Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 9

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[The next morning at breakfast, Harry tells Hermione about what Draco said on the train]

Ron: But I just don’t see how this could be anything but showing off.

Hermione: Well, even if Draco was just showing off for his friends…that’s still a very serious thing to brag about. Maybe he really did mean it?

Harry: Yes! Exactly! So in conclusion, Draco is a Death Eater who has it in for me!

Hermione: [to random fourth-year] Hey! You there! You’re not allowed to have a fanged Frisbee in here!

Random fourth-year: Fine, fine. [Hands over Frisbee and leaves]

Ron: Wow, that’s so cool! Can I keep it?! [Takes it from Hermione]

[After breakfast, they go to get their NEWT classes]

McGonagall: I’m sorry, Neville, but you’re just not good enough for my NEWT Transfiguration class.

Neville: Oh, no! Now my grandmother will be furious!

McGonagall: But you have plenty of other good classes you could take. Why don’t you get an NEWT in Charms?

Neville: My grandmother doesn’t want that!

McGonagall: Don’t let your grandmother rule you, Neville! Be a strong, independent man!

Neville: I can try….

McGonagall: By the way, Harry, I know that Snape said he would only take Potions students who got Outstanding, but Slughorn accepts those who got Exceeds Expectations too, so you’re in Potions again!

Harry: Hooray! Now I can take this super-important class without having to worry about Snape!

[Their first class of Defense against the Dark Arts arrives…]

Snape: So, it looks like I finally have the pleasure of teaching all of you my favorite subject. By the way, what do you think of the decoration? Observe, on the walls I have hung gory pictures of what will happen to you if you take the Dark Arts lightly!

Harry: Eew…I didn’t need to see those things….

Snape: But never mind that now. First thing’s first: who here knows about nonverbal spells?

Hermione: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick meeeeeeeee!

Snape: Yes?

Hermione: Nonverbal spells give you a fleeting advantage because your opponent doesn’t know what type of magic you’ll be using!

Snape: True, true. However, not just anyone can use a nonverbal spell. It requires patience, willpower, and concentration. So, why don’t we all just split up into groups and try to nonverbally jinx each other? I see no problems with this plan!

[They split up into groups, but most people try to verbally jinx their opponents and just keep their voices low]

Harry: Snape, Snape! Hermione’s using nonverbal spells!

Snape: She doesn’t count because she’s a Mary Sue.

Harry: You’re no fair!

Snape: Well, since you and your little friend seem to be struggling so much, why don’t you allow me to demonstrate? [Grabs Ron’s wand and fires a nonverbal spell at Harry]

Harry: Protego!

[His shield charm is so powerful Snape is knocked backwards]

Snape: Alright, you cast the spell—but you’re supposed to do it nonverbally!

Harry: It’s not my fault you’re an asshole who can’t teach properly!

Snape: Just for that, I’m placing you in detention. I’ll see you this Saturday.

[After lessons…]

Harry: That meanie Snape! It’s not my fault he keeps trying to use me as a guinea pig rather than picking on someone else!

Hermione: You didn’t have to insult him, you know.

Harry: Snape loves the Dark Arts too! Why else would he put those torture-porn pictures on the wall?! He must get off to them!

Hermione: Well…is what he’s doing really any different from what you did just last year?

Harry: Nonsense! He’s an asshole and a slimy Slytherin so there’s no way the two of us have anything in common whatsoever!

[Just then, one of the Gryffindor beaters approaches]

Harry: Hello, random quidditch player I don’t care about! What can I do for you?

Beater: When are you holding tryouts?

Harry: Oh, eventually…once I’ve gotten my act together….

Beater: By the way, was told to deliver a message to you from Dumbledore.

Harry: Why thank you. [Takes message] It says here that I’m supposed to meet Dumbledore in his office on Saturday evening. Ooh! Does this mean I’ll get out of detention with Snape?!

[Later they go to Potions…]

Slughorn: So, from now on I’ll be your instructor. For the record, my name is Slughorn, not Slutborn, and I’d kindly urge you not to make fun of my name.

Harry: Sir?

Slughorn: Yes, Harry?

Harry: My friend Ron and I don’t have textbooks or supplies!

Slughorn: That’s alright—you can borrow some! [He hands Harry and Ron used books and scales] Now, anyway, I have some potions here, and I thought you should all be able to identify them. So, what is this one? [Indicates a potion that looks like plain water]

Hermione: Ooh! Ooh! It’s Veritaserum, the truth potion!

Slughorn: Alright, very nice—and what about this one? [Indicates a thick, murky-looking potion]

Hermione: Pick me! Pick me! It’s Polyjuice potion, Professor!

Slughorn: Good, good—how about this one? [Indicates a pearly-white potion]

Hermione: Ooh! I know! It’s Amortentia, the love potion!

Slughorn: Yes, quite. By the way, who are you?

Hermione: I’m Hermione Sue—I mean, Granger!

Slughorn: I don’t know that name. Is it famous?

Hermione: No, I’m just a lowly muggleborn.

Slughorn: That sounds familiar. Are you, by any chance, a friend of Harry Potter’s?

Hermione: Yes I am!

Slughorn: Wonderful! Just for that I think I’ll award Gryffindor twenty points!

Draco: Oh, fuck me—even the new Slytherin teacher is giving Gryffindors extra points!

Slughorn: On the subject of Amortentia, though, I’d just like to point out that it doesn’t actually create “love,” as in good and true and pure love; it only creates obsession. Nobody who’s been drugged with this ever truly loves the person who bestowed it upon them. Please do not take this to mean it isn’t dangerous.

Ernie Macmillan: And the fourth one, Professor?

Slughorn: Oh, yes, that one. It’s called Felix Felicis. Does anyone know what it does?

Hermione: Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know!

Slughorn: Does anyone else know what it is?

Hermione: FUCK ALL THOSE REJECTS! I KNOW! CALL ON MEEEEEEE!

Slughorn: Very well. Miss Hermione Granger?

Hermione: That’s a luck potion!

Slughorn: So it is.

Draco: Did someone say luck!?

Slughorn: Yes, the luck potion. Although last I heard there was a movement to have it reclassified as a plot potion, and change its name to Deus Ex Machina…fascinating topic, that. Anyway, if you take it at breakfast you’ll have a perfect day—but woe betide those who take it too often. However, because I’m such a nice teacher, I’m giving away a small bottle of it—to anyone who can brew Draught of Living Death! Well, get to work!

[They begin making their potions...]

Harry: That’s odd—there’s all these little annotations scrawled all over the book. [Whispers quietly to self] I think I’ll do what they say and see what happens!

Draco: Professor, Professor! Did you know Abraxas Malfoy, my grandfather?

Slughorn: Oh, yeah, I’ve heard of him. He died recently, didn’t he?

Draco: You’re no fun….

Harry: Wow, by following these instructions my potion is starting to look better than Hermione’s is!

Hermione: What the hell?! Harry, how are you progressing in your potion faster than me?!

Slughorn: Alright, I think that’s about time. Now, whose potion is closest…? [He approaches Harry’s] Oh, wow! You’ve made an almost perfect potion, just like your mother used to! This potion rightfully belongs to you! [Hands over the bottle to Harry]

Harry: Hooray!

Hermione: Oh, you…!

[Back in Gryffindor tower…]

Hermione: I still think you cheated.

Harry: Yeah, well if cheating gets me the best grade, I can’t complain!

Ginny: Harry, Harry! Did I hear you correctly? Did you say you followed handwriting in a book?

Harry: Well, yes….

Ginny: You remember the time I tried that? I nearly got killed!

Harry: Well, yes, but…this is different….

Hermione: Actually, Ginny, you’re quite right. Let’s check this book for jinxes.

[Hermione checks the book and comes up with nothing]

Harry: See? It’s fine!

Hermione: Well…at least we know it probably doesn’t have any dangerous jinxes.

[Harry retrieves the book, and finds on the back that its previous owner was the Half-Blood Prince]

Harry: Ooh! I wonder who this guy is!