Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 11

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[Kreacher isn’t back for days. In the meantime, Lupin arrives!]

Harry: Oh, Lupin! It’s you! What’s going on?

Lupin: Well…apparently the Death Eaters have begun staking out places you’ve been known to frequent. Including this one.

Harry: So that’s why we’ve been seeing them outside these past few days!

Lupin: So, what has happened since we separated last?

Harry: Well, we got ambushed by Death Eaters in Tottenham Court Road, of all places, but other than that, everything’s been fine!

Lupin: The Death Eaters found you on Tottenham Court Road? But how on earth could they track you there?!

Hermione: We don’t know. Do you think the Trace could still be on Harry?

Lupin: That’s impossible—he’d be easier to track if that were true.

Hermione: Well, never mind all that. What happened to you?

Lupin: Well, thanks to Kingsley’s timely warning we were ready when the Death Eaters descended upon us. Apparently Scrimgeour had tried valiantly to fight them off at the Ministry…but unfortunately the only brand of magic he’s good at ended up destroying everything around him but people, including the Death Eaters.

Harry: Color me shocked that he turned out to be brave after all!

Lupin: Yes, well, anyway, the Death Eaters interrogated some of us and tortured others of us to try to determine where you were, but we made it out alive and none of us gave you away. But, now that the Death Eaters have control of the Ministry, they’re using it to legitimize their reign of terror and make you, Harry, look like the bad guy.

Harry: I should be used to that by now!

Lupin: Anyway, reports on Voldemort have not been forthcoming, but, and this is just a rumor, the prevailing story is that he’s been sitting on his ass doing nothing this entire time.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: What?!

Lupin: Oh, yeah. He’s not even Minister of Magic. Instead, he’s put a man named Pius Thicknesse under the Imperius Curse and is having him lead instead.

Harry: So, what has this meant for the Wizarding World at large?

Lupin: Well, muggle-borns are required to register now. The rumor is that they’re being shipped off in cattle cars to a place where they’ll be exterminated like vermin!

Hermione: That sounds strangely like something that happened in the muggle world many years ago now.

Lupin: Oh, really? What sort of thing?

Hermione: You know what, never mind.

Lupin: Also, Voldemort is forcing everyone to go to Hogwarts whether they like it or not, so he has the maximum amount of control over their minds.

Harry: Oh, no! This is terrible! Now they’ll be influenced by an evil man and not a good one like my angel Dumbledore!

Lupin: Well, you’ll just have to defeat him, won’t you? Which reminds me, will you let me join your little quest?

Harry: Why do you ask?

Lupin: Well…I’ve been having some trouble with Tonks, see….

Hermione: What kind of trouble?

Lupin: Well, see, it’s come to my attention that Tonks is now pregnant, and, suddenly I’ve developed the idea that as a werewolf I might not be safe around small children. So I think it’s best if I just go off and leave her to her own devices.

Harry: What? That’s a terrible thing to even suggest! My father would not approve!

Lupin: Never mind your father. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this child will either be a werewolf just like me, or else will be ashamed of me for being a werewolf for his entire life. Besides, Tonks is going to die horrifically in the end anyway, so I might as well get used to the idea of being apart from her.

Harry: Well you and she could always die together.

Lupin: You’re not helping!

Harry: You’re probably just hiding from her so you can relive your glory days with your best friend’s son!

Lupin: That’s not how I’d put it--

Harry: In fact, the way you’re acting right now…well, you’re nothing but a dirty coward!

[The entire room goes silent for a moment]

Lupin: What…did you call me?

Harry: A coward! That’s what you are! A coward!

Hermione: Harry, both of you are acting like infants!

Lupin: I’m a coward, am I? Take that! [Blasts Harry with his wand before storming out]

Hermione: This is all your fault, Harry.

Harry: My fault?! My parents are deeeeeeead and now Lupin wants to abandon his child!

Hermione: But to call someone a coward.

Ron: That’s about the worst insult in the world.

Harry: Yeah, yeah. I know….

[Later, Harry comes across a page in the newspaper that contains a Dumbledore family photo and an extract of Rita Skeeter’s new biography]

Harry: According to Bathilda Bagshot, Albus Dumbledore’s mother was a creep, and he did have a sister, whom almost nobody knew about. Oh, what could this possibly mean?!

[But just then, Kreacher returns with Mundungus!]

Harry: Aha! We’ve got you now! [Brandishes a wand at Mundungus]

Mundungus: What is the meaning of all this?!

Harry: You took something we want.

Mundungus: Is this because I ran out on Mad-Eye Moody?

Harry: Oh, that. You know, every day I ask myself why the hell we even had you in the Order.

Mundungus: Something tells me there’s more to all this than that, though.

Harry: As a matter of fact, there is. You took something that we want.

Mundungus: Took something? What kind of something?

Harry: Well, I could tell you, but it’s more fun to watch your pained confusion.

Mundungus: [Thinks for a moment] Is it the goblets?

Harry: No. Alright, this is getting boring. It’s a locket I’m after. A shiny gold locket with an “S” on it.

Mundungus: Oh, that locket! Yeah, I sold it.

Harry: You sold it?! To whom?!

Mundungus: Oh, some old lady dressed in all pink. She looked like the nurse from Shakespeare in Love.

Harry: Oh, no!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Umbridge!

Kreacher: …Did I miss something?