HBP Chapter Four

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

*Despite the fact that he’d spent every waking moment of the past few days waiting for DD, Harry is awkward with him. It’s not like this is strange for Harry. He spent the entire last book pining for people he then didn’t care to spend time with.

*Dumbledore gives Harry permission to use his wand if he’s attacked. Yeah, see, the thing is Harry already assumed he had that permission by common sense last year and he got dragged into court—a court who didn’t seem to think you were the boss of it, Big D. The way the laws change in this world you can’t blame Harry for being suspicious.

*DD says Harry need not worry about an attack because he is with Dumbledore. What a coincidence, because later Dumbledore’s going to tell Harry he’s not worried because…ohhhhh, maybe it’s not a coincidence. Parallelism. I’ll make a note.

*Harry and DD need to go to Slughorn’s. Will they take the Floo, a Portkey, a broom, Thestral, the Knight Bus? Which of the elaborate modes of transportation we’ve had described to us will they choose? Oh, fuck it it’s too much trouble and besides this is the book where Harry has to learn Apparition. Just hold on to my arm bibbity bobbity boo we’re there. It’s magic.

*Dumbledore asks Harry if his scar has been hurting. Harry says no, and he’s been wondering about it. Yeah, nice try, Harry. Like you ever wonder about this sort of thing.

*Dumbledore is not surprised Harry’s scar isn’t hurting because hurting scars are SO books 1-5.

*Dumbledore has lost track of how many times he’s announced they need a new DADA teacher over recent years. Um, that would be one time for each year because of the curse thingie. Apparently DD is even worse at Maths than JKR.

*On their way to see Slughorn, Dumbledore sees fit to explain how rude it is to Apparate to someone’s front door. He’s just the King of Courtesy isn’t he? For those taking notes, it’s rude to Apparate to a Wizard’s house, and for a Muggle to not take drinks from a stranger, or to not offer a Wizard the right to refuse you entry. It’s not rude to crash into the middle of a Muggle’s living room through their fireplace unannounced, or secretly hook them up to a public transportation network, or invite yourself in after midnight, or bop them in the head with glasses of mead. What must it be for a poor Muggleborn having to learn all these Wizard rules of manners? It must be like being a peasant in the court of the Sun King.

*Harry wonders why Dumbledore doesn’t think it’s rude to call on his old colleague so late. He does not wonder why he doesn’t think it’s rude to call on the Dursleys late and then torment and lecture them, because the Dursleys are Muggles, and so no better than apes.

*Dumbledore promises the story of how he killed his hand is thrilling and he’ll tell it later. Is he supposed to have told it at some point during the book? Because either he never did tell it, or it was not thrilling.

*Dumbledore pooh-poohs the Ministery’s rules about asking people personal questions about their favorite jam to prove they’re not a Death Eater, because a DE would have researched what kind of jam you liked. I suspect that having been fooled for an entire year by a Death Eater pretending to be his old friend while up to a nefarious plot it’s best for Dumbledore to stress how impossible it would have been to figure this out. Dammit man, he knew my favorite jam! I was helpless!

*Percy Weasley, however, is an evil moron whose ambition blinded him to the obvious.

*Voldemort apparently killed enough people in the last war to make an army. Just go with it.

*By the time they get to the front door, Dumbledore has Harry completely suckered. Now he’s feeling badly about demanding information about his own life a few weeks ago and just lapping up Dumbledore’s letting him ask questions and taking him on Secret Missions. The old man plays this kid like a fiddle.

*Slughorn’s house looks like it’s been ransacked. Then Dumbledore pokes an overstuffed armchair and it’s this enormously fat man who gets up rubbing his belly. So Slughorn is enormously fat, but not quite as fat as 14-year-old Dudley, since I believe killer whales are bigger than armchairs, even overstuffed ones.

*Dumbledore says he figured out the house hadn’t really been ransacked because the Dark Mark wasn’t flying above the house. Damn. I don’t know if I can follow all this wizard espionage. Between the jam test, the S.I.R.I.U.S. Code and the Big Dark Mark that says DEATH EATERS WUZ HERE George Smiley wouldn’t know who to trust!

*Slughorn stops rubbing his belly long enough to clap a pudgy hand to his vast forehead. He’s got fat hands and a fat head, is what I’m saying.

*He says he didn’t hear the alarm because he was taking a bath. Since he himself is telling us about the bath, he neglects to dwell on how the sides of his belly spilled over the sides, or his middle rose up from the water like a fish-bellied island, but I’ll assume that’s what Harry would have seen had he been there. If he hadn’t gone blind.

*The tall thin wizard (that’s Dumbledore) and the short round one (that’s Slughorn, though frankly he doesn’t sound so much short and round as mountainous) wave their wands and everything goes back into place. Isn’t it funny the way wizards can cure just about anything with magic, but they can’t just waive their wands or take a Potion and slim down? I guess only the unhealthy anorexic wizards would do that. And anyway these are male wizards, who are too self-confident to be shallow about looks.

*Seems a bit of a waste to use dragon’s blood on the walls. Corn syrup and food coloring would probably do. Although perhaps Slughorn would find it hard to stop himself from eating that.

*Slughorn agrees to a middle-of-the-night drink with Dumbledore ungraciously. But he accepts the drink so Dumbledore refrains from breaking the bottle over his head or something. Manners must be enforced somehow.

*So Slughorn comes up to Dumbledore’s chin, but when he sits on a sofa his legs don’t reach the floor. Oh dear, maths, indeed!

*Slughorn lists his current ailments and chalks them up to old age rather than carrying around what appears to be about 500 extra pounds on a small frame.

*Harry takes time to look around the house and judge Slughorn for having comfortable furniture, books and candy (I think my own apartment would pass muster—the lack of chairs might just make up for the books and candy). His house looks like it belongs to a fussy old lady. Ooh, better step up, Slughorn. Fat fussy old ladies don’t get much respect in this universe!

*Btw, if you’re worried that your own home décor is cowardly, the proper room should be messy with remnants of underwear, old apple cores, pet droppings and clothes under the bed. Oh, and if you want to sleep in a four poster velvet curtained red and gold mahogany bed at the top of a big castle that’s fine too, as long as you sleep in a Spartan position.

*Okay, I admit defeat. What are gooseberry eyes? Prominent? Apparently Kerry Blue terriers often have them, and yet even after growing up with one as a pet, I have no clue.

*The Death Eaters are going to come courting Slughorn? Yeah, he seems about their level of scariness.

*Apparently it’s also not rude for a Wizard to move into someone’s house while they’re gone. I’m guessing this is only if the someone is a Muggle.

*I’m honestly confused at this information, in terms of whether I’m supposed to hold Slughorn’s comfy house against him or be relieved that the “old lady” vibe belongs to someone else so his manhood is safe. I think it’s the former, since he seems to suggest more than one person lives in the house usually, and the chocolates and the overstuffedness of it all seems to be all about Slughorn. Plus he’s got all his own pictures up. So yeah, this is his own furniture. The Muggles may have had little more than a Yoga mat and Pilates reformer for all we know.

*Thankfully Slughorn doesn’t pass up a chance to remind us that burglar alarms are “absurd” compared to Sneakascopes. Because Sneakascopes have been so much help to everyone in the previous five books.

*I’m sorry, why is Slugorn calling Hogwarts “pestilential?”

*I do not have to ask why Harry is chuckling over Umbridge’s being trampled by centaurs.

*Slughorn isn’t sure what to do when left alone with Harry, so in the uncomfortable silence, let’s just observe his fat arse. Imagine how long it takes to warm that thing in the fire. Man this guy is fat.

*Not that there’s disproportionate attention paid to his size. Sure we’re reminded of Ron’s red hair maybe once every two books and Slughorn’s girth twelve times in one chapter, but that’s because Ron’s red hair isn’t an extension of his inner character, as is Slughorn’s size.

*Oh, Slughorn was Head of Slytherin. That explains that suspicious less-than-manly quality about him. But he’s an okay Slytherin, because he fucking asks Harry not to “hold it against him.” Please let this guy not be Head of Slytherin next year. He’s probably only in that house because he can’t climb the stairs to the Tower and worship the various Gryffindors up close. (And by worship I could mean molest.)

*Go Regulus!!

*Slughorn hastily explains he’s not prejudiced to Harry. Please, Slug. We get it. Your slobbering over Lily and Harry coupled with the “thought she was a Pureblood” is far more disturbing and unhealthy than any of Malfoy’s Mudblood comments. I’m sure when you pick up prostitutes you specifically ask for the new pretty Muggleborn boys.

*And then we get to the real heart of Slughorn—well, you knew he had to be greedy and devouring at heart—his childish collection of ex-students.

*The smile slid from Slughorn’s face as quickly as the blood from his walls. Ouch. Bad metaphor.

*Harry finds it hard to sympathize with Slughorn because hey, Sirius was willing to live off of rats to be close to Harry! Where’s the Fat Man’s respect? Hello? Chosen One talking to you!

*Well, really he finds it hard to sympathize with just about anybody except for a few minutes at a time when they exactly mirror his own tragedies.

*Harry assures Slughorn that the only teachers who die are those who deserve it. He cleverly does not mention how he’s been judging Slughorn since he walked into his house and found him deserving…

*Dumbledore cheerfully tells us he’s been reading Muggle magazines all this time and that he loves knitting patterns. He’s lying of course. Really he was listening at the door for Slughorn to come around. I know that because had Dumbledore really been looking at Muggle magazines, he’d have drawn attention to how inferior but cute they are compared to Wizard magazines. See, I can make deductions too, Dumbledore!

*Of course, this makes the house decorations confusing, since the living room seems to be all about Slughorn yet the bathroom still holds the magazines of the Muggles who live there. Who btw, have had Slughorn using their bathtub. It’s probably good they don’t know that.

*Having been suckered by Harry into wanting to come to Hogwarts, Slughorn has nothing to do but twiddle his FAT thumbs and fidget in true silent movie comic fat-guy form as Dumbledore pretends to give him what he wants and leave. I’m surprised he doesn’t say, “Homina, homina, homina” as he does it.

*Slughorn hurries to the doorway of the room he’s in, which leaves him breathless. Hey, you try moving 500 pounds of girlie manflesh on Billy Barty’s legs and see how out of breath you are!

*They’ll see Slughorn on the first of September. Which will somehow be the same day of the week it was last year.

*Alone with Harry, Dumbledore lays it on thick again, flattering him on how Harry tricked Slughorn and judged his character so well. Well, it sounds better than, “Well done, Harry. You’re always so self-centered and judgmental I knew you’d be so with Slughorn after knowing him for five minutes!”

*Harry explains to Dumbledore that Slughorn was pleasant enough, but seemed to have a soft, rotting corrupted moral center. He was vain and prejudiced in a different way than the Gryffindors are vain and prejudiced. Iow, well, he’s okay but don’t forget he’s a Slytherin.

*Dumbledore explains Slughorn prefers the back seat to power. More room to spread out. Get it? Spread out? Because he’s wider than he is tall! Ha! Dumbledore slays me!

*Harry correctly compares Slughorn to a big spider eating juicy flies. It’s a good thing Harry lives in a cartoon world where people look like their subtext.

*Dumbledore tells Harry this not to turn him against Slughorn, but to give Harry background on his test victim. If Harry’s going to get used to manipulation, an overgrown baby with a hard on for fame who couldn’t manipulate his way out of a wet paper bag is a great place to start.

*Harry arrives at the Burrow longing for Ron and, oddly, praising Mrs. Weasley’s cooking. Perhaps they should have brought Molly to Slughorn. She could have tempted him to Hogwarts with stew.

*The Weasleys keep their broomsticks in an outhouse. By which I guess we mean just an outbuilding on a farm and not a privvy, but with the Weasleys one can’t be sure. It may be part of their rustic charm to go outside.

*Dumbledore just opens the creaking door—didn’t Hermione say something about this outhouse being locked so super sassy Ginny had to break in to steal a broom?

*Before leaving Harry, Dumbledore figures he might as well lay it on thick with the compliments again. He’s holding up so well, Sirius would be proud, you would have had a great relationship, blah blah blah. Dumbledore understands everything.

*But in case you were worried we were going to have to try to watch Harry mourn someone he didn’t really know well, he announces that at some point in the recent past he decided to just go ahead and live life to the fullest. Go Harry! Way to sacrifice for the plot, man!

*And he even adds some of the standard Gryffindor stuff about taking out Death Eaters. Oh Dumbledore, your work here is done. And private lessons? For Harry? Oh my!!! Pat him on the back approvingly again, Sir, please?

*The broom shed is smelly, for some reason. Could I have been wrong about the outhouse thing?

*Dumbledore urges Harry to go inside so as not to deprive Molly of the chance to deplore how thin he is. Again, perhaps they should have brought Molly to see Slughorn. Show her the dangers of too much food.

*Hi girls. I’m Sistermagpie. I hope you’re enjoying the recap of HBP. Jokes are well and good between friends, but I want to talk about something serious. Just between us girls. I’m talking about calling normal people fat. All over the world there are girls with cute bodies—not icky skinny ones that are too bony—but correct sized bodies, and they’re being teased by being called fat. I’ve tried to provide you with some examples here of what fat is really like in the hopes that in my small way I can help end the pain of unfair fat accusation. Thanks.





IITS
So Harry just isn’t angry at Dumbledore any more and has decided to move on after Sirius’ death? Okay, I guess it’s in the script.

Idiot World
But how could he not have been my real daughter? He passed the Jam test! And how am I supposed to know if somebody’s death is connected to Voldemort if he doesn’t put the Dark Mark thingie up?

Informed Attributes
Get used to this one because Slughorn will be informing us of Lily’s never-ending attributes throughout the book.

Misdirected Answering
Dragon’s blood, huh? Fascinating. And no Muggle neighbors have noticed someone living in the house of the family that’s on vacation?

Offscreen Teleportation
Sadly, Slughorn didn’t get this so he must walk from one end of the room to the other on foot.

Spring-Loaded Cat
Nor can his amazing transformation from an armchair count for a spring-loaded cat, because this guy doesn’t spring anywhere.

Final score: 4

Comments

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Okay, in essence: it's only Harry's pov that makes Slughorn fat and Ginny pretty. Only because Harry is the Chosen One he sort of warps the world for other people, making them say things like, "Hey, that girl's pretty!" or scoot out of the way when Slughorn enters a room. Our own world exists in JKR's pov, which is why she's so awesome!