OotP Chapter Thirty-Two

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*Harry seems to have finished his exam before having his fit. Say what you like about Voldemort, but he’s quite considerate when it comes to Harry’s education. Stay in school kids!

*ETA: Not that he needed to be considerate that way. Quit school and take your rightful place as the boss of everyone at 27 kids!

*Oh god. It seems like Montague’s being spoon-fed. Maybe it’s medicine, but it’s creepy that he has no reaction to Harry at all. He sounds like he’s out of it to me.

*But it’s McGonagall who’s really injured. Four stunners straight to the chest at her age. Keeping track of which people feel pain, McGonagall is, unsurprisingly, one of those who can. Four stunners to the chest is bad at 70 (this is one of those times, imo, where wizards don't live twice as long as people). Do stunners shock the heart or something? Magic has rarely been connected to that kind of concrete physical thing.

*Okay, she’s in St. Mungo’s so that she’s not at the school—she’ll be fine (as opposed to Montague who's right there but who cares?).

*I remember reading this the first time and thinking how it’s amazing just how many people need to be gotten rid of before Harry has no adults personally loyal to him at school. I mean, most kids are always on their own. With Harry you have to get rid of a father substitute, a mother substitute and a very big brother substitute before he’s got no one to turn to—and even then he’s still got one if he’d only be bright enough to go to Snape.

*I don’t get why there’s all this talk about cowardice and daylight. They were subduing Hagrid, Minerva ran up to stop them and everybody turned around and stunned her (sort of like will happen to bad students at the end of this book). Why wouldn’t they have done it by daylight? Shouldn’t they be given bravery points for not being afraid of the dark? And what were they supposedly afraid of? Oh, I guess just her Gryffindor charisma that cows lesser folk into submission.

*Of course, Montague was attacked by two people, but at least it was during the day!

*’Sfunny all the kids are talking about how it’s unlikely Voldemort could have gotten Sirius into the DoM (by which I mean Hermione is saying it because she’s always right) and nobody suggests an alternate response besides "we have to go there ourselves and...do something."

*Why does Hermione say neither Ron or Harry are making sense with their theories of why Voldemort would want to use Sirius to get the "weapon?" They may not be correct, but I don’t see what about Ron’s theory doesn’t make sense. Sirius’s being a Pureblood and his brother being a DE and his family being very pro-Voldemort certainly could have had some connection. Harry’s at the Dursleys possibly because of his blood, why couldn’t Sirius’s blood be important?

*And now I’m all interested in the possible story where Ron was right, because I prefer it to the one we get.

*Hermione needs proof before she dare accuse Voldemort of hurting Sirius. Hermione’s like that. Sometimes. As the plot dictates.

*Hermione suggests Harry may just have a "saving people" thing. No wonder they get along so well. Saved all those other species single-handedly yet, Hermione?

*Harry’s logic continues to astound: Voldemort’s got Sirius and no one else knows. That means only he can save him. Um, no. It means you really ought to tell somebody else. If you’re going to break out of Hogwarts, for instance, maybe you should break out and contact Arthur Weasley? Amelia Bones?

*Isn’t it funny how Hermione is absolutely petrified of sounding like she’s criticizing Harry? She’s almost like any random Slytherin in many a fanfic dealing with Fanon!Draco who rules the house with an iron fist.

*Still, with all her criticism she doesn’t suggest, like, an alternate response to the crisis. It’s let’s all go get Voldemort or nothing!

*Note that Harry is still embarrassed about his "blunder" of saving everybody in the Triwizard tournament, like he doesn’t realize it’s just a sign of his heroic nature. And apparently doesn't remember he got rewarded for it.

*Funny, too, how Hermione has forgotten about Snape since Hermione’s the one who thinks he’s trustworthy. And when she’s scolding Harry about Occlumency too...

*Oh no, here comes Ginny to "coolly" tells Harry there’s "no need to take that tone with her" when she’s only trying to help. See how cool Ginny is? Here she's showing how she's probably the only girl who can talk to him like an equal and will be a great wife.

*Hermione’s really terrified, you guys. Because she’s actually a very soft character.

*Luna is getting ignored. Just thought I’d mention.

*Hermione says "some Slytherin" is bound to tip Umbridge off if they see what they’re doing. All the Slytherins are against the other students, not just those few keeping the nice ones in check through fear. Some Slytherin--they're all the same.

*We’re now talking about Occlumency, the Order, Sirius and Slytherins, and Hermione has yet to remember Snape. La la la... Why not throw in a few throwaway references to greasy hair and big noses that don't ping anything either? (Note I'm not even mentioning Sirius' present, the one's Harry's got for emergencies.)

*Fred and George were planning to set of garroting gas—neat. And it’s apparently fatal. Damn that Umbridge, ruining that joke!

*Hermione is not so upset about things that she doesn’t take a moment to appreciate how quickly Ginny comes up with a great lie. GO GINNY!!

*The broom really is under strict guard in the dungeons. Perhaps being shaved a little each day and made to watch while the splinters are fed to termites. Mwahahaha!

*GO MILLICENT!

*I assume Millicent is here instead of Pansy because it’s always funnier to use Millicent’s size to have her overpower Hermione, but I love the idea of Draco and Millicent working in tandem.

*Malfoy displays new talent by being able to laugh loudly and sycophantically at the same time. I hope that’s in the script for OotP. (*Pictures Tom Felton practicing in front of the mirror*)

*Malfoy and the other Slytherins laugh at McGonnagall being injured, another thing usually brought up to show just how heartless they are. As opposed to the type of people who set off deadly gas a joke. If only it were Filch or Montague.

*It’s quite nice of Crabbe to drag Neville in so he can finish his story arc for this book. Oops, I mean because he valiantly protected Ginny. Not that she needs protecting because nobody stands a chance against her.

*Now Harry remembers Snape, though he’ll still make him an enemy again for being smart enough to not enter the room screaming curses at Umbridge and declaring Harry’s innocence which in this universe is sometimes as bad as being on the other side.

*Heh—I forgot Umbridge put Snape on probation. I guess I forgot since Snape’s the only person who reacts normally about it. He doesn’t break down in tears or pull out a bottle of whiskey and start drinking. He bows ironically and leaves.

*"Sir?"
"Yes, Draco?"
"Could you teach me to bow ironically? Mine keep coming out all sarcastic."

*Snape notices Neville is being hurt and puts a stop to it. That’s Snape who puts a stop to it and Neville who was getting hurt. And a Slytherin who was hurting him.

*Snape’s line to Crabbe about job recommendations is so funny. Why do people wonder why people write about Slytherins? They have great senses of humor when they’re not having to look bad. And they all seem to develop this great sense of humor in adulthood after being humorously retarded throughout adolescence, so Fanon!Draco is totally within reason!

ETA: Guess Crabbe won't be needing any job recommendations after all. Luckily, since Snape won't be around to give them.

*Umbridge looks like she’s talking herself into something—her Crucio in the name of Ministry security. She is so totally Hermione. Seriously. She’s nervous, says she doesn’t want to do it, but ‘sometimes circumstances justify the use...’ Ah, she’s hit upon that lovely justification. Now she’s just excited to try it. ETA: Unlike Harry, in whom justification and badass use of Crucio just come together naturally in the moment.

*Trickiest sentence in the book: "Malfoy was watching her with a hungry expression on his face." Tricky because it’s in response to Umbridge’s ‘sometimes circumstances justify the use..." Yet somehow that sentence always jumps ahead to become a response to, ‘The Cruciatius Curse should loosen your tongue’ in fandom memory. The different placement changes it significantly.

*Surely I’m not the only one who can easily imagine Hermione being discovered with a freezer full of bodies as an adult and explaining that ‘somebody had to act.’

*Umbridge calls Hermione "Little Miss Question All." Dumbledore would be amused if he could hear that. She never questions him.

*When Hermione warns Umbridge that Fudge wouldn’t want her to break the law, doesn’t it seem like she might be talking to herself? I mean, that Hermione could so easily be in Umbridge’s place and the best way to talk her down is to tell her Dumbledore wouldn’t want her to break the law?

*Everyone is looking at Hermione shocked, because they’ve all fallen for her clever clever plan too! Why, what could Hermione be doing?! She must be betraying us to Umbridge! I hope she doesn’t break out in boils!

*Everyone is practically gaping at Hermione’s telling Umbridge Harry was trying to talk to Dumbledore. OMG, what could she be doing?! This reminds me of that awful movie Shining Through where Melanie Griffith plays the Worst Spy Ever and yet all the Nazis obligingly fall for her anyway. And her boss, Michael Douglas, is supposed to the absolute best spy ever, except for the tiny problem of his not understanding any language but English despite years of trying. So when somebody asks him if he wants coffee with his strudel he has to kill them.

*Luckily Umbridge and her ‘minions’ (yes, they’re actually called that!) are stupid enough to fall for Hermione's performance. Hermione is pretending to choke and sob but isn’t crying. She has to broadcast that she's being manipulative so that Harry doesn't kill her in a righteous rage and confusion.

*Malfoy, too, broadcasts his expression of greed and can’t conceal it fast enough. More interestingly, though, is that Umbridge is clearly suspicious of him anyway. When Hermione says there’s a weapon to be used, Umbridge’s eyes rest on Malfoy, like he’s obviously the one who would. She seems to see Malfoy as the enemy, though this probably doesn’t indicate that Malfoy isn’t loyal to her so much as that Malfoy is awful and backstabbing even to those he is loyal to.

*Anybody else here unsurprised that the plucky Gryffindors made quick work of the Slytherins, some of whom don’t even have names? At least we know they're not all Malfoy's gang if there are nameless sixth years there. Presumably just enough to make them cowards for outnumbering the Gryffindors, but not too many they can't be knocked down like bowling pins when necessary.



Exploitation Filmmakers’ Credo (n): "Come on, these dummies can’t remember what they saw five minutes ago!"
Haven’t we gone through this Snape thing before?

IITS
Okay, I can see why Harry doesn’t think of Snape, but why doesn’t Hermione?

Idiot Picture
Good to know when something’s really at stake villains will fall for someone saying "Boo-hoo!" with her hands over her eyes and not actually crying. And also everything else everybody does in this chapter.

Informed Attributes
Any ideas Ron comes up with for what might be going on are dumb and make no sense, even if they’re not. Nothing makes sense unless Hermione thinks of it.

James Bond Exposition Rule
Did I tell you about how I sent those Dementors to your house? I’ve been smart enough to not mention it before, but clearly the time has come as I’m about to moiderize ya.

Misdirected Answering
Thank you for explaining how it’s unlikely Sirius could have left the house and he and Voldemort could have gotten into the DoM (except later both of them will show up at the DoM), but what I’m wondering is why you’re not considering alerting oh, say, Ron’s parents instead of handling it yourself.

One Radio Rule
And it’s back to Umbridge’s office we go! Which is now more highly guarded, thanks in part of Harry.

POV Shots
Don’t you be tellin’ Harry about his pov shots, Hermione. POV shots can not be questioned!

Whooshing Powder
For fire talking.

Final score: 9