GoF Chapter 13

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

*Hermione's eating again, Ron notices. I'm torn between pointing out her lack of sacrifice and believing any decision to not pursue this storyline is a good one.

*Still, when Hermione says she's decided there are better ways to deal with house elf rights (which she no doubt had to come up with last night while the rest of the girls in her dorm were having fun talking to each other and she was alone in bed with her growling stomach) I feel the urge to suggest she charm SLAVE MASTER across the face of everyone in the castle in pustules, including her own.

*The Malfoys: the villains who send CARE PACKAGES!! *cue ominous chord of evil*

*Squeezing bobuter pus is supposed to be disgusting but vaguely satisfying because it's for acne. Only for some reason it doesn't seem to help Eloise Midgen who's referenced as pimply again in OotP, and doesn't help Marietta. To quote Carrie White's mom, "Pimples are Hermione's The author's the Lord's way of chastising you."

*I wonder what the non-Muggle-raised kids think the pus smells like, since presumably they're less familiar with petrol.

*Draco begins the year of CoMC by asking a logical question that Hagrid can't answer. May I take this moment to say that I was actually kind of satisfied with the way this arc ended? After years of everybody trying to claim that Draco was completely to blame for what happened to him and saying Hagrid is actually a good teacher, I think JKR proved to not be completely insane on this issue. Buckbeak lived, yes, which was fine. But Hagrid still had to deal with the results of his teaching when nobody wanted to take his class. Or maybe I was just happy for less Hagrid. Of course, I've always thought the narrator made it clear Hagrid objectively sucked, so people will probably still see him as a complete innocent unjustly accused.

*Gee, would you look at that. Dean just got hurt in Hagrid's class because the thing's end exploded, to his surprise. He shows Hagrid the burn "angrily." Hagrid nods and explains that yes, that can happen. It must have been Dean's fault.

*"Well, I can certainly see why we're trying to keep them alive. Who wouldn't want pets that can burn, sting and bite all at once?" Had to write that because it's one of Draco's better lines. Between this and his "Boy who scored" line in HBP I feel confident saying that yes, he probably is funny to be friends with, since his jokes are better when he's not feeling over-vicious.

*Ah, that's the wizarding way, Hermione. Pretend to disagree with Malfoy to shut him up even if you really know he's right. Better dead than Slytherin, after all! Ever notice, btw, that every defense of Hagrid as a teacher is always knowingly false? Remember kids, that's what real friendship is about. Your friend's short-term happiness is always better than what is right and wrong.

*Ron asks to look at Lavender's Uranus. The "I'm not a lawyer but I play one in fandom" crew (Ron Hater division) gear up for sexual harassment proceedings.

*In another universe, one where Ron and Hermione have not been chained together by authorial whim, that line is foreshadowing of a nicer version of Ron/Lavender.

*I never remember anyone having to queue in the entrance hall for dinner before. D'you suppose something significant might happen this one time they have to? Like, something everyone should see?

*Now that Arthur's been mis-named in the paper, I wonder if the family will start calling him "Arnold," like they call Percy Weatherby. Something tells me they won't. Arthur's wrong name is merely a sign of his noble oppression by the bigoted masses, unlike Percy who is being rightly put in his place.

*Malfoy's jibes about Molly's weight are again, surprisingly…err…well, almost witty. Instead of singing "Weasley’s Mom is a big fat fatty fat," he comments she could do to lose a bit of weight and asks if perhaps it's just a bad picture. I guess that's cause he's teasing Ron. It's only when he teases Harry and Hermione he regresses to a dim-witted six-year-old. Also, gee, Malfoy often comes back to the idea of Harry staying at the Weasleys, which he always knows about.

*Oh my, Malfoy tried to hit Harry from behind, exactly like the twins would do in this situation. Only it's Malfoy so clearly it's much much worse!

*The pure white (awww) ferret is already shivering—from the cold stone floor, the transformation or fear?

*Awww, Crabbe is trying to pick up ferret!Draco. It takes a bit to get Crabbe's personality, but he does this, he hits Harry with the bludger in OotP and he's the one worried about what Draco's doing in HBP. Also, he reads comic books. Crabbe's cool! Could he possibly get a good moment in Book VII? Time will tell.

*Crouch doesn't like people who attack while people's backs are turned. Okay, is he really supposed to believe this? Because in this series I can imagine we're supposed to respect the one DE with the Gryffindor sense of honor—-meaning that you can do whatever cruelty you want and gang up on people as long as you follow certain rules in specific situations. (Iow, you can hit someone from behind, except in situations where you are making a point of being chivalrous.) Is he supposed to be so crazy that he thinks DEs fight fair? But wait, isn't what he's doing to the fourteen-year-old boy in this book about twice as cowardly and scummy as what Malfoy just did? Or should I assume the more sensible solution that Crouch just did this because he's Malfoy?

*Malfoy's squealing in pain, btw, and smacking on a stone floor. Yes, it's DE sadism close up! Surely our heroes will be shocked and appalled. Crouch has blown his cover before they even get to his class. Or maybe he just became everybody's favorite teacher. Death Eaters are fun!

*Tell your father Moody (that is, Barty Crouch, Jr.) is keeping a close eye on his son. Poor Draco really was just born with a big ole target on his back for DEs.

*You can totally see why Hermione is considered the moral center of the books, first with her passionate personal sacrifice for the house elf cause and now with her saying it was good that McGonnagall stopped the bouncing in case Malfoy got hurt in order to annoy—that is, flirt—with Ron.

*Moody is supercool. He knows, man. Knows what it's like to be out there doing it. Out there practicing the Dark Arts and really hurting people who deserve it, you know? He's such a rock star! It's really too bad Fake!Moody didn't start his own little army. Malfoy would have no limbs left by now!



Designated Hero
The best teachers are the ones who hurt students. The best kids are the ones that laugh and defend them!

IITS
Um, shouldn’t Trelawney know when Harry’s birthday is? I know she’s not supposed to remember the prophecy, but isn’t it, like, a national holiday? Oh, I see. IITS.

Informed Attributes
Trelawney's a total fraud and so is Divination, even though she seems to predict the most important events of the book and prophecies come true.

Jason’s Rule of Explosive Endings
Or exposive middles, when CoMC has become so tedious we need the animals to start blowing up just so something can happen in class.

Hero’s Death Battle Exemption
Though in this case it’s the minor villain. Remember how Luna got knocked out dramatically at the MoM and Ginny broke her ankle just from having somebody yank on it? Well, feel free to smack this particular ferret against stone with no permenant damage. Just don't try it at home unless you’re trying to kill it.

Nut o’ Fun
I want to know Draco's eagle owl’s name. It lands on his shoulder—is it his, like Hedwig is Harry's? Did it follow him from Hogwarts in HBP? I wouldn't be surprised if this owl turned up in Book VII and Harry recognized it from its previous mentions.

Final score: 6