Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 26

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

A quick mea culpa before I proceed. I know that a couple entries ago some people were kind of put-off by my associating Legilimency with rape. I must confess I was TVTropes-contaminating a bit here, since they refer to any sort of psychic assault as “mind rape (and I have a dim view of mind-reading in general).” I still think the way it’s presented in the series is creepy, but I do admit that “rape” was probably not the best choice of words I could have used, so in future I will come up with some other way of discussing it.

That said…

Harry: So, Luna, when do you think my article will come out?

Luna: Eh, probably in the edition after the one on Crumple-horned Snorkacks that my father’s been putting together.

Harry: What? But why in the hell would you hold off on a story about me to talk about some imaginary animal?!

Luna: What gives you the right to dictate what animals are real and what ones are imaginary?!

Harry: Well…Hermione says they’re not real and she knows everything!

Luna: Hey, which of us is the Ravenclaw?

Harry: …You’ve got me there.

Luna: So now are you convinced?

Harry: No.

Neville: I sure do feel bad for you, having to talk about something so difficult.

Harry: Well, a main character’s gotta do what a main character’s gotta do.

Neville: Oh, will you stop rubbing it in my face how much more important than me you are?!

Harry: Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it? I mean, these books are the Harry Potter books, not the Navel Longbottom books.

Neville: My name is not Navel you idiot!

Harry: Whatever.

Neville: AAAAARGH! [Headtable]

Hermione: Anyway, how did your date with Cho go?

Harry: It was awful. She started crying and left me. Just because I said I was meeting with you later.

Hermione: Well, that explains it.

Harry: What explains what?

Hermione: She must have thought you had a date with me too, duh. If you had just said you were meeting with me on business but would rather spend the day with her—and if you said I was ugly, seeing as she’s so shallow and feminine and stuff….

Harry: Wow, in retrospect I wonder why I didn’t think of that.

[Just then, Ron and Ginny enter]

Harry: So, how was quidditch?

Ginny: It was awful. Again.

Ron: Still wish you could have gone to practice Harry?

Harry: Well, yes, because I wouldn’t suck as much as you!

Ginny: Hey! I thought I was okay!

Fred: Well you know what they say about a chain and its weakest link. By the way, how did you get so good?

Hermione: Hasn’t she been breaking into your broom shed for years to steal your equipment?

George: What?! How in the hell did you know that and not us?!*

Hermione: We talked about it. It’s not my fault if you never figured it out.

Fred: By the way, now that we’re not playing quidditch it’s getting harder and harder for me to see why George and I are still here. Hint hint. Oh, by the way, apparently Murtlap essence clears up boils you get from eating our candy.

George: And now we’re fixing to lose to Zacharias Smith of all people! Fuck that Hufflepuff scumbag! I could kill him!

Hermione: That’s not creepy at all! Don’t you think you get a little too into this game? And don’t you think that’s bad for house unity?

Harry: Hey, if not for quidditch we’d just find some other reason to hate the other houses! At least quidditch is fun!

Hermione: It’s fun to have your happiness depend on how skilled a couple of stupid players are?

Harry: You do have a point, I guess.

[The next quidditch game arrives, and Gryffindor loses]

Harry: And to Hufflepuff of all houses! …Come to think of it, aren’t they the only house who’s ever beaten us at quidditch?

Ginny: You know, Harry, you’ll probably be let back on the team once Umbridge leaves.

Harry: How do you know she’s leaving?

Ginny: Well, she’s an evil monster and you’re the main character—it stands to reason you’ll best her eventually.

Harry: Good point.

Ginny: And when that happens, I think I’ll try out for Chaser, since that’s the position I really wanted.

Harry: So how is Ron doing?

Ginny: Angelina says she has so much faith in him she won’t let him resign.

Harry: Isn’t that just cruel of her, to force him to play a game that gives him so much distress?

Ginny: Well, since when have Gryffindors ever cared about the feelings of even our own house mates?

[They all go to bed…]

Harry: And I can’t even clear my mind because I’m too angry at Umbridge and Snape! Just generally!

[When Harry goes to sleep, he has that dream again]

Harry: Yes, that’s it, let me see what’s behind the door….

Ron: [Snores]

Harry: Aaagh! Ron! Why do you have to snore so annoyingly and wake me up from my important symbolic dreams?!

Ron: What’d I do?!

[The next day, Harry’s story appears in The Quibbler!]

Harry: And look at all this fanmail I got!

Hermione: It looks like you’ve convinced some, and some just think you’re mad.

Harry: Well…that’s still better than having everyone and their mother think I’m mad!

Umbridge: And just what is going on here?

Harry: Oh, I’m just admiring all this fanmail I got for giving an interview about Voldemort coming back.

Umbridge: You actually gave an interview about such an absurd lie?!

Harry: It’s not a lie, it’s the truth! So there!

Umbridge: How dare you defy me! Just for that, I’m revoking your privilege to go to Hogsmeade, and confiscating and banning The Quibbler magazine, and I’m sentencing you to another week’s worth of detentions, in which I will perform dramatic readings of rape fanfiction to add to your misery!

Harry: You monster! [Cries]

Hermione: Well, look on the bright side—The Quibbler will become a hot item now that it’s been banned.

[Sure enough, by the end of the day all the students and teachers believe Harry’s side of the story]

Harry: This is the best day ever!

Cho: By the way, it was really brave of you to give the interview.

Harry: Aww, you really think so?

Cho: Absolutely!

Seamus: Also, my mother and I believe you now!

Harry: Oh, good—now we can be friends again!

Draco: I still say you’re insane.

Harry: You’re just bitter because I named your dad as a Death Eater.

Draco: Whatever.

[But when Harry goes to bed that night he has a dream that he’s Voldemort interrogating someone named Rookwood about Bode]

Harry: Aaaaaagh!

Ron: What? What is it?

Harry: I just had a dream that I was Voldemort!

Ron: What?!

Harry:  Yeah, and he said that he wants Rookwood’s help, and that he had put Bode under the Imperius Curse to get him something….

Ron: Wow, that isn’t good.

Harry: I’ll bet this wouldn’t have happened if I knew Occlumency.

Ron: So…does this mean you’re going to apply yourself to Snape’s lessons?

Harry: Probably not.

[The next morning, Harry tells Hermione everything]

Hermione: Oh, so that’s why Bode is dead. The Death Eaters put a spell on him, and then decided to silence him when there was a chance he might explain what happened.

Harry: It gets better—I remember seeing Bode in the Department of Mysteries the day of my hearing!

Hermione: Oh, that explains quite a lot! …Oh, but you shouldn’t have had this dream, Harry—you need to get better at Occlumency.

Harry: But Occlumency is haaaaard!

[Next time Harry has an Occlumency lesson…]

Snape: Harry! What was that memory about the man in the dark room?

Harry: Oh, that? That was just a dream.

Snape: And what was that dream about, pray tell?

Harry: It was…ah…I’d been listening to too much Iron Maiden, and I think it went to my head—

Snape: Since when do you listen to a muggle rock band?

Harry: I…ah…started listening to them over the holidays, and they were so good I couldn’t stop—

Snape: I don’t believe you. What was that dream about?

Harry: Alright, it was about Voldemort.

Snape: I knew it—you haven’t been practicing at all, have you?

Harry: I figured I’d learn it by osmosis?

Snape: Very funny. Harry, do you enjoy having these dreams?

Harry: What? No!

Snape: Are you sure? You don’t think it makes you feel special or important?

Harry: Why would I need any more proof of that when I’m already the main character?

Snape: Do you see yourself as some sort of mystical prophet for having these visions?

Harry: No, not at all. Why do you ask?

Snape: Then practice Occlumency and learn to stop having them!

Harry: Alright, you’ve made your point.

Snape: Then let’s resume. Legilimens!

Harry: I…can…just…keep…it…together…enough…. Protego!

[Harry is assaulted by visions of Snape’s childhood]

Harry: Wow, Snape—you were abused by your family?

Snape: What?! What the hell are you seeing?! Alright, that’s enough! [Ends spell]

Harry: Ha! This time I get to inflict mental torment on you! How does it feel, huh?!

Snape: Well, you certainly succeeded. I’ll give you credit where credit is due.

Harry: Yay! I’m getting credit from Snape!

Snape:  Don’t think it will last if you can’t protect yourself a second time. Legilimens!

[This time, Harry sees himself going down the corridor, and opening the door to find it leads to more doors]

Snape: Harry! What the hell?!

Harry: What? What do you mean?

Snape: What was that vision?! It was that dream again, wasn’t it?!

Harry: Oh, yeah. It was.

Snape: Don’t act so nonchalant! You’re supposed to be stopping yourself from having those dreams!

Harry: You’re mean! [Cries]

[Just then, someone screams upstairs]

Snape: Oh, no—it’s the plot! We must investigate!

[Snape leaves, and Harry follows soon afterward.]

[In the entrance hall…]

Professor Trelawney: You’ll never take me alive! This is my home!

Umbridge: I can do whatever I want to you, and I say you’re fired.

Parvati: You monster!

Umbridge: Silence, you silly Indian girl! I’m evil and in charge and have the Ministry’s ear so what I say goes!

McGonagall: This can never be. Dumbledore won’t stand for it.

Umbridge: Ooh, I’m so scared of Dumblydore. What’s he going to do, choke me to death with lemon drops?

Dumbledore: Hi!

Umbridge: Oh, you!

Dumbledore: So, anyway, I see you’ve fired one of my teachers without my permission.

Umbridge: I don’t require your permission to do anything! I have the Ministry’s ear and they agree with me!

Dumbledore: Well, Trelawney doesn’t have to teach, but she does have to remain at Hogwarts.

Trelawney: Remain at Hogwarts with this horrible monster?! No thank you!

Dumbledore: I insist.

Trelawney: Do I have to?

Dumbledore: Yes. For reasons of plot.

Trelawney: Stupid plot.

McGonagall: Now seems like a good time to exit stage right.

[She and a number of other teachers escort Trelawney away]

Umbridge: Play the plot card if you like, but just how do you intend to find a new teacher?

Dumbledore: Oh, that’s easy! I just invited a centaur we met five books ago to have the job!

Umbridge: A centaur?! Are you mad?!

Firenze: Hi!

Umbridge: Aaaaagh! My ingenious evil plan is falling to pieces!

Dumbledore: Exactly. I win this round.

*A/N: Okay, I guess this could have come up in conversation once or twice, but it still feels like a cheap attempt to have Hermione Explain It All—again….