deathtocapslock | Deathly Hallows Chapter 31 (Reply)

The Battle of Hogwarts

We start this chapter in the Great Hall of Hogwarts, with the enchanted ceiling stars shining down on the sleepy and disheveled students—all standing at their tables. Sorted into their Houses.

For some reason, this image reminds me of the moment in The Final Battle, where all the stars fall from the heavens and all the creatures of Narnia are sorted into the saved and damned. Well, it ought to, because that’s exactly what’s going on here.

McGonagall informs the students that they are to be evacuated and that Angus Filch and Madam Pomfrey will oversee their departure. From reading dozens of fanfics that pre-imagined the Battle of Hogwarts (we all knew it was coming), I’m astounded that Pomfrey is being wasted on herding students out of the building. Why isn’t she in the Hospital Wing, prepping for casualties?

Ernie Macmillan, representing Hufflepuff interrupts to ask what about the students who want to stay and fight? A Ravenclaw girl (identified only as “a girl at the Ravenclaw table” asks about their things. Will they be able to take them? A “girl from the Slytherin table” asks what happened to Professor Snape.

So, this shows us the priorities of the various Houses. The Hufflepuffs are worried about the school. The Ravenclaws are worried about logistics. The Slytherins are worried about Snape.

By the way, McGonagall informs the students that Snape has “done a bunk.” As a Snape-fan, I am insulted by that terminology. He didn’t do a bunk. He was chased out by his staff who conveniently forgot how he’s been protecting them all year. Oh, and unsurprisingly, the non-Slytherin students send up a great cheer at the news.

Harry moves along the Gryffindor table, looking for Ron and Hermione. After spending the last three or four chapters under his Invisibility Cloak, I wonder why Harry doesn’t have it on now.

I’m also wondering why he’s looking for Ron and Hermione instead of that Lost Diadem. Because right now the entire castle is evacuating so that he can do that.

The evacuation is interrupted now by Voldemort’s voice coming from all directions. If they will give him Harry Potter, he will leave the school untouched. They have until midnight.

At this point, Pansy Parkinson damns all of Slytherin by pointing at Harry and shouting out, “But he’s there! Potter’s there! Someone grab him!”

A careful reading of the text shows that the Gryffindors all stand at this moment, facing the Slytherins. Then the Hufflepuffs stand, followed quickly by the Ravenclaws, and all of them draw their wands on the Slytherins. Harry is just amazed by this show of support from three quarters of the schools against… that one girl that stood up and pointed at him.

McGonagall tells Pansy and the rest of the Slytherins to leave first. It is only after this that the Slytherin benches scrape with the sound of rising Slytherin students. I only mention all this because I have seen posts from readers who seem convinced that the Slytherins drew their wands first. It’s pretty clear that they didn’t.

And, as many readers have pointed out, any Slytherin student who might have wanted to fight against Voldemort got lumped in with Pansy and cast out of the castle. On the other hand, there isn’t the slightest indication that any of them wanted to stay and fight.

The Ravenclaws are ordered out next, but some of the older students stay to fight. Because, (unlike the Gryffindors), the Ravenclaws know how to count up to seventeen. Hufflepuff is the third House to go, but more Hufflepuffs stay behind. That’s because any epic battle needs red shirts.

Last to go are the Gryffindors, and of course, most of the older students stay to fight, and a few younger students have to be urged out by McGonagall.

Kingsley takes over the meeting to give out battle assignments, while McGonagall goes over to Harry and pointedly reminds him that he’s supposed to be looking for something.

Thank God. It’s been driving me crazy. It’s half an hour until Voldemort invades and Harry’s faffing around, staring at everything like some kind of yokel tourist.

There’s this book that E.M. Forster wrote about novels in which he describes cavemen sitting around the fire as the first writers told stories. All the listening cavemen (and women) would be rapt in attention, wondering what comes next? If the storyteller didn’t tell them that, they’d take their clubs and beat him/her to death.

Perhaps this helps explain why I’m tempted to strangle Harry at this point. Because all this activity? Not story. It’s set decoration. The story isn’t going to move forward until we find that Lost Diadem, no matter how many wands are drawn or people die in the meantime.

Harry has been distracted this whole time by Ron and Hermione’s absence. Without Ron and Hermione to help him he could not seem to marshal his ideas. Yes. It’s official. Without Ron and Hermione, Harry is literally incapable of thought.

But he makes a valiant effort. Screwing up his face and pressing his hands to his eyes, he manages to come up with a fact! Voldemort thought Harry would go to Ravenclaw tower! So, the missing artifact must be connected to Ravenclaw!

Yes, Harry. It’s the diadem. We’ve known that for two years now. And you’ve known it for two chapters at least. But… good start!

Harry then ponders how Voldemort could possibly have found the diadem, when it had been lost for centuries. No one in living memory knew where it was.

Mm. You’re getting colder, Harry. It doesn’t matter how Voldemort found it. He did. Now you need to find it. You know what it looks like and you know where people go to hide things in Hogwarts. You even saw it last year. So, you really don’t need any more information.

But Harry decides that he needs to find the Ravenclaw ghost, first.

So, he runs past the departing students, who are panicked and near to chaos. Zacharias Smith is pushing aside firsties on his way out the door. Man, that is not where I saw that character going after OotP. In that book, he was only one with the balls to question things. Maybe he was traumatized by getting hit with Ginny’s speeding broomstick. I’ll bet that’s it. He’s suffering from PTSS.

Harry finally finds Nearly Headless Nick and we find out that after six years in school, Harry doesn’t even know the Ravenclaw ghost by sight. Nick points her out and tells Harry that she’s known as the Grey Lady.

Readers now finally have the names of all four House ghosts. Nearly Headless Nick, the Bloody Baron, the Fat Friar, and the Grey Lady. How come Nick’s the only one with a name, instead of a title? Or maybe he does and we’ve just never heard it. The other Houses call him Clueless Cavalier.

Harry runs after her, even though she tries to avoid him by drifting through a solid wall. When he catches up to her, he decides that she looks “haughty and proud.” Doesn’t it seem like most adult women appear this way to Harry? Perhaps it’s something about him?

She tries to put him off, but Harry pushes her for information about the diadem. It’s about fighting Voldemort, damnit! So, she admits that she’s Helena Ravenclaw, daughter of Rowena and tells the tale of how she stole the diadem and fled to Albania. When her mother fell ill, she sent Helena’s former lover to find her. But when Helena refused to return, he became violent and stabbed her to death. Then he killed himself, becoming the Bloody Baron.

The diadem remained hidden in a hollow log in Albania until the Grey Lady told the story to a charming young student named Tom Riddle. So, that’s how Voldemort found the Lost Diadem and made it into a Horcrux.

Okay, it’s an interesting story, but you know what? Harry doesn’t actually need this information at all. It doesn’t matter how Voldemort found the diadem! All this does in practical terms is waste another twenty-five minutes while Harry gets the story and then figures out that Voldemort must have hid the diadem back at Hogwarts when he interviewed with Dumbledore for a job.

Well, duh. Of course he did. You knew that five chapters ago when he was listing his Horcruxes and decided to check the Hogwarts one last.

Would it make a difference if we hadn’t had two years to speculate about a hiding place in Hogwarts? Maybe we had two years, but Harry had nine months in a tent—all of which he spent discussing possible hiding places with Ron and Hermione, so I’m not inclined to cut him slack about this.

Anyway, before Harry can figure it out, Hagrid comes flying through a window. Oddly, he does not leave a Hagrid-shaped hole. Hagrid tells Harry that he heard Voldemort’s proclamation all the way up in the hills and came down to join in on the fun.

Hmm. So, Hagrid never got one of those fun fake galleons, and neither the Order of the Phoenix nor the staff of Hogwarts bothered to tell him what was going on. Guess we know how much confidence people have in him.

Hagrid asks Harry where Ron and Hermione are, reminding Harry that they are missing. So, instead of searching for the diadem, they go wandering aimlessly around, trying to find Ron and Hermione.

I find it somewhat interesting that Hagrid is panting in order to keep up with Harry as they rush down the corridors, since Hagrid’s legs are probably two or three feet longer than his.

They pass by a couple of stone gargoyles lying on the ground. (The “first casualties” of the battle.) One of the gargoyles will probably be played by Terry Jones or Michael Palin, since it calls out, “Oh, don’t mind me…. I’ll just lie here and crumble.”

This reminds Harry, by an association of ideas, of the marble bust he saw last year in the RoR wearing a tiara! Harry figures out that Voldemort is arrogant enough to think he was the only student to ever find the room, while Dumbledore and Flitwick were too perfect to ever need it.

I wonder what it was that Voldemort was hiding when he discovered the room.

Anyway, now that Harry has figured this out, it’s time for more distractions! Professor Sprout and Neville run by, their arms full of lethal plants. (Earth Power!) Actually, they are carrying Mandrakes (shout out to CoS), and wearing earmuffs. So, I figure those plants are probably going to take out some of the good guys as well as the Death Eaters.

Harry and Hagrid run past portraits, where the painted figures are going wild, screaming and running from picture to picture. Then an explosion shakes the castle and Hagrid goes running after a terrified Fang. Fine. Neither of them was doing anything useful anyway.

Harry runs along with Sir Cadogan for a bit, then comes upon Fred and some students guarding a secret passage. He passes a parliament of owls being hissed at Mrs. Norris, and then Aberforth appears to scold Harry about the number of students passing through his bar. Oh, and for not taking the Slytherin kids hostage.

“There are kids of Death Eaters you’ve just sent to safety. Wouldn’t it have been a bit smarter to keep ‘em here?”

Harry counters that Albus would never have done anything like that. He doesn’t mention that they don’t have the resources to spare to watch hostages in any case. He does note, correctly, that Voldemort wouldn’t care about hostages.

As Harry runs off, he emphasizes that point to himself. Dumbledore, who had sheltered Snape, would never have held kids for ransom. I wonder why JKR is drawing this connection. Is this ironic foreshadowing for later on when we discover that Dumbledore used Lily as a pseudo-hostage to force Snape into lifelong servitude?

Then Harry skids around a corner and sees Ron and Hermione with basilisk fangs and a broomstick. He feels mingled relief and fury—which always seems to be his attitude when seeing his best friends after any extended period of time. Abandonment issues much, Harry?

Eesh. No wonder it took Ron and Hermione so long to procreate. Harry was probably calling them every five minutes on the Floo after they got married to make sure they hadn’t forgotten him. It took them years before they could grab enough time to have sex.

Hermione “breathlessly” tells Harry that Ron had the “absolutely brilliant” idea to get basilisk fangs from the Chamber of Secrets. Moreover, he used his mimicry skills to open the Chamber with parseltongue! (What skills, you ask? Um… they’ve been there all along. Really. When Ron was so good at chess, he was really mimicking Bobby Fischer. Yeah… that’s the ticket.)

And for once, for once, Hermione and Harry are both genuinely and wholeheartedly impressed with Ron. I guess we fans should be happy that Ron finally gets some recognition. Even if it’s for a skill we never realized he had.

Another explosion shakes the castle, prodding Harry into telling Ron and Hermione about the last Horcrux and how he knows where it is and everything.

Wait a minute…. You mean that all this time, Harry’s been looking for Ron and Hermione and not the diadem? What the hell? People are dying, Harry! Why are you still wasting time?

So, now the Trio goes back to the RoR to find it occupied by Ginny, Tonks, and Augusta Longbottom. Remember that argument that ended with Ginny having to stay in the room? My guess is that was all in order to get this image of the three aspects to the Goddess: Maiden, Mother, and Crone. Okay. Fine. I get it.

I just don’t get why we have the Goddess showing up here. If this were Buffy, then I’d take it as a precursor to some major ass-kicking. But since it’s JKR, I’m figuring it’s something she read in a book once and decided would be a cool image, full of sass and symbolism and signifying nothing.

Having fulfilled their symbolic purpose, the women waste little time in making themselves scarce. Augusta toddles off to look for Neville. Tonks, wringing her hands in anguish, rushes off to die with Lupin.

How is it that Lupin must forgo the Horcrux hunt in order to stay with Tonks, but Tonks (and Lupin) can just leave a newborn baby to go get themselves killed? It’s like that wonky pro-life agenda where unborn children must be protected at all costs, but actual children can starve or go without healthcare. (I know, I know, not all pro-lifers are like that…)

Harry orders Ginny out of the room so they can change it into the lost items mode. But he reminds her sternly that she is to come back after he’s done with it. I imagine this is the same tone he’ll use seven years later when he informs her that their first-born son is not to be named Neville Michael Dean Potter.

So… apropos of nothing, Ron shouts out that they forgot the elves. Not, as Harry supposes, to have them fight, but to warn them. “We can’t order them to die for us,” Ron observes.

And suddenly, he’s assaulted by Hermione with a full-on kiss on the mouth. The kiss that Ron/Hermione shippers have been waiting for since she first told him he had dirt on his nose.

Again, I get it. JKR wanted their first kiss (that Harry witnesses anyway) to be BIG. But Oh. My. God. How lame is this? I mean, it’s pretty funny that Harry has to break them up—but people are dying, you self-absorbed jerks. They are dying because you all decided to stage the showiest sneak-in to Hogwarts imaginable and drew the Death Eaters down on innocent students with a vengeance.

Then you do everything but look for the Horcrux you were asked to find thirty-six chapters ago! As Harry says (and he’s really one to talk about wasting time), “D’you think you could just—just hold it in until we’ve got the diadem?”

By the way, I’m now imagining Ron with a full-on boner. Thanks for that, Harry.

And I haven’t even mentioned yet how Hermione is rewarding Ron for expressing the view towards elves that he’s had all along.

They pick up the fangs and go outside to find that the situation has deteriorated severely. There’s debris and dust everywhere and the lights of dueling wands is very close to the castle now. Great. Thanks for all the procrasination, Harry. Hogwarts appreciates it.

If Snape were there, he’d be deducting points right and left.

Ginny and Tonks are at a window firing down spells. Grawp is outside, swinging a stone gargoyle, prompting Ron to express the hope that he steps on some Death Eaters.

Either Ginny or Tonks responds: “As long as it’s not any of our lot!”

That should be emblazoned on the Gryffindor banner, I think.

Aberforth slopes by to comment on the battle. Tonks goes running after him, in the hopes she can find Lupin, who was last seen dueling Dolohov. Is this undying love or simply fear that he’s going to find and start snogging random Death Eaters? (Or Snape!)

Ginny is now defending her window alone and Harry tells her to stay safe while he, Ron, and Hermione change the RoR. Sigh. Is there any reason, if you’re so worried, Harry, that Ginny can’t simply come with you? What is your deal?

They get inside and Ron speaks for all readers when he asks why wouldn’t Voldemort realize that anyone could get in here? Harry explains it by saying Voldemort thought he was the only one. Yeah. That totally explains it.

When you think about it, it’s a miracle that no Ravenclaw ever found the diadem. In the years after Voldemort hid it, you’d think that some desperate student might have paced that corridor thinking, “I need that diadem! I need it to pass my O.W.L.s! Please, I need that diadem!”

Hermione tries to Accio the diadem, but that doesn’t work. Because… it doesn’t.

So, they split up to look for a stone bust of an old man wearing a tiara. Harry ventures deep into the labyrinth and finally sees the old cupboard in which he hid the Potions book. The Potions book! Forget about the tiara, Harry! Grab the book! Grab the book! That’s going to revolutionize potion-making! Get the book!

Too late. Harry hears a voice and turns to see Crabbe and Goyle pointing their wands at him. Behind them, he can see Draco Malfoy.

Draco demands his wand back, but Harry retorts, “Winners, keepers.” He asks whose wand Draco is now carrying and Draco tells him that he is using his mother’s wand. So… according to canon, neither Bellatrix, Lucius, nor Narcissa has a wand at this point. How are they existing without magic? Can they even open the doors at Malfoy Manor without one?

Harry asks why the three aren’t with Voldemort and Crabbe finally gets a line after nearly seven books. His voice is surprisingly soft and he doesn’t pronounce his “h”s. Are all the Slytherins inbred? Except for Draco and Blaise (and Snape), they all seem to be oversized village idiots.

Even Harry can’t believe he’s being thwarted by the special students. He tries to get them to monologue in order to gain time, prompting Goyle to boast (with a “gormless” grin), “We was hiding in the corridor outside. We can do Diss-lusion Charms now! And then, you turned up right in front of us and said you was looking for a die-dum! What’s a die-dum?”

I’m impressed that Crabbe and Goyle can do Disillusionment charms. You know, that would have come in really handy for the Trio. How come Hermione never learned those?

Also, this is a small thing, but I’m surprised no one caught it. Harry didn’t mention the diadem outside in the corridor. He only mentioned it way earlier, when he first found Ron and Hermione. Since they’ve been inside the RoR, Harry has only referred to the diadem as a “tiara.”

If Goyle heard it back then, the three Slytherin students must have been following Harry for about half an hour now—and they would have heard all about the cup Horcrux. And since Crabbe says that their intention was to bring Harry back to Voldemort, they should have attacked a long time ago.

Draco and Crabbe start arguing about this very thing, with Draco saying they should figure out what the diadem is, since Potter is keen to get it, and Crabbe saying that it’s Potter Voldemort wants and Draco isn’t the boss of him any longer.

Harry lunges for the diadem, but misses and it flies into the air, getting lost in a pile of junk. Hermione appears, shooting a stunning spell at Crabbe, who calls her a Mudblood and shoots an Avada Kadavra back at her. Malfoy’s (Narcissa’s) wand get knocked away and rolls under something, while Draco screams out not to kill Harry.

Awww. Draco/Harry lives!

Goyle is disarmed. Draco cowers behind a wardrobe, leaving Crabbe to duel Harry, Hermione, and Ron at the same time. He does surprisingly well. Neither Hermione nor Ron can hit him with a spell, even though he’s huge. And, before Harry can find the diadem, Crabbe sets the room on fire.

Crabbe and Ron come running up the aisle. But Goyle was stunned by Hermione and Draco remains behind to drag his unconscious body.

In a cool effect, the fire takes the shape of magical creatures. It seems to become sentient, circling around the Trio. (The Slytherins have already disappeared into the flames.) Fortunately, Harry sees a couple heavy broomsticks and they climb on them to fly above the flames.

Harry looks through the flames, thinking that he never wanted the students to have to die in such a horrible way. Well, honestly, who would? Even though Ron is urging him to leave, Harry continues to look until he finds Draco perched on a desk, with his arms around the still unconscious Goyle.

Harry tries to grab Draco, but Draco won’t let go of Goyle and they are too heavy to lift together, so Ron and Hermione are forced to take Goyle on their broom, while Draco climbs behind Harry and they all race to the door, with Draco screaming like a girly-man. In a sheer bald-faced contrivance, Harry sees the diadem and dives to catch it around his wrist.

Then he makes for the door with Draco “screaming and holding Harry so tightly it hurt.”

Hehe. Draco/Harry lives!

They make it through the door and hit the wall. Malfoy immediately falls off the broom, gasping, coughing, and retching. Because he’s a Slytherin and they are prey to bodily functions. Harry simply rolls over and sits up, making no disgusting sounds.

Draco asks about Crabbe and Ron tells him harshly that Crabbe is dead, even though they don’t really know, do they? It’s just that nobody feels like going back to look for him. It’s too dangerous and I don’t blame them. But they don’t know.

Harry notices that Ginny is missing, and Ron wonders if the RoR would even work after being burned up like that, and Hermione asks Harry about the diadem hanging around his wrist, which reminds Harry that he has it. As he looks at it (reading the Ravenclaw motto engraved on it), it bleeds a black, tarry substance, shudders, and breaks into pieces.

How convenient.

Hermione explains that Crabbe used Fiendfyre, a spell so dangerous she wouldn’t have even attempted it. So, nicely, Crabbe managed to destroy a Horcrux and kill himself while taking all the blame for the destruction because he was using Dark Magic.

As long as it’s not any of our lot.

Hermione reminds them that they only need to kill Nagini and Voldemort will be mortal again. But then they are interrupted as the Death Eaters breach the castle walls and Fred and Percy appear, dueling a group of the masked evildoers.

One of the masks slips and the Death Eater is revealed to be Pius Thickness, the Minister of Magic! So, is he Imperiused or not? Regardless, Percy hexes him with a quip about handing in his resignation.

Fred is amazed and delighted to hear Percy make a joke, even a lame joke. It’s like a dog walking on its hind legs!

But then a huge explosion blows the castle wall apart. Harry is thrown through the air, ending up half-buried in wreckage and “bleeding copiously.” He staggers up to see Hermione pulling herself out of the debris and the three Weasley boys grouped on the ground.

Percy is shaking Fred and Ron is kneeling, and Fred, like Dobby, is staring up with unseeing eyes. They are too small to tell whether or not they are reflecting the indifferent stars….

As long as it’s not any of our… never mind.

Fan Service:
Pansy Parkinson finally does something dastardly to justify her bad reputation.
Zacharias Smith makes an appearance! And he’s more obnoxious than ever!
We finally learn about the Ravenclaw ghost! And she has a tragic backstory! And a romance with the Bloody Baron!
Mandrakes come back!
It’s Sir Cadogan!
OMG! OMG! Squee! Ron and Hermione kissed!
Crabbe and Goyle get to talk!
This chapter is chock fullof Draco/Harry.

Fan Slappage:
What? Madam Pomfrey is going off to the Hog’s Head just before the big battle? WT Fuck!
Wait… we hate Sir Cadogan.
Contrary to most expectations, the Weasley destined to die was not Ron.
Harry never has to deal with Zacharias Smith as a person.
Harry is the worst boyfriend in the world.
The book! Harry! Get the book!
Draco’s redemption consists of not leaving someone to burn to death. It’s not exactly Spike, is it?

DVD Extras:
EXT. NIGHT -- OUTSIDE THE HOG’S HEAD
A group of sixth and seventh-year Slytherins emerges from the Inn.

BLAISE ZABINI
Are you coming, Theo?

THEODORE NOTT
To fight? Forget it. That’s my dad’s thing. Not mine.

Theodore apparates with a snap of his fingers. Blaise hesitates, then strides off towards the Shrieking Shack, followed by the other students.

Draco Malfoy is left standing in the street. A dark figure approaches.

Draco steps back, apprehensively. The figure steps into the lamplight. It is Professor Snape, with billowing cape and everything.

SNAPE
Malfoy! What are you doing here?

DRACO
We were thrown out of the castle. Everyone’s gone to join… him.

There is a long pause as Snape’s eyes bore sternly into Draco’s. Then Snape folds his arms.

SNAPE
(quietly) Muffliato.

He takes a step closer to Draco.

SNAPE (cont’d)
What are you going to do?

DRACO
Either way, I’d end up fighting my friends. (swallowing:) Potter’s the only one who can kill him, right?

SNAPE
So the prophecy goes.

Draco paces back and forth, his hands in his hair.

DRACO
What will happen if I don’t show up? What will happen to Mother and Father?

The questions hang in the air for a moment. Then:

SNAPE
There are any number of reasons that you might have stayed in the castle. One of them might be to try and capture Potter yourself. (shrugging:) He might believe that.

Draco hesitates, close to tears.

SNAPE
No one is going to make this decision for you.

DRACO
(almost a whisper) Will you help them?

SNAPE
If I can. (he takes a breath) But I don’t know if I can help anyone any more.

With a desperate wrench, Draco turns and runs toward Hogwarts castle. Snape watches him, then turns and heads for the Shrieking Shack.

Crabbe runs into the street, followed by Goyle.

GOYLE
He’s heading back to the castle!

CRABBE
He must be trying to grab glory for himself! Let’s go!

They run after Draco.

FADE OUT