Well, quite simply, yes.
Harry: But I can't even pass a stupid exam!
Hermione: But you've stood up to Voldemort so many times!
Harry: How does that make me qualified to teach?!
Ron: Well since killing Voldemort is the end goal of this entire series....
Harry: But all my previous victories have been luck!
Ron: Maybe your luck will rub off on us?
Harry: You're scraping the barrel. This will never work.
Ron: It has to!
Hermione: If nothing else, Harry, you at least know what it's like to face down Voldemort.
Harry: ...That's true.
Hermione: At least think about it.
[Ron and Hermione go to bed]
Harry: A plot-relevant thing that involves me actually communicating with others and making my own way rather than just sitting back and letting the plot sort things out for me? Outrageous! [Goes to bed]
*Okay, seriously—if this were important it should have been introduced a lot earlier. As it is it's a completely forced conversation, that they're having for no other reason than to inform the audience of the grading system! It's yet another thing you'd see in amateur fanfic, not professionally-produced novels!
Hermione: You'll want to have a look at this—it's talking all about Umbridge.
Harry: Oh, good! Maybe we'll finally get an explanation for this madness!
Hermione: It says here that the Ministry of Magic appointed her to teach us, by passing a decree saying they had the right. Oh, good—Dumbledore is innocent of forcing this horrible teacher on us after all!
Harry: I knew my darling was innocent! I just knew he'd never offer us an evil psychopath like that for a teacher willingly.
Hermione: Don't get too excited—it gets worse. Apparently Umbridge is going to be inspecting the other classes and teachers in the school, and weeding out anyone who doesn't perform to her liking!
Harry: Oh, no! This is terrible!
Ron: Well look on the bright side—at least Professor McGonagall won't be a target....
Hermione: And do you know how I know all this? Percy! He's the one explaining all this in the paper!
Ron: That monster!
Harry: Ron, why is your brother so mean to me?
Ron: Because...the plot says so?
[They go to History of Magic, and then Potions...]
Snape: I was very disappointed with your essays from last week—several of you got D's, which is a failing grade.
Harry: Oh, crap! That includes me! I'm so ashamed!
Draco: Ha ha, Harry Potter got a D on his essay!
Harry: Nobody asked you! [Cries]
[After lessons, they go to lunch...]
Hermione: Incidentally, why don't the two of you tell me your grades so I can gloat about how much better mine was?
Ron: I got a P. That's pretty bad, huh? Oh, well—at least it's better than D.
Harry: [Cries]
Fred: Aww, did you two fail? Cheer up, Harry—now you can tell any girl you've got a huge-assed D and you won't be lying!
Harry: That's supposed to make me feel better?!
Hermione: You know, despite the fact that I've been receiving these grades for five years now I could never be sure what they were or what they meant. Why don't you remind me?*
George: Well, O's the highest grade, and that means “Outstanding,” then there's E, for “Exceeds Expectations,” A for “Acceptable,” and those are the three passing grades.
Ron: The failing grades are P, which stands for “Poor,” and D, which stands for “Dreadful.”
George: And there's one grade lower. T, for “Troll.” I think their logic is that if you fail that hard you must be doing it on purpose to torment the teachers.
Hermione: Well...anyway...have you had an inspected lesson yet?
George: Yes, Umbridge was in Charms.
Harry: Did she traumatize all of you the way she delights in doing to me?
Fred: Actually, no. She just took some notes and left. She didn't bother Professor Flitwick much at all, and he didn't do anything that seemed to bother her.
Ron: Well, maybe these inspections won't be so bad after all...?
Harry: After what she did to me? I can be sure they will.
Ron: Speaking of, we have class with Umbridge today don't we?
Harry: Oh, no. I can feel my short, sweet life coming to an end. Good-bye, cruel world!
[But first, they go to Divination]
Umbridge: Hello!
Harry: Oh, shit! Umbridge is here!
Umbridge: I'm here and I'm ready to torment—I mean, evaluate Professor Trevolry here.
Professor Trelawney: It's Professor Trelawney, thank you! Ahem, anyway, let's split into pairs and continue interpreting dreams, yes?
[The students obey]
Ron: So, what should we say, in case Umbridge comes to interview us?
Harry: Tell her we're analyzing a dream in which Sirius makes Snape his bitch.
Ron: You're really going with that?
Harry: At least it'd be funny!
Umbridge: So, how long have you been teaching?
Professor Trelawney: I've been teaching for sixteen years.
Umbridge: Okay.... Are you by any chance the descendant of a famous seer?
Professor Trelawney: Why yes I am!
Umbridge: Well, then you wouldn't mind predicting something for me?
Professor Trelawney: You think I can just predict something on demand? Do you know how fortune-telling works?!
Umbridge: Fine then, if you won't predict for me I'll have you taken away—I mean, I'll sell the rights to your most treasured children's book to Hollywood!
Trelawney: NOOOOO! Anything but that! Alright...how's this? I predict that you will become the most hated character in the fandom, and everyone will think you're more repulsive than the goddamned central antagonist himself!
Umbridge: How dare you! I do a splendid job of burying my evil under a profound, grandmotherly sort of charisma! I do not inspire hate!
Trelawney: Oh, no... this won't end well....
Harry: Wow, Umbridge is so horrible she actually has me feeling sorry for Professor Trelawney! It's like she's so evil she distorts reality!
Trelawney: You there! Harry Potter! Let me interpret your dreams!
Harry: Fine, fine....
Trelawney: [Reads off Harry's dream diary] You will be the blandest and most passive protagonist of your genre, whom everyone will be expected to root for simply because you are brave and have tricked them into buying cowardice as the ultimate mortal sin.
Harry: You're mean! [Cries]
[They go to Defense Against the Dark Arts...]
Umbridge: Alright, today we'll continue reading your books. If reading is not the way you learn best that's simply too bad—I'm here to torment you, not educate you. Wait...did I just say that out loud? Oops....
Hermione: Professor Umbridge, Professor Umbridge!
Umbridge: Yes, what is it, you that the cat dragged in?
Hermione: I've already read the entire book!
Umbridge: Alright, then you can tell me all about what Slinkhard says about counterjinxes?
Hermione: He says that “counterjinx” is just a euphemism for jinxes. I don't know why he thinks they need to be discussed with a euphemism—jinxes are awesome already!
Umbridge: Nobody asked you! [Sulks] Kids these days. Don't they know that the teacher is always right?
Harry: The teacher is always right?! What the hell?!
Hermione: Harry, you idiot! This time she'll kill you!
Umbridge: As I was saying, your previous teachers were obviously inferior to me because they actually allowed you to have an opinion. Well...maybe Professor Quirrell was okay....
Harry: How dare you say something positive about Professor Quirrell! He had Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!
Umbridge: And how dare you talk back to me! I sentence you to another week's worth of detentions, and this time I'll have you draw a kitty face after your lines just so your hand gets cut up to an even greater extent than it already--! [Pauses] Did...did I just say that in front of a room full of students? Ugh—I have to get better at concealing my truly evil nature. Maybe Professor Trevolrey was right about me after all?
[Later, Harry's cornered by Angelina again]
Angelina: How dare you miss practice AGAIN! If you keep it up I'll destroy your mind and turn you into an obedient doll just to get you to stop getting in trouble!
Harry: Don't you think that's going a bit far?
Angelina: Hardly! If you can't put quidditch at the center of your universe you don't deserve to play!
Harry: But my position doesn't even require any real skill!
Angelina: Like I care! If you use that as an excuse everyone else might realize how useless your position is too!
Professor McGonagall: Alright, you've shouted at each other enough. I may have to take some points off.
Harry: It's not my fault! Umbridge put me in detention again!
McGonagall: Harry, what are we going to do with you? If you keep causing trouble for her she's just going to torture you more. Just give up already.
Harry: Why should I have to take any of this from her? [Cries]
McGonagall: Because the plot says so. Maybe if I take points off from you as well, you'll behave yourself?
Harry: Why is everyone so meeeeean to me?! [Bursts into tears]
Ron: It's okay—I'll still be nice to you.
Hermione: Oh, come on—it's not that she's mean, it's that she doesn't want you to get on Umbridge's bad side. Is that really much of a surprise to you?
Harry: But I'm morally right.
Hermione: Being morally right won't matter if she tortures you to death.
Harry: What? It'll matter in every sense possible! In this series you get brownie points just for being brave! Besides, I'm the main character and there's still two books left! What would they call the last two, Navel Longbottom and the...whatever?
Neville: FOR THE LAST TIME MY NAME IS NEVILLE!
Hermione: ...Okay, you have a point there.
[They go to Transfiguration later and find Umbridge there]
Ron: Hmph, Professor McGonagall won't take any of her crap—that much I know!
McGonagall: Alright, today we'll be vanishing mice.
Umbridge: By the way, Professor—you do know I'll be inspecting you today, right?
McGonagall: Of course—why else would you be here? Anyway, earlier we tried vanishing snails, but this week we'll move up to mice, which are vertebrates and hence more complicated and difficult to vanish--
Umbridge: By the way, I'm right here. I'm inspecting you. Did you know that?
McGonagall: Of course I did. I'm not stupid.
Umbridge: ...Do I not intimidate you even in the least bit?
McGonagall: No. Now be quiet so I can teach my students, or else.
Umbridge: Hmph!
[The students practice vanishing their mice for the remainder of their class]
Umbridge: I'll give you lower marks on your inspection for ignoring me!
McGonagall: By all means. I am under no obligation to cater to your sadistic whims.
[Umbridge is also at Care of Magical Creatures]
Harry: AAAGH! She's everywhere!
Umbridge: So, Professor Grubbly-Plank, you're a substitute teacher, correct?
Grubbly-Plank: Yes I am. I'm standing in for Hagrid.
Umbridge: Well would you mind telling me why Hagrid isn't back yet?
Grubbly-Plank: You're acting as if I know anything. Dumbledore just sent me a letter one day giving me the position until further notice.
[Umbridge goes around asking the students questions, and they give positive responses.]
Umbridge: Well, this particular professor seems to be doing okay, and I can't find any fault in her. But I wonder, what was the OTHER professor like?
Draco: He was horrible! I was attacked by a Hippogriff in his class and he didn't even bat an eye!
Umbridge: Oh, really?
Draco: Yes, really!
Harry: Draco you scum! You'll pay for this!
Umbridge: Nobody asked your opinion! Just for that I think I'll give you an extra night of detention.
Harry: Bring it on!
Umbridge: You'll have to write lines with your left hand.
Harry: So?
Umbridge: And I'll extend the detention by five minutes for every line I can't read.
Harry: That'll just make me even more of a beautiful martyr and give me more sexy scars. Bring it on, I say!
Umbridge: And I'll perform a dramatic reading of The Draco Trilogy while you're at it!
Harry: You evil monster!
[After detention, Harry returns to the common room to find Ron and Hermione waiting for him.]
Hermione: I've prepared some healing goo from Murtlap tentacles for you.
Harry: Wow, thanks! I wonder if this will become a plot point?
Ron: So...now are you going to complain?
Harry: As if!
Ron: Seriously, there is no shame in telling Professor McGonagall that you're being tortured!
Harry: But I don't want to get Professor McGonagall in trouble! What if she complains and gets kicked out?!
Hermione: Are we really at that level yet?
Harry: I suspect we're getting closer all the time.
Hermione: Well...we should do something.
Harry: Do something? Like what?
Hermione: Well, if Umbridge isn't going to teach us how to cast defensive spells we should do it ourselves.
Ron: You mean...we'd have to do extra work and stuff?
Hermione: Well yes, but it'd be worth it if we could fight.
Ron: Even if it cuts into homework time?
Hermione: Absolutely! This is far more important than mere homework!
Ron: ...Wow, I can't believe this is what it's come to!
Harry: But who will be our teacher?
Hermione: You will.
Harry: Hermione, you might want to work on your sense of humor. Now, come, tell me who our teacher will be.
Hermione: Oh I wasn't joking. I was serious.
Harry: ...You...you honestly expect me to teach you lessons?!
Hermione: Well, quite simply, yes.
Harry: But I can't even pass a stupid exam!
Hermione: But you've stood up to Voldemort so many times!
Harry: How does that make me qualified to teach?!
Ron: Well since killing Voldemort is the end goal of this entire series....
Harry: But all my previous victories have been luck!
Ron: Maybe your luck will rub off on us?
Harry: You're scraping the barrel. This will never work.
Ron: It has to!
Hermione: If nothing else, Harry, you at least know what it's like to face down Voldemort.
Harry: ...That's true.
Hermione: At least think about it.
[Ron and Hermione go to bed]
Harry: A plot-relevant thing that involves me actually communicating with others and making my own way rather than just sitting back and letting the plot sort things out for me? Outrageous! [Goes to bed]
*Okay, seriously—if this were important it should have been introduced a lot earlier. As it is it's a completely forced conversation, that they're having for no other reason than to inform the audience of the grading system! It's yet another thing you'd see in amateur fanfic, not professionally-produced novels!
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