Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 14

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[They crash-land in the middle of a forest]

Ron: AAAAAGH! HELP ME! I’M DYING!

Harry: You’re dying?! Oh, no! Whatever happened?!

Ron: I splinched.

[Sure enough, a chunk has been taken out of Ron’s arm]

Harry: Splinched?! But last book the instructor made it seem like splinching was no big deal!

Hermione: I know, it’s very strange. Oh, well. Harry, get me some dittany!

[Harry does thus]

[Hermione patches up Ron using dittany]

Harry: But…where are we, Hermione? Why aren’t we at Gimmauld Place?

Hermione: Well, Yaxley was pursuing us, see, and I couldn’t throw him off until he was most of the way there. I had to go somewhere else.

Harry: Oh, woe is us! Now we can’t have Kreacher’s cooking!

Hermione: Since when did you care so much about Kreacher’s cooking?

Harry: Since he started actually being good at it, obviously. It meant one less thing I needed to worry about!

Hermione: Did you ever worry about that to begin with?

Harry: Well…never mind that. Wanna see something I found? [Pulls out Moody’s eye]

Hermione: Harry! Where on earth did you get that?!

Harry: The evil monster Umbridge had it fixed to her door! Can you believe her?!

Hermione: Unfortunately yes.

Ron: So…how long are we planning to stay here, exactly?

Harry: I don’t know. But we can’t very well move in this state.

Hermione: I think I’ll put some protective charms around us, just to be sure. [Does thus] Harry, be a dear and get our tent.

Harry: Will do! [Summons tent] Wait…didn’t this tent belong to one of Mr. Weasley’s friends?

Hermione: Oh, yeah. That. He’d leant it to Mr. Weasley since he didn’t need it any more.

Harry: And he was okay with you using it?

Hermione: I didn’t tell him I was borrowing it.

[Hermione magically sets up the tent.]

Ron: Oh, by the way, it’s come to by attention that You-Know-Who’s name is cursed. So don’t say it anymore, alright?

Harry: Cursed? Are you sure about this?

Ron: Well…not sure. But I have a really, really strong feeling, alright.

Hermione: So the entire lesson about how fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself?

Harry: Gone.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: [Exasperated sigh]

[Harry and Hermione take Ron into the tent and set him up in a bed]

Harry: So, Hermione, did you get the locket?

Hermione: Yes I did! [Pulls out locket] It’s right here!

Harry: Great, great! But…how do we open it?

Hermione: Don’t know.

[They pass the locket around]

Ron: It feels like it’s got a heartbeat!

Harry: It does!

Hermione: Well, what should we do with it now?

Harry: Well, we have to keep it safe. I know! I’ll place it around my neck! [Puts on the locket]

Hermione: Do you really think that’s such a good idea?

Harry: What, is it unmanly for me to wear jewelry?

Hermione: No, that’s not it! But…Harry, don’t you have a bag made of Moke skin? Wouldn’t it be just as safe in that bag as around your neck, if not moreso?!

Harry: What bag?

Hermione: [Facepalm] Never mind. Let’s just keep watch outside the tent. And maybe see about finding some food as well.

[Unfortunately, they can find nothing to eat except wild mushrooms, which taste disgusting.]

[Later that night, Harry sits watch in the dark]

Harry: Oh, this is horrible! There’s so much I don’t understand! Why was I born to die? Why did the Death Eaters have to follow us to Grimmauld Place? What have they done to Kreacher by now? Why is my angel Dumbledore dead when I need him more than ever before?! …Then again, I’m beginning to like feeling this locket on my chest. I can imagine doing it with young, sexy Tom Riddle, at least.

[When Harry falls asleep, he’s transported to Voldemort’s mind again]

Voldemort: I have you now, my pretty Gregorovitch! Now, tell me where I can find the special wand!

Gregorovitch: Which special wand are we talking about?

Voldemort: I don’t know! The specialest, manliest wand that there ever was!

Gregorovitch: Could you be more specific?

Voldemort: More specific?!

Gregorovitch: Aha! You don’t know what wand you’re after, do you?

Voldemort: I do too know!

Gregorovitch: Yet you can’t even ask for it by name?

Voldemort: Well…I…ah…. Let me see your memories!

[Inside Gregorovitch’s memories, Harry sees a man with wild blond hair disappear out Gregorovitch’s window]

Voldemort: Ah! So it was stolen from you!

Gregorovitch: Yes, whatever you say.

Voldemort: By whom?

Gregorovitch: Well…

[But just then, Harry wakes up]

Hermione: Harry, were you looking into You-Know-Who’s mind again?

Harry: Well yes.

Hermione: Harry, this is why you should have learned Occlumency!

Harry: Are you going to be this way every time I have another dream like this?

Hermione: Yes!

Harry: Well, never mind that now. He’s caught up with Gregorovitch, looking for something.

Hermione: That’s nice. I’ve decided to relieve you of your watch now, if you don’t mind terribly.

Harry: Fine, fine. [Disappears into the tent] It’s very strange. I could have sworn I saw the blond thief from Gregorovitch’s memories somewhere before, but I can’t imagine where. Oh, well—a task for later in the story!