Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 32
Aug. 25th, 2015 10:57 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockHarry: OH, NO! THEY KILLED FRED! WHAT A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY, TO KILL SOMEONE SO INNOCENT AND FUN-LOVING!
[They’re forced to duck a barrage of curses]
Harry: Oh, well—we’d better get out of here.
Percy: But…but…I don’t want to leave my brother’s body alone. Yes, I know he bullied me mercilessly for years, but still, I don’t want to leave my brother’s dead body, dammit!
[Just then, a giant spider enters the fray]
Harry: Even the spiders are fighting?!
Spider: Well, it’s a ready supply of fresh meat. And anyway, Hagrid promised I’d get the pet Unicorn I wanted.
Harry: Oh Hagrid….
[They have to move, and Harry helps Percy move Fred’s body out of the way of the action and the spiders]
Percy: Didn’t you just say that we couldn’t do anything more for him?
Harry: Yes but what the hell?
[They hide the body, and then find themselves a place away from it all]
Ron: Now I’ve decided I must go kill Death Eaters to avenge my brother!
Hermione: Yes, good, but first we have to find the snake. If we don’t defeat Voldemort nothing else will matter.
Ron: But my brother’s just been killed.
Harry: Don’t worry—I know exactly how you feel!
Ron: No you fucking don’t!
Harry: Yes I do. I was practically family to all of you.
Ron: Fuck all that!
Hermione: Let’s just stay focused. We need to get to the snake.
Harry: Yes, right. Now on earth do we do that?
Hermione: Harry, use your Voldie-vision to find out where he is!
Harry: See? I told you my power would work out for the best!
Hermione: Just do it!
[Harry disappears into Voldemort’s mind again]
Voldemort: Where is Snape? I want Snape now!
Death Eater: Snape? Why Snape?
Voldemort: Don’t ask—just bring him to me!
Harry: I’ve got it! Voldemort’s in the Shrieking Shack!
Hermione: What’s he doing?
Harry: Sitting on his ass, yelling for Snape.
Hermione: Wow, all those rumors about him sitting on his ass doing nothing were true.
Harry: So it would appear.
[They run out to the Whomping Willow, dodging spells and important characters all the while. Harry is the first down the passageway, followed by Ron and Hermione]
[Inside the Shrieking Shack, they see Voldemort and Snape talking]
Voldemort: Aha! Snape, you traitor! You betrayed me to Dumbledore! You shared my secrets with him, you undermined my authority, you aided the Boy who Lived against me, you compared my precious Motörhead unfavorably to Iron Maiden….
Snape: But…but…how long have you known I was a double agent?!
Voldemort: I’ve suspected you for a long time.
Snape: Then why are you only just confronting me about it now?!
Voldemort: Because if I took action against you I’d have to do your work myself or find someone to replace you, and that would require effort.
Snape: Are you admitting you need my help?
Voldemort: Stupid, I don’t need your help! This super special awesome wand I picked up from Dumbledore’s tomb isn’t performing at the level I require it to!
Snape: What do I have to do with that?!
Voldemort: Just that I think you’re keeping me from mastering the wand! To control it I have to become its True Master, but since you killed Dumbledore, that would make you the True Master, and therefore for me to possess this wand fully you must die!
Snape: No!
Voldemort: Prepare yourself for a slow, agonizing death! Bwahahahahaha!
Snape: You are seriously the worst Dark Lord in the history of Dark Lords.
Voldemort: That’s not very nice! But, it matters little now. [turns to Nagini] Eat his throat for me, will you?
[Nagini attacks Snape’s throat, mortally wounding him]
Voldemort: That was fun. Let’s go, Nagini—I’ve got business to attend to.
Harry: Snape, Snape! What happened?!
Snape: This is the end! It is now time for me to face Death, our lord and master, and leave this world that has gone so wrong for me!
Harry: Yeah, about that, I’m sorry I couldn’t save you—
Snape: Sorry? I’m not sorry. I’m not afraid of dying—I believe there’s never an end!
Harry: That’s nice, but what does all this have to do with me?
Snape: Take this. [Holds up a bottle full of silvery memories]
Harry: Your memories?
Snape: Yes, nitwit, my memories. Take them.
Harry: W-what should I do with these?
Snape: What do you think?
Harry: Oh, right. [Takes memories]
Snape: And now my soul is ready to fly away, and friend and foe shall meet again soooooooon…. [Dies]
Harry: What on earth did any of that mean?
[They’re forced to duck a barrage of curses]
Harry: Oh, well—we’d better get out of here.
Percy: But…but…I don’t want to leave my brother’s body alone. Yes, I know he bullied me mercilessly for years, but still, I don’t want to leave my brother’s dead body, dammit!
[Just then, a giant spider enters the fray]
Harry: Even the spiders are fighting?!
Spider: Well, it’s a ready supply of fresh meat. And anyway, Hagrid promised I’d get the pet Unicorn I wanted.
Harry: Oh Hagrid….
[They have to move, and Harry helps Percy move Fred’s body out of the way of the action and the spiders]
Percy: Didn’t you just say that we couldn’t do anything more for him?
Harry: Yes but what the hell?
[They hide the body, and then find themselves a place away from it all]
Ron: Now I’ve decided I must go kill Death Eaters to avenge my brother!
Hermione: Yes, good, but first we have to find the snake. If we don’t defeat Voldemort nothing else will matter.
Ron: But my brother’s just been killed.
Harry: Don’t worry—I know exactly how you feel!
Ron: No you fucking don’t!
Harry: Yes I do. I was practically family to all of you.
Ron: Fuck all that!
Hermione: Let’s just stay focused. We need to get to the snake.
Harry: Yes, right. Now on earth do we do that?
Hermione: Harry, use your Voldie-vision to find out where he is!
Harry: See? I told you my power would work out for the best!
Hermione: Just do it!
[Harry disappears into Voldemort’s mind again]
Voldemort: Where is Snape? I want Snape now!
Death Eater: Snape? Why Snape?
Voldemort: Don’t ask—just bring him to me!
Harry: I’ve got it! Voldemort’s in the Shrieking Shack!
Hermione: What’s he doing?
Harry: Sitting on his ass, yelling for Snape.
Hermione: Wow, all those rumors about him sitting on his ass doing nothing were true.
Harry: So it would appear.
[They run out to the Whomping Willow, dodging spells and important characters all the while. Harry is the first down the passageway, followed by Ron and Hermione]
[Inside the Shrieking Shack, they see Voldemort and Snape talking]
Voldemort: Aha! Snape, you traitor! You betrayed me to Dumbledore! You shared my secrets with him, you undermined my authority, you aided the Boy who Lived against me, you compared my precious Motörhead unfavorably to Iron Maiden….
Snape: But…but…how long have you known I was a double agent?!
Voldemort: I’ve suspected you for a long time.
Snape: Then why are you only just confronting me about it now?!
Voldemort: Because if I took action against you I’d have to do your work myself or find someone to replace you, and that would require effort.
Snape: Are you admitting you need my help?
Voldemort: Stupid, I don’t need your help! This super special awesome wand I picked up from Dumbledore’s tomb isn’t performing at the level I require it to!
Snape: What do I have to do with that?!
Voldemort: Just that I think you’re keeping me from mastering the wand! To control it I have to become its True Master, but since you killed Dumbledore, that would make you the True Master, and therefore for me to possess this wand fully you must die!
Snape: No!
Voldemort: Prepare yourself for a slow, agonizing death! Bwahahahahaha!
Snape: You are seriously the worst Dark Lord in the history of Dark Lords.
Voldemort: That’s not very nice! But, it matters little now. [turns to Nagini] Eat his throat for me, will you?
[Nagini attacks Snape’s throat, mortally wounding him]
Voldemort: That was fun. Let’s go, Nagini—I’ve got business to attend to.
Harry: Snape, Snape! What happened?!
Snape: This is the end! It is now time for me to face Death, our lord and master, and leave this world that has gone so wrong for me!
Harry: Yeah, about that, I’m sorry I couldn’t save you—
Snape: Sorry? I’m not sorry. I’m not afraid of dying—I believe there’s never an end!
Harry: That’s nice, but what does all this have to do with me?
Snape: Take this. [Holds up a bottle full of silvery memories]
Harry: Your memories?
Snape: Yes, nitwit, my memories. Take them.
Harry: W-what should I do with these?
Snape: What do you think?
Harry: Oh, right. [Takes memories]
Snape: And now my soul is ready to fly away, and friend and foe shall meet again soooooooon…. [Dies]
Harry: What on earth did any of that mean?
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no subject
Date: 2015-08-27 03:19 am (UTC)Innocent? Fred? The more aggressive to the two ruthless bullying twins? Of course he didn’t bully Harry, so that officially makes him innocent and fun-loving according to the Harry-filter. And for Percy his innocence or lack of same didn’t matter because he was Percy’s brother, and losing your brother is a tragedy no matter how badly he treats you.
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Date: 2015-08-27 09:25 am (UTC)