deathtocapslock | 04 HP Philosopher’s Stone (Reply)

Ch4 The Keeper of the Keys

>It’s Hagrid’s chapter...yay?

>Why does Hogwarts need ‘Keeper of the Keys’ if (as shown in this book) doors can be opened with first year spell?

>So Hagrid “swung [doors] clean off its hinges”, yet manages to put them back on the hinges? It just might be me, but it sounds like there should be some damage to hinges after such rough treatment.

>Lesson number one of wizarding etiquette: when visiting muggles, do not bother with asking for permissions. Boldly ask for beverages, boss around the hosts. When one of them tries to protest your actions do not be afraid to threaten them. They must be handled like brain addled children!

> +3 to Crime Count for trespassing and destruction of private property (the door and the gun). And we are only on page 1 of this chapter!

>Compared to Chapter 1, Hagrid’s accent is worse.

>Durslays act like normal scared people while their nephew sits there emotionlessly like baby lemming awaiting his death. No wonder Harry has such big problems with connecting with them.

>Harry apparently never learnt stranger-danger stuff from his relatives or school and cheerfully accepts questionable cake from suspicious old man. Considering how horrible Hagrid’s pastries are usually... +1 to Death Count

>So in the second chapter narrative seems to disapprove of Vernon drinking brandy to chill out after highly stressful day, yet here there is no such vibe about Hagrid wanting to drink alcohol. Jo, can you make your mind up on the issue?

>Apparently Hagrid’s coat is connected to some kind of wizarding space, since it can store things like mugs, poker or kettle.

>Harry owns up to not knowing who the hell this stranger is and why he is terrorising Durslays. Hagrid reacts like a maniac. You would think that all this shouting and wild emoting would scare Harry, but nope.

>”With a mum an’ dad like yours, what else would yeh be?” Is that me or Hagrid just said that blood matters? Oh my, it seems that morals of the story are all over the place even this early into the series.

>Also I love this: “Mr. H. Potter, The Floor, Hut-on-the-Rock, The Sea”. You can’t get anymore vague while trying to pass off as precise.

>Minerva, how did you expect a muggle-raised wizard to send you an owl with letter, when all letters so far were send via either normal post or through those wacky comedic sections?

>Hagrid tossed out an owl with important letter into middle of stormy night. I so hope that the owl gets lost and Dumbledore has to spend next few days worrying that his potential Horcrux is on loose.

>So Lily kept frog spawn in her pockets and turned teacups into rats while at home? First of all, +1 to Crime Count, since that sounds like breaking Statue of Secrecy. Second, I agree with Petunia, no normal girl above age 6 would do these kind of stuff.

>So Petunia knows that her sister’s house was reduced to rubble? Just what was in that letter from Dumbledore?

>I can imagine how that letter looked from Petunia’s POV:

Dear Petunia,

Your Sister had a tea party with local Drag Queen.

Sadly out of sheer awesomeness, Lily the Beautiful exploded, killing her hubby and the guest.

As such I’m forcing onto you this demonic child.

Yours truly,

Albus too-many-names Dumbledore

Chief Asshat of Wizarding Nonsense

Master Brainwasher of Hogwarts

Grand Wizard of the KKK

PS. You will never see even knut of money Lily the Great left for you in her Last Will.

>Hagrid cannot believe that the Potters could die in car crash. IMHO the only unbelievable thing in this scenario is ability to use car by either of them.

>Hagrid cannot spell ‘Voldemort’. I suppose this is because it is in odd language of dirty Frenchmen and not because Hagrid is moron.

>Tom finished his education in 1945 and around 1971 he started to look for followers. Got it! It’s no wonder Voldie wants to be immortal, he is so slow at doing anything that he will need at least a few centuries to fulfil whatever goals he has.

>According to Hagrid, Voldie tried to recruit Potters. Is this common assumption among wizards or another abandoned side plot?

>In this book AK is powerful evil curse that leaves mark on victim. In GoF it doesn’t leave mark, some Aurors used it and is hard to cast. By the time DH rolls everybody will toss it around like candies and it will damage your soul. Go figure.

>”Something very painful was going on in Harry’s mind.” It’s called authorial induced flashback, dear.

>Lesson number two of wizarding etiquette: If someone insults anyone you like, you should threaten them with closest phallic object.

>So Harry is famous for living through unblockable curse and reducing a wizard to pile of robes and ashes, yet nobody tries to grab him and check what is so special about him? Also we know from GoF that not just anybody can cast AK and kill somebody with it and yet here wizards just make gigantic leap of logic assuming that Harry is special instead of laughing at Voldie that he cannot get it up. +2 to Leap of Logic

>”’Most of us reckon he’s still out there somewhere but lost his powers.’” Hagrid, define for me word ‘most’. In GoF your MoM cannot believe that Voldie is not dead and in OotP majority of population do not find his opinion that strange. Unless ‘us’ means the Order, but considering that it’s nothing more than glorified (highly incompetent) babysitting service I doubt that any of you guys has an opinion on anything.

>I would die of laughter if it turned out that Harry didn’t do any kind of accidental magic and in reality was squib. I can just imagine Hagrid stubbornly dragging him for wizarding shopping, ignoring that Harry was at best able to only produce a few small sparks from his new wand and then dragging him to Kings Cross where Harry cannot pass through the barrier because he has no magic.

>”I think you must have made a mistake. I don’t think I can be a wizard.” Harry, I think you are focusing on wrong thing. So far you have only Hagrid’s word and Petunia’s spiel as proof that wizards are real. As far as you know, this could be very elaborated prank.

>Two chapters ago boa constrictor was accidentally released; now it was set on Dudley! You simply cannot keep up with our hero. Also can I retroactively add crime points, since Harry pretty much owned up to releasing the snake on purpose? Yes, I can! +2 to Crime Count.

>”Seven years there and he won’t know himself.” because he will be brainwashed- Sorry I couldn’t stop myself.

>If Dumbledore is the greatest headmaster of Hogwarts then I dread to learn what kind of insanity happened under previous headmasters.

>Vernon says he is not going to pay for Harry’s education, but do we ever learn if there is some kind of tuition and who pays it?

> Lesson number three of wizarding etiquette: if muggle keeps insulting one of people you respect, even after you threatened them, curse their progeny. Preferably in hilarious way.

>So Hagrid tried to turn Dudley into pig. Considering that in the next chapter he doesn’t fix the tail issue, I suspect that he would leave Durslays to deal with the problem even if he succeeded. +2 to Crime Count (for assault and disfiguring poor Dudley)

>Hagrid starts here a very annoying theme: he fucks up and expects children to cover for him. How he was ever considered a passable candidate for a teacher I will never know.

>Hagrid was allowed to do magic to follow Harry and give him a letter. That sounds like he was send after Durslays left their home. Just making note.

>Hagrid gives Harry his coat to keep him warm saying that he shouldn’t worry if something moves. Dear god, is that me or wizards have caveman standards of hygiene?

>Also, Hagrid keeps alive mice in his pockets. Considering that he possibly sat on Harry’s cake I’ll go ahead and chalk up any mistreatment of those poor mice as ‘they are not horrible man eating monsters thus not cute in Hagrid’s mind’.

Crime Count: 8

Death Count: 1

Leap of Logic: 2

Uncovered: 0

Spell Count:0, Hagrid’s transfiguration failed and fire spell was off screen so no points for him; I’m not going to award Lily any points for cups-into-rats stuff since it was off screen