Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 21

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[The next day, Hermione tries to trek through the snow to visit Hagrid again, but comes back disappointed]

Hermione: I’ve tried to tell him that his lesson plans are stupid and will make him look bad, but he won’t listen to me!

Ron: Well, since when has he ever listened to any of us?

[Hagrid shows up in the Great Hall at breakfast the next day]

Harry: You know, I’m beginning to think the other students who view Hagrid with suspicion are right about him.

[They go to Care of Magical Creatures to see that Hagrid has a dead cow, and looks no less beat up than before.]

Hagrid: Today we’re going to be in the Forbidden Forest.

Draco: Are you trying to kill us again?!

Hagrid: This time you won’t be in any danger of getting killed.

Draco: You expect us to believe that?! How did you get so badly injured?!

Hagrid: I don’t have to tell you that, because you are not a main character.

Draco: Damn you! You’ll pay for this in the next book when I get to keep secrets from all of you!

[They go into the forest, where Hagrid drops off the carcass. Some skeletal winged horses descend and start eating it.]

Harry: W-what are those?!

Ron: What are what?

Harry: Those creepy horses!

Ron: Horses?

Hagrid: Alright, who can see the horses?

[Three people raise their hands, including Harry and Neville]

Draco: Horses?! There’s nothing there at all!

Parvati: Yes there is! Look! It’s eating the cow!

Hagrid: These are called Thestrals.

Parvati: Aren’t Thestrals supposed to be unlucky?

Hagrid: No, they’re not unlucky—they’re actually useful beasts of burden if you happen to be fortunate enough to be a main character or as awesome as Dumbledore.

Parvati: Like, how comforting….

Hermione: Hagrid, is it true that the only people who can see Thestrals are those who have seen death?

Hagrid: That’s very true.

Umbridge: Hello, everybody!

Hagrid: Oh, no—it’s her.

Umbridge: I heard that! So…what exactly are you doing today?

Hagrid: We’re studying Thestrals!

Umbridge: Uh-huh. You’re half-giant, aren’t you? Did I mention I’m racist against part-humans?

Hagrid: Oh, you…. Ahem, anyway, Hogwarts is really lucky to have a herd of Thestrals living here—

Umbridge: Aren’t Thestrals a little dangerous to be used in a lesson?

Draco: My savior!

Umbridge: Oh, shut up you brat!

Hagrid: Well, I daresay they’re no more dangerous than the other things these kids face on a regular basis!

Umbridge: You mean like me?—I mean, don’t you think that just makes the school look bad?

Hagrid: The politics of this school don’t concern me. I’m too stupid to understand them in any case.

Umbridge: Yet you’re a teacher here?

Hagrid: Oh, never mind! I can see I can’t win with you!

Hermione: Hagrid, don’t encourage her….

Hagrid: Whatever, can we just get back to the Thestrals? Anyway, as I was saying, Thestrals have such amazing senses of direction that they can take you literally anywhere in the world on a whim. I can think of no way this might become a plot point!

Umbridge: So, Pansy Parkinson, what do you think of Hagrid?

Pansy: I think he’s a horrible teacher, and really stupid too. You know, because he’s half-giant and stuff.

Umbridge: You have a trustworthy face; therefore I believe you unquestioningly.

Pansy: Wow, you really think so?!

Umbridge: Well, you told me what I want to hear, anyway. [walks over to Neville] Navel, can you see those Thestrals?

Neville: Yes, I can. But my name isn’t Navel, thanks, it’s Neville.

Umbridge: That means someone you knew died, right? Who was it?

Neville: It was my grandfather—wait, how is that any of your business?!

Umbridge: It’s my job to get into everyone’s business, thank you very much. Are you scared of the horses?

Neville: If I say yes, will you leave me alone?

Umbridge: Maybe, if I feel like it.

Neville: Aargh! I can’t win with her!

Umbridge: What a rude teacher, and a rude bunch of students! Well, no matter, I have what I need now. Time for me to depart. [Leaves]

[After the lesson…]

Hermione: Umbridge is a horrible person! How dare she pick on Hagrid over the Thestrals! Thestrals are cool—they’re not like last year’s Blast-ended Skrewts!

Ron: Don’t you think it’s a little gruesome that three people in that class could see them, though?

Hermione: I suppose so. I doubt this’ll come up again, though.

Ron: I wouldn’t count on it. Like Hagrid said, these horses seem like they’d make excellent plot devices.

[The holidays approach…]

Harry: And everyone else is going to spend a great time with their families but I have to be stuck at school all alone with Umbridge and no Quidditch! Why is my life so miserable?!

Ron: Harry, did you want to come to my house for the holidays?

Harry: Yay! I feel better now!

[On the last DA meeting before the holidays, Dobby decorates the Room of Requirement with ornaments that all bear tribute to Harry!]

Harry: Well Dobby just got…even creepier than he was before!

Luna: Oh, look at this décor. I may copy it for my own bedroom.

Harry: You wouldn’t.

Luna: Oh yes I would. Don’t you know that all hipsters are creepers inside?

Kate: By the way, Harry, we’ve replaced you as Seeker.

Harry: Replace me, the great Harry Potter?! But with who?!

Kate: Jenny Weasley, of course.

Harry: Ginny has been made Seeker?!

Angelina: Yes, and she’s actually not bad at it. Though she’s not quite as good as you, seeing as you’re the main character and all.

[When everyone else arrives, they all practice jinxes and spells…]

Harry: Wow, Navel—you’re really improving!

Neville: Thanks, but my name isn’t Navel.

[When everyone else is ready to leave, Cho hangs back]

Cho: If only my Cedric had been able to learn all these things—he’d still be alive. [Sobs]

Harry: Don’t worry—it’s not his fault this school can’t teach defense to save its life.

Cho: Yes, but…you’re actually a really good teacher, you know that?

Harry: Aww, you don’t say?

Cho: Yes. If things had turned out differently, well, I might actually have been willing to date you.

Harry: What do you mean, if things had turned out differently?

Cho: Well…you’re destined to marry a major character, like that Jenny Weasley. I can’t compete with that—I’m just a side character.

Harry: Maybe you’ll turn out to be a main character?

Cho: Oh, I wish. I’m not even a Gryffindor. I’m practically chattel. [Cries]

Harry: There, there. Luna Lovegood’s on a fast track to being a main character, and she’s a Ravenclaw just like you.

Cho: No, this could never work. I…I have to go. [Kisses Harry and leaves]

[Harry returns to the common room…]

Hermione: What took you so long? Are you really that enamored of Cho Chang?

Harry: How did you know?

Ron: Did you kiss her?

Harry: Guilty as charged.

Ron: Oh, wow. In these books, that’s practically losing your virginity.

Hermione: I’m surprised. You’d think Cho would be too miserable to kiss anyone.

Ron: Miserable?

Hermione: Over Cedric’s death, remember? And if she does like Harry too, well, that’s even worse.

Ron: Wow, feelings are so complicated.

Hermione: It could be that she’s hoping to become a main character through hooking up with Harry.

Ron: Why do I get an awful sense of foreboding?

Harry: Hey! Only I’m allowed to have those!

Hermione: Maybe you should go on a date with Cho in Hogsmeade or something?

Harry: …I’ll work on it.

Ron: By the way, Hermione, who are you writing that letter to? You’ve been working on it for ages.

Hermione: Viktor Krum, of course. Now if you’ll excuse me…. [Leaves]

Ron: Well, if she can date a foreign guy who only appeared in one other book so far, I guess you’re free to date Cho Chang.

[That night, Harry has a strange dream, that he’s a snake, biting a man]

Harry: Oh, no! My precognition is telling me that Arthur Weasley is in trouble! I must tell Ron!

Neville: Oh, no—I’ll go get Professor McGonagall right away!

Ron: Harry, you just had a bad dream.

Harry: It wasn’t a dream—your father’s been attacked!

Ron: What?

McGonagall: What’s going on here?

Ron: Professor, Professor! Harry says he had a dream my father was attacked!

McGonagall: Oh, dear. We must see Dumbledore.