Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 17

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[Now that so many students have pledged to resist Umbridge, Harry’s mood improves]

Harry: NOW they’ll see which of us is crazy!

[One day Harry and his friends see a worrisome message on the board]

Harry: Oh, no! Umbridge forbids any clubs that don’t have her permission to exist! But…how ever did she find out about us?!

Ron: I don’t know! It’s not like she was there!

Harry: Maybe one of the people who signed up betrayed us to Umbridge?! [Cries]

Ron: I’ll bet it’s that slimy, good-for-nothing Hufflepuff, Zacharias Smith!

Harry: Do you think Hermione knows?

Ron: Let’s tell her at once so she can get us out of this!

[They try to go up the stairs to the girls’ bedroom, but it turns into a stone slide and they fall down]

Ron: What the hell?! Hermione’s allowed in our bedroom!

Hermione: It’s a precaution to prevent the boys from raping the girls. After all, it’s not like girls could ever rape boys, or anything.

Ron: Well, never mind that now! Umbridge has banned our club!

[Hermione reads the notice]

Hermione: …What?!

Ron: So, who do you think sold us out?

Hermione: There’s no way anyone sold us out. I put a curse on the parchment to punish anyone who talked.

Ron: What? But I thought you specifically said that sign-up sheet was non-binding.

Hermione: You can’t tell me you fell for a denial that specific. Anyway, I wonder if anyone else in the school knows about this….

[They go to the Great Hall, where a group of fellow Gryffindors come up to them]

Ginny: So…what are we going to do about that notice?

Harry: We’ll just have to find a way to meet in secret, that’s all.

Fred: And…the Prefects are okay with this?

Hermione: You’ll get no resistance from Ron and me.

Ron: Hermione, several of our co-conspirators are coming over to us. Is that bad?

Hermione: Yes it is—we can’t let ourselves be caught meeting within sight of the teachers!

Ginny: I’ll go lure Michael Corner away for you.

Hermione: Good girl. [To the others] Sorry, we can’t meet in sight of the teachers. Go put yourselves into cold storage until we come up with a plan.

Ernie and Hannah: Awwww…. [Wander away]

[As they’re about to leave, Angelina comes up to them]

Angelina: Harry, Ron! Umbridge is forcing us to ask permission to continue Quidditch!

Harry and Ron: What?!

Angelina: Harry, if you don’t stop making Umbridge angry she might cancel Quidditch permanently!

Harry: Don’t worry, I’ll do better from now on.

Angelina: You expect me to believe that?!

Harry: Trust me. I’m the main character. All will work out in the end.

Angelina: I hope you’re right.

[They go to History of Magic…]

Ron: Oh, look. No Umbridge.

[Suddenly…]

Hermione: Look! It’s Hedwig in the window!

Harry: Hedwig?! But why?!

Hedwig: Help me! I’m injured!

Harry: Injured?! [Runs over to Hedwig] What happened to you?!

Hedwig: Owww, my wing hurts! Be gentle!

Harry: Professor Binns! Professor Binns!

Professor Binns: …Yes? What is it, you useless lump?

Harry: My owl’s—I mean, I’m not feeling well and I need to be excused.

Professor Binns: Whatever, it’s not like you contribute to my class.

Harry: Yay! [Runs off with Hedwig in tow] Let’s see…ordinarily I’d take her to Hagrid, but of course Hagrid’s not here…. Professor Grubbly-Plank it is, then! [Runs to staffroom]

Gargoyles: Alright, what’s the password?

Harry: Get the fuck out of my way, that’s what! I’m the main character and I don’t have to take orders from you!

McGonagall: What is all this commotion about?

Harry: Professor McGonagall! My owl’s been injured and I need to give her to Professor Grubbly-Plank!

Professor Grubbly-Plank: Hi!

Harry: There you are! Could you please fix my owl’s wing for me?

Professor Grubbly-Plank: [Takes Hedwig] It looks like she was attacked. It could be a Thestral, but the Thestrals around here are pretty well-trained….

McGonagall: Harry, where did your owl fly from?

Harry: Oh, you know…that one place….

McGonagall: Oh, yes—that place!

Professor Grubbly-Plank: …Could I be outside of an inside joke? [to Harry] I’ll take care of your owl for you, but she shouldn’t fly long distances for awhile.

Harry: Of course, of course!

Professor Grubbly-Plank: Alright, then I’ll take my leave.

McGonagall: Did Harry ever get his mail?

Professor Grubbly-Plank: …Oh, right. Here you go. [Hands Harry his letter and walks away]

McGonagall: You know what I think? I think someone opened your letter and read it.

Harry: Oh, shit…you’re probably right.

[Harry later relays this to Ron and Hermione]

Hermione: This isn’t good.

Harry: Maybe it didn’t happen that way? I mean, the letter was sealed. And it’s not like anyone would know what the message meant….

Hermione: Well, they could have resealed the letter by magic, and could be monitoring the Floo network as we speak….

Harry: …Oh, no….

[Later that day, they run into Draco]

Draco: So, yeah, Umbridge gave the Slytherins permission to play right away. Whereas you Gryffindors? Won’t get permission at all. Because Umbridge actually favors us for once.

Hermione: My friends will never rise to your provocations! Not if I have to tie them up on leashes!

Draco: By the way, Harry, it’s my professional opinion that you’ve lost your sanity and need to be put in St. Mungo’s. You poor insane man.

Neville: Hey! Don’t insult my parents like that! [Charges at Draco]

Harry: How dare you, Navel! I can’t allow you to antagonize Draco—he’s my archenemy! [grabs Neville’s robe]

Neville: He’s making light of my parent’s mental problems! Also my name’s not Navel!

Harry: Shut up! Don’t make Crabbe and Goyle come after you—you haven’t got main character immunity like we have!

Draco: Wow, Navel—I didn’t know you had a tragic past.

Neville: My…name…is…not…NAVEL!

Snape: You called?

Draco: Oh, hello Professor….

Snape: Alright, Gryffindors—you can stop fighting and embarrassing yourselves now. Just get into class.

Ron: Harry, I’ve never seen Navel so upset before!

Neville: I heard that! [Stalks off]

Harry: Don’t be too hard on him—his parents were tortured into insanity by Death Eaters. And his name sucks.

Neville: I heard that too!

[they get to Potions to find Umbridge there!]

Harry: Did I mention that I actually can’t choose whether I hate Umbridge or Snape more? I just might hate Snape even more than I hate the woman who tried to cut up my hand and read The Draco Trilogy to me.

Snape: Alright, so, you children can just make strengthening solutions while I show this woman who’s the boss in the dungeon.

Harry: This is boring. I’ll just eavesdrop on Umbridge and Snape.

Umbridge: Snape, Snape! Why are you teaching them how to make a strengthening solution of all things?

Snape: You have to ask? You…do realize this is my class, right?

Umbridge: Whatever. How long have you been teaching?

Snape: About fourteen years.

Umbridge: I see. I heard you really wanted to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts?

Snape: Yes, that is correct.

Umbridge: So why aren’t you teaching that right now?

Snape: Oh, you know how it is—Dumbledore thinks it’s improper for a Slytherin to teach that class. He says we’re not manly enough.

Umbridge: You’re sure that’s the story you want to go with?

Snape: Positive.

[Umbridge goes off to speak to some other students]

Harry: Aww, I was hoping for something more exciting.

Snape: I heard that, you! [Walks over to Harry] You made that potion wrong! [Vanishes potion] Honestly, you are quite hopeless.

Harry: No fair! It’s not my fault your battle of wits with Umbridge was so much more interesting than my stupid potion!

Snape: …You don’t say—I mean, you’d better start catching up on your studies soon, young man! Since you couldn’t make the potion write me an essay on it!

Harry: Oh, great! Can I get any more things piled on my head?!

[They go to Divination…]

Professor Trelawney: So…you kids just continue your lessons…and…and don’t mind me…. I’ll…I’ll just be off sulking in a corner and examining my life choices…!

Harry: Wow, she seems so gloomy!

Parvati: Professor, what happened to you?!

Professor Trelawney: It’s Umbridge! She’s…she’s put me on teaching probation, sold my prized children’s book to Disney, and forced me to read fanfiction pairing me with Professor Snape!

Harry: That exists?

Parvati: The indignity!

Professor Trelawney: But…other than that, everything’s fine.

[They go to Defense Against the Dark Arts…]

Harry: Hermione, you agree with Umbridge that Trelawney is a fraud, don’t you?

Hermione: No, I think she’s a fraud in a good way, while Umbridge thinks it in an evil way. It’s totally different.

Umbridge: Alright, continue reading your books and don’t bother me.

[Later on…]

Angelina: By the way, Umbridge won’t let us practice Quidditch right now.

Harry: NO! MY LIFE IS OVER!

Hermione: Well at least you have time to do Snape’s essay now.

Harry: THAT’S SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?!

Angelina: You can stop capslocking now.

Harry: OH?! CAN I?!

[Meanwhile, Fred and George are demonstrating a Skiving Snackbox to their fellow students]

Fred: First I eat the orange half. [Eats an orange candy and vomits]

George: And then he eats the purple half.

Fred: I…can…do…this…. [Forces down purple candy] See? I’m all better!

Lee Jordan: We’re not responsible if you die of dehydration.

Gryffindors: Wow! This is awesome!

Hermione: Those two…. Grrrr….

Ron: Well, why don’t you stop them, then?

Hermione: Because they’re not breaking any school rules, and those snackboxes could be handy plot points someday.

Ron: I knew you’d understand!

Harry: You know, Fred and George are actually pretty smart. I don’t know why they’re not doing better in school.

Hermione: Well, they don’t seem skilled with anything that doesn’t pertain to silly practical jokes.

Ron: And who’s to say silly practical jokes aren’t valuable, hm? Like you said, plot points.

[Sometime later, Sirius’s head appears in the fireplace!]

Sirius: Hi!

Harry: Hello, Sirius! It’s so good to hear from you!

Sirius: So how are things?

Harry: Well, Umbridge has banned our top-secret meetings to help destroy her evilness, but other than that, everything’s fine.

Sirius: So that’s why you met in the Hog’s Head?

Harry: How did you know we’ve been to the Hog’s Head?!

Sirius: News travels fast in Hogsmeade. Anyway, did it ever occur to you that you’d actually be less likely to be overheard in a more crowded pub like the Three Broomsticks?

Hermione: You mean… I made a miscalculation?! AAAARGH! Stupid stupid stupid!

Sirius: Anyway, it was Mundungus who reported to me. He’s been keeping an eye on you.

Harry: So that means…I’m still being followed.

Sirius: Yes. Anyway, Ron, your mother says she doesn’t want you to be a part of this Defense Against the Dark Arts group, lest you be expelled.

Ron: She says that now, but I know she’ll come around in the end.

Harry: Well, Sirius, what do you think?

Sirius: I think starting this club was the right choice, myself. You’re better off learning to defend yourself, even if you do get expelled.

Harry: Oh, Sirius! You understand me! [Cries tears of joy]

Sirius: So, anyway, where are you going to meet?

Harry: Oh, crap. We still don’t have a meeting place.

Sirius: The Shrieking Shack, perhaps?

Hermione: That won’t work. It’ll be too conspicuous if we all try to fit in there.

Sirius: Well…maybe there’s another secret hiding place you can use. Let me get back to you—

[Just then, Umbridge’s hand appears in the fire!]

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: RUN AWAY! [They return to their bedrooms]

EXTRAS:

Umbridge: Hermione, I saw you talking to Ernie Macmillan and Hannah Abbot earlier. You weren’t planning anything, were you?

Hermione: Ahaha—we were just…ah…trying to shoo those unworthy Hufflepuffs away from our totally superior Gryffindor table!

Umbridge: I’ll have you know I’m a graduate of Hufflepuff house!

Hermione: You? A Hufflepuff? Don’t make me laugh—you must be a Slytherin!

Umbridge: I tell you, I’m a Hufflepuff!

Hermione: Haha! That’s a good one! Next thing I know, you’ll be telling me about your sexually-abusive stepfather!

Umbridge: H-how did you know about that?!

Hermione: …Oh.... Okay then....