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deathtocapslockIt is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that JK's been tweeting politics again. This time its about Jeremy Corbyn. As @Chemzes tweets,
Act Two Scene 6
(Edge of the forbidden forest)
Albus and Scorpius take a moment to stand on the edge of the forest and admire the scenery.
Scorpius: Still get a tingle, don’t you? When you see it?
And revealed through the trees is HOGWARTS — a splendid mass of bulbous buildings and towers.
Albus: From the moment I first heard of it, I was desperate to go. I mean, Dad didn’t much like it there but even the way he described it . . . From the age of ten I’d check the Daily Prophet first thing every morning — certain some sort of tragedy would have befallen it — certain I wouldn’t get to go.
Ah yes, Hogwarts. Think of it. The rotting tapestries. The dust. The mould. The lacquer cracking oil paintings. The rusting suits of armour. The slaves house elves still merrily toiling away in the basement. Frankly some sort of tragedy (or a bit of dynamite) might be an improvement. Lets have an interlude
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rphZxoe4n_0
Lovely.
Anyway then Albus and Scorpius have a conversation in which they compare themselves to Harry Potter (Albus' dad) instead of attempting the process of individuation critical to maturation. Too hard.
Scorpius: All I ever wanted to do was go to Hogwarts and have a mate to get up to mayhem with. Just like Harry Potter. And I got his son. How crazily fortunate is that.
Well actually, Harry had two besties, but one of them was a girl so for present purposes she doesn't exist, and it will be preferable for the rest of the play if she never existed to begin with.
(they hear Ron's voice in the distance) Albus gets scared and tells Scorpius to get on with it. I'm not really sure why he's scared of the ineffectual comic relief Ron has been distilled to, or why he's scared at all considering there's no tension at all in this scene because the problem is mostly that Albus had a tantrum and ran away from school (must be difficult trying to make some on the stage).
Anyway then they activate the time turner to go back to the triwizard tournament, proving that just like how Albus and Scorpius can't have individual identities that don't relate to their parents, this play can't have an individual plot that isn't a literal rehash of things we've already seen, except less interesting because they just go on in the background while this two morons pretend like they're doing something.
Act Two Scene 7
(Triwzard Tournament, edge of the forbidden forest 1994)
More bizarre stage directions: Ludo is now the "“greatest showman on earth” (his words, not ours) , using Sonorus to amplify his voice, and having a ball."
I don't remember Ludo doing the commentary for the first task, might be movie contamination, but anyway, he asks the three schools to give cheers and Beaubaxtons' is "slightly limp" and its funny because they're french and effeminate (lol).
Ludo introduces Victor as "Victor Krazy Krum" making him sound like a wrestler (sorry Victor) (Albus and Scorpius approve of this moniker which makes me push them slightly more up the idiot scale). Ludo introduces Fleur as "zut alors, it’s Fleur Delacour" and its funny because she's french and Cedric gets "he makes us all go weaky at the kneesy, he’s Cedric Delicious Diggory" (whats with the cutesy language its gross please stop whoever is writing this dialogue) and also "Harry Plucky Potter" is here too.
Also Young Hermione is here, played by the same actor who plays Rose (this is specified in the script for reasons beyond my comprehension) so we can get this gross exchange:
YOUNG HERMIONE: If you’re going to stand so close I’d rather you didn’t breathe on me quite so much.
SCORPIUS: Rose? What are you doing here?
YOUNG HERMIONE: Who’s Rose? And what’s happened to your accent?
ALBUS (with a bad accent): Sorry. Hermione. He’s got you mixed up with someone else.
YOUNG HERMIONE: How do you know my name?
(Its funny because women are interchangeable so there's no difference between having a crush on the mother as there is on the daughter)
Anyway, the time turner starts combusting, Albus disarms Cedric (how is that not obvious this plan is so bad) they get yanked forwards in time and found by Harry, Ron, Ginny and Draco and then Albus faints.
Act Two Scene 8
Albus is asleep in the hospital wing, with Harry watching over him while he sleeps. Watching over him however is the 2D representation of Albus Dumbledore, who is dead, who is in this play so we can be reminded about how much we love him and all the good stuff he did when he was alive and how he's the purest saint, JK's finest creation who embodied the power of ~love and if I keep writing any more of this I'm honestly going to be sick.
Anyway, painting Dumbledore and Harry commiserate over Albus.
DUMBLEDORE: A difficult thing, I imagine, to watch your child in pain.
Well, difficult for Harry maybe. I got the impression that Dumbledore enjoyed perving on kids in pain. Pain that he orchestrated himself, mind.
Harry asked a 2D picture of a dead guy who did nothing but fuck up how to protect his kid, and the entire rest of the conversation is just an excuse to whitewash him.
DUMBLEDORE: You ask me, of all people, how to protect a boy in terrible danger? We cannot protect the young from harm. Pain must and will come.
yeah yeah we get it Dumbledore did nothing wrong etc.
Anyway then 2D Dumbledore says that Harry's "blinded by his love" for his kid, which is odd because a) Harry's done nothing but be a self-absorbed prick vis-a-vis his kid and b) Dumbledore wouldn't know what being blinded by love felt like considering that he did nothing but use or discard people who actually did feel love his entire life. Also it makes me laugh that this is the play's version of a character flaw for Harry; Harry did you know you love too much you just have a heart thats too big so when you are a prick its just your excessive nondirectional affection showing through. Anyway the rest of the conversation is Dumbledore telling Harry to embrace his son as he is and more of the ominous foreshadowing about the ~black cloud (spoilers its Delphi and she's a girl and she's evil mystery solved). Its kind of sad that Harry is asking for advice from a 2D painting of a guy who did nothing but use him, but this conversation is basically in lieu of us enduring more tweets from JK talking about how no one in heaven or on this earth measures up to Dumbledore etc Dumbledore did nothing wrong etc Harry is so loving and special and misunderstood not even his own son gives him the deference he deserves etc and honestly the whole play could have just been replaced by a series of tweets telling us how to interpret all the characters and it wouldn't be any less infuriating but it would be more efficient.
Anyway then Albus wakes up and he and Harry share some chocolate together because the matron told them to (????) and it would be a father-son moment except I'm not sure that anyone involved in this production has any idea of what healthy family relationships look like.
Then Albus lies to Harry and says he wanted to run off to the muggle world (or out of this play that would have been so good for him) and then Harry tells him to stay away from Scorpius (I think he thinks that Scorpius is the ~dark cloud but then Harry would be one of the credulous sheeple drinking up the Scorpius son of Voldemort rumour so it isn't that okay).
Harry says he saw Bane "a centaur with profound divination skills" and that's where he got the inside scoop to make Albus stay away from his only friend which amuses me because if I were Bane I'd just get a kick out of telling credulous dolts that the stars have predicted that they need to divorce their husband and have sex with the amazon delivery guy just to see whether they'd do it because a furry told them to.
Harry says he'll make Albus stay away from Scorpius using the marauders map. James and Sirius, who made the map to avoid authority, make mischief & have fun, would be spinning in their graves to hear that Harry is using the map to be petty and dictatorial, but hopefully they've disowned him in the afterlife so maybe its nbd.
Anyway the scene ends on the ~shocking note that Albus in this timeline is in Gryffindor not Slytherin, which would be a ~huge twist if Slytherin and Gryffindor had been established as having any actual significance in this play beyond the fact that a girl (Rose) who has three lines is in one of them and then the ~huge twist of Harry turning into a prick whose going to control his son's every movement while he investigates Scorpius' parentage which would be shocking, I guess, if he hadn't spent the play being a huge prick already. Anyway here's good parenting moment #2 courtesy of Alt!Timeline Harry, who is different from original Harry in some way that's too boring to explain.
HARRY: I thought for a long time I wasn’t a good enough dad for you because you didn’t like me. It’s only now I realize that I don’t need you to like me, I need you to obey me because I’m your dad and I do know better. I’m sorry, Albus. It has to be this way.
Ok so the confected drama of the father son relationship continues. I'm on the edge of my seat.
Act Two Scene 9
(Hogwarts Staircase)
Not sure why this is a separate scene as the conversation continues from the previous scene with no gap. Albus is running after Harry asking him to re-consider whether he wants the central drama of this play to be his shitty relationship with his son, and couldn't they do something else instead of watching badly characterised morons have unfulfilling family relationships for no reason -
when Ron appears. Except its not Ron, its Alt!Timeline Ron, even more badly characterised that original Ron. Except he's still got this author's chauvinism towards women so that's one thing. Also he doesn't run a joke shop anymore and because I always thought that was stupid my estimation of Ron #2 rises a little.
Ron: (now supremely confused): A joke shop? Well now. Anyway I’m pleased I caught you. I was going to bring some sweets — for a, uh, sort of, a, get well soon, but, uh . . . Actually Padma — she thinks about things a lot more — deeply — than I do — and she thought it’d be nicer for you to get something useful for school. So we got you a — set of quills. Yes. Yes. Yes. Look at these bad boys. Top of the range.
Poor Padma :( another girl dragged into this mistake of a play to exist offstage for the pleasure of a man. She was always my favourite Patil twin :( and she's being so thoughtful with the stationary for her nephew Albus.
Ron: My wife, Padma. You remember. Talks slightly too close to your face, smells a bit minty. (Leans in.) Padma, mother of Panju! (To HARRY.) That’s why I’m here, of course. Panju. He’s in trouble again. I wanted to just send a Howler but Padma insisted I come in person. I don’t know why. He just laughs at me.
Panju sounds like a name you give a dog. From what I gather it doesn't sound like a genuine indian name, and the only etymology I could find from googling is the following:
something that is smooth, a smooth part or place, Mathematics to simplify, to make more polished, elegant, or agreeable, as wording or manners, to free from difficulties, to make smooth of surface, as by scraping, planing, or pressing, Phonetics without aspiration, free from harshness, sharpness, or bite, bland or mellow, as cheese or wine, elegant, easy, or polished, having projections worn away, allowing or having an even, uninterrupted movement or flow, of uniform consistency, free from lumps, as a batter, sauce, etc, generally flat or unruffled, as a calm se free from projections or unevenness of surface, not rough, free from hairs or a hairy growth, free from or proceeding without abrupt curves, bends, etc, easy and uniform, as motion or the working of a machine, free from hindrances or difficulties, undisturbed, tranquil, or equable, as the feelings, temper, etc , serene, ingratiatingly polite or suave, not harsh to the ear, as sound, in a smooth manner, smoothly, to remove, to tranquilize, calm, or soothe, act of smoothingIt is believed in many parts around the world that the persons who bears same name has the similar qualities.
If there were any actual significance behind the name I'd say it implies that Panju was the product of a happy marriage, or the disjunction between "agreeable, smooth" and the trouble-making that we hear but don't see that Panju does but all that sounds like overthinking it for a character whose going to un-exist by the end of this play (RIP Panju) so who cares. Anyway Panju sounds way cooler than any of these self-pitying nerds, I wish we got to spend the whole play with him instead. Apparently mischief makers are out of fashion now and we have to follow Albus and Harry the wet blanket team around instead.
Anyway then Albus points out that Ron #1 was married to Hermione (Ron recoils at the notion) and then Ron and Harry laugh that Albus has forgotten he's in Gryffindor which apparently happened like this
Ron: You persuaded the Sorting Hat, don’t you remember? Panju bet you that you couldn’t get into Gryffindor if your life depended on it, so you chose Gryffindor to spite him. I can’t blame you, (dry) we’d all like to wipe the smile off his face sometimes, wouldn’t we? (Terrified.) Please don’t tell Padma I said that.
(apparently Ron has climbed aboard the "deep down I hate my kid" train and it also sounds like he doesn't get along with his wife and honestly I can only hope that he's getting cucked and Padma is having a good time with Terry or Lisa or Zacharias or whoever instead)
and then Scorpius appears and Harry shakes him off and Albus tells Scorpius that they can't be pals anymore because ~drama and then the scene ends with Scorpius being heartbroken.
Act Two Scene 10
(Headmistress' Office)
PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: I’m not sure this is what the Marauder’s Map was intended for.
(Professor McGonagall agrees with me about James and Sirius here at least)
Anyway Harry's here to lay down the law to McGonagall. Poor McGonagall. She dealt with Umbridge as a Ministry Minion only to have to bow down before Harry and his fatal lack of parenting skills or basic reason. Harry tells McGonagall to use the map to stop Albus and Scorpius being pals. McGonagall is really being the voice of reason throughout this scene but a plot this stupid has to be driven by idiots so Harry has to smack her down.
PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Harry, are you sure this is the right decision? Because far be it from me to doubt the wisdom of the centaurs, but Bane is an extremely angry centaur and . . . it’s not beyond him to twist the constellations for his own ends.
translation: don't take advice from a fortune telling furry, you moron.
Harry says he trusts Bane and also he got advice from a 2D painting that agreed with him.
PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Dumbledore is dead, Harry. And I’ve told you before, portraits don’t represent even half of their subjects.
HARRY: He said love had blinded me.
PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: A head teacher’s portrait is a memoir. It is supposed to be a support mechanism for the decisions I have to make. But I was advised as I took this job to not mistake the painting for the person. And you would be well-advised to do the same
Phew! Good thing Harry's taking advice from a portrait of a whitewashed dead guy who got it on with proto-alt right death wizard when he was a kid and then did nothing but fuck up. Otherwise he might have to take advice from a woman.
Also Ginny's here as well, but she's back in the shy retiring housewife mould, either because she's Alt!Ginny or because she never had a character to begin with so no one can tell when it changes, or because the play has to show Harry being the ~man and the only way he can do that if it he loudly and self-righteously talks over women who disagree with him. Then Harry tells McGonagall who was again attempting to inject some common sense into the scene to shut up because she's a childless barren idiot whose getting in the way of the father-son relationship which is the centre of this play with her independent thoughts. God I hate when women do that. Exist. Be teacher and authority figures etc.
Anyway Harry tells her to stalk Albus with the map in the most manly, law-giving manner possible
HARRY: This map will reveal to you where my son is at all times — I expect you to use it. And if I hear you don’t — then I will come down on this school as hard as I can — using the full force of the Ministry — is that understood?
Christ what a prick.
Act Two Scene 11
(DADA Classroom)
The entire gist of this scene is that without the love of the right man Hermione is a shrew. Because women who don't marry the right man become shrivelled and awful.
ALBUS: What are you doing here?
HERMIONE: Teaching. For my sins. What are you doing here? Learning, I hope.
Quick Hermione be more of a shrew we need to know what happens to women who fail to marry correctly
ALBUS: But you’re not this mean.
HERMIONE: And that’s twenty points from Gryffindor to assure Albus Potter that I am this mean.
Anyway she's teaching the patronus charm to a classroom of numbskulls because there's no other piece of lore that came immediately to mind when whichever hack was banging this mistake out on a keyboard and also Rose doesn't exist anymore because we can't have two shrews we can only have one. Hermione gets annoyed that Albus talks about Hermione marrying Ron and having Rose and docks points and is super mean but her character was terrible to start with so now that she's female Snape honestly it might be an improvement.
Act Two Scene 12
(Staircases)
Albus and Scorpius do a dance of the moving staircases to show them being sad at being separated and because Rose doesn't exist anymore there's no reason not to have their affections becoming more romantic but Rowling doesn't have the guts so its just heterosexual not gay pining.
Act Two Scene 13
(Harry and Ginny Potter's House, kitchen)
The stage directions say that Harry and Ginny are on the verge of an argument. Fortunately before we're treated to the sight of Ginny attempting to stand up to her husband (she starts off by nauseatingly buttering him up "Harry, you have one of the greatest hearts of any wizard who ever lived, and I do not believe your heart told you to do this") but luckily before we have to see a man argue with a woman who is his equal Draco arrives to interrupt and he's mad and also a better father than Harry could ever dream of being.
DRACO: I’m not here to antagonize you. But my son is in tears and I am his father and so I am here to ask why you would keep apart two good friends.
HARRY: I’m not keeping them apart.
DRACO: You’ve changed school timetables, you’ve threatened both teachers and Albus himself. Why?
Anyway then Harry mentions Bane's black cloud and brings up the ~rumour and then Draco starts to duel him and they both have a duel in Harry and Ginny's kitchen and it probably looks pretty good on the stage but in the text its just two idiot adult men indulging themselves instead of ostensibly caring about their children and in the end Ginny comes in to clean up.
Act Two Scene 14
(Staircases)
Scorpius is being miserable and lonely until he's intercepted by Delphi. She's been sneaking in. Scorpius asks how come she never went to Hogwarts and Delphi says she didn't get to go because she was ill as a child and doesn't like to talk about it because she doesn't want to be seen as a tragic case.
Albus owled her and told her they failed and she says she knows because she checked the history books and Scorpius is also concerned for some reason that Ron and Hermione have "gone completely skewwiff" even though there's no reason for him to be concerned because he doesn't even know these people.
But Delphi is here on an even more important mission than time turning. She's here on the mission of ~friendship. Good thing Delphi's here to tell us how bad the important main boy characters are feeling.
DELPHI: You’re best friends. Every owl he sends I can feel your absence. He’s destroyed by it.
SCORPIUS: Sounds like he’s found a shoulder to cry on. How many owls has he sent you now?
DELPHI: You know, I didn’t have a best friend when I was your age. I wanted one. Desperately. When I was younger I even invented one but —
DELPHI: Albus needs you, Scorpius. That’s a wonderful thing.
SCORPIUS: He needs me to do what?
DELPHI: That’s the thing, isn’t it? About friendships. You don’t know what he needs. You only know he needs it. Find him, Scorpius. You two — you belong together
Yeah yeah we get it the two special boy characters and their boy friendship and their relationship with their adult boy fathers are the most important parts of this play.
Back to the important boy fathers
Act Two Scene 15
(Harry and Ginny Potter's Kitchen)
Harry and Draco are standing at opposite ends of the kitchen with Ginny in between them because they can't be trusted to be responsible adults.
Draco apologises for messing up the kitchen (the woman's domain)
GINNY: Oh, it’s not my kitchen. Harry does most of the cooking.
I interpret this to mean that Harry orders Kretcher to do the cooking and just takes the credit for it, like my fucked up aunt did with her Filipina maid in Hong Kong. As if.
Anyway that's enough of Ginny. Back to the man angst.
DRACO: I can’t talk to him either. Scorpius. Especially since — Astoria has gone. I can’t even talk about how losing her has affected him. As hard as I try, I can’t reach him. You can’t talk to Albus. I can’t talk to Scorpius. That’s what this is about. Not about my son being evil. Because as much as you might take the word of a haughty centaur, you know the power of friendship.
Astoria gets namedropped again. The fridged dead mother blah blah. Also for some reason now Draco is a believer in the power of friendship? I wonder what changed his mind. Also the author from on high tells us how to interpret Draco's friendship with Crabbe and Goyle
DRACO: I always envied you them, you know — Weasley and Granger. I had —
GINNY: Crabbe and Goyle.
DRACO: Two lunks who wouldn’t know one end of a broomstick from another. You — the three of you — you shone, you know? You liked each other. You had fun. I envied you those friendships more than anything else.
Sucks that Crabbe and Goyle were basically animate objects that followed Draco around as thugs but that's really a failure of the author to make them believable characters rather than anything else. I remember the first time when I read DH I was so amazed that one of them (Crabbe I think??) actually spoke and took independent action, even if it was chasing the idiot squad through the RoR and committing arson. Almost like he was a real boy instead of an animated golem created to make it look like Slytherin was populated by human beings.
GINNY: I envied them too.
Ginny nobody wants to hear about your feelings. This is a boy play remember??? Also what happened to the spunky Ginny with lots of nameless friends who definitely existed and the parade of boyfriends??? Keep your story straight please.
Anyway then Draco talks about his man pain for a bit and also how it relates to Voldemort's man pain (honestly ???)
DRACO: My father thought he was protecting me. Most of the time. I think you have to make a choice — at a certain point — of the man you want to be. And I tell you that at that time you need a parent or a friend. And if you’ve learnt to hate your parent by then and you have no friends . . . then you’re all alone. And being alone — that’s so hard. I was alone. And it sent me to a truly dark place. For a long time. Tom Riddle was also a lonely child. You may not understand that, Harry, but I do — and I think Ginny does too.
GINNY: He’s right.
DRACO: Tom Riddle didn’t emerge from his dark place. And so Tom Riddle became Lord Voldemort. Maybe the black cloud Bane saw was Albus’s loneliness. His pain. His hatred. Don’t lose the boy. You’ll regret it. And so will he. Because he needs you, and Scorpius, whether or not he now knows it.
Yeah yeah we've been hearing all about the special boy feelings.
Act Two Scene 16
(Hogwarts Library)
Albus and Scorpius finally have a small chat about that minor fuck up they caused. What is concerning to Scorpius is that his designated heterosexual love interest no longer exists. Apparently this is because of the fact that Ron actually did take Hermione to the Yule Ball and they danced together as friends and then the evil witch Padma flew down from the ceiling like a harpy and stole Ron and married him and then Hermione became a -
ALBUS: — psychopath.
SCORPIUS: Hermione was supposed to go to that ball with Krum — do you know why she didn’t? Because she had suspicions the two strange Durmstrang boys she met before the first task were somehow involved in the disappearance of Cedric’s wand. She believed we — under Viktor’s orders — cost Cedric the first task . . .
All this bilge is apparently from a book Skeeter wrote. Okay how would Rita even know Hermione's motives here? Did she walk around with her thoughts plastered on her forehead? Also even though Ron and Hermione were friends and went to the ball together Ron still marries someone else and Hermione becomes a psychopath (not the right word boys just say shrew she's a shrew okay??) because who dates who in High School is actually the most important factor deciding the rest of their life.
Anyway the Ball dictated the rest of Ron and Hermione's life (and Panju's existence this is clearly the better timeline if we ditch Rose to get Panju) but apparently Harry #2 is the same as Harry #1 and he's just behaving like this because he's a prick.
Albus thinks they should fix it but Scorpius disagrees and then they both have another existential crises about their image of themselves as reflections of their fathers and recapitulate the theme of this play. It may be consistent but that doesn't make it not boring as hell. Scorpius calls Albus out on the fact that he's messing with time and people's lives to prove something to his dad.
SCORPIUS: Albus, whatever you’ve got to prove to your dad — this isn’t the way
SCORPIUS: Oh poor Albus Potter. With his chip on his shoulder. Poor Albus Potter. So sad.
SCORPIUS: People look at you because your dad’s the famous Harry Potter, savior of the wizarding world. People look at me because they think my dad is Voldemort. Voldemort.
SCORPIUS: Can you even slightly imagine what that’s like? Have you even ever tried? No. Because you can’t see beyond the end of your nose. Because you can’t see beyond the end of your stupid thing with your dad. He will always be Harry Potter, you know that, right? And you will always be his son. And I know it’s hard, and the other kids are awful, but you have to learn to be okay with that, because — there are worse things, okay?
SCORPIUS: There was a moment I was excited, when I realized time was different, a moment when I thought maybe my mum hadn’t got sick. Maybe my mum wasn’t dead. But no, turns out, she was. I’m still the child of Voldemort, without a mother, giving sympathy to the boy who doesn’t ever give anything back. So I’m sorry if I’ve ruined your life because I tell you — you wouldn’t have a chance of ruining mine — it was already ruined. You just didn’t make it better. Because you’re a terrible — the most terrible — friend.
yeah yeah his mother's still fridged his bestie's a prick who cares.
Anyway then McGonagall comes along because she's been on spying duty on the map and Albus pulls out the invisibility cloak that belongs to his brother that he has stolen without asking because he is the protagonist and they hide from McGonagall who pretends not to see them because she thought Harry's plan was dumb and she's all aboard the ~friendship train and then she leaves.
Anyway Albus admits he stole the cloak but its nbd because James is easy to steal from. Oh okay thats fine then. He then has a bad attempt to empathise with his "friend" like so:
ALBUS: I’m sorry — about your mum. I know we don’t talk about her enough — but I hope you know — I’m sorry — it’s rubbish — what happened to her — to you.
Then Albus admits that Harry's department is investigating the rumours of his parentage on the grounds that a furry told him there was a "black cloud" around his son. Just imagine what actual criminals are getting up to while Harry investigates dumb stuff like this. Must be a crime wave out there. Albus says the rumours can't possibly be true because Voldemort couldn't have a kind son like Scorpius but we'll be seeing the tainted fruit of his blood again as soon as Delphi makes her next appearance which hopefully will be soon.
Then Albus and Scorpius attempt to have a non-homosexual friend bonding moment but its ruined by Albus' self absorption and lack of empathy.
After the moment is done and they're "friends" (although Albus is coming off as so self-involved that I'm not sure he's really friend material, much like his father) Albus tells Scorpius the next phase of the ~plan. They're going to use their knowledge of being losers and being humiliated to make Cedric humiliated and lose the second task and by doing this Rose will be restored and everything will be fixed (?)
Act Two Scene 6
(Edge of the forbidden forest)
Albus and Scorpius take a moment to stand on the edge of the forest and admire the scenery.
Scorpius: Still get a tingle, don’t you? When you see it?
And revealed through the trees is HOGWARTS — a splendid mass of bulbous buildings and towers.
Albus: From the moment I first heard of it, I was desperate to go. I mean, Dad didn’t much like it there but even the way he described it . . . From the age of ten I’d check the Daily Prophet first thing every morning — certain some sort of tragedy would have befallen it — certain I wouldn’t get to go.
Ah yes, Hogwarts. Think of it. The rotting tapestries. The dust. The mould. The lacquer cracking oil paintings. The rusting suits of armour. The slaves house elves still merrily toiling away in the basement. Frankly some sort of tragedy (or a bit of dynamite) might be an improvement. Lets have an interlude
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rphZxoe4n_0
Lovely.
Anyway then Albus and Scorpius have a conversation in which they compare themselves to Harry Potter (Albus' dad) instead of attempting the process of individuation critical to maturation. Too hard.
Scorpius: All I ever wanted to do was go to Hogwarts and have a mate to get up to mayhem with. Just like Harry Potter. And I got his son. How crazily fortunate is that.
Well actually, Harry had two besties, but one of them was a girl so for present purposes she doesn't exist, and it will be preferable for the rest of the play if she never existed to begin with.
(they hear Ron's voice in the distance) Albus gets scared and tells Scorpius to get on with it. I'm not really sure why he's scared of the ineffectual comic relief Ron has been distilled to, or why he's scared at all considering there's no tension at all in this scene because the problem is mostly that Albus had a tantrum and ran away from school (must be difficult trying to make some on the stage).
Anyway then they activate the time turner to go back to the triwizard tournament, proving that just like how Albus and Scorpius can't have individual identities that don't relate to their parents, this play can't have an individual plot that isn't a literal rehash of things we've already seen, except less interesting because they just go on in the background while this two morons pretend like they're doing something.
Act Two Scene 7
(Triwzard Tournament, edge of the forbidden forest 1994)
More bizarre stage directions: Ludo is now the "“greatest showman on earth” (his words, not ours) , using Sonorus to amplify his voice, and having a ball."
I don't remember Ludo doing the commentary for the first task, might be movie contamination, but anyway, he asks the three schools to give cheers and Beaubaxtons' is "slightly limp" and its funny because they're french and effeminate (lol).
Ludo introduces Victor as "Victor Krazy Krum" making him sound like a wrestler (sorry Victor) (Albus and Scorpius approve of this moniker which makes me push them slightly more up the idiot scale). Ludo introduces Fleur as "zut alors, it’s Fleur Delacour" and its funny because she's french and Cedric gets "he makes us all go weaky at the kneesy, he’s Cedric Delicious Diggory" (whats with the cutesy language its gross please stop whoever is writing this dialogue) and also "Harry Plucky Potter" is here too.
Also Young Hermione is here, played by the same actor who plays Rose (this is specified in the script for reasons beyond my comprehension) so we can get this gross exchange:
YOUNG HERMIONE: If you’re going to stand so close I’d rather you didn’t breathe on me quite so much.
SCORPIUS: Rose? What are you doing here?
YOUNG HERMIONE: Who’s Rose? And what’s happened to your accent?
ALBUS (with a bad accent): Sorry. Hermione. He’s got you mixed up with someone else.
YOUNG HERMIONE: How do you know my name?
(Its funny because women are interchangeable so there's no difference between having a crush on the mother as there is on the daughter)
Anyway, the time turner starts combusting, Albus disarms Cedric (how is that not obvious this plan is so bad) they get yanked forwards in time and found by Harry, Ron, Ginny and Draco and then Albus faints.
Act Two Scene 8
Albus is asleep in the hospital wing, with Harry watching over him while he sleeps. Watching over him however is the 2D representation of Albus Dumbledore, who is dead, who is in this play so we can be reminded about how much we love him and all the good stuff he did when he was alive and how he's the purest saint, JK's finest creation who embodied the power of ~love and if I keep writing any more of this I'm honestly going to be sick.
Anyway, painting Dumbledore and Harry commiserate over Albus.
DUMBLEDORE: A difficult thing, I imagine, to watch your child in pain.
Well, difficult for Harry maybe. I got the impression that Dumbledore enjoyed perving on kids in pain. Pain that he orchestrated himself, mind.
Harry asked a 2D picture of a dead guy who did nothing but fuck up how to protect his kid, and the entire rest of the conversation is just an excuse to whitewash him.
DUMBLEDORE: You ask me, of all people, how to protect a boy in terrible danger? We cannot protect the young from harm. Pain must and will come.
yeah yeah we get it Dumbledore did nothing wrong etc.
Anyway then 2D Dumbledore says that Harry's "blinded by his love" for his kid, which is odd because a) Harry's done nothing but be a self-absorbed prick vis-a-vis his kid and b) Dumbledore wouldn't know what being blinded by love felt like considering that he did nothing but use or discard people who actually did feel love his entire life. Also it makes me laugh that this is the play's version of a character flaw for Harry; Harry did you know you love too much you just have a heart thats too big so when you are a prick its just your excessive nondirectional affection showing through. Anyway the rest of the conversation is Dumbledore telling Harry to embrace his son as he is and more of the ominous foreshadowing about the ~black cloud (spoilers its Delphi and she's a girl and she's evil mystery solved). Its kind of sad that Harry is asking for advice from a 2D painting of a guy who did nothing but use him, but this conversation is basically in lieu of us enduring more tweets from JK talking about how no one in heaven or on this earth measures up to Dumbledore etc Dumbledore did nothing wrong etc Harry is so loving and special and misunderstood not even his own son gives him the deference he deserves etc and honestly the whole play could have just been replaced by a series of tweets telling us how to interpret all the characters and it wouldn't be any less infuriating but it would be more efficient.
Anyway then Albus wakes up and he and Harry share some chocolate together because the matron told them to (????) and it would be a father-son moment except I'm not sure that anyone involved in this production has any idea of what healthy family relationships look like.
Then Albus lies to Harry and says he wanted to run off to the muggle world (or out of this play that would have been so good for him) and then Harry tells him to stay away from Scorpius (I think he thinks that Scorpius is the ~dark cloud but then Harry would be one of the credulous sheeple drinking up the Scorpius son of Voldemort rumour so it isn't that okay).
Harry says he saw Bane "a centaur with profound divination skills" and that's where he got the inside scoop to make Albus stay away from his only friend which amuses me because if I were Bane I'd just get a kick out of telling credulous dolts that the stars have predicted that they need to divorce their husband and have sex with the amazon delivery guy just to see whether they'd do it because a furry told them to.
Harry says he'll make Albus stay away from Scorpius using the marauders map. James and Sirius, who made the map to avoid authority, make mischief & have fun, would be spinning in their graves to hear that Harry is using the map to be petty and dictatorial, but hopefully they've disowned him in the afterlife so maybe its nbd.
Anyway the scene ends on the ~shocking note that Albus in this timeline is in Gryffindor not Slytherin, which would be a ~huge twist if Slytherin and Gryffindor had been established as having any actual significance in this play beyond the fact that a girl (Rose) who has three lines is in one of them and then the ~huge twist of Harry turning into a prick whose going to control his son's every movement while he investigates Scorpius' parentage which would be shocking, I guess, if he hadn't spent the play being a huge prick already. Anyway here's good parenting moment #2 courtesy of Alt!Timeline Harry, who is different from original Harry in some way that's too boring to explain.
HARRY: I thought for a long time I wasn’t a good enough dad for you because you didn’t like me. It’s only now I realize that I don’t need you to like me, I need you to obey me because I’m your dad and I do know better. I’m sorry, Albus. It has to be this way.
Ok so the confected drama of the father son relationship continues. I'm on the edge of my seat.
Act Two Scene 9
(Hogwarts Staircase)
Not sure why this is a separate scene as the conversation continues from the previous scene with no gap. Albus is running after Harry asking him to re-consider whether he wants the central drama of this play to be his shitty relationship with his son, and couldn't they do something else instead of watching badly characterised morons have unfulfilling family relationships for no reason -
when Ron appears. Except its not Ron, its Alt!Timeline Ron, even more badly characterised that original Ron. Except he's still got this author's chauvinism towards women so that's one thing. Also he doesn't run a joke shop anymore and because I always thought that was stupid my estimation of Ron #2 rises a little.
Ron: (now supremely confused): A joke shop? Well now. Anyway I’m pleased I caught you. I was going to bring some sweets — for a, uh, sort of, a, get well soon, but, uh . . . Actually Padma — she thinks about things a lot more — deeply — than I do — and she thought it’d be nicer for you to get something useful for school. So we got you a — set of quills. Yes. Yes. Yes. Look at these bad boys. Top of the range.
Poor Padma :( another girl dragged into this mistake of a play to exist offstage for the pleasure of a man. She was always my favourite Patil twin :( and she's being so thoughtful with the stationary for her nephew Albus.
Ron: My wife, Padma. You remember. Talks slightly too close to your face, smells a bit minty. (Leans in.) Padma, mother of Panju! (To HARRY.) That’s why I’m here, of course. Panju. He’s in trouble again. I wanted to just send a Howler but Padma insisted I come in person. I don’t know why. He just laughs at me.
Panju sounds like a name you give a dog. From what I gather it doesn't sound like a genuine indian name, and the only etymology I could find from googling is the following:
something that is smooth, a smooth part or place, Mathematics to simplify, to make more polished, elegant, or agreeable, as wording or manners, to free from difficulties, to make smooth of surface, as by scraping, planing, or pressing, Phonetics without aspiration, free from harshness, sharpness, or bite, bland or mellow, as cheese or wine, elegant, easy, or polished, having projections worn away, allowing or having an even, uninterrupted movement or flow, of uniform consistency, free from lumps, as a batter, sauce, etc, generally flat or unruffled, as a calm se free from projections or unevenness of surface, not rough, free from hairs or a hairy growth, free from or proceeding without abrupt curves, bends, etc, easy and uniform, as motion or the working of a machine, free from hindrances or difficulties, undisturbed, tranquil, or equable, as the feelings, temper, etc , serene, ingratiatingly polite or suave, not harsh to the ear, as sound, in a smooth manner, smoothly, to remove, to tranquilize, calm, or soothe, act of smoothingIt is believed in many parts around the world that the persons who bears same name has the similar qualities.
If there were any actual significance behind the name I'd say it implies that Panju was the product of a happy marriage, or the disjunction between "agreeable, smooth" and the trouble-making that we hear but don't see that Panju does but all that sounds like overthinking it for a character whose going to un-exist by the end of this play (RIP Panju) so who cares. Anyway Panju sounds way cooler than any of these self-pitying nerds, I wish we got to spend the whole play with him instead. Apparently mischief makers are out of fashion now and we have to follow Albus and Harry the wet blanket team around instead.
Anyway then Albus points out that Ron #1 was married to Hermione (Ron recoils at the notion) and then Ron and Harry laugh that Albus has forgotten he's in Gryffindor which apparently happened like this
Ron: You persuaded the Sorting Hat, don’t you remember? Panju bet you that you couldn’t get into Gryffindor if your life depended on it, so you chose Gryffindor to spite him. I can’t blame you, (dry) we’d all like to wipe the smile off his face sometimes, wouldn’t we? (Terrified.) Please don’t tell Padma I said that.
(apparently Ron has climbed aboard the "deep down I hate my kid" train and it also sounds like he doesn't get along with his wife and honestly I can only hope that he's getting cucked and Padma is having a good time with Terry or Lisa or Zacharias or whoever instead)
and then Scorpius appears and Harry shakes him off and Albus tells Scorpius that they can't be pals anymore because ~drama and then the scene ends with Scorpius being heartbroken.
Act Two Scene 10
(Headmistress' Office)
PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: I’m not sure this is what the Marauder’s Map was intended for.
(Professor McGonagall agrees with me about James and Sirius here at least)
Anyway Harry's here to lay down the law to McGonagall. Poor McGonagall. She dealt with Umbridge as a Ministry Minion only to have to bow down before Harry and his fatal lack of parenting skills or basic reason. Harry tells McGonagall to use the map to stop Albus and Scorpius being pals. McGonagall is really being the voice of reason throughout this scene but a plot this stupid has to be driven by idiots so Harry has to smack her down.
PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Harry, are you sure this is the right decision? Because far be it from me to doubt the wisdom of the centaurs, but Bane is an extremely angry centaur and . . . it’s not beyond him to twist the constellations for his own ends.
translation: don't take advice from a fortune telling furry, you moron.
Harry says he trusts Bane and also he got advice from a 2D painting that agreed with him.
PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Dumbledore is dead, Harry. And I’ve told you before, portraits don’t represent even half of their subjects.
HARRY: He said love had blinded me.
PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: A head teacher’s portrait is a memoir. It is supposed to be a support mechanism for the decisions I have to make. But I was advised as I took this job to not mistake the painting for the person. And you would be well-advised to do the same
Phew! Good thing Harry's taking advice from a portrait of a whitewashed dead guy who got it on with proto-alt right death wizard when he was a kid and then did nothing but fuck up. Otherwise he might have to take advice from a woman.
Also Ginny's here as well, but she's back in the shy retiring housewife mould, either because she's Alt!Ginny or because she never had a character to begin with so no one can tell when it changes, or because the play has to show Harry being the ~man and the only way he can do that if it he loudly and self-righteously talks over women who disagree with him. Then Harry tells McGonagall who was again attempting to inject some common sense into the scene to shut up because she's a childless barren idiot whose getting in the way of the father-son relationship which is the centre of this play with her independent thoughts. God I hate when women do that. Exist. Be teacher and authority figures etc.
Anyway Harry tells her to stalk Albus with the map in the most manly, law-giving manner possible
HARRY: This map will reveal to you where my son is at all times — I expect you to use it. And if I hear you don’t — then I will come down on this school as hard as I can — using the full force of the Ministry — is that understood?
Christ what a prick.
Act Two Scene 11
(DADA Classroom)
The entire gist of this scene is that without the love of the right man Hermione is a shrew. Because women who don't marry the right man become shrivelled and awful.
ALBUS: What are you doing here?
HERMIONE: Teaching. For my sins. What are you doing here? Learning, I hope.
Quick Hermione be more of a shrew we need to know what happens to women who fail to marry correctly
ALBUS: But you’re not this mean.
HERMIONE: And that’s twenty points from Gryffindor to assure Albus Potter that I am this mean.
Anyway she's teaching the patronus charm to a classroom of numbskulls because there's no other piece of lore that came immediately to mind when whichever hack was banging this mistake out on a keyboard and also Rose doesn't exist anymore because we can't have two shrews we can only have one. Hermione gets annoyed that Albus talks about Hermione marrying Ron and having Rose and docks points and is super mean but her character was terrible to start with so now that she's female Snape honestly it might be an improvement.
Act Two Scene 12
(Staircases)
Albus and Scorpius do a dance of the moving staircases to show them being sad at being separated and because Rose doesn't exist anymore there's no reason not to have their affections becoming more romantic but Rowling doesn't have the guts so its just heterosexual not gay pining.
Act Two Scene 13
(Harry and Ginny Potter's House, kitchen)
The stage directions say that Harry and Ginny are on the verge of an argument. Fortunately before we're treated to the sight of Ginny attempting to stand up to her husband (she starts off by nauseatingly buttering him up "Harry, you have one of the greatest hearts of any wizard who ever lived, and I do not believe your heart told you to do this") but luckily before we have to see a man argue with a woman who is his equal Draco arrives to interrupt and he's mad and also a better father than Harry could ever dream of being.
DRACO: I’m not here to antagonize you. But my son is in tears and I am his father and so I am here to ask why you would keep apart two good friends.
HARRY: I’m not keeping them apart.
DRACO: You’ve changed school timetables, you’ve threatened both teachers and Albus himself. Why?
Anyway then Harry mentions Bane's black cloud and brings up the ~rumour and then Draco starts to duel him and they both have a duel in Harry and Ginny's kitchen and it probably looks pretty good on the stage but in the text its just two idiot adult men indulging themselves instead of ostensibly caring about their children and in the end Ginny comes in to clean up.
Act Two Scene 14
(Staircases)
Scorpius is being miserable and lonely until he's intercepted by Delphi. She's been sneaking in. Scorpius asks how come she never went to Hogwarts and Delphi says she didn't get to go because she was ill as a child and doesn't like to talk about it because she doesn't want to be seen as a tragic case.
Albus owled her and told her they failed and she says she knows because she checked the history books and Scorpius is also concerned for some reason that Ron and Hermione have "gone completely skewwiff" even though there's no reason for him to be concerned because he doesn't even know these people.
But Delphi is here on an even more important mission than time turning. She's here on the mission of ~friendship. Good thing Delphi's here to tell us how bad the important main boy characters are feeling.
DELPHI: You’re best friends. Every owl he sends I can feel your absence. He’s destroyed by it.
SCORPIUS: Sounds like he’s found a shoulder to cry on. How many owls has he sent you now?
DELPHI: You know, I didn’t have a best friend when I was your age. I wanted one. Desperately. When I was younger I even invented one but —
DELPHI: Albus needs you, Scorpius. That’s a wonderful thing.
SCORPIUS: He needs me to do what?
DELPHI: That’s the thing, isn’t it? About friendships. You don’t know what he needs. You only know he needs it. Find him, Scorpius. You two — you belong together
Yeah yeah we get it the two special boy characters and their boy friendship and their relationship with their adult boy fathers are the most important parts of this play.
Back to the important boy fathers
Act Two Scene 15
(Harry and Ginny Potter's Kitchen)
Harry and Draco are standing at opposite ends of the kitchen with Ginny in between them because they can't be trusted to be responsible adults.
Draco apologises for messing up the kitchen (the woman's domain)
GINNY: Oh, it’s not my kitchen. Harry does most of the cooking.
I interpret this to mean that Harry orders Kretcher to do the cooking and just takes the credit for it, like my fucked up aunt did with her Filipina maid in Hong Kong. As if.
Anyway that's enough of Ginny. Back to the man angst.
DRACO: I can’t talk to him either. Scorpius. Especially since — Astoria has gone. I can’t even talk about how losing her has affected him. As hard as I try, I can’t reach him. You can’t talk to Albus. I can’t talk to Scorpius. That’s what this is about. Not about my son being evil. Because as much as you might take the word of a haughty centaur, you know the power of friendship.
Astoria gets namedropped again. The fridged dead mother blah blah. Also for some reason now Draco is a believer in the power of friendship? I wonder what changed his mind. Also the author from on high tells us how to interpret Draco's friendship with Crabbe and Goyle
DRACO: I always envied you them, you know — Weasley and Granger. I had —
GINNY: Crabbe and Goyle.
DRACO: Two lunks who wouldn’t know one end of a broomstick from another. You — the three of you — you shone, you know? You liked each other. You had fun. I envied you those friendships more than anything else.
Sucks that Crabbe and Goyle were basically animate objects that followed Draco around as thugs but that's really a failure of the author to make them believable characters rather than anything else. I remember the first time when I read DH I was so amazed that one of them (Crabbe I think??) actually spoke and took independent action, even if it was chasing the idiot squad through the RoR and committing arson. Almost like he was a real boy instead of an animated golem created to make it look like Slytherin was populated by human beings.
GINNY: I envied them too.
Ginny nobody wants to hear about your feelings. This is a boy play remember??? Also what happened to the spunky Ginny with lots of nameless friends who definitely existed and the parade of boyfriends??? Keep your story straight please.
Anyway then Draco talks about his man pain for a bit and also how it relates to Voldemort's man pain (honestly ???)
DRACO: My father thought he was protecting me. Most of the time. I think you have to make a choice — at a certain point — of the man you want to be. And I tell you that at that time you need a parent or a friend. And if you’ve learnt to hate your parent by then and you have no friends . . . then you’re all alone. And being alone — that’s so hard. I was alone. And it sent me to a truly dark place. For a long time. Tom Riddle was also a lonely child. You may not understand that, Harry, but I do — and I think Ginny does too.
GINNY: He’s right.
DRACO: Tom Riddle didn’t emerge from his dark place. And so Tom Riddle became Lord Voldemort. Maybe the black cloud Bane saw was Albus’s loneliness. His pain. His hatred. Don’t lose the boy. You’ll regret it. And so will he. Because he needs you, and Scorpius, whether or not he now knows it.
Yeah yeah we've been hearing all about the special boy feelings.
Act Two Scene 16
(Hogwarts Library)
Albus and Scorpius finally have a small chat about that minor fuck up they caused. What is concerning to Scorpius is that his designated heterosexual love interest no longer exists. Apparently this is because of the fact that Ron actually did take Hermione to the Yule Ball and they danced together as friends and then the evil witch Padma flew down from the ceiling like a harpy and stole Ron and married him and then Hermione became a -
ALBUS: — psychopath.
SCORPIUS: Hermione was supposed to go to that ball with Krum — do you know why she didn’t? Because she had suspicions the two strange Durmstrang boys she met before the first task were somehow involved in the disappearance of Cedric’s wand. She believed we — under Viktor’s orders — cost Cedric the first task . . .
All this bilge is apparently from a book Skeeter wrote. Okay how would Rita even know Hermione's motives here? Did she walk around with her thoughts plastered on her forehead? Also even though Ron and Hermione were friends and went to the ball together Ron still marries someone else and Hermione becomes a psychopath (not the right word boys just say shrew she's a shrew okay??) because who dates who in High School is actually the most important factor deciding the rest of their life.
Anyway the Ball dictated the rest of Ron and Hermione's life (and Panju's existence this is clearly the better timeline if we ditch Rose to get Panju) but apparently Harry #2 is the same as Harry #1 and he's just behaving like this because he's a prick.
Albus thinks they should fix it but Scorpius disagrees and then they both have another existential crises about their image of themselves as reflections of their fathers and recapitulate the theme of this play. It may be consistent but that doesn't make it not boring as hell. Scorpius calls Albus out on the fact that he's messing with time and people's lives to prove something to his dad.
SCORPIUS: Albus, whatever you’ve got to prove to your dad — this isn’t the way
SCORPIUS: Oh poor Albus Potter. With his chip on his shoulder. Poor Albus Potter. So sad.
SCORPIUS: People look at you because your dad’s the famous Harry Potter, savior of the wizarding world. People look at me because they think my dad is Voldemort. Voldemort.
SCORPIUS: Can you even slightly imagine what that’s like? Have you even ever tried? No. Because you can’t see beyond the end of your nose. Because you can’t see beyond the end of your stupid thing with your dad. He will always be Harry Potter, you know that, right? And you will always be his son. And I know it’s hard, and the other kids are awful, but you have to learn to be okay with that, because — there are worse things, okay?
SCORPIUS: There was a moment I was excited, when I realized time was different, a moment when I thought maybe my mum hadn’t got sick. Maybe my mum wasn’t dead. But no, turns out, she was. I’m still the child of Voldemort, without a mother, giving sympathy to the boy who doesn’t ever give anything back. So I’m sorry if I’ve ruined your life because I tell you — you wouldn’t have a chance of ruining mine — it was already ruined. You just didn’t make it better. Because you’re a terrible — the most terrible — friend.
yeah yeah his mother's still fridged his bestie's a prick who cares.
Anyway then McGonagall comes along because she's been on spying duty on the map and Albus pulls out the invisibility cloak that belongs to his brother that he has stolen without asking because he is the protagonist and they hide from McGonagall who pretends not to see them because she thought Harry's plan was dumb and she's all aboard the ~friendship train and then she leaves.
Anyway Albus admits he stole the cloak but its nbd because James is easy to steal from. Oh okay thats fine then. He then has a bad attempt to empathise with his "friend" like so:
ALBUS: I’m sorry — about your mum. I know we don’t talk about her enough — but I hope you know — I’m sorry — it’s rubbish — what happened to her — to you.
Then Albus admits that Harry's department is investigating the rumours of his parentage on the grounds that a furry told him there was a "black cloud" around his son. Just imagine what actual criminals are getting up to while Harry investigates dumb stuff like this. Must be a crime wave out there. Albus says the rumours can't possibly be true because Voldemort couldn't have a kind son like Scorpius but we'll be seeing the tainted fruit of his blood again as soon as Delphi makes her next appearance which hopefully will be soon.
Then Albus and Scorpius attempt to have a non-homosexual friend bonding moment but its ruined by Albus' self absorption and lack of empathy.
After the moment is done and they're "friends" (although Albus is coming off as so self-involved that I'm not sure he's really friend material, much like his father) Albus tells Scorpius the next phase of the ~plan. They're going to use their knowledge of being losers and being humiliated to make Cedric humiliated and lose the second task and by doing this Rose will be restored and everything will be fixed (?)
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