Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 1
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deathtocapslockOMG, I’ve reached the final book!
It’s been more than four years since I started this series, but finally I see the end!!
Anyway, let’s get it on!
[We open with a bunch of Death Eaters all meeting up at Malfoy Manor]
Yaxley: Look! Peacocks!
[Sure enough, a few white peacocks strut around the yard]
Snape: You must have mistaken me for someone who cares.
[Inside, Voldemort is waiting for them]
Voldemort: Oh, hello, you! Please, find a seat, and then we can begin. Snape, you sit beside me.
Snape: Do I have to?
Voldemort: That’s an order!
Snape: Fine, fine.
[Everyone takes their seats]
Voldemort: So, anyway, I’ve been doing a bit of research into a muggle dictator named Adolf Hitler, and I decided that he sounded way cool, so I thought we might emulate him for a bit! Who’s with me?
Death Eaters: Do we have a choice?
Voldemort: No! Not at all!
Dolohov: I hope this doesn’t end like the time he tried to emulate that other muggle ruler. Genghis Khan, was he?
Voldemort: Silence, you!
Dolohov: Sorry….
Yaxley: But Master, what exactly did this Adolf Hitler person do?
Voldemort: Well…he…ah…he shipped a bunch of Jews off to concentration camps in cattle cars, where he proceeded to exterminate them like vermin.
Yaxley: Er…what’s a cattle car?
Dolohov: What’s a concentration camp?
Wormtail: What’s a Jew?!
Voldemort: Er…Bellatrix, care to fill us in on what a Jew is?
Bellatrix: You must have mistaken me for someone who knows.
Voldemort: [Buries face in hands] This is going to be harder than I thought it would be. Ahem, anyway, let’s move on to other matters and we’ll get back to the Hitler situation later. Yaxley, how is my hostile takeover of the Ministry coming along?
Yaxley: I have successfully placed an Imperius curse on a generic background character named Pius Thicknesse!
Voldemort: Good, good! Now I have someone to run my country for me while I sit on my ass drinking and fondling my pet snake all day! Er…I mean, while I chase after Harry Potter, the Chosen One. Speaking of which, does anyone have any updates on his whereabouts?
Snape: Well, I heard that the Order were planning to transport Harry from his home to a safe house the night before he turns seventeen. Naturally I can’t give the name of the safe house, but if you wanted to go after him in midair….
Voldemort: Is he using official Ministry channels?
Snape: Goodness no. The Order mistrust the Ministry in every possible way.
Voldemort: Oh, good. That means all we have to do is sneak up on him in midair and grab him! And then he shall be mine to rape and torture and kill at my convenience for my own amusement! Bwahahahaha!
Snape: [under his breath] It’s too bad you’re only slightly smarter than he is.
Voldemort: Alright, now that that’s settled, let’s talk about Lucius Malfoy!
Lucius: Please don’t.
Voldemort: Now then, Lucius, you’ve been a bad boy, you know that.
Lucius: Can’t you just forgive and forget?
Voldemort: Me, forgive and forget?! Me, the villain of this entire series?! Oh, no—punishment must be meted out to you for making me feel sad! From this chapter onward, you are banned from participation in Harry Potter Abridged!
Lucius: I’m going to be written out of the story?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Voldemort: That’s alright—I think they still have some openings in MHT3K!
Lucius: But…but…!
Voldemort: I know, I know. It’s just not as good. Now then, give me your wand.
Lucius: You don’t mean--!
Voldemort: Your wand!
[Lucius reluctantly hands over his wand]
Voldemort: Oh, Lucius—your wand is so big and manly!
Lucius: [Moan]
Voldemort: Well, this is good-bye, Lucius. Go be a doctor to Nazis somewhere. [to Bellatrix] Bellatrix?
Bellatrix: Daddy!
[Bellatrix reaches out to glomp Voldemort, but is halted by his hand]
Voldemort: How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not your daddy?! Anyway, did you hear that your niece is getting married to a werewolf?
Bellatrix: My niece? Who is this niece you speak of? You’re the only family I need, Daddy Dark Lord!
[Bellatrix tries to glomp Voldemort again, and he holds her at arm’s length]
Voldemort: So, anyway, just kill those two blood traitors when you get a chance, alright?
Bellatrix: Anything for you, my dear old Daddy!
Voldemort: [Facepalm] I’ve created a monster. Well, this is boring. Let’s torture this witch I found!
[He gestures toward a witch, who is being suspended upside-down in the air]
Snape: Do you have to? What did this witch ever do to you?
Voldemort: It’s not about what she did, it’s what she is. This witch is a bystander who’s never appeared in-story and contributed nothing to the plot; therefore I can kill her without mercy and nothing of value will be lost!
Snape: That’s not true! I know this witch! Her name is Charity Burbage and she’s a Hogwarts teacher!
Voldemort: She has a name? You learn something new every day. Oh, well!
Charity Burbage: Snape, save me!
Snape: Sorry, I can’t. If I step in I might get killed and I need to stay alive for the rest of the book.
Voldemort: Avada kedavra!
Charity Burbage: AAAAAH! [Falls down dead]
Voldemort: Ahahahaha! Killing people is awesome!
Death Eaters: Hahahahahahahaha!
Snape: Kill me. Just kill me right now.
It’s been more than four years since I started this series, but finally I see the end!!
Anyway, let’s get it on!
[We open with a bunch of Death Eaters all meeting up at Malfoy Manor]
Yaxley: Look! Peacocks!
[Sure enough, a few white peacocks strut around the yard]
Snape: You must have mistaken me for someone who cares.
[Inside, Voldemort is waiting for them]
Voldemort: Oh, hello, you! Please, find a seat, and then we can begin. Snape, you sit beside me.
Snape: Do I have to?
Voldemort: That’s an order!
Snape: Fine, fine.
[Everyone takes their seats]
Voldemort: So, anyway, I’ve been doing a bit of research into a muggle dictator named Adolf Hitler, and I decided that he sounded way cool, so I thought we might emulate him for a bit! Who’s with me?
Death Eaters: Do we have a choice?
Voldemort: No! Not at all!
Dolohov: I hope this doesn’t end like the time he tried to emulate that other muggle ruler. Genghis Khan, was he?
Voldemort: Silence, you!
Dolohov: Sorry….
Yaxley: But Master, what exactly did this Adolf Hitler person do?
Voldemort: Well…he…ah…he shipped a bunch of Jews off to concentration camps in cattle cars, where he proceeded to exterminate them like vermin.
Yaxley: Er…what’s a cattle car?
Dolohov: What’s a concentration camp?
Wormtail: What’s a Jew?!
Voldemort: Er…Bellatrix, care to fill us in on what a Jew is?
Bellatrix: You must have mistaken me for someone who knows.
Voldemort: [Buries face in hands] This is going to be harder than I thought it would be. Ahem, anyway, let’s move on to other matters and we’ll get back to the Hitler situation later. Yaxley, how is my hostile takeover of the Ministry coming along?
Yaxley: I have successfully placed an Imperius curse on a generic background character named Pius Thicknesse!
Voldemort: Good, good! Now I have someone to run my country for me while I sit on my ass drinking and fondling my pet snake all day! Er…I mean, while I chase after Harry Potter, the Chosen One. Speaking of which, does anyone have any updates on his whereabouts?
Snape: Well, I heard that the Order were planning to transport Harry from his home to a safe house the night before he turns seventeen. Naturally I can’t give the name of the safe house, but if you wanted to go after him in midair….
Voldemort: Is he using official Ministry channels?
Snape: Goodness no. The Order mistrust the Ministry in every possible way.
Voldemort: Oh, good. That means all we have to do is sneak up on him in midair and grab him! And then he shall be mine to rape and torture and kill at my convenience for my own amusement! Bwahahahaha!
Snape: [under his breath] It’s too bad you’re only slightly smarter than he is.
Voldemort: Alright, now that that’s settled, let’s talk about Lucius Malfoy!
Lucius: Please don’t.
Voldemort: Now then, Lucius, you’ve been a bad boy, you know that.
Lucius: Can’t you just forgive and forget?
Voldemort: Me, forgive and forget?! Me, the villain of this entire series?! Oh, no—punishment must be meted out to you for making me feel sad! From this chapter onward, you are banned from participation in Harry Potter Abridged!
Lucius: I’m going to be written out of the story?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Voldemort: That’s alright—I think they still have some openings in MHT3K!
Lucius: But…but…!
Voldemort: I know, I know. It’s just not as good. Now then, give me your wand.
Lucius: You don’t mean--!
Voldemort: Your wand!
[Lucius reluctantly hands over his wand]
Voldemort: Oh, Lucius—your wand is so big and manly!
Lucius: [Moan]
Voldemort: Well, this is good-bye, Lucius. Go be a doctor to Nazis somewhere. [to Bellatrix] Bellatrix?
Bellatrix: Daddy!
[Bellatrix reaches out to glomp Voldemort, but is halted by his hand]
Voldemort: How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not your daddy?! Anyway, did you hear that your niece is getting married to a werewolf?
Bellatrix: My niece? Who is this niece you speak of? You’re the only family I need, Daddy Dark Lord!
[Bellatrix tries to glomp Voldemort again, and he holds her at arm’s length]
Voldemort: So, anyway, just kill those two blood traitors when you get a chance, alright?
Bellatrix: Anything for you, my dear old Daddy!
Voldemort: [Facepalm] I’ve created a monster. Well, this is boring. Let’s torture this witch I found!
[He gestures toward a witch, who is being suspended upside-down in the air]
Snape: Do you have to? What did this witch ever do to you?
Voldemort: It’s not about what she did, it’s what she is. This witch is a bystander who’s never appeared in-story and contributed nothing to the plot; therefore I can kill her without mercy and nothing of value will be lost!
Snape: That’s not true! I know this witch! Her name is Charity Burbage and she’s a Hogwarts teacher!
Voldemort: She has a name? You learn something new every day. Oh, well!
Charity Burbage: Snape, save me!
Snape: Sorry, I can’t. If I step in I might get killed and I need to stay alive for the rest of the book.
Voldemort: Avada kedavra!
Charity Burbage: AAAAAH! [Falls down dead]
Voldemort: Ahahahaha! Killing people is awesome!
Death Eaters: Hahahahahahahaha!
Snape: Kill me. Just kill me right now.
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no subject
Date: 2015-06-22 11:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-06-23 02:00 am (UTC)One of these days we might have to draw up a chart about who did recaps on which books, for reference sake.
no subject
Date: 2015-06-25 01:47 am (UTC)Voldemort: Also, he was responsible for bombing the orphanage where I lived. But, hey, I never liked that place anyway.
/Wormtail: What’s a Jew?!/
Actually, since Anthony Goldstein is a student at Hogwarts, would wizards be aware of Judaism?
/Now I have someone to run my country for me while I sit on my ass drinking and fondling my pet snake all day!/
*snorts in laughter*
Yeah, aside from exterminating Muggle-borns and making Slytherin the only House, what else does Voldemort plan to do as Evil Overlord?
/This witch is a bystander who’s never appeared in-story/
Which is why when Voldemort first said her name, I thought, “Charity who?” She was created just to be killed, I guess.
/If I step in I might get killed and I need to stay alive for the rest of the book./
Snape: Until the moment where I get killed while the Trio are just standing there and watching me die. So…karma?
no subject
Date: 2015-06-25 04:00 am (UTC)(2) Yes, Anthony Goldstein is Jewish, well at least his surname is a Jewish one. I believe DTCL had a recent article on that.
(3) Killing off a female character is a literature sin, according to tumblr at least, and introducing a female character only to kill her off, doubly so. But you won't see popular "nerd culture" blogs like TMS condemn JKR for doing that. Meanwhile folks like them are condemning Marvel comics editors for requesting a black character's skin color to be lighter (cuz that's super racist, even though no one will say Michael Jordan's not black because his skin is so much lighter than, say, Idris Elba's), and condemning Bryan Fuller for killing Beverly Katz in "Hannibal" (she's a Korean-Jewish forensics scientist, and a very 3-dimensional person considering the screentime she gets, and was killed by Hannibal Lecter because she traced back to his Secret Lair of Evilness). Sites like that (and the people who agree with everything as seen from the comments section) is my own brand of "Why I'm losing faith in Humanity".
no subject
Date: 2015-06-26 06:09 am (UTC)Thirteen-year-old Tommy has no home, no ration books, no one to look out for him, and he has to live rough all summer while bombers are still coming over every once in a while. Perhaps his first killing is not literal parricide but self-defense against some chap who offers to be his “Daddy.” All that would be plenty to confirm Tom in hated of muggles for being murderous barbarians and wizards for being oblivious fools.
I’ve just been reading some books about Britain in 1940, and it’s absolutely fascinating. How JKR can imagine that history is a cure for insomnia I’ll never know. It’s so much more interesting and exciting than anything anyone could make up.
In case anyone’s interested, the books are:
The Battle of Britain, by James Holland
Invasion 1940, by Peter Fleming
Citizens of London, by Lynne Olson
The last is particularly interesting for Americans.
no subject
Date: 2015-06-27 12:46 am (UTC)You know my To Be Read pile is to big and now you've made it bigger.
One of my favorite teachers was a history teacher. A very old teacher (I went to the same school as my mother, and Mom remembered the teacher as being old when mom had her) I remember her stories of her brother as correspondent in Nazi German and Russian translator at the U.N.