deathtocapslock | The Deathly Hallows

The Wedding

Finally we have the much-anticipated wedding between Bill Weasley and Fleur Delacour. It’s a happy occasion and I shouldn’t spoil it by being picky. I’m determined to stop worrying about the plot and just enjoy the festivities.

Unfortunately, my enjoyment is brought up short in the first paragraph when we are blithely told that Harry has been disguised with polyjuice and a few hairs from a local muggle boy stolen by Fred using a summoning charm.

This is purely personal and subjective. I once wrote an extremely AU fic (and no, you can’t read it), in which Draco, desparate for a disguise proposes taking hairs from a random muggle and nearly gets reamed for it by a horrified Snape, who tells him, in no uncertain terms, that you do NOT use muggles like that. He also points out that, were things to go wrong, the boy might be targeted for revenge, while being both ignorant of the danger and defenseless against magic. Of course, JKR is not obligated to follow my AU rules of magic. But I’m still appalled that hairs were stolen from a muggle.

It’s more appalling when you consider that later in the book Hermione will disguise Ron nicely, thank you very much, through ordinary human transfiguration. So, Fred’s stealing hairs from a muggle is not only invasive, unprincipled, and illegal, but completely unnecessary.

Moving on. The detail about the waiters and musicians is fun. But I can’t help thinking that it must really suck to be one of those waiters. I mean, what’s the use of doing magic if you’re still stuck carrying around trays of appetizers and drinks? I guess the catering company can’t use elves? So, are the waiters squibs, maybe? Otherwise, why don’t they just magic the trays to float around?

The colors for the wedding are purple, gold, and white. So we are continuing with the purple and gold motif from the last chapter.

We are also continuing the “discomfort” theme. The identity stolen for Harry is slightly fatter than Harry is, and his dress robes are tight and hot. Really. His robes are tight and hot. Isn’t the whole point of robes that they are drapey and loose?

Fred is also hot and uncomfortable. He foreshadows his own death (again) by declaring that his wedding will be much less formal. As they read this for the second time, a hundred million Fred fangirls sob uncontrollably.

George notes that Mrs. Weasley wasn’t as overbearing this morning as she had been. “Cried a bit about Percy not being here, but who wants him?” I’m in awe of George’s managing to blame Percy for ruining the event while simultaneously declaring how unwelcome he would be if he showed up.

As Fred proves his sexual prowess by attracting Veela cousins without falling under their spell, Harry is approached by Tonks and Lupin. Tonks explains their swift exit the night before by telling Harry that the Ministry is very anti-werewolf at the moment.

“It’s fine, I understand,” Harry reassures Lupin. But Lupin still looks unhappy. Harry is puzzled. Why would Lupin be unhappy? Harry’s forgiven him! The mystery deepens…. The Mystery of the Bummed-Out Werewolf.

In the background, Hagrid sits down in the wrong place and smashes an entire row of fragile golden chairs. It’s a pity that Voldemort didn’t put one of his Horcruxes there. That would have made the quest a lot easier.

Actually, the Trio should have brought Hagrid along with them. Then, whenever they found a Horcrux, they could get Hagrid drunk and let him sit on it.

Xenophilius Lovegood arrives. His robes are an eye-watering shade of egg-yolk yellow. He’s also wearing the Deathly Hallows symbol, but I almost miss it, trying to imagine the exact shade JKR is describing. I don’t usually cry into my eggs, myself, so I find the description confusing.

We get a fair amount of nonsense about the gnomes from Xenophilius before Luna makes her appearance. I suppose that Luna has the delayed entrance in order not to compete with her father, but it’s a strange parallel to the later chapter when the Trio come to visit the Lovegoods and Luna is again MIA.

When Luna shows up, she immediately recognizes Harry through his disguise. A million Harry/Luna (Larry? Huna?) shippers rejoice at this confirmation of their soulmate relationship.

By the way, if anyone cares to do a three-way ship of Harry, Luna, and Charity Burbage, I think Hilarity would be a terrific name for it.

Luna continues telling Harry about her father’s “research” in Gernumbli (gnomish) magic. Ron finds this preposterous, but Harry “had long ago decided not to challenge Luna or her father’s peculiar views.” His Mighty Fist of Integrity thus stays firmly unraised.

By the way, while Xenophilius’s yellow robes are “eye-watering,” Luna’s are “quite pleasant.” This is the clearest illustration of Harry’s filter that I’ve seen. If he likes you, your robes are pleasant. If you haven’t saved his ass by following him to London on a suicide mission, your robes cause headaches and eyestrain.

Next arrival is Aunt Muriel, who livens things up by being the wizarding equivalent of Aunt Marge. Unlike Marge, she wasn’t blown up during a special occasion. She was only subjected to an exploding dung bomb under her chair, courtesy of Fred and George.

Hermione arrives in an actual dress (unlike the robes she wore in GoF) and engages in scintillating romantic banter with Ron. Did I say scintillating? I meant lame.

While the Trio and the Twins laugh about Ron’s Uncle Billius pulling flowers out of his ass, Viktor Krum shows up to make Ron jealous by complimenting Hermione.

Oh, Viktor! Let me take a moment to mourn the potential of your character. The champion of Durmstrang, the prodigy who played in the Quiddich World Cup—one of the students Dumbledore reached out a hand of friendship to. What we dreamed you might contribute to the final conflict! And yet… like so many other characters, your role in the drama is to drop some useless bit of information and then fade away.

Krum’s entrance does cause a stir among the Veela cousins. But he’ll later complain that no pretty girls are interested in him. I guess Veelas don’t cut it.

Fleur arrives, her radiance so strong that it beautifies everything it touches. I refrain from the snark for a moment. I like Fleur and it’s her wedding day.

Fleur and Bill are married by the same tufty-haired wizard who gave Dumbledore’s eulogy. This wizard has no name, neither here nor in HBP. Apparently he is even more fearsome than Lord Voldemort. Also, although he is the closest thing we have to an organized religious figure, he has no specific sect.

Aunt Muriel lets us know that Ginny is wearing a low-cut dress as a bridesmaid because Harry would never notice that sort of thing. Never. He’s too busy being emo over the memories of their few weeks together in someone else’s life.

But it’s important that Harry have this emo moment in order to fulfill the prophecy. If he simply enjoyed the ceremony, he would be living while the other survived.

After the final words of the ceremony, the Priest-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named turns into a caterer, transforming the space into a dance area.

Luna entertains Ron by doing wacky things like sitting at a table, giving Bill and Fleur a wedding present, and dancing by herself. What a loon she is! No normal person would do those things!

Krum replaces Luna at the table and does three important things: He chases away Ron and Hermione, informs Harry that Xenophilius is wearing “Grindelwald’s symbol,” and reminds Harry who Gregorovitch is. Oh, he does one other thing. He reminds us that Ginny is attractive by getting annoyed when Harry mentions that she’s taken.

Although the waiters are needed to carry about the trays of pumpkin juice, butterbeer, and firewhiskey, the champagne bottles float by themselves. Is that because champagne is effervescent?

Harry, remembering the lesson of obtaining Slughorn’s memory, drinks champagne with Elphias Doge and asks about Dumbledore. Elphias Doge urges Harry not to worry that Dumbledore was involved with the Dark Arts, but to remember him as a good man. Harry is frustrated at this attitude. He wants the truth. I’ll bet his Mighty Fist of Integrity is twitching even as he listens.

Aunt Muriel joins the conversation and drops the rumor that Dumbledore “did away” with his Squib sister. Harry feels an icy chill at this news. It’s a bit unclear whether Harry is horrified at the “doing away” part or the Squib part. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and conclude it’s the doing away part, but it doesn’t help when Harry asks, “What do you mean? Who said his sister was a Squib?” and then remarks, “He never told me that his sister was a Squib.”

But he did tell you that he had a scar on his knee that looked like a map of the London Underground, Harry. Remember the good things!

Aunt Muriel says that half of “us” (the wizarding world?) never even knew about Ariana until her coffin was carried out of the Dumbledore house. That must have been the half of the wizarding world that didn’t follow the sensational trial of Dumbledore’s father for hexing the muggle boys who attacked her.

Muriel claims (with absolutely no substantiating evidence) that Ariana was kept locked in a cellar by Kendra. Aunt Muriel attributes this to the attitude “in our day” of shame about producing a Squib child. They were usually shipped off to muggle schools, she tells Harry. So… what is different today in the wizarding world, I wonder. Are Squibs now treated better? It’s hard to say since the only Squib we know about is about a hundred years old.

Harry is numbly miserable, wondering if Ariana was treated like himself (in reverse). Did Dumbledore, he wonders, leave his sister in such a terrible situation while he went blithely off to Hogwarts to be brilliant and adored? Harry, Harry, Harry… you don’t need to spend your energy worrying whether or not Dumbledore did that to his sister. He did that to you.

Harry is further astounded to learn that Rita Skeeter’s source of information was likely Bathilda Bagshot. The name was printed on the front of one of Harry’s textbooks, though admittedly, not one of the ones he had read most attentively. Or at all.

The kicker to all this information is that Dumbledore’s family lived in Godric’s Hollow. If Harry was upset about Dumbledore ignoring the abuse towards his sister, that was nothing compared to what he feels now. Dumbledore lived in the same town his parents were killed in! Yet he said nothing about that to Harry! Nothing!

Just when you think things couldn’t get worse—what could be worse than the revelation that Dumbledore once lived in Godric’s Hollow!?—Kingsley Shacklebolt’s patronus arrives to let us know that the Ministry has fallen and Lord Voldemort now rules England. Given what we’ve just learned (plus the news that Viktor Krum and Xenophilius Lovegood were seen arguing!), it’s a bit of an anti-climax.

Fan Service:
Finally! The alchemically dictated wedding takes place!
Viktor Krum returns! It’s the reunioin of the Tri-Wizard Champions!
Fans are getting Dumbledore’s backstory in spades!
Veelas! Can’t get enough Veelas!

Fan Slappage:
There is no handfasting ritual during the wedding ceremony, unlike every fanfic ever written.
Viktor is not only useless, he is sporting a stupid little beard as well.
We can’t even get through a wedding without having to hear more about Dumbledore’s stupid backstory.

DVD Extras:
INT. DAY – THE WEASLEY-DELACOUR WEDDING TENT

Harry holds a bottle of butterbeer by the neck as he listens to AUNT MURIEL. ELPHIAS DOGE looks on, his fingers twiddling miserably.

AUNT MURIEL
Oh, there are ways of bringing back memories, and I’m sure Rita Skeeter knows them all. But even if Bathilda’s completely cuckoo, I’m sure she’d still have old photographs, maybe even letters. She knew the Dumbledores for years…. Well worth a trip to Godric’s Hollow, I’d have thought.

Harry chokes back a sip of butterbeer. The camera closes in on his face, moving closer and closer to one horrified eye, until, with a whoosh, we move into Harry’s eye and thus into his thoughts.

Fade to:

EXT. NIGHT – HORCRUX ISLAND

Harry and Dumbledore huddle tensely over a basin, which is filled with an eerie green liquid. Light from a mysterious source reflects on the liquid, weaving strange green shadows on their faces.

Dumbledore mutters quiet magic spells as he slowly waves his wand over the basin.

HARRY
Er… Headmaster?

DUMBLEDORE
Yes? What is it, Harry?

HARRY
I was just wondering, sir…

DUMBLEDORE
About how I’m discovering the properties of this dangerous magical potion?

HARRY
No, sir. It’s about your childhood.

DUMBLEDORE
Oh? What did you want to know?

HARRY
Well, I was wondering where you lived.

DUMBLEDORE
The answer to that is easy, Harry. I’m sure your enterprising friend, Miss Granger, could discover it in a trice through research.

HARRY
Yes, but couldn’t you simply tell me?

DUMBLEDORE
Certainly. I grew up in Godric’s Hollow.

HARRY
Godric’s Hollow. Where have I heard that before?

DUMBLEDORE
It’s where your parents died, Harry.

HARRY
Oh yeah.

DUMBLEDORE
Did you have any other questions?

HARRY
(furrowing his brow) Not really.

DUMBLEDORE
(gently) Shall we get back, then, to trying to defeat the greatest evil ever faced by the wizarding world?

HARRY
Whatever you say, sir.

PULL BACK to Harry’s face, lost in reverie as Aunt Muriel drones on.

AUNT MURIEL
…and then, apparently, Dumbledore had this mad love affair with Gellert Grindelwald, which is why he took five years to duel him! The story is that Grindelwald and Dumbledore were planning to seek the Deathly Hollows, which, as everyone knows, are these three magical artifacts that when owned by a single person would make that person the Master of Death…

FADE OUT.