deathtocapslock | Deathly Hallows Chapter 13 (Reply)

Here's this week's installment:

The Muggle-Born Registration Commission

The careful, I mean stupid plan of the Trio to infiltrate the Ministry of Magic begins to fall apart as this chapter starts. Umbridge immediately snags Hermione/Mafalda to help with interrogations of Muggle-Borns. The Trio are now separated. Which is why it would have been better to send in one person in the first place.

Pius Thicknesse is described as looking like a crab peering out from beneath a rock. I’m struck by this, since Scrimgeour was described as looking like a lion. If you’re looking for astrological symbolism, then we might be moving backwards through the signs. Which would make Fudge a Virgo. But he seems more like a Libra to me—since his main character trait is indecision. And there’s no way that Kingsley Shacklebolt represents Gemini. Darn! Another completely random theory blasted!

Harry’s Imperidar does not work with Thicknesse. He notices no glazed look, even though we were told that the Death Eaters Imperiused the Minister of Magic.

Oddly, even though he is talking to the Minister of Magic, Harry isn’t compelled to start demanding that anyone be released or that Umbridge be fired. Maybe that dislike of Scrimgeour was purely personal.

Or maybe it’s the polyjuice. Harry, as we are will be reminded throughout this chapter (until we aren’t), is Albert Runcorn. Tall, buff, and with the reputation of being a Death Eater bully.

Which brings me to a thought I had reading this book for the first time. It’s a bit subtle, but I think there is a thematic reason for Harry taking on this identity. It’s a way for Harry to experience the kind of line that Snape walks all the time—where he is perceived as evil, and where any attempt to save others is extremely dangerous.

In his invisibility cloak, Harry searches for Umbridge’s office. With every moment, the complexity and impenetrability of the Ministry forces itself upon him. (Orwellian! Orwellian!) Yes, Harry. The Ministry is big and complicated. That’s why it would have been a good idea to get help from the one of the people who actually work there.

Harry realizes now that the plan he and the others were working on for four weeks is “laughably childish.” I don’t think JKR can blame readers for finding her plot stupid when the main character keeps coming out and declaring that it’s stupid himself.

And, by the way, this isn’t the first time they did this exact thing. They went to the Ministry in OotP with no exit plan, either. The difference was that in OotP, it took them about five minutes to come up with the plan to get in, and this time it took four weeks.

Hehe. Harry even takes the time to note that his whole purpose in coming to the Ministry (to find Umbridge) is screwed up, because he’s on Level One and she’s down in the ninth circle of Hell or whatever.

But he decides to go search her office. Even though he realizes that nobody in the right minds would be storing valuable jewelry in an office, where anyone could wander in and steal it.

But what the hell. How else is Harry going to see the Orwellian nightmare of… pamphlet making!

Yes, apparently one of Umbridge’s duties is to oversee the creation of anti-Muggle-Born propaganda. Harry comes upon an office pool of workers, all using their wands in complicated twiddling patterns to fold bits of pink paper into pamphlets. I can’t quite figure out if they are merely folding the paper, or “printing” them. But, since we know later on that there are printing presses in the WW, it seems silly to use manual labor. Then again, it’s more Orwellian, isn’t it?

Harry sneaks a pamphlet to look at it. There is no author’s name on the piece, but Harry’s MFI starts to tingle. I swear, Harry must be Umbridge’s Horcrux, as well as Voldemort’s.

Harry discovers that Moody’s eye is stuck in the door to Umbridge’s office and rage rears in him “like a snake.” Is that snake in his chest? If so, things must be getting pretty crowded in there.

Harry uses a Decoy Detonator to distract the pamphlet makers and steps into Umbridge’s office. He finds a telescope stuck into the door so that Umbridge can watch her workers through Moody’s magical eye. I’m not sure why she couldn’t simply use the telescope without the eye.

I’m also wondering if Dumbledore had a similar arrangement at the Dursley house in order to keep an eye on Harry, as he told Harry he had watched him more closely than Harry realized. Well, maybe Dumbledore just used a nanny-cam or something.

Anyway, Harry takes Moody’s eye. He doesn’t seem to replace the telescope, which would have been a good idea, I think. An even better idea would have been to transfigure something to look like the eye and replace it. But Hermione hasn’t shown Harry how to do that sort of thing yet.

Umbridge is so gosh-darned evil that even her paperclips are evil. They coil out, snakelike, from their drawer as Harry searches it and have to be beaten back. Now, why the heck would anyone have paperclips that do that? Maybe it was someone’s idea of a prank?

Harry also finds a file on Artur Weasley that indicates his surrogate father is being tracked and may be in some danger. That’s disturbing for Harry, but not nearly as disturbing as finding out that he has a new nickname: Undesirable No. 1.

Hehe. Harry is worse than Voldemort now!

I wonder. Is there any pretense left about hunting Voldemort? Did the Wizarding World just forget about him? I mean, he’s not the Minister of Magic. So… what is Voldemort in official terms now?

Oh wait, never mind about that. Harry sees Dumbledore’s picture! That’s more important! Although it turns out to be the cover of Skeeter’s biography, Harry initially thinks that Dumbledore is looking at him through a mirror.

Okay. The book is on a bookcase. There’s writing on Dumbledore’s hat and chest. But Harry’s first conclusion is that dead Dumbledore is staring at him out of a magical mirror. Occam’s Razor, Harry. Look it up.

Harry opens that book to a photograph of Dumbledore having sex, I mean, laughing immoderately with a blond, curly-haired boy with a gleeful, wild look. Heh. Sounds like Sirius Black with a dye job. Despite the fact that this boy is the second most notorious wizard of the twentieth century, Harry has no idea who it might be—and he’s interrupted by Thicknesse before he can read the caption on the photo. Because there's a lot of hard words in that caption, you know.

Harry escapes through the now open door and reviews his progress so far. It’s pretty much bumpkiss, and there’s no hope of accosting Umbridge when she’s in a crowded place. See, one would have hoped he’d come to this conclusion during that four weeks of planning.

By sheer luck, Harry runs into Ron in the lift. By sheer ineptitude, Ron has already forgotten what Harry looks like.

Mr. Weasley then comes into the lift. Harry is weirded out by Arthur glaring at him. He’s even more disconcerted when Arthur blames him for targeting Dirk Cresswell. (See? I told you he’d come up again!) And then Arthur takes Harry’s attempt to warn him about being watched as a threat, leaving Harry very shaken.

Welcome to Snape’s world, Harry. He gets glared at all the time by people he’s trying to help and his motives are always taken for the worst.

Now looking for Hermione, Harry descends into the lower depths of the Orwellian nightmare Ministry. The halls are thick with Dementors, and the Muggle-Borns awaiting questioning have no wands to protect themselves.

This section is actually pretty good. The description of the hallway is quite horrifying. So is the interview of Mary Cattermole.

Harry is naturally pissed off by the whole evil interrogation, but you know what really gets him angry? When Umbridge lies and says the locket is a family heirloom. What is it about Harry and people using the possessions he throws out that causes this type of rage? Could it have something to do with the fact that his parents left him a vault full of gold and absolutely nothing of sentimental value?

Anyway, Harry’s rage causes him to do yet another stupid thing. He stuns Umbridge, which causes her cat Patronus to disappear, leaving all of them vulnerable to the Dementors.

Mary Cattermole nearly gets soul-sucked before Harry casts his own, distinctive stag Patronus to prevent it.

Then, of course, Harry stupidly refers to “Mafalda” as “Hermione.” Way to keep under cover, Harry.

Meanwhile, Hermione is frantically trying to transfigure a replacement for the locket, under the impression that, somehow, it’s going to make a difference if Umbridge never realizes her locket is gone. Do they think that Umbridge would raise a stink about it and that it would get back to Voldemort and he’d realize it was his Horcrux? How likely does that really sound?

See—I think it would be more important to say, not start calling each other “Harry” and “Hermione.” If Umbridge discovers her locket gone, there’s a whole Ministry of people who could have taken it. And it’s not like the real Mafalda would know anything about it.

Unsurprisingly, Hermione knows how to release Mary Cattermole from the restraining chair and Harry does not.

But that’s okay, because Hermione can’t conjure a Patronus as well as Harry can. That’s the difference between an E and an O on your O.W.L., baby!

Come to think of it, Harry’s just lucky that releasing people from chains wasn’t one of the practical tests during the O.W.L.s.

But, using their Patroni to keep back the Dementors, Harry and Hermione proceed to liberate all the waiting Muggle-Borns. As they do so, Harry starts to realize that showing up in the lobby of the Ministry with twenty accused Muggle-Borns and two Patroni is going to be a bit of a giveaway. That’s right, Harry. Tell us again how stupid this is.

Ron arrives to provide comic relief by looking like Mary’s husband and being wet.

Ron tells Harry that someone discovered the hole in Umbridge’s door and they have about five minutes to get out of the Ministry. This is why it might have been a good idea to put that telescope back. And, if possible, stick a ping-pong ball in the hole.

Harry has the sense to pair up people with wands with those without (presumably to Apparate away). He does not have the sense to tell people what they should do with their wands.

I wonder why half of the Muggle-Borns were allowed to have their wands when half of them had their wands confiscated at the front desk. Was it perhaps to make this next part seem not quite so idiotic? Whatever.

They all arrive in the Atrium to find wizards sealing off the fireplaces.

Harry comes up with the brilliant idea to use his Runcorn identity to bully the wizards into letting the Muggle-Borns leave. He even mentions how he “examined” Dirk Cresswell’s family tree and threatens to do so with any wizard who challenges him. Hmm, using one’s misdeeds to bluster through a sticky situation? Again, welcome to Snape’s world.

Oh, and it’s complete with an impressively deep voice. If Alan Rickman weren’t already playing Snape in the movies, he’d have been a shoo-in for the part of Runcorn.

At this moment, both the real Reg Cattermole and Yaxley (who was in the room with Umbridge) appear, causing mass confusion. Harry tries to divert suspicion onto a “balding wizard” by punching him in the nose (sending him “flying through the air”) and accusing him of helping Muggle-Borns escape.

Ron having grabbed Mary Cattermole and pulled her into a fireplace, Harry does the same to Hermione. They come up into the bathroom to find Ron wrestling with Mary. Because that’s funny.

Yaxley immediately follows Harry and Hermione. Harry Apparates the Trio out of the bathroom and they land on the front steps of Grimauld Place, but Hermione immediately Apparates them away, ending the chapter on another cliffhanger.

I have to confess that this last part of the chapter left me hideously confused the first two or three times I read it. For one thing, I couldn’t figure out who it was that Harry punched. And for another thing, it seemed like they left Mary back in the bathroom with Yaxley. Which would mean that she’d be immediately recaptured. Nor did I catch the part where the Muggle-Borns actually get out of the Atrium before Yaxley shows up.

Reading it carefully, I do see that many of the Muggle-Borns were able to get away. And, since Yaxley latched onto Hermione, there's at least some hope that Mary could get away.

Not that she had a wand or anything to Apparate with.

Fan Service:
Lots of lovely Ministry details to add to what we already know.
The return of Umbridge’s kitten plates!

Fan Slappage:
In the brief glimpse we get of him, Percy does not appear to be a secret spy.
Nothing that bad happens to Umbridge. Unless maybe her soul was sucked out when they left her stunned in the interrogation room with four rampaging Dementors.

DVD Extras:
INT: DAY – LONDON PUBLIC TOILET

HARRY
LET’S GO!

He grabs onto Ron and Hermione and they Apparate. At the last moment, Yaxley grabs Hermione’s elbow and disappears as well.

MARY CATTERMOLE, left in the sudden silence of the bathroom, clutches onto the sink behind her to calm her panic.

With a FLUSHING SOUND, REG CATTERMOLE appears in a nearby stall. He stares at his wife.

REG
What happened?

He rushes over to embrace her.

MARY
I’m… I’m not sure. But it’s not safe.

There are more FLUSHING SOUNDS and three Ministry Aurors emerge from the stalls, their wands out. Reg turns, sheltering Mary with outstretched arms.

REG
What do you want?

AUROR
Come along quietly. You won’t get hurt.

REG
I’m not going any---

He’s interrupted by three echoing gunshots. BANG! BANG! BANG!

The three Aurors, looking very surprised, drop to the floor, bleeding.

REG
What?

He turns to his wife, who is holding a smoking gun in one hand and her handbag in the other.

REG (cont’d)
What the hell is that thing?

MARY
(calmly reloading)
It’s called an automatic, dear. Do you have your wand?

REG
Yes.

MARY
Listen carefully. I want you to go get the kids. Meet me at the train station.

REG
Where are we going?

MARY
We’re going to live in my world for a while.

FADE OUT.

Hey, if you haven't seen A Very Potter Musical, check it out. It's really funny.