Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 30

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[Following the departure of Fred and George, all the other students start thinking up new ways to make Umbridge miserable]

McGonagall: I could put a stop to any of their little pranks easily, of course, but if I did that I wouldn’t get to watch the torment of someone I hated for as long.

Filch: How on earth am I supposed to whip and torture misbehaving students when so few of them behave nowadays?

Umbridge: And now students have turned up to my class sick! For every class! I know they’re doing it on purpose to spite me!

[One day, in Charms…]

Hermione: So, anyway, I heard that that Montague person has still not recovered from being stuffed in the toilet.

Ron: Yeah, so?

Hermione: Well…do you think he’s permanently injured?

Harry: Who cares? He’s a slimy Slytherin, and his pain will bog down Umbridge even more!

Hermione: Honestly, you two are quite hopeless.

Ron: Anyway, I just know that my mother will blame me for Fred and George leaving, and I’ll get in trouble.

Hermione: But there’s no way she can possibly think that’s your fault. Besides, didn’t they say they were planning something?

Ron: Oh, yeah—the joke shop. But…just how did they get the money?

Harry: That’s easy—I’m the one who gave it to them!

Hermione: …Really?

Harry: Yeah. I gave them my winnings from the Triwizard Tournament.

Ron: Oh, good. Now she’ll know to blame you, and not me!

Harry:  You know she’d never punish me even if she did disapprove of something I did.

Ron: Don’t remind me….

[Sometime later…]

Hermione: So, Harry, are you planning to go back and ask Snape to continue Occlumency lessons any time soon?

Harry: H-how did you know I’m still in need of Occlumency?!

Hermione: Well, Ron has been confiding in me about your strange dreams, which you’ve been having every night for the past little while.

Harry: What?! You and Ron have a relationship that doesn’t involve me?! How dare you!

Ron: Well…we are destined to end up married.

Harry: Well…anyway…my dreams are none of your business!

Hermione: Harry, seriously, are you even trying with Occlumency?

Harry: Yes, of course I am.

Hermione: Really?

Ron: I don’t believe you.

Harry: …Alright, I’m not at all trying. But don’t you think these dreams could come in handy?

Hermione and Ron: …No, not really.

Ron: Anyway, let’s talk about how that slimy Slytherin Montague will probably be in no condition to play Quidditch, which means we just might win!

Harry: That’s true! Yay for tormenting slimy Slytherins!

[The last Quidditch match of the season dawns…]

Hermione: Ron, do you think you’ll do better now that your older brothers aren’t around to show you up?

Ron: Well, seeing as I’m so awful now, I’d say the only place to go is up.

Hermione: By the way, Harry, isn’t Cho playing?

Harry: Speak not of that traitor at the breakfast table!

Hermione: Fine, fine.

[The match begins…]

Ravenclaw captain Roger Davies: Take this! First goal of the match! [Throws quaffle through ring]

Ron: Fuck! This doesn’t bode well!

Hagrid: By the way, Harry, Hermione, will you come with me on an illicit adventure while everyone’s distracted by the match?

Harry: Do we have a choice?

Hagrid: No, not really.

Harry: Fine….

[They follow Hagrid into the forest. Along the way, Hagrid grabs a crossbow]

Hermione: Hagrid, why are you taking a crossbow into the woods?

Hagrid: Oh, just in case I need to defend you youngsters from angry centaurs.

Hermione: Hagrid, why ever would the centaurs be angry at us?

Hagrid: Because Firenze betrayed them by coming to work for Dumbledore, that’s why. They would have executed him had I not intervened.

Hermione: So…why are you taking us to meet them, if they’re so angry?

Hagrid: Oh, I’m not taking you to meet them.

Harry: Then what do you want with us?

Hagrid: I’ll tell you at the most appropriately dramatic moment. Now follow me.

[He leads them a ways off the path…]

Hagrid: So, anyway, I was just thinking, that Umbridge woman could sack me at any time, and if that happened, well, I’d need someone who could take my place and do a very important thing for me.

Harry: Oh, no. Is this the thing Firenze warned me about?

Hagrid: It is exactly the thing Firenze warned you about.

Harry: Oh, no—this can’t be good….

[They wander deep into the forest until they come across a giant, who looks to be asleep]

Harry: Who the hell is this guy?!

Hagrid: Oh, he’s just my half-brother, Grawp.

Hermione: What?! Why in the hell did you bring him here?!

Hagrid: Because I wanted to show people that giants aren’t necessarily bad guys.

Hermione: Aren’t necessarily the bad guys?! Is this why you’ve been looking so beat-up?! Because you’re being abused by your half-brother?!

Hagrid: Abused? Don’t be silly—he doesn’t mean any harm!

Hermione: You realize that’s what all abusers say, right?

Hagrid: Well…ah…look, bear with me, alright? I had to bring my brother home because the other giants were bullying him for being smaller than they were. I know he’ll be much happier here once I’ve civilized him!

Hermione: And are you quite sure he was okay with this?

Hagrid: Of course, why wouldn’t he be?

Hermione: Well…regardless, the fact is he’s abusing you!

Hagrid: He’s not abusing me, alright! And he’s perfectly happy here, just you wait and see!

Harry: But you tied him up!

Hagrid: Did I? [Surveys ropes used to hold Grawp down] Oh, so I did.

Harry: This is a mutually-abusive relationship! Even worse!

Hermione: Hagrid, why? What on earth could we possibly do to help him?

Hagrid: Well, you could just spend time with him, and make him feel welcome and valued….

Harry: Alright, now I understand perfectly why Firenze wanted you to stop doing the thing. If this is the thing in question…!

Hagrid: You say that, but you don’t mean it. Come on, help an old friend out!

Harry: Well, I can try, but I can’t make any promises.

Hagrid: So you’ll do it! Excellent! I’ll wake him up to introduce you to him right away! [to Grawp] Graaaawp, I brought company!

Hermione: We’re dead meat.

Grawp: [Wakes up] Oh it’s you, Hagrid. What do you want?

Hagrid: I just thought you’d like to meet some of my friends.

Grawp: I hate your friends! Go away and leave me alone!

Hagrid: No! I will not go away! This is the part where you make a dramatic entrance!

Grawp: Well I suppose I can do a dramatic entrance. [Slowly rises to his feet] Helloooooo, puny humans!

Hagrid: Yes, that’s what I like to see! So, anyway, these are my two friends, Harry and Hermione. They’ll be keeping you company if I ever go away.

Grawp: Are they going to keep me tied up and talk to me in baby talk and visit me only when it’s convenient for them?

Hermione: [Meekly] No, not at all! Don’t be silly!

Grawp: Well I suppose they can only be an improvement then. [Scoops up Hermione]

Hermione: Aaaah! Put me down!

Hagrid: What are you doing?! That’s not what’s supposed to happen in this scene!

Grawp: I like the movie version of this scene better.

Hermione: Please don’t eat me! I taste terrible!

Grawp: That’s alright—if Hagrid is telling you about me you must be a main character. Therefore I will let you live.

Hermione: Wow, you’re the best!

Harry: [Facepalm]…I can’t believe this is happening.

Hagrid: Well, that’s enough fun for one day. Grawp, put Hermione down so we can get out of here.

Grawp: Fine. This pine tree’s more interesting anyway. [Sets Hermione down and starts bending and twisting a pine tree around]

Hagrid: …Let’s go before he starts throwing that thing.

[They leave Grawp to his own devices and wander through the forest, until they come upon some centaurs!]

Magorian: Hagrid! It’s you! You’re not supposed to be here! Get out of here, now!

Hagrid: I’m not supposed to be here?! Is that how you treat an old friend?!

Magorian: You expressly violated our way of life when you saved Firenze from being executed, therefore I am no longer your friend.

Hagrid: Why do you have to be so mean?!

Bane: Look, it’s not our fault Firenze agreed to become Dumbledore’s slave!

Hagrid: His slave?!

Bane: Yes, his slave!

Magorian: That’s enough of that. Hagrid, because you have children with you who are also main characters, I will let you pass this time. Do not show your face in our part of the woods again. And do something about your giant friend—he’s destroying the ecosystem.

Hagrid: I don’t understand big words like “ecosystem.”

Magorian: Whatever! Get out of the woods before my friends attack you!

Hagrid: Alright, alright! You assholes!

[Harry and Hermione lead Hagrid away]

Hermione: So, Hagrid, since the centaurs don’t like us in here this means we won’t be able to visit Grawp after all, right?

Hagrid: You’ll be fine—they said they wouldn’t hurt children. And you’re main characters.

Hermione: [Facepalm]

[They leave Hagrid and return to the quidditch pitch…]

Hermione: What on earth is Hagrid playing at?! Does he not realize that what he’s doing is dangerous and illegal? And abusive? And environmentally-destructive? There is no good that can come of this, I’m sure of it!

Harry: Well, look on the bright side—maybe Umbridge will get her just desserts in enough time for Hagrid to not be sacked?

Hermione: He’d deserve it if she did sack him, after all this!

Harry: [Shocked] Are you…are you siding with Umbridge?!

Hermione: Fair point.

Ron: Harry! Hermione! We won! I got my shit together and stopped the opposite team from scoring goals!

Harry: Hooray!

Hermione: Oh, that’s wonderful news! Now I can focus on something that will make me less angry at stupid Hagrid!

Ron: Why? What’s so stupid about Hagrid?

Hermione: …Oh, never mind. You’re best off not knowing.