HBP Chapter Twelve

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

*Where is Dumbledore, forlornly wonders Harry—has he forgotten my super private lessons? The rest of the school might never see him from the welcome speech to the leaving feast, but the Chosen One needs a little more here!

*Harry had felt bolstered, comforted, and now he felt slightly abandoned. Remember how Sirius went crazy when left on his own? Gryffindors don’t handle this kind of thing well.

*While Harry waits for Dumbledore’s special treatment to resume he whiles away the time hexing unsuspecting people in the hallway. Crabbe’s toenails grow, which is pretty funny. But the real laughs come when Harry targets the squib janitor. Since Filch is already a second class citizen forced to clean the garbage cans of students better than he is through an accident of birth, Harry gets loads of applause when he glues the unsuspecting man’s tongue to the roof of his mouth.

*Btw, remember when Malfoy the Death Eater bully hexed helpless non-magical people for a laughing audience? No? Me neither.

*So Harry’s also been filling peoples’ ears with buzzing and nobody’s figured out that he’s hexing them and undone the spell?

*Harry’s having trouble with non-verbal spells, which is a shock (not) given they are the featured magic of the book.

*How does Harry seem to know to give his wand an upward flick for Levicorpus, and why are there no explanations for how one should move one’s wand? Not to mention, aren’t all spells verbal and non-verbal? And why am I trying to make magic follow any rules?

*Hermione doesn’t like spells that aren’t Ministry of Magic approved. Tell me again how she’s supposed to be some kind of exciting super genius?

*Harry has only just remembered seeing the Levicorpus spell before, putting him about 800 words behind the 11-year-olds reading the book…

*Harry never told Ron and Hermione about that trip into Snape’s Pensieve, leaving me to again wonder just how much he told them about the fight with Draco in the bathroom. Is he just protecting his Dad’s reputation or Snape’s privacy as well?

*Harry’s telling Ron and Hermione it was Sirius who told him about James using Levicorpus would seem more natural, but we’re done with Sirius and need to keep mentioning Lupin in this book because he’s actually doing something Harry can’t bear to speak Sirius’ name, a sign of deep mourning, so he says it was Lupin.

*Wait, the Muggles at the QWC were asleep when the DEs were dangling them? That was kind of the DEs. WTF?

*Ron explains that the DEs were abusing the spell, where as Harry and his dad were just having a laugh. Having grown up with the twins, one must forgive Ron for thinking there’s a huge difference between these two things.

*Harry says if the Prince had been a budding DE he wouldn’t have been bragging about being a Half-Blood, an argument still very popular by many fans of Woobie!Snape. Could Harry be a Snarry shipper?

*Why does Harry suddenly have a bad moment of worrying about his father being a Pureblood here? What’s that got to do with anything?

*Hermione says most of the DEs are probably Half-Bloods pretending to be Pure, something I suspect she’ll do plenty of when she gets older, frankly.

*Ron proves he knows little about the way these things work when he claims he wouldn’t be allowed in the DEs because his family is made of blood traitors. Of course, if Ron did become a DE the family would probably decide he was only allowed in because the DEs wanted secret spy access to Molly’s spell for French dressing or something. Remember Ron, your family is the only thing exceptional about you!

*Ron also flicks a sausage that hits Ernie—so Hufflepuffs sit right behind Gryffindor. According to Hogwarts a History in the early years the Hufflepuffs actually sat at the Gryffindors feet and fed off their heroic scraps.

*A distraction arrived in the shape of Ginny. So that would be a Mary-Sue-love-interest-badly-characterized distraction then.

*Harry arrives in Hogsmeade to see Zonko’s Joke Shop has been closed. Oh no! Not the joke shop! Well, Harry’s right there will be no fun on this trip. When you’re sixteen you can’t think of anything fun to do that doesn’t involve itching powder. Damn. At least the sweet shop is open. Maybe they’ve got animal rides out front.

*What a surprise that Slughorn is in the Sweet Shop. Taking up an entire quarter of the space! ROTFL! He kills me!

*Btw, I saw Uncle Vernon in a play last night and he was also a huge teacher who liked to fondle young boys yet somehow there wasn’t one fat joke in the play. Madam Maxine was also in the play, and she is not fat at all.

*Harry’s still ignoring Slughorn’s suppers. Hermione, meanwhile, probably thinks they’re the most exciting thing ever, a true entry into the upper class that she’s earned through answering questions in class and has nothing to do with her being Harry’s little Mudblood friend! Can’t blame Harry for not putting much stock in Hermione’s social instincts.

*Harry’s been intentionally scheduling practice during the dinner so that he and Ginny can laugh about the inferior people Hermione’s got to spend time with without them. You think they know other kids are at the same time laughing over their friends having to spend time with Hermione?

*Slughorn waddles out ignoring Ron, which you know Hermione secretly loves. It’s just easier when the universe lets Ron know she’s superior.

*Hermione apparently finds spending time with McClaggen and Zabini fun. Hermione’s interest in social issues is about as shallow as her interest in house elves. The Good Side is really lucky she's a Muggleborn.

*Ron shows no interest in extra large sugar quills, probably because he’s burning with jealousy watching Hermione and Harry get fawned over by Slughorn and not just getting Ron an invitation to the damn party like they could. God knows Ron couldn’t be showing little interest because he’s a 16-year-old boy and so a little too old to get excited about candy.

*Harry finds Mundungus in conference with Dumbledore’s brother and slams him against a wall for selling things from Sirius’ house. Thieving is bad when someone you know gets robbed—why doesn’t Mundungus go back to being the lovable kind of thief who robs other people?

*Sirius, btw, was Harry’s godfather for whom he is in deep mourning by not letting the man cross his mind except for in Very Subtle Scenes That Show That Really Harry Is Thinking Of Him A Lot Even Though Readers Who Are Inside His Head Never Know It.

*Harry’s still fuming over Mundungus stealing Sirius’ stuff. Given that this is Harry, he actually may not have realized he was stealing stuff from the Black House until now.

*Harry’s also forgotten that he owns everything in Sirius’ house now. (Say it with me Ron: Must be nice to be able to forget about a whole inherited fortune.)

*Ooh. I just had a thought that I hope Mundungus is selling all that stuff to Narcissa Malfoy!

*Hermione gets waspish, as usual, at Ron looking at the barmaid. It’s your own fault, Hermione. Why’d you have to decide you wanted the one boy in this whole series who actually notices a nice pair of breasts?

*Harry starts to pout and get jealous of Ginny and Dean being together. Bring on the cupids on lovebirds.

*Katie touches the cursed necklace and rises into the air. The narrator helpfully tells us that she does not rise “comically” like Ron, with one foot in the air. When your narrator has to let the audience know a horrible curse isn’t one of the hero’s lovable jokes, one might want to think about those heroes again.

*The kids run for help for Katie. Unfortunately they run into Hagrid, the one teacher potentially more deadly than the necklace.

*Hermione’s all, “It’s Leanne, isn’t it?” to Katie’s friend, like she’s a teacher, and I find this annoying.

*Hmm. I hadn’t thought of this before but the thing with Katie’s more of an accident than I’d noticed earlier. If she’d actually brought it to the castle it just would have gotten flagged by the sensor and probably no one would have touched it.

*Harry picks up the necklace to show to Madam Pomfrey. Because knowing what happened to Katie will help cure her. Sort of like how knowing what had happened to Montague might have helped cure him. But Katie’s a Gryffindor.

*Naturally this case is too big for Pomfrey and must go to Snape, All Around Badass Dark Arts Guy.

*Leanne tries to tell the story of what happened to Katie but starts crying. Let’s take a moment to silently judge her for it, shall we? Ginny wouldn’t break down so. She’d look all hard and blazing.

*Hee! Harry’s all, “What do you mean Dumbledore’s away? You tell him Harry Potter wants to see him right this moment!”

*So when exactly did Malfoy buy the necklace? I guess he sent Rosemerta to buy it as well as deliver it? Who Imperiused her, since he was at school? Bellatrix? Hmmm—makes me wonder if she might have had some hand in the non-Cabinet murder plots.

*Malfoy’s in detention, which takes away from his Cabinet time. He probably gets good about his homework after this. *pats sleek blond head for learning to multi-task—bet Lucius can’t do that*

*One wonders why Harry doesn’t mention to McGonagall that he heard Malfoy suggesting he had been given a job by the Dark Lord. Sweetens the pot a bit, doesn’t it?

*I think we can rule out the necklace being intended for Slughorn, Harry. Not exactly his type thing. If you want to get Slughorn you’d send a cursed candy box or hexed chocolate fondue or a pretty boy painted in poison or something.

*Funny how Harry doesn’t think of Zabini as Draco’s accomplice, being that he was lolling against a pillar.

*Now I’m having visions of tiny Draco and Blaise having fierce lolling contests where each tries to out-languid the other. Before they call it a drawl.

*Ron turfs a first-year out of an armchair. Future wife beater coming through!! (Sure Hermione kicks him out of the chair and gives it back to the other kid, but when they’re alone he’ll beat her up for that.)

*Since when has Malfoy been one of the world’s great thinkers? asks Harry, who knows from not great thinkers!

*Neither Ron or Hermione answer him. I think they may be making the same jokes about Harry and less-than-great thinking in their heads.





Designated Hero
This is a stellar chapter for Harry. He pouts, sulks, draws illogical conclusions even while guessing the culprit and attacks a disabled janitor when he’s not looking.

Exploitation Filmmakers’ Credo
So me and Harry are the only ones who remember Malfoy talking about doing something for Voldemort? And that Malfoy’s actually got ties to the guy? And that Voldemort really doesn’t have a problem using kids to get what he wants?

IITS
Look Harry, we know we knocked out Crabbe and Goyle and stole their bodies to find out if Malfoy was the Heir of Slytherin on far less circumstantial evidence than you have now, but we’re just not buying this Malfoy plot!

Idiot Picture
Yes Ron, being a Weasley pretty much gives you immunity against Death Eater recruitment. No wonder the Twins don’t pay much attention to who’s using their products.

Idiot World
So we know everybody thinks Malfoy’s got an alibi, but does anyone care that there’s a would-be murderer running around school? It’s not like there’s any investigation that follows. There doesn’t seem to be a Wizard equivalent of Hercule Poirot. If there was he’d probably have figured out how to undo that Muffliato spell.

Informed Attributes
In case you got confused with the hexing of the Squib janitor, these kids are actually not the Pureblood snobs.

Misdirected Answering
In this book at least we never really find out how Rosemerta’s controlled beyond the fact that there are coins involved, but we’d all rather know about where Ginny is and what Slughorn has at his candlelight suppers anyway.

Selling Wood
Watch Hermione’s painful attempts to show comfort to Leanne. She’s much more at home punishing the unjust. Leanne’s probably crying harder because she’s terrified Hermione’s going to give her leprosy if she doesn’t stop crying or something.

Final score: 8

Comments

Excuse me...

[flyingskull.livejournal.com]

... for barging in and so late, I've just recently been linked to this wonderful community. I absolutely ADORE it! Ahem, sorry about shouting but, y'know, I do what my heart tells me to do: yes, I have a talking heart, it's a rare disease, but one that'll assure that I can do no evil thing evah, so I bear it with great dignity.

And why am I trying to make magic follow any rules?

Sistermagpie, I see you're being bogged down by logic here. Forget logic, it's an utterly overestimated activity of the brain. Also, how can you forget that the books are plot driven? That's why the worldbuilding is pathetic, the characters are cardboard cutouts and inconsistent at that, there is no continuity and about a gazillion plot-holes wider and deeper than the Marianne Trench... oh, wait.

And what's with the Necklace of Doom? Everyone and his dog can touch it, but Katie with her gloves with the tiny wee hole gets zapped? It's impossible to take Dark Artefact into Hogwarts except when it's Harry the Chosen One who carries them in? Now I know I read the book once and so I may be utterly wrong about this, my memory of apparently fan-written books ain't what it used to be. Enlighten me? Please?

Thank you for listening.