Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 28

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

The chapter we’ve all been waiting for—the first glimpse of Snape’s worst memory!!

[With Dumbledore gone, Umbridge is instated as Headmistress]

Ernie Macmillan: Look on the bright side—Dumbledore’s gargoyle won’t let Umbridge use his office.

Harry: …And?

Ernie Macmillan: Well…this has happened once before. And Dumbledore came back.

Harry: True, true.

Hermione: At least Umbridge is having a hard time of things—she deserves all the hardship she gets.

Draco: Hiiiiii!

Hermione: Oh, it’s you. What do you want?

Draco: Well, seeing as I’m now a part of Umbridge’s personal Inquisitorial Squad, I wanted to take some points from Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. Just because I’m an asshole.

Hermione: Umbridge has a student squad? This is a thing?

Draco: It’s absolutely a thing, and this “thing” will make your life hell. Because you’re a mudblood. I think I’ll take some points off for that.

Ron: How dare you be racist against my friend!

Hermione: Now now—I’ll look more noble if I endure this abuse quietly.

Harry: Hey, that’s supposed to be my job!

Hermione: We can share.

Draco: Well this is boring. So long, losers! [Leaves]

[Sure enough, later that day all the students from every house but Slytherin see that they’ve lost points.]

Fred: By the way, a Slytherin named Montague tried to take points away from us so we shoved him in a vanishing cabinet. I wonder if this will become a plot point in any way?

Hermione: Isn’t that potentially dangerous for both him and you?

Fred: Oh, come on—he was a slimy Slytherin! He deserved it! Oh, by the way, we’re planning something big.

Hermione: Like what?

George: I’ll show you when the time comes.

Hermione: You’re not going to do anything that would give Umbridge an excuse to expel you?

Fred: Whoever said we cared about being expelled. Now that Dumbledore’s gone all we care about is sticking it to the man! Or rather, Umbridge!

Hermione: What exactly do you mean by that?

George: Come to the Great Hall and you’ll see.

[They leave, and Harry and his friends turn to go separate ways]

Filch: Aha! There you are!

Harry: Aaagh! Mr. Norris! What are you doing here?!

Filch: My name is Filch, you idiot! Anyway, I want you to come with me to see the Headmistress.

Harry: Why on Earth are you taking me to see the Headmistress?

Filch: Because I think you’re guilty.

Harry: Of what?

Filch: All in good time. By the way, did you know I’m thrilled that Umbridge is here? She’s going to let me whip and torture you just like I’ve always wanted! [Fanboy sigh]

Harry: I always knew you’d support her! I knew you were trouble from the moment I first laid eyes on you!

Filch: I felt the exact same way about you, you know!

[They go to Umbridge’s office…]

Harry: Aagh! She’s chained up my broom! Why does she taunt me so?!

Umbridge: Hello, you disgusting brat.

Harry: It’s a lovely day to see you too, evil scum. So what torment do you have in store for me this time?

Umbridge: Oh, nothing—I just want you to drink some tea which is not at all spiked! [Produces tea]

Harry: Oh, tea, is that right?

Umbridge: If you’re a good boy I might read you some halfway-decent fanfiction. I may even enlist you to help me support some miners I know in Wales.

Harry: You’re hiding something from me, I just know it. You’re never this nice.

Umbridge: I’m not…?! Well…! I could say the same exact thing to you! Now drink that tea!

Harry: What if I don’t want to?

Umbridge: I’ll get “Draco Veritas!”

Harry: No, no! Anything but that! Okay, okay, I’ll do it! [Pretends to take a sip of tea]

Umbridge: You’re not just faking drinking that tea to pacify me, are you?

Harry: No, don’t be silly!

Umbridge: Right. Alright, then, tell me where Albus Dumbledore is.

Harry: I don’t know where he is.

Umbridge: What? You mean he hasn’t told you that after everything you two have collaborated on together?

Harry: No he hasn’t, okay?! He’s been such a horrible jerk to me and hasn’t told me anything! [Cries]

Umbridge: Okay…well…do you at least know where Sirius Black is?

Harry: I don’t know and I couldn’t tell you if I did because it’s protected. [Pause] Oops, did I say that last bit out loud?

Umbridge: Well, isn’t that nice. You do know where he is, don’t you?

Harry: No! What on earth gave you that idea?!

[Just then, there’s an explosion from upstairs]

Umbridge: Aagh! Now I have to go investigate! [She leaves]

[Harry follows close behind, and sees that the Great Hall has been overrun by enchanted fireworks!]

Harry: Wow, cool!

Umbridge: This is a disaster!

George: By the way, Harry, did you know that the fireworks explode when you try to stun them and multiply when you try to vanish them?! I can think of no way this might come back to bite the school in the ass!

[The other teachers seem to be okay with them, though.]

Umbridge: You’re really okay with having fireworks like these flying all over the place?!

McGonagall: I don’t mind them at all. If they bother you so much why don’t you get rid of them?

Umbridge: But I can’t! I order you other teachers who can get rid of them to do it!

Flitwick: But we don’t have the authority to do anything about them! Only you do!

Umbridge: Very funny! You just like to see me miserable.

McGonagall: What, you can’t stand a taste of your own medicine?

Umbridge: I’m surrounded by freaks!

[Later, in the common room…]

Hermione: Fred, George, I know I was harsh on you earlier, but now that you’ve decided to turn your pranks toward making my enemies suffer all is forgiven.

Fred: We knew you’d come around once you saw how useful we can be.

Hermione: Yes, yes. Useful is a good word.

[That night, Harry goes to bed…]

Harry: I see that corridor again! Oh, what could this possibly mean?

[He enters a strange room full of dusty orbs]

Harry: And somehow these orbs interest me greatly but I just can’t figure out why.

[Harry is woken up when some fireworks explode into more fireworks]

Harry: Fucking fireworks! I oughtta…! …Oh fuck I have to see Snape about my dreams again tomorrow, don’t I?

[The next day, as Harry goes down to the dungeons to meet Snape…]

Cho: Harry, Harry!

Harry: Oh, hello!

Cho: So, anyway, I just wanted to apologize for what Marietta did—

Harry: Good! I can’t believe you were friends with that awful, awful girl! I’m so glad her face is still as marked-up as ever!

Cho: Hey, that’s not very nice! She’s not a bad girl, she just made a mistake!

Harry: She sold us out to that evil scumbag Umbridge! I could have been tortured for that! Or worse!

Cho: Why does everything always have to be about you? Did you ever think that maybe she had a conflict of interest, seeing as her mother works for the Ministry and all?

Harry: Who cares if she had a conflict of interest?! She betrayed me! [Cries]

Cho: Anyway, why in the hell didn’t Hermione tell us that she’d jinxed that list to mark up people’s faces?

Harry: I thought it was understood that we weren’t supposed to tell.

Cho: But she specifically said adding your name to that list wasn’t binding!

Harry: Oh, come on—since when are denials that specific ever true?

Cho: So you’re saying we should have read her mind?!

Harry: Silence! Hermione is far too clever and talented for me to lose her as a partner! I will not hear you say anything bad about her!

Cho: Honestly, you are quite hopeless! [Leaves]

Harry: Aaaaargh why is everyone so mean to me all the time?!

[He heads to the dungeons…]

Snape: So, you have been practicing, haven’t you?

Harry: [Innocently] Yes, yes, of course I have.

[But just then, Draco enters!]

Draco: Snape, Snape! Umbridge needs your help! They found Montague in a toilet upstairs!

Snape: Fine, fine! I suppose I have to go save one of my students now. [To Harry] Be a good boy and stay exactly where you are until I get back! [Leaves]

Harry: Oh, good—now Snape is distracted! This is the perfect time to go through all his top-secret thoughts, feelings, and memories! [Sticks his head in Snape’s Pensieve]

[Harry is transported to a time when his parents and Snape were at school]

Harry: And they’re all the same age as me—this is OWL year. Oh, wow—Sirius was so hot as a teenager! And so was my father, though that’s probably because he looks almost exactly like me.

[Harry follows Snape and his father outside, to where they hang out. His father is playing with a stolen Golden Snitch]

Potter: Tra-la-laaa, playing with stolen property is the life for meeeeeeeee.

Wormtail: You are so skilled with that Golden Snitch, Potter! I am in awe of your greatness!

Sirius: Whatever, loser. You’re just hoping that if you lick Potter’s boots enough he’ll treat you as an equal.

Wormtail: No, that’s not it at all!

Sirius: Sure it isn’t! Hey Potter, I’m bored!

Potter: Huh. I wonder what I can do to cheer you up. I know! Let’s torment a slimy Slytherin! Like that one! [Points to Snape]

Sirius: Oh, yeah! That sounds like great fun!

Potter: Expelliarmus! Impedimenta!

[Snape is immobilized and left helpless]

Snape: Aaaagh! Release me you cowards!

Potter: I shall not release you for you are a slimy Slytherin and deserve all the tormenting ever.

Snape: What have I done to deserve this? [Cries]

Lily: I thought I heard something over here!

Harry: Holy shit, it’s my mother!

Lily: So, anyway, James Potter, as a prefect I hereby ask that you let this poor Slytherin go.

Potter: But why?

Lily: Because you’re bullying him, that’s why. I saw the whole thing—he was minding his own business and you started picking on him.

Potter: If I agree to let him go will you go out with me?

Lily: No! Is that even a question?!

Snape: I will not be ignored in my hour of need! Take THIS! Plot-relevant curse! [He grabs his wand and inflicts a gash on Potter’s face]

Potter: Owie! That hurt! See how you like this! [Hangs Snape upside-down]

Lily: Now you’re making him expose himself?!

Potter: Oh, was that too much? I’m sorry. [Releases Snape] How about this? Petrificus totalus!

Snape: Aaaaah! [Falls over]

Lily: [Facepalm] Look, just…let him alone, alright?

Snape: Can you come and help me over here?!

Lily: Oh, quiet you—this is the scene where I get to look noble for interceding on your behalf!

Snape: How dare you patronize me, you…you…mudblood you!

Lily: How dare you call me that! Just for that, I think I’ll leave you to your tormentors! Snivellus!

Potter: Hooray!

Lily: Don’t think I’m taking your side. You’re lucky you’re not a genocidal racist.

Snape: I am not a genocidal racist!

Potter: Yes you are!

Snape: No I’m not!

Lily: Whatever. I can’t take much more of you losers. Good day! [Leaves]

Potter: I can’t for the life of me imagine why that Lily Evans doesn’t like me. She and I would make such a cute couple. And have the most adorable and lovable son ever.

Sirius: Well…maybe she just thinks you’re conceited, you know. Because…you kind of are.

Potter: Conceited? Being conceited is my best quality! Oh, well—let’s torment the slimy Slytherin some more!

Sirius: Yes, let’s!

Snape: I hate my life. [Cries]

[But just then, Harry is dragged out of the Pensieve!]

Snape: Oh, you…! I told you not to go looking in my Pensieve, did I not?!

Harry: Well, like I said before, since when has that ever stopped me…?

Snape: Don’t play smart with me you little punk! I told you not to look in that Pensieve, and now you did, and henceforth I forbid you from coming down to this dungeon again! I don’t care if Voldemort can get inside your mind! And if you tell anyone what you saw, so help me, I’ll…!

Harry: You’ll what?

Snape: …Use your imagination.

[Harry leaves]

Harry: Wow…so Snape was bullied as a child…and I was bullied as a child. Could it be that, maybe, just maybe, I’m expected to sympathize with him about all this? Was my father not the paragon of virtue I had always imagined him to be?

[Meanwhile, back in the dungeons…]

Snape: Oh, why did he look inside my private Pensieve?! MY LIFE IS COMPLETELY RUINED! YET AGAIN! [Weeps buckets]