Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 32

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[The examiner escorts Harry to the hospital wing]

Harry: I’m not in need of the hospital wing! I am doing important plot-related stuff!

Examiner: Won’t you prefer to do your oh-so-important plot-related stuff in the relative privacy of the hospital wing?

Harry: …Fair point.

[He goes to the hospital wing, where Madame Pomfrey is tending to Montague]

Harry: Madame Pomfrey, Madame Pomfrey! Get away from that slimy Slytherin and pay attention to me!

Madame Pomfrey: There’s no need to shout, dear—I can hear you quite clearly.

Harry: Yeah…well…I need to see Professor McGonagall right now!

Madame Pomfrey: Professor McGonagall’s gone. She was carted off to St. Mungo’s to recover from magical injuries.

Harry: Oh, right! She’s gone!—I mean, she’s gone?

Madame Pomfrey: Yes—she was attacked in the dark by stunners. I know this is so because Professor McGonagall is far too awesome and clever to allow anyone to stun her in a fair fight!

Harry: Oh, no! This is terrible! My life is slowly falling apart, and there’s no one in the world who can help me! …Oh, except my two best friends Ron and Hermione. Silly me!

[He runs off to find Ron and Hermione]

Hermione: Harry, what’s wrong? You look terrible!

Harry: Come to the common room so we can discuss urgent plot-related matters in peace!

[They return to the common room…]

Harry: So…I think Voldemort’s kidnapped Sirius.

Ron: …What?! What on earth gave you that idea?!

Harry: I just had a vision of him torturing Sirius in my last exam!

Hermione: But how could he have gotten to Sirius?

Harry: I don’t know that…but…I do recognize the room he’s in. It’s full of crystal balls! In the Ministry of Magic! We have to get there and rescue him right away!

Ron: What?! How on earth are we supposed to do that?!

Harry: I…I don’t know…but…we’re main characters—I’m sure a way will present itself before too long!

[They wait]

Harry: Any second now, I’ll find a way to get there!

[They wait]

Harry: Fuck! How are we going to get there?!

Hermione: Harry…consider the following. It’s the middle of the work week. People are at the Ministry of Magic, including aurors. How could Voldemort get there without anyone noticing?

Harry: Ah…through the sheer power of his evilness, probably. I don’t know—the things our magic can and can’t do is so inconsistent I couldn’t possibly hope to figure out how it all works!

Hermione: Harry, did you ever consider that maybe this was just a dream brought on by stress?

Harry: No, I’m convinced this is exactly like that time with the snake!

Ron: Well…it could be…I suppose.

Hermione: But Sirius is at Grimmauld Place, and Voldemort doesn’t know who the secret-keeper is!

Ron: Well…maybe he ventured outside for some fresh air…?

Hermione: Whatever the case, this is pure speculation! We’ve got no proof! We can’t act now, with the little information we’ve got!

Harry: But I’m the main character! I wouldn’t be having these visions if they weren’t useful!

Hermione: Main characters can have bad powers too! What do you think you are, some sort of Mary Sue?!

Ron: Well, frankly, he kind-of is.

Hermione: …Whatever, that’s beside the point! The point is, Harry, you’ve always been in the habit of charging into danger to save people, and while that has…admittedly…mostly led to you looking even more awesome than before…there’s always a chance that the next time you go to save someone it’ll be a trap!

Harry: You say that like there’s anything wrong with charging into danger to save people.

Hermione: Don’t you think Voldemort is aware of this by now? I mean, he did use Ginny to lure you to the Chamber of Secrets.

Harry: Actually, Ginny found that diary pretty much accidentally.

Hermione: Whatever—that’s beside the point! The point is, you have no proof this was anything but a dream!

Harry: If it were just a dream then why would Dumbledore ask me to take Occlumency to get rid of these visions?!

Hermione: So you admit they’re dangerous?

Harry: WHO CARES IF THEY’RE DANGEROUS?! WE HAVE TO SAVE SIRIUS OR HE’LL DIE!

Hermione: …Your capslock is scaring me! [Cries]

[Just then, Ginny and Luna arrive.]

Ginny: We heard the sound of capslock.

Harry: …Wasn’t me!

Ginny: Oh, really?

Ron: Yes it was!

Ginny: Well…is there anything we can do to help?

Harry: As if! I’m the main character! Only I am entitled to bear this sort of bone-searing pain!

Luna: You’re insane!

Harry: I don’t need a pathetic Ravenclaw like you to tell me I’m insane!

Ginny: You admit it?!

Luna: Ginny, are you really supposed to marry this guy?

Ginny: Well…maybe he’ll mellow out once this series is over and he doesn’t have to be hounded by Dark Lords anymore?

Hermione: Wait a moment—I had an idea!

Harry: Oh, yeah? What kind of idea?

Hermione: Well…why don’t you check on Sirius from Umbridge’s fireplace again?

Harry: Who has time for that?! We must go to the Ministry of Magic immediately to rescue Sirius!

Hermione: [Facepalm] At least check to make sure this isn’t a trick.

Harry: Alright, alright, I will. But…how are we going to get her out of the office on such short notice?

Luna: Now you decide to be cautious?!

Ron: I’ll just get Peeves to smash some stuff in one of the offices, that’ll get her attention.

Hermione: Good thinking.

Ginny: And Luna and I will figure out some story to keep people away from the corridor that leads to her office!

Hermione: Good thinking! Harry, the three of us will go up to her office so we can talk to him!

Harry: Shouldn’t I just go by myself?

Hermione: I’ll keep watch.

Harry: It’s so nice to have such good servants—I mean friends!

Hermione: Don’t mention it….

Harry: Alright, I’ll go fetch the invisibility cloak straight away!

Hermione: Fine, fine. Do what you want. I’ll meet you in the corridor by Umbridge’s office.

[He grabs his invisibility cloak, and then he and Hermione head to Umbridge’s office]

Harry: I still think our first recourse should have been to find a way to the Ministry of Magic to rescue Sirius.

[They go into Umbridge’s office…]

Hermione: Wow, it doesn’t look like she’s added any extra security. I see no reason to be suspicious of this.

[Harry Floos his head into Number 12 Grimmauld Place]

Kreacher: Oh, it’s you again. What do you want?

Harry: Yes, hello. Is Sirius around?

Kreacher: Oh, no. He’s out.

Harry: Out? Out where?!

Kreacher: How should I know? He won’t tell me anything!

Harry: You bastard! You’re hiding something from me, aren’t you?!

Kreacher: And so what if I am? What can you do about it? I’m so much more powerful than you.

Harry: Why you little--!

[But just then, he’s pulled out of the fireplace by Umbridge!]

Harry: Umbridge?! How on earth did you know I was in here?!

Umbridge: My kitties are very good lookouts.

Harry: Aaaargh! Why didn’t I think of that?!

Umbridge: Well, it matters little now. You and your friends have all been apprehended for staging a break-in in my office to conduct illicit communications with someone! Now, who was it?!

Harry: I don’t want to tell you because you are evil and unworthy.

Umbridge: Sass will get you nowhere! Tell me, who did you contact?!

Harry: Fuck you! Go campaign to save the miners in Wales!

Umbridge: Well if you won’t talk to me I see I’ll have to make you talk! Draco, be a good boy and get Snape for me!

Draco: Anything for you, Madame! [He leaves to get Snape]

Harry: Oh—I could have asked Snape! Don’t I feel stupid!

Umbridge: Ha ha ha! This is the part where you pay for disrespecting your elders!

[Snape arrives with Draco…]

Umbridge: There you are! Be a dear and go fetch me some Veritaserum!

Snape: What? But I already gave you some! Don’t tell me you used it all up!

Umbridge: Eh...if I did…?

Snape: Well you’re out of luck, because that potion takes me a month to prepare! It’s impossible to give you any more!

Harry: Snape, Snape! Someone very important to me has been kidnapped by Voldemort!

Snape: Someone…very…important to you, you say?

Harry: Yes, yes!

Snape: I may have to think that one over. [Leaves]

Umbridge: And just who was this important person?

Harry: I’m not telling you anything, you evil bitch from hell!

Umbridge: Just for that, I think I’ll show you just how evil and bitchy I can be! Prepare to have the Cruciatus used on you!

Hermione: You can’t do that! It’s illegal! Unforgivable, actually!

Umbridge: Sometimes the ends justify the means! Like that time I sent Dementors after Harry! …Oops, did I say that out loud?

Harry: You sent the Dementors after me?! Aha! I knew you were behind all my misfortune for this book!

Umbridge: All in a day’s work for the evilest and most memorable villain in this series!

Hermione: Wait, wait, wait!

Umbridge: What is it now, you sniveling brat?!

Hermione: Alright, I’ve decided we’ll tell you everything!

Umbridge: Everything, you say?

Hermione: Yes. Eeeeeverything!

Umbridge: Well, then—start talking!

Hermione: You see…we were trying to contact Dumbledore.

Umbridge: Oh, so you know where it is?

Hermione: Well…no, we don’t really. But we do know something very, very important.

Umbridge: What would this be, then?

Hermione: He’s got a weapon. A really, really nasty one. One with enough power to challenge the Ministry.

Umbridge: And where is this weapon now?

Hermione: Oh…it’s out in the Forbidden Forest.

Umbridge: The Forbidden Forest, is it?

Hermione: Yes, yes. That’s where it is.

Umbridge: Oh, I see. You will lead me to it right now, won’t you?

Hermione: Of course. I am utterly helpless to resist you.

Draco: Umbridge, do you want me to come along as your bodyguard?

Umbridge: Certainly not. I’m older, stronger, and smarter than you. I have no need for bodyguards.

Draco: Fine. Be that way.

Umbridge: What was that?!

Draco: …Nothing….