Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 19

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

In honor of the Bonfire Night festivities being held in the city, have another one of these!

Chapter 19

[Now that Harry has a plan for resisting Umbridge, he feels better]

Hermione: So, I’ve proposed that we use fake Galleons I’ve enchanted to alert each other to meeting times.

Ron: Do they have to be fake…?

Terry Boot: Wow, that’s very advanced magic! How are you not in Ravenclaw?*

Hermione: Because otherwise there’s no way I could be friends with the main character, of course!

Harry: By the way, isn’t this awfully similar to how Voldemort alerts Death Eaters to meetings?**

Hermione: Nonsense—it’s totally different because I’m not placing these messages on anyone’s skin! So…anyway, just don’t spend these, okay?

[After a time, though, Gryffindor’s Quidditch match against Slytherin eats up everyone’s time]

McGonagall: I’ll even refrain from giving you homework to help you win!

Snape: I’ll book the field constantly and turn a blind eye to Gryffindor players getting jinxed!

Harry: And Ron is actually a really skilled player, though he lacks self-confidence. He’s so good, in fact, he’s on par with professional players!

Ron: Harry, Harry! How ever did you deal with the Slytherins teasing you about Quidditch?

Harry: Oh, I suppose I’ve just gotten used to it.

Ron: Gotten used to it?! You?!

Harry: Yes. Why?

Ron: I’m doomed.

[The match takes place on a cold, cold morning]

Ron: Harry, why did I ever sign up for Quidditch? I’m terrible. I can’t even make a save on purpose—all those spectacular saves were accidents!

Harry: Well, I accidentally got put in charge of a defense organization and look how well that’s turning out!

Ron: But…but…you’ve got main character immunity and I don’t! [Cries]

[Luna appears wearing a hat shaped like a lion, which roars]

Luna: Don’t I have such exquisitely-quirky ways of supporting my friends?

Ron: No, not really.

Luna: Hmph! [Leaves]

Angelina: So, you guys will join me on the pitch after breakfast, right?

Harry: We’re coming.

Hermione: By the way, the Slytherins made badges again.

Harry: Badges? What kind of badges?

[On the way out, Harry is able to discern that they say “Weasley is our king”]

[They go to meet their team…]

Angelina: So I’ve just received word that Crabbe and Goyle are Slytherin’s Beaters now.

Harry: Well that’s good news, because they’re so stupid there’s no way they’ll be a credible threat!

Angelina: What a coincidence—Slytherin’s last Beaters were stupid too. No wonder we keep beating them—they suck at assembling a competent team!

[They go out to the pitch and the game begins…]

Lee Jordan: Angelina is such a magnificent captain. Why won’t she go out with me?

McGonagall: Jordan, will you keep your head in the game?

Lee Jordan: It’s an honest question.

McGonagall: Maybe if you were a main character.

Lee Jordan: Hey, listen—the crowd’s singing.

Slytherins: Weasley is a loser! Weasley is a loser! Weasley will make sure we’ll win, which is why he’s our king!

Ron: Oh fuck you! [Cries]

[A Slytherin Chaser manages to score while Ron is distracted]

Harry: Oh, no! This is terrible! What can I do to help my friend Ron?!

Angelina: Harry! Never mind Ron! Just keep your head in the game!

Harry: Oh, right. If I catch the Snitch it won’t matter how much Ron screws up.

[Ron lets in three more goals, though Katie scores against Slytherin once]

Harry: Oh, no! I must catch the Snitch now, to rescue our good name!

[Harry eventually catches the Snitch, but a Bludger knocks him off his broom shortly afterward]

Angelina: Harry, are you okay?

Harry: Of course I am—I only fell a few feet.

Draco: You may have won the game, but I still think your friend is a sorry excuse for a Keeper, and will gloat about this until we are very, very old men.

Harry: Whatever. He’s used to being overshadowed by me anyway.

Draco: By the way, it’s my professional opinion that his mother is fat and his father is a loser.

Fred and George: How dare you?!

Angelina: Please don’t start fighting now. Not when we won fair and square.

Harry: I have to agree with Angelina here.

Draco: Oh, and did I mention that I have about as high an opinion of your mother as I do the Weasleys’ mother? That is to say, as low as the Marianas Trench?

Harry: How dare you insult my mother! [Charges Draco and starts punching him]

Madam Hooch: Oh, no you don’t! Impedimenta! [Blasts Harry with a spell that sends him flying backward] All of you! Go to your Head of House at once!

[Harry, Fred, and George go to Professor McGonagall…]

McGonagall: How dare you make my house look bad by beating up another student!

Harry: But…but…this is Draco Malfoy we’re talking about! He deserves everything he gets!

McGonagall: That’s the excuse you use to justify beating someone up for no reason?!

Fred: Well he did insult our parents.

McGonagall: Repeat after me: wands and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

Harry: But…but…words do hurt!

Umbridge: I thought I might find you here!

Harry: Oh, no. It’s her.

Umbridge: I heard that! [to Professor McGonagall] What is going on here?

McGonagall: I don’t see how that’s any of your business.

Umbridge: You honestly think something like that will convince someone as evil as me to go away?

McGonagall: Alright, when you put it that way, I suppose I have no choice but to tolerate you for this one scene. [to Harry, Fred, and George] So, all three of you will face detention for beating up a fellow student--

Umbridge: And furthermore, you’re suspended from Quidditch!

McGonagall: …You…have no authority to say such a thing!

Umbridge: Oh, yes I do.  I have an official document from the Minister of Magic himself giving me authority to assign punishments and override the judgment of another teacher if need be. [Produces document]

McGonagall: This can’t be happening….

Umbridge: But it is—it’s signed by the Minister of Magic so you have to respect it. I hereby order these three suspended from playing Quidditch, and I’m confiscating their brooms as well.

Harry: You evil monster! Are you even human?!

Umbridge: Thank you. I appreciate the compliment.

[Later that day…]

Angelina: Oh, no! This is terrible! How ever will we play without you three?! You’re the only good—I mean, the best players we’ve got!

Alicia: Besides, Crabbe hit a Bludger at Harry after he’d caught the Snitch, and he’s not been banned.

Ginny: Wow, favoritism sucks when you’re not on the receiving end!

[Ron doesn’t return to the common room until late at night]

Harry: Ron, you look frozen half to death.

Ron: Do I?

Harry: You weren’t trying to kill yourself, were you?

Ron: So what if I was? I’m so awful at Quidditch I should just resign.

Harry: But you can’t resign now! Not when Fred, George, and I have been kicked off the team!

Ron: You were kicked off the team?! But how?!

Hermione: Umbridge decided to ban Harry just for beating up Draco Malfoy after he insulted his mother.

Ron: The indignity! …Oh, but if I were better at Quidditch I’m sure this wouldn’t have happened.

Harry: Don’t blame yourself. If you want to blame anyone, blame Malfoy.

Ron: But that song made me so upset.

Harry: But I was the one who punched him.

Ron: Well…I suppose that’s true.

Hermione: By the way, Hagrid’s back. I just saw him going toward his hut.

Harry and Ron: WHAT?!

*A/N: Just because you point out that Hermione would be a textbook Ravenclaw if she didn’t have to be in Gryffindor for the sake of the story doesn’t excuse it, Rowling….

**A/N: For the record, this was also in the text.