Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 15
Jun. 5th, 2015 09:58 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[Christmas approaches fast. Girls take to bunching around the mistletoes when Harry walks by]
Harry: Now I have to take secret passages by necessity rather than by choice.
Ron: Ha ha ha! Look at you, having to scramble around the school’s secret passages because girls won’t leave you alone! That is so funny! I feel so sorry for your constant popularity…and greatness….
[Ron and Hermione aren’t on speaking terms, either]
Ron: She seems to think it’s okay for her to kiss Krum, but it’s not okay for me to kiss Lavender!
Harry: Well in fairness, it’s not like those two were ever shown kissing.
Ron: You do have a point there. For all we know they were beating each other to bloody pulps every second they were offscreen together. But chances are…!
[Harry is only free to spend evenings with Hermione]
Hermione: It’s not like I’m jealous or anything! Oh, no! Not in the least! I’m far too superior to get jealous of anyone for any reason! In fact, I’m so superior that I just know Ron will come crawling back to me by the time this book’s over! Ahahahaha!
Harry: You don’t sound very convincing.
Hermione: But seriously, be careful. There are girls who’d slip you a love potion if given half a chance.
Harry: Do you actually know who has the potions?
Hermione: I don’t, unfortunately.
Harry: Ha! If those girls can smuggle love potions into the school that proves Draco has been smuggling Dark objects into the school undetected!
Hermione: Not this shit again! Listen, you, love potions aren’t Dark so they don’t arouse suspicion.
Harry: Not Dark? Even though they can bewitch someone into being your love slave?!
Hermione: Apparently that’s not considered Dark or dangerous in a place like this.
Madame Pince: Alright, you two. The library’s closed. Now begone. [Looks at the Prince’s book] Aagh! What have you done to that poor, innocent book?!
Harry: It’s my book, I do what I want with it!
Madame Pince: Honestly, the way you children are brought up these days….
Hermione: Incidentally, I heard she’s in love with Mr. Norris! Did you know?
Madame Pince: His name is Filch, you whippersnapper!
Harry: Madame Pince, I just realized—you have a hooked nose!
Madame Pince: It took you six whole books to realize that?!
[Harry and Hermione return to the Gryffindor common room…]
Romilda Vane: Hi Harry! I’m back! Did you miss me?!
Harry: Eew! Get away from me, you disgusting harlot!
Romilda Vane: That’s not very nice! All I wanted to do was give you these! [Hands Harry a box of chocolate cauldrons and runs away]
Hermione: Harry, isn’t it time you stopped this madness? Just ask someone to the party so they’ll leave you alone!
Harry: Why should I? They’re evil! Evil I say!
[Ron and Lavender are kissing in the common room]
Hermione: Eew! Get me out of here! [Retires to her bedroom]
[Tomorrow in Transfiguration…]
McGonagall: Today we shall be changing the color of our eyebrows!
[Ron gives himself a handlebar moustache]
Ron: Aagh! This is a disaster!
Hermione: Ahaha! Ron you look so stupid!
Ron: Well you look stupid when you beg your instructors to call on you!
Hermione: You’re mean! [Bursts into tears]
[After class, they run into Luna]
Luna: Hello, all of you! …Hermione, why are you crying?
Hermione: Ron is a big meaniehead who made fun of me! What have I done to deserve this?! [Sobs]
Luna: Well, he does do that sometimes. Although I must say, you do give as good as you get.
Harry: Luna, Luna! I just thought of something—would you like to come with me to Slutborn’s party?
Luna: You mean Slughorn’s?
Harry: Yeah, whatever.
Luna: Oh, yes! I’ve never been invited to a party before!
Harry: Damn, shouldn’t have asked. Now I’ll have to go through with it.
Peeves: That is hilarious! The Chosen One, going to the party with a nobody like Luna over there?!
Harry: Dammit. Now everyone will know I asked a loser like you.
Luna: I’m not a loser!
[At dinner, Ron and Hermione are still not speaking to one another]
Harry: You could apologize to Hermione for making fun of her.
Ron: No way. If I try speaking to her that’s just going to make things worse, I can tell.
[Just then, Lavender and Parvati appear]
Lavender: Poor Ron, so sad and lonely. Would it make you feel better to talk to me?
Ron: Yes, dearie.
Hermione: So, Parvati, are you going to Slughorn’s party?
Parvati: Unfortunately no.
Hermione: Oh, that’s too bad. Did you try asking Cormac McLaggen? Oh, wait—he’s already going with me! Sorry! I’m so glad I’m not you!
Ron: Wait a moment—did you just say you were going with Cormac McLaggen?!
Hermione: Yes I did! Did I mention he’s a much better quidditch player than Ron could ever hope to be, and that it was sheer luck Ron was made keeper and not him?! [Gets up to leave] So long, losers!
Ron: I hate you so much right now.
Parvati: Oh, you…!
Lavender: I don’t understand, Ron—why would you get upset over Hermione when you have me?
Ron: Because you’re not my destined wife. And you don’t have an invite to the party. [Sulks]
[At the appointed time, Harry meets Luna to go to the party]
Harry: Wow, Luna—you’re actually quite pretty.
Luna: Why, thank you.
Harry: I heard a rumor that there would be a vampire at this party.
Luna: A vampire? This wouldn’t be the kind that sparkles, would it?
Harry: I hope not….
[They go to the party…]
Slughorn: Hello, Harry! So glad you could come! Here, let me introduce you to our resident vampire!
[He drags Harry to a bored-looking man who is being fawned over by girls]
Slughorn: This is Mr. Sanguini!
Harry: Oh, I see you don’t sparkle. Thank goodness for that.
Mr. Sanguini: [Facepalm] Would everyone just stop saying that?! Of course I don’t sparkle! Why on earth anyone would think I sparkle I have no idea!
Slughorn: Oh, yeah, and this is his friend Mr. Worple.
Mr. Worple: Delighted. Have you thought of writing a book about your experiences as the Chosen One? It could make you fabulously wealthy and provide you with a ready supply of fans to kiss your ass.
Harry: Well, we’re kind of in one, don’t you know?
Mr. Worple: We are? I never noticed a thing!
[Harry slips away from the grown-ups to chase after Hermione]
Harry: Hermione! How are you?
Hermione: I’m great, now that I’ve finally gotten away from that horrible boor that is Cormac McLaggen! I asked him to go with me just to annoy Ron, but I should have known that obviously nobody who said anything bad about you could ever be any good!
Harry: Well, look on the bright side—at least he’s not Zacharias Smith!
Hermione: Well…about that…I did consider asking him. I decided against it because not only was he not nice to you or Ron, but he’s a lowly Hufflepuff! At least Cormac had the decency to be a Gryffindor!
Luna: Look, everyone! Professor Trelawney’s here!
Harry: Bwuh?!
Trelawney: Oh, hello there.
Luna: So, how are you holding up now that you have to co-teach with a centaur?
Trelawney: Not so well. Did I mention I’m racist against centaurs?
Harry: Aha! I always knew you were a bad’un! [to Hermione] But never mind that. Hermione, Cormac McLaggen is coming!
Hermione: Oh, no! [Slips away]
McLaggen: Hello, Harry! Have you seen Hermione anywhere?
Harry: No, not at all!
McLaggen: No? Oh, well. [Leaves]
Trelawney: Oh, Harry! It’s you! Listen, I haven’t seen you in my class this year! Why might that be?
Harry: Because Divination is phony and you’re a dirty fraud!
[But just then, Slughorn appears]
Slughorn: Oh, there you are Harry! I was wondering where you’d gotten to! [to Trelawney] How are you doing? Did Harry not live up to your expectations? I can’t imagine why, considering he’s a natural at Potions—just like his mother was! Right, Harry?
Harry: Yeah, absolutely!
Slughorn: Oh, that reminds me—Severus!
Harry: Oh, no….
[Snape appears]
Snape: Yes, what is it?
Slughorn: This student here, Harry, really is quite remarkable at Potions! I can only imagine you must have had a hand in that, having been his instructor for a number of years!
Snape: I…I really don’t think I was able to reach him as a teacher at all, in fact….
Slughorn: Oh, well. Maybe he was just naturally gifted. You should have seen the potion he made in our first class! I’d be prepared to say he might even be more skilled than you were, and you were one of my most skilled students!
Snape: Is that so? That sounds just a little too good to be true.
Slughorn: So, what other classes are you taking, Harry?
Harry: Oh, just all the coursework I need to be an auror one day!
Snape: You?! An auror?! Don’t make me laugh!
Slughorn: That’s not very nice, Severus. I think he’d be a fine auror, if his performance in his other classes is anything like what he can do in mine.
Luna: Harry, you shouldn’t be an auror! They’re part of a thing called the Rotfang Conspiracy! They’re plotting to destroy our entire society using nothing but sweets!
Harry: Stupid Ravenclaw hipsters should be seen and not heard.
[The next thing Harry knows, Draco is being dragged through the party by Filch!]
Filch: Slughorn, Slughorn! I caught this boy trying to crash your party! What should I do with him?!
Slughorn: Oh, don’t worry about it. In the name of holiday cheer and good will toward men, I permit Draco to stay and enjoy the party, invitation or no!
Draco: Wow, Slughorn’s my new hero!
Filch: Well, if you say so…. But I won’t forget this! [Leaves]
Snape: Not so fast, Draco. We need to talk.
Draco: Awwww….
[Snape escorts Draco away]
Harry: Draco is acting suspicious again! I must investigate!
[Harry leaves Luna to tail Draco. He eventually finds them talking in a deserted classroom]
Snape: Listen to me! I’m just trying to help you!
Draco: But I don’t want your help! I’m a big boy!
Snape: Did you do it?
Draco: I’m innocent! I didn’t do it!
Snape: You’re hiding something from me!
Draco: What if I am? I don’t want your help!
Snape: Just tell me what’s going on!
Draco: I don’t wanna tell you anything! I don’t wanna I don’t wanna I don’t wanna!
Snape: Really now--
Draco: You’re so mean! Always butting in! Leave me alone, I know what I’m doing!
Snape: I can’t do that! I made an Unbreakable Vow where I swore to protect you! Stop acting like a spoiled infant!
Draco: WAAAAAAAAAH! YOU’RE MEEEEEEEEEEEEAN! [Storms out of the room]
Snape: Oh, honestly! [Leaves to return to party]
Harry: Aha! I knew all along—Draco is a Death Eater and he’s plotting something sinister with Snape! Once I tell this to my friends they’ll have to see that I was right all along!
Harry: Now I have to take secret passages by necessity rather than by choice.
Ron: Ha ha ha! Look at you, having to scramble around the school’s secret passages because girls won’t leave you alone! That is so funny! I feel so sorry for your constant popularity…and greatness….
[Ron and Hermione aren’t on speaking terms, either]
Ron: She seems to think it’s okay for her to kiss Krum, but it’s not okay for me to kiss Lavender!
Harry: Well in fairness, it’s not like those two were ever shown kissing.
Ron: You do have a point there. For all we know they were beating each other to bloody pulps every second they were offscreen together. But chances are…!
[Harry is only free to spend evenings with Hermione]
Hermione: It’s not like I’m jealous or anything! Oh, no! Not in the least! I’m far too superior to get jealous of anyone for any reason! In fact, I’m so superior that I just know Ron will come crawling back to me by the time this book’s over! Ahahahaha!
Harry: You don’t sound very convincing.
Hermione: But seriously, be careful. There are girls who’d slip you a love potion if given half a chance.
Harry: Do you actually know who has the potions?
Hermione: I don’t, unfortunately.
Harry: Ha! If those girls can smuggle love potions into the school that proves Draco has been smuggling Dark objects into the school undetected!
Hermione: Not this shit again! Listen, you, love potions aren’t Dark so they don’t arouse suspicion.
Harry: Not Dark? Even though they can bewitch someone into being your love slave?!
Hermione: Apparently that’s not considered Dark or dangerous in a place like this.
Madame Pince: Alright, you two. The library’s closed. Now begone. [Looks at the Prince’s book] Aagh! What have you done to that poor, innocent book?!
Harry: It’s my book, I do what I want with it!
Madame Pince: Honestly, the way you children are brought up these days….
Hermione: Incidentally, I heard she’s in love with Mr. Norris! Did you know?
Madame Pince: His name is Filch, you whippersnapper!
Harry: Madame Pince, I just realized—you have a hooked nose!
Madame Pince: It took you six whole books to realize that?!
[Harry and Hermione return to the Gryffindor common room…]
Romilda Vane: Hi Harry! I’m back! Did you miss me?!
Harry: Eew! Get away from me, you disgusting harlot!
Romilda Vane: That’s not very nice! All I wanted to do was give you these! [Hands Harry a box of chocolate cauldrons and runs away]
Hermione: Harry, isn’t it time you stopped this madness? Just ask someone to the party so they’ll leave you alone!
Harry: Why should I? They’re evil! Evil I say!
[Ron and Lavender are kissing in the common room]
Hermione: Eew! Get me out of here! [Retires to her bedroom]
[Tomorrow in Transfiguration…]
McGonagall: Today we shall be changing the color of our eyebrows!
[Ron gives himself a handlebar moustache]
Ron: Aagh! This is a disaster!
Hermione: Ahaha! Ron you look so stupid!
Ron: Well you look stupid when you beg your instructors to call on you!
Hermione: You’re mean! [Bursts into tears]
[After class, they run into Luna]
Luna: Hello, all of you! …Hermione, why are you crying?
Hermione: Ron is a big meaniehead who made fun of me! What have I done to deserve this?! [Sobs]
Luna: Well, he does do that sometimes. Although I must say, you do give as good as you get.
Harry: Luna, Luna! I just thought of something—would you like to come with me to Slutborn’s party?
Luna: You mean Slughorn’s?
Harry: Yeah, whatever.
Luna: Oh, yes! I’ve never been invited to a party before!
Harry: Damn, shouldn’t have asked. Now I’ll have to go through with it.
Peeves: That is hilarious! The Chosen One, going to the party with a nobody like Luna over there?!
Harry: Dammit. Now everyone will know I asked a loser like you.
Luna: I’m not a loser!
[At dinner, Ron and Hermione are still not speaking to one another]
Harry: You could apologize to Hermione for making fun of her.
Ron: No way. If I try speaking to her that’s just going to make things worse, I can tell.
[Just then, Lavender and Parvati appear]
Lavender: Poor Ron, so sad and lonely. Would it make you feel better to talk to me?
Ron: Yes, dearie.
Hermione: So, Parvati, are you going to Slughorn’s party?
Parvati: Unfortunately no.
Hermione: Oh, that’s too bad. Did you try asking Cormac McLaggen? Oh, wait—he’s already going with me! Sorry! I’m so glad I’m not you!
Ron: Wait a moment—did you just say you were going with Cormac McLaggen?!
Hermione: Yes I did! Did I mention he’s a much better quidditch player than Ron could ever hope to be, and that it was sheer luck Ron was made keeper and not him?! [Gets up to leave] So long, losers!
Ron: I hate you so much right now.
Parvati: Oh, you…!
Lavender: I don’t understand, Ron—why would you get upset over Hermione when you have me?
Ron: Because you’re not my destined wife. And you don’t have an invite to the party. [Sulks]
[At the appointed time, Harry meets Luna to go to the party]
Harry: Wow, Luna—you’re actually quite pretty.
Luna: Why, thank you.
Harry: I heard a rumor that there would be a vampire at this party.
Luna: A vampire? This wouldn’t be the kind that sparkles, would it?
Harry: I hope not….
[They go to the party…]
Slughorn: Hello, Harry! So glad you could come! Here, let me introduce you to our resident vampire!
[He drags Harry to a bored-looking man who is being fawned over by girls]
Slughorn: This is Mr. Sanguini!
Harry: Oh, I see you don’t sparkle. Thank goodness for that.
Mr. Sanguini: [Facepalm] Would everyone just stop saying that?! Of course I don’t sparkle! Why on earth anyone would think I sparkle I have no idea!
Slughorn: Oh, yeah, and this is his friend Mr. Worple.
Mr. Worple: Delighted. Have you thought of writing a book about your experiences as the Chosen One? It could make you fabulously wealthy and provide you with a ready supply of fans to kiss your ass.
Harry: Well, we’re kind of in one, don’t you know?
Mr. Worple: We are? I never noticed a thing!
[Harry slips away from the grown-ups to chase after Hermione]
Harry: Hermione! How are you?
Hermione: I’m great, now that I’ve finally gotten away from that horrible boor that is Cormac McLaggen! I asked him to go with me just to annoy Ron, but I should have known that obviously nobody who said anything bad about you could ever be any good!
Harry: Well, look on the bright side—at least he’s not Zacharias Smith!
Hermione: Well…about that…I did consider asking him. I decided against it because not only was he not nice to you or Ron, but he’s a lowly Hufflepuff! At least Cormac had the decency to be a Gryffindor!
Luna: Look, everyone! Professor Trelawney’s here!
Harry: Bwuh?!
Trelawney: Oh, hello there.
Luna: So, how are you holding up now that you have to co-teach with a centaur?
Trelawney: Not so well. Did I mention I’m racist against centaurs?
Harry: Aha! I always knew you were a bad’un! [to Hermione] But never mind that. Hermione, Cormac McLaggen is coming!
Hermione: Oh, no! [Slips away]
McLaggen: Hello, Harry! Have you seen Hermione anywhere?
Harry: No, not at all!
McLaggen: No? Oh, well. [Leaves]
Trelawney: Oh, Harry! It’s you! Listen, I haven’t seen you in my class this year! Why might that be?
Harry: Because Divination is phony and you’re a dirty fraud!
[But just then, Slughorn appears]
Slughorn: Oh, there you are Harry! I was wondering where you’d gotten to! [to Trelawney] How are you doing? Did Harry not live up to your expectations? I can’t imagine why, considering he’s a natural at Potions—just like his mother was! Right, Harry?
Harry: Yeah, absolutely!
Slughorn: Oh, that reminds me—Severus!
Harry: Oh, no….
[Snape appears]
Snape: Yes, what is it?
Slughorn: This student here, Harry, really is quite remarkable at Potions! I can only imagine you must have had a hand in that, having been his instructor for a number of years!
Snape: I…I really don’t think I was able to reach him as a teacher at all, in fact….
Slughorn: Oh, well. Maybe he was just naturally gifted. You should have seen the potion he made in our first class! I’d be prepared to say he might even be more skilled than you were, and you were one of my most skilled students!
Snape: Is that so? That sounds just a little too good to be true.
Slughorn: So, what other classes are you taking, Harry?
Harry: Oh, just all the coursework I need to be an auror one day!
Snape: You?! An auror?! Don’t make me laugh!
Slughorn: That’s not very nice, Severus. I think he’d be a fine auror, if his performance in his other classes is anything like what he can do in mine.
Luna: Harry, you shouldn’t be an auror! They’re part of a thing called the Rotfang Conspiracy! They’re plotting to destroy our entire society using nothing but sweets!
Harry: Stupid Ravenclaw hipsters should be seen and not heard.
[The next thing Harry knows, Draco is being dragged through the party by Filch!]
Filch: Slughorn, Slughorn! I caught this boy trying to crash your party! What should I do with him?!
Slughorn: Oh, don’t worry about it. In the name of holiday cheer and good will toward men, I permit Draco to stay and enjoy the party, invitation or no!
Draco: Wow, Slughorn’s my new hero!
Filch: Well, if you say so…. But I won’t forget this! [Leaves]
Snape: Not so fast, Draco. We need to talk.
Draco: Awwww….
[Snape escorts Draco away]
Harry: Draco is acting suspicious again! I must investigate!
[Harry leaves Luna to tail Draco. He eventually finds them talking in a deserted classroom]
Snape: Listen to me! I’m just trying to help you!
Draco: But I don’t want your help! I’m a big boy!
Snape: Did you do it?
Draco: I’m innocent! I didn’t do it!
Snape: You’re hiding something from me!
Draco: What if I am? I don’t want your help!
Snape: Just tell me what’s going on!
Draco: I don’t wanna tell you anything! I don’t wanna I don’t wanna I don’t wanna!
Snape: Really now--
Draco: You’re so mean! Always butting in! Leave me alone, I know what I’m doing!
Snape: I can’t do that! I made an Unbreakable Vow where I swore to protect you! Stop acting like a spoiled infant!
Draco: WAAAAAAAAAH! YOU’RE MEEEEEEEEEEEEAN! [Storms out of the room]
Snape: Oh, honestly! [Leaves to return to party]
Harry: Aha! I knew all along—Draco is a Death Eater and he’s plotting something sinister with Snape! Once I tell this to my friends they’ll have to see that I was right all along!
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